Thursday, August 18, 2011

Jumping The Roadblock

Well, I did it!  After five years of running and tripping over obstacles in my way  I finally jumped over that hurdle roadblock.  I don't know how I did yet, but I took a deep breath and I jumped!  I took a flying leap over that hurdle roadblock!!!

I honestly don't know what came over me.  At first I was going to send a small package, but a friend said that would really freak her out and make her think I was stalking, even though I was not.  The last thing I wanted to do was to scare her and make her think I was stalking her.  Why does adoption have to be so horrible?  Oh that's right, because adoption sucks!

I decided to send a message via "a social networking site" to my First Daughter.  I was very hesitant about making contact this way, I always wanted to send her a handwritten letter with a small gift.  Since I was having a difficult time getting a mailing address for her I decided it needed to be done this way.  I guess one way I can look at this is that she doesn't have to worry about hiding a letter or explaining where this gift came from.  A message could be easily hidden from prying eyes...she can keep it a secret if she feels like she needs to.

Maybe I finally had enough of just quietly sitting and patiently waiting.  If Ashley is like me then she's sitting there doing the same thing, quietly, patiently waiting...not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.  I don't know for sure if the adoptive parents are controlling her and if they are then that is just sad.  I'm an adult, not a child...Ashley is an adult and also not a child. I will not allow possible insecurities dictate what I can and can not do.  The a-parents can not control me, but I can try to make contact while being considerate of their feelings, which is more than what they have given me.  I do hope that one day I will be able to embrace the a-parents and reassure them that I am not trying to step in and be Mom or be a second Mom.  I just want the opportunity to get to know my First Daughter and hopefully have her in my life someday.

So I bit the bullet. I composed a simple message.  I took a deep breath and I hit send.  I'm not expecting a response anytime soon.  If she is like me then she will probably freak out when she sees it, closes the message and walks away then comes back to look at it several (hundred) times.  She might try to respond only to delete what she had written and then try to re-write it several (hundred) times.  She might get flustered and have to call her friends to help her process so she can find her words.  I know that is what I would do...if it will be a positive response.

So whatever comes of this I hope it is positive.  I hope that Ashley and I can build a solid foundation for a relationship and I hope that one day in the future I can also get to know the a-parents and build some kind of relationship with them too.  I guess at this point it is what it is and I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And for some reason I'm not a basketcase over this, I actually feel a little lighter.

Hopefully, I successfully cleared that hurdle roadblock and I didn't trip up and fall to the ground...




10 comments:

Queen Mama said...

Reading this scares me! I am placing my daughter, and I am curious! How long ago was your adoption? Was it open? Care to share? You can email me at mrsofficer 25 AT yahoo DOT com

Thanks

Susie said...

I hope you hear back from her! My fingers are crossed!!

birthmothertalks said...

Wow!! I hope for a new beginning for you and Ashley. Can't wait to come back and see what happened.

In Blind Faith said...

Queen Mama - I lost my First Daughter to Adoption 23 years ago, in 1988. It was a closed adoption. I don't mind sharing which is why I have this blog. Adoption has left me with a very painful wound which can never be healed. I finally broke down and told my 12 year old kept Daughter last night that she has an older half sister. Adoption touches everyone, my kept daughter understood this last night and she now understands why I do some of the things I do. Read my blog, read some of the blogs by other First Mothers I have listed over there on the side. A Birth / First Mothers voice is kept quiet in the Adoption World because no one wants to hear how painful it really is for a Mother to lose her child.

In Blind Faith said...

Susie & Birthmothertalks - I really do hope I hear back from her (in a positive way). All she has to do is send me just one question and the ball can start rolling!!! She still hasn't responded and she hasn't blocked me. I have to keep telling myself no news is good news!! My friends and family know I sent the message and they are anxiously waiting to hear something!!

Hoping, praying and wishing for a positive response!!!

birthmothertalks said...

When I wrote my daughter through FB it took a couple days and then I heard from her boyfriend cause she was too nervous to talk to me. Then, a week later she started talking to me. We don't have the ideal relationship but I will take what I can get.

Jeannette said...

I hope she contacts you soon. I have my fingers and toes crossed for you.

In Blind Faith said...

Thank you Jeanette!! It's so hard to keep from obsessively checking my messages!!

Anonymous said...

I hope you hear something soon. My surrendered son will be 23 in 2 weeks and I am waiting to meet him - I've written and sent gifts to him and his parents 2x/year every year of his life (with agency as intermediary), often receiving no response for 4 years at a time. 18 months ago, he wrote to me for the first time, wanting to meet but then silence from him until 3 months ago with a second letter and now silence again after a brief email and thank you note exchange.....A lot of what you write resonates with me. I too need to tell my parented children, who are young, and haven't yet found the guts! I guess I just want to wish you luck! Sara

In Blind Faith said...

Thank you Sara. I did tell my daughter I am raising last night. I'll write about it next.