Ignored

It has been about a year since I "jumped the roadblock".

August of last year I sent Ashley a message on facebook.  As terrified of her rejection as I am I went ahead, bit the bullet and reached out.

The thought of making direct contact like that scared the daylights out of me.  For so many years I wished, dreamed, and hoped for a reunion.  I have spent her entire life trying to convince myself she is in a better place.  Even though I never wanted to lose her to adoption I tried my best to look ahead in a positive light.  In my heart I was (am) willing to embrace those she loves.  

Deep down inside, even though I was (am) hopeful of a positive outcome I was beside myself with fear...fear of Ashley's rejection.

My heart was screaming "send the message", but my head was screaming "No!  She'll reject you".  I was conflicted.  A friend of mine, who I found in that super secret First Mother closet, encouraged me to send that message.  After I sent it I felt nauseous.  It was too late, the message is out there.  My heart was exposed to Ashley to do as she wished.

For those who are not First Mothers probably don't understand the depth of fear I felt.  The emotions I felt when I was pregnant with her, delivering her, the emotions from holding her in the hospital and losing her to adoption hit me like a tsunami.  As the days moved on after sending the message I started to realize that I was being ignored.

Ignored.

Not necessarily a rejection, and not really an acceptance.

Ignored.

Frustrated at the lack of communication I tried my best to push it aside and continue on with life.  To be totally honest, it makes me sad knowing what Ashley had missed out on in the last year here in her First Family world.

Her half sister started Middle School and had survived 7th grade.  She missed her track meets, missed a first boyfriend, missed out on the heart to heart talks a little sister would have about figuring out how do deal with being a 7th grader.  She missed out on a little half sister officially turning into a teenager.

Ashley missed out on her super awesome kick ass step-grandfather.  We lost him last September, so she will never experience the constant laughter he brought into our lives.

Of course, she missed out on the holidays and family gatherings.

I had changed jobs since I sent her that message, I am now working closer to home...trying to patiently rebuild my clientele.  She also missed out on the crazy, random client I had...a former classmate of hers.

I never received a response from Ashley.  Maybe she deleted it?  Maybe she is still waiting to figure what to say in a response?  Maybe she has a overbearing Adoptive Mother (God I hope not!) who is making her feel guilty about even considering responding?

Who knows what happened to my message.

What I do know is that I laid my heart out there, left myself vulnerable to her, and I have never received a response.

Instead, I am ignored.

The woman who conceived her, carried her in her womb, protected her, love her unconditionally.  The woman whose heart has been ripped to shreds because she lost her to adoption is ignored.

Ignored.

Like I am some random telemarketer.

Ignored.

You have got to be kidding me!

I have been searching for Ashley's mailing address.  I even had a private investigator acquaintance help out.  Of course no luck.  My original plan was a ship a small package to her with a couple of pictures, a letter and a small gift, I was going to send this FedEx or UPS so I could get a confirmation.

I jumped the roadblock and sent her a message instead on facebook.   Part of my decision to do this was so it wouldn't completely freak her out, another part was so only she received the message and it did not get intercepted.  Of course I still haven't received any type of acknowledgement back from the facebook message.

As I was getting my younger daughter ready for her first school dance tonight (another milestone to remind me of what was taken from me) I thought I would google Ashley's name.

OMG!

You have got to be kidding me!

WTH?

Right there, in front of me, plain as day...her resume!  Complete with contact info!!

I couldn't believe it!  Why didn't I find this a month ago?  Before she packed up and left for California?

My friend (my daughter's best friend's mom) came to pick up my daughter and of course take pictures.  I told her what I just found.  Her eyes got really big and she asked if I printed it off.  I told her I did.  She asked how her resume looked, I told her I was impressed and she listed that she had a 3.5 GPA in college.  She reminded me it was too late, I told her I knew.  Then she reminded me...Christmas is coming up.

Christmas IS coming up.  Maybe in a couple of months I can do another search and maybe find an updated resume.  Maybe, just maybe, I can send her a Christmas gift.  She knows I'm not Jewish and she knows that I know she went to a Jewish family...so I could send a Christmas present...right?

And now the mother in me takes over...OMG!  Her contact info is out there for the world to see!!  Haven't her parents taught her anything about internet safety???  Great...another thing to worry about that I have no control over.  Sigh...