I just felt giddy...for no reason

Today I was quietly reading my Kindle in my facial room at work.  (Don’t judge…it’s a quiet, peaceful perk to working a commission only job on a slow day)  I wasn’t in a social mood to go hang out in the salon area with the Hair Stylists…it was just one of those days.  I was perfectly content reading my mystery.

Trying…

Trying my best…

Trying my best to not notice my package was sent to Ashley two weeks ago.

No response…nothing.

I know, I know, it’s still too early.  Maybe she’s trying to figure out what to say?  Or maybe she’s making a video too?  Maybe she’s afraid to open the box.  Maybe it’s just too early to come to any conclusion.

Still stuck in limbo.  Sucky Adoption Limbo.  Stuck somewhere in the middle of reuniting and “who cares that you are my First Mother”.  Yep, still stuck in that comfortable, never knowing, unsure Limbo.  Just little ol’ me, curled up in my facial room reading my Kindle and sipping my heavenly Pumpkin Spice Latte.

About 1pm a strange feeling came over me.  I was giddy, I felt this overwhelming joy, like I wanted to skip through a field of daisies.  It was strange because I was just in a quiet mood.  I walked out into the salon and looked at one of my friends.  She started laughing and asked why I looked so confused.  I told her why.  

The friend was excited; she said “Maybe you are getting a response”.  I laughed and told her “I wish”.  Another friend joined in on the conversation.  Friend 2 said, “Maybe she’s making a video.”  I laughed again and told friend 2 “That would be awesome, but I doubt it.  I can sense things with my close family members, I doubt I can sense anything with Ashley…I didn’t raise her, remember?”  Friend 3 piped in “You gave birth to her, biologically you are her Mother.  You two bonded when you were pregnant with her and you two sealed that bond when you held her.” 

I mentioned earlier that it was a slow day at work, right?

Several more people joined in on the conversation we were having at the color bar.  I’m trying not to laugh and roll my eyes.  All I did was mention that I felt giddy and this sense of overwhelming joy.  Next thing I know I have about six Hair Stylists coming up with different ways that Ashley would make contact with me and they were all coming up with how much longer I would have to wait.  I love these girls dearly, but they could never truly grasp what I’m going through…I am grateful to have them as my little cheerleaders though.  

*sigh*

I mean really…the giddy, overwhelming joy could honestly be anything!!  

Guess it was a good thing I didn’t mention to them that I had a dream last night that Ashley was celebrating Christmas at my house with my family on Christmas Eve.

The Ripple Effect

One of the things they said to me was "You will continue on like nothing ever happened" and "This won't affect anyone else".  Both of these statements were drilled into me over and over, to a point where I almost believed it.  The first statement I realized was a lie pretty quick...but the second statement took longer for me to figure out it was a lie.  

It took my husband to point out the painfully obvious.

About five years ago, shortly after I received the information about Ashley from a Search Angel a friend of mine found a picture of Ashley and sent it to me.  I printed out the picture.  I was ecstatic!! I showed the picture to my husband.  He told me I had no right, I need to forget about it and move on, etc, etc, etc.  I was horrified, he was repeating the same words they said.  I was overcome with anger and I said "Until you miraculously grow a uterus and give birth you are not allowed to tell me what to think and feel on this subject!"  End of story.  Since then I would mention little tidbits about Ashley and he would not respond...which was fine with me.

Last August I wrote about coming home and finding out my kept daughter had "friends" in the house (including boys).  I ended up telling her about Ashley, not the way I wanted to approach it, but the cat was out of the bag.  My husband came home in the middle of this, I was expecting him to go on about how I had "no right", blah, blah, blah.  Instead he surprised me...

So he explains...as an outsider...this was his explanation, his viewpoint that left me completely speechless.

"I never popped a baby out" (Wow!  That was crude!  Looks like what I told him five years ago actually stuck with him).  He continued explaining that he could not understand what goes on with a woman when she conceives, carries the child to term and gives birth, especially when this woman is still in High School.  (I listen to him, in shock...curious)

"The point is" as he continues.  Your Mother not being allowed to raise her First Child affects all of us.  (What?  I was always told it wouldn't affect anyone else)  I have watched your Mother swing from one emotion to another when it comes to Ashley, I have watched her close herself off and cry for what I think is no good reason.  This affects me because I can not fix this for her, there is no fixing it and I have come to the realization that this will never go away.  It hurts me to see her get excited over some trivial piece of information then watch all of her hopes get crushed.  They say "adoption is the best choice", but it is not, look at what it has done to her family, our family.

"It affects you", my kept daughter looks at him confused.  You have a sister, half sister, that was never allowed into your life.  You may never have the opportunity to get to know her and vice versa, Ashley has no clue that she has a little half sister who would look up to her and love her because she is her sister.  There is a void in this family, the void will never go away, the void will continue with you, your children, your grandchildren.  Adoption doesn't just affect your Mother, it affects everyone connected to your Mother.

Then he told her something that caught me off guard.  "When you get a little bit older and one of your friends end up pregnant, bring them to your Mother.  The crap about Adoption being a loving, selfless act is bullshit.  Let your Mother explain to them what it really does to the Birthmother."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  I wasn't being insulted because I wouldn't "let it go", I was hearing for the first time how adoption affects those around me.

Adoption causes a ripple effect.  Ashley was taken from me, it left an empty void in me.  After my husband explained what it was like being on the outside and looking in I was able to see how this touched so many things in my life.  It wasn't just my life that was affected...

My Mother never had the opportunity to be in her Granddaughter's life.

My Grandmother never had the chance to meet her first Great Granddaughter before she passed away.

My Step Daddy was never given the chance to teach his Granddaughter how to ride horses or chase the chickens when Grandma wasn't looking and telling her bad jokes when she came of age.

My Sister never had the chance to get to know her niece and spoil her.  Take her shopping and show her how she makes her incredible filled cupcakes.

Other family members never had the chance to pass along the crazy family stories before they passed away.

My kept daughter who is being raised as an only child will never know what it was like to grow up with an older sister.  Her future children will never have their Aunt in their lives and will never have the opportunity to spend time with their first cousins.

When They say "It will only affect you" then they are lying.  Losing a child to adoption destroys a family, it leaves a void, an empty space that can never be filled.  It doesn't affect just the Mother, it affects everyone connected to the Mother and continues on to the next generations...like the ripples in water.

A Much Needed Distraction

About a year ago I received word that a childhood friend of mine I have known since 1st grade committed suicide.  I let some of my friends know from Junior High.  A bunch of us got together and went to the Memorial Service.  After the Memorial Service some of us agreed...we should not be reuniting at a funeral or memorial service or High School Reunions.  It was decided then and there that we would get together every time Katie came to town.

Last July was our first get together, it was a small group.  At some point I opened up about Ashley.  I didn't care what any one thought...we were all adults here and this was no longer Junior High and damn it...I refuse to stay swept under a rug!  Their reaction had surprised me.  They weren't negative at all, they wanted to help bring us together!!

Katie was coming to town again for Christmas.  We planned to meet again, this time inviting more people from Junior High...a girls only kind of thing.  I was getting excited, this was my much needed distraction from the painful reminder that my child who was lost to adoption was not with me...again.

The Junior High we went to was small, the other Junior Highs funneling into the High School we went to were much larger.  What makes our gatherings so interesting is that we knew each other because our school was so small, but we all belonged to different groups.  If you would have asked any of us back in '82-'85 if we would ever hang out in the future we would have laughed saying Hell No!  So here we are, years later, gathering together, laughing, sharing memories...like we have been close all of these years.  It took a death to make us realize we needed each other.  And so with each gathering we get closer and closer, bonding like sisters.

We met up the other night, added four new people to the gathering.  We had it at Rachel's house, I was glad because it was super close to home since we would be drinking.  We were having a wonderful time, it was like we had all been together all these years.  For a few hours I was able to actually be me...no thoughts of adoption crossing my mind.  After several hours 3 of the girls needed to head home, the rest of us stayed.  We sat around the table in the kitchen still talking.  

Jennifer was sitting next to me.  Jennifer was never shy, she would ask whatever questions she needed to ask and she would say whatever she needed to say.  If she didn't get the answers she wanted she would go dig up the information.  She should have been some Private Investigator or something...she had this unbelievable knack for getting information.  I told Jennifer about Ashley after the Memorial Service the year before.  She was horrified that I went through that.  After 9th grade Jennifer went to a different High School and we never kept in touch.  Jennifer had her son a few months after I had Ashley.  She kept her son, she refused to let anyone talk her out of raising him.  Sometimes...I wish Jennifer and I would have stayed in touch...

Anyways, Jennifer turned to me and asked "What's the latest with Ashley?  Last I heard you were driving down the street behind her Adoptive Mother".  So I filled her in on what has happened lately.  Most of the people at the table know about Ashley.  Jennifer turned and looked behind her shoulder to see Kathy and Lisa with surprised looks on their faces.  Jennifer gave them the super condensed version of what has happened.  Lisa responded with "I gathered that when she said 'July 23, 1988'".

Penny got up to start putting some of the food away.  She asked what a Search Angel was and Jennifer and I explained.  Penny started freaking out.  Penny is an adoptee, she found her First Mother when she was 23 and had managed to balance her relationships with her adoptive and first families.  After about 15 years of having her First family in her life they abruptly cut off contact with no explanations.  Penny and I have been there for each other for the past 4 years, she gives me the Adoptee side and I give her the First Mother side, but I have to remind her that she was born during the BSE and my experiences don't come close to what her First Mother went through.

As we were explaining the Search Angel Penny started to panic.  She said there was no way a search angel could get her info because she was born in 1970.  Jennifer told her it is possible, so Jennifer explained the different ways it can be done.  Seeing the panic in Penny I quickly understood how Ashley could have been completely freaked out when she found out I knew who she was.

After Penny calmed down and understood Kathy asked me "Why are you telling us this now?  Why didn't you tell us before?"  I told her that 1) we weren't in contact, 2) I was told not to talk about it, and 3) I was afraid of y'all judging me.  She gave me a funny look and said "but you are talking about it now" and I told her that I had to get off that adoption kool-aid first, once I did and I started seeing things for what they are and realized how I was manipulated, I couldn't keep quiet anymore.  I refused to let the Adoption Machine win...I jumped out of that closet and I have been talking every since.

Slowly, my fears were going away.  I was in a safe place, with safe people, it was safe to talk about Ashley.

Katie was sitting across from me, on the verge of tears.  Katie wants Ashley and I reunited as much as I do and from the looks on the faces at the table it looked like they wanted the same thing.  Katie asked if it were okay to discuss this with her prayer group when she gets back home and I told her it was okay.  Sometimes I wonder if Katie has a direct line to God, every time her prayer group gets together and prays for any of us it seems to work.

So there you go...my much needed distraction from the painful reminder that Ashley was not with me at Christmas and the much needed support and love from my friends/acquaintances from Junior High.

Alien Pod People

My Mother wasn't around much after my parents divorced when I was 7.  She went back to school, she got her associates degree, then went on to get her bachelor's degree and finally her master's degree.  Education was very important to her, she married when she was 18 then had me five years later.  So her dreams of a college education was put on hold for 12 years.  I'm not sure how she did it, but she managed to go to college full-time and work full-time, I guess my sister and I were the sacrifice.  If my sister or I ever did anything to get into trouble the question my Mother always asked was "Are you doing this to keep me from going to school?"  Of course this would make us feel horribly guilty.  So from a very early age I learned that my Mother's school and career came first.

Growing up I feared my mother more than anything.  She wasn't physically abusive, she was mean...maybe she was just grouchy from work and school and being a single parent for a little while, who knows.  My pregnancy certainly did not soften her up any, instead she became cruel, she titled her master thesis "Legs in the air syndrome", this paper was turned in a year after I delivered Ashley.  Needless to say, I was not close to my mother.  She was an angry woman and I couldn't wait to get away from her.

When I was 25 years old I moved from Dallas to San Antonio with my boyfriend (who later became my ex-husband).  I was looking at this as a way to escape from everyone and everything.  I can remember leaving behind an empty box in a storage space with a piece of paper, on the paper was a list of things (and people) I wanted to leave behind, my mother was on that list.

We moved back to Dallas after 13 months.  While living down there something inside me was pulling me back to Dallas.  I could never explain it without sounding like some kind of nut.  I figured it was because Dallas was my home, I was a second generation Dallas Native and my entire family was there.  In 2006 when I received the information on Ashley from an amazing search angel I realized that I had to go back because of Ashley.  I had always lived close by to where she was growing up and I never knew it!!

While I was in San Antonio my Mother remarried this man she had been dating for a couple of years.  After I moved back I noticed something had changed, I don't know if it was me, or if it was my mother.  Slowly I started talking to my mother again.  This wasn't the same person that raised me.  My mother was happy, she joked around, she would tell me she loved me and she would hug and kiss me.  Holy Crap!  Did alien pod people take over my mother's body while I was in San Antonio??

For ten years our relationship started improving and I think my super awesome step-daddy had something to do with this.  I never wanted to question it, I just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.  

When I started receiving information about Ashley I did keep it from my mother, I did not want to hear the same hateful crap she use to say when I was pregnant.  Finally, a few months passed when I decided I was going to tell her.  I told her all of the information I had received, where she grew up, where she was going to college, etc.  I braced myself, ready to fight back when something happened that threw me for a complete loop.  My Mother started to cry and started apologizing for the way she treated me and she wished she had never made me give up Ashley.  I was dumbfounded.  I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  

Who the hell was this woman?  This was not the same woman that raised me!  I swear alien pod people really did take over my mother!!

I couldn't take it anymore, I had to ask.  I asked her when did she have a change of heart.  She told me she noticed she was treating my sister and I the exact same way her mother treated her and her sister.  (This will be another post later) She didn't like what she was becoming so she tried to change.  I was shocked!!

So today, everytime I find some tidbit of information, or a picture, or if I get some hairbrain idea I call her.  She gets excited over the little things I come across, gets sad when the holidays come around, and she helps calm me back down when I start to get extremely anxious.  A few weeks ago my mother said something that had me stunned.  All these years I thought I was the only one dealing with losing a child to adoption...my mother told my daughter that not only did I miss out on raising Ashley, but she also missed out on being a part of her first grandchild's life.

Yep, I believe Alien Pod People took over my mother's body...and I am totally cool with that, because my Mom is pretty awesome.

The Cat Is Out Of The Bag

Last Thursday I received a text from my kept Daughter's (we will call her C) best friends Mom (we'll call her F).  What I read really made me angry.  I was at work and I wouldn't be getting off until 8pm, so I was stuck.  The message I received was a snapshot of a text C sent to her best friend H, about a boy coming over to the house earlier that morning.  All kinds of things went running through my head.  I heard C and H's other best friend was also at the house, this concerned me because this friend, L, was not allowed to be at our house if we weren't home because her Mom (who we will call B) didn't completely trust her to be alone.  I called B, she knew we weren't home and L was at our house for about 15 minutes before the girls came over to her house.  I told B about the text, she found it upsetting also and she said she would get back to me.  She later called to tell me last Tuesday my 12 year old daughter thought it would be a good idea to have 5 of her friends over and 3 boys.

I did call C about this, she kept changing her story.  I called my husband and he told me I was over reacting.  Over reacting?  Seriously?  

I left work and rushed home.  My daughter was sitting in her room.  I pulled out my photo album from high school and called her into the kitchen.  I was furious!  I explained to her what could have happened, she kept saying these boys were only friends.  So I flipped open the photo album, pointed out the boy I dated for about 4 years.  I told her about the "gatherings" in his parents house when they were out of town.  I told her about the drinking and about how some of them would smoke pot, or drop acid, or take ecstasy (which was legal back then).  I told her about how we would sneak off and have sex.  Then I asked her "Do you know what came of this?" She shook her head no.  I went back to my bedroom and grabbed the picture of Ashley on my nightstand.  I showed it to her and told her this is what came out of it.

C was looking at the picture and I told her "This is your half sister, I had her when I was 18."  I gave her the cliff's notes version.  I told her this was the reason I didn't have her until I was 29, this was the reason she was an only child, this was the reason I can not hold babies.  She stood there in shock.  I told her about how I was paranoid that someone was lurking in the corners waiting to take C from me when she was an infant, this was the reason I was very protective of her, this was the reason I spoiled her.

My husband came home right in the middle of this.  C asked if this was the reason I acted weird in July and around the holidays, I told her yes.  She asked who knew, so I told her.  Then she started asking questions about Ashley, I told her what I could and I told her that I sent a message to Ashley the day before.  I asked her if she wanted to see a recent picture of her, she nodded yes.  We went to my computer and I pulled up a picture.  C stared at the picture for a few moments then said "Damn! She looks more like you than I do!" (Yes, C is allowed to use minor curse words as long as she can spell them properly, know the definition and use it in a sentence correctly and she can only use them at home)

We went back into the kitchen.  She asked my husband how long he knew.  He told her from the beginning, he thought I did that to push people away (I did).  What he did next floored me.  (When I first started getting info on Ashley my husband told me I had no right, I was no mother.  This infuriated me and I had told him when he miraculously grows a uterus and gives birth then maybe I will listen to his opinions, but until then shut up!)  

He told our daughter that he never had a uterus and he never spit out a child (His words, not mine) but he knew this not only hurts me, but this also affects all of us.  I was shocked!  Not only did the things I said to him 5 years ago stuck with him, but he finally understood that losing Ashley to adoption affected ALL of us and not just me!!

My husband explained to her that it's okay to talk about it, but she needed to be very selective about who she tells.  He told her that unfortunately we live in a society full of ignorant people and there is still a stigma attached to Birth Mothers and I could be under "attack" again like I was when I was 18.  We did tell her that she could talk to her best friends because I had already opened up to their mothers.

I don't know why I told her about Ashley, this certainly wasn't the way I wanted to tell her.  C took it better than I expected.  She hugged me and told me she loved me.

The following morning as I was taking C to the doctor for her check up and sports physical she asked if I checked my messages.  I told her I didn't and I didn't expect a response anytime soon.  My brilliant child smiled at me and said, "Ashley didn't want contact before because I didn't know about her.  Now that I know about her she will respond."  That would be amazing if it really did work out that way!!

Later that Friday afternoon I received a text from F.  She knew how everything played out the night before.  F said, "I went home for lunch.  C came up to me grinning from ear to ear, she asked if she knew about her good news.  I asked what good news and she said I have an older half-sister"

Everything will be okay, the cat is officially out of the bag.  No more secrets.  I actually made direct contact with Ashley and hopefully she will respond, so I can let her little half-sister know.  If the response is negative then I know I will still be okay...no more secrets.