Wednesday, August 10, 2011

To Contact, or Not To Contact...That Is The Question

For years I have written tear stained letters and sent cards to my First Daughter...through the Agency.  About five years ago the Agency told me they passed everything on to the Adoptive Parents.  I want to hold on to my positive thoughts about the Adoptive Parents and hope they are holding them, but a little voice in me is telling me they have been destroyed.

A third person made contact with my First Daughter when she turned 18, it freaked her out.  Big mistake on my part...lesson learned.

My First Daughter's boyfriend (I'm assuming he was a boyfriend) friended me on MySpace when I had that profile.  He used a fake name...I guess they underestimated my abilities to gather information.  At least they were looking which warmed my heart.

I stumbled across a blog written by my First Daughter which has been removed.  In this blog she talks about being adopted, how upset she was about this random person making contact with her about me, but she was thankful about being told about the MySpace profile I created.  She talks about how her friends encourage her to make contact, but she tells them they don't understand what she is feeling.  She mentions reading my posts on MySpace and how she really likes me from these little stories.  She mentioned how she doesn't want to hurt anyone, her Parents or me, but she doesn't know what to do.  She said she doesn't want me to wait around forever so she and her boyfriend decided to put together a little package for me with a few pictures.  I never received a package...

Fate brought a close childhood friend of my First Daughter to my wax table at work a little over a year ago.  After our conversations it appears my First Daughter has friends who would be in total support of her meeting her Birthmother.  Even this friend asked if she could take my First Daughter's place because she thought I was fun.

My girlfriends and I decided to make a video.  This video would show my personality and it would include my girlfriends show how much love there is.  I've spent the last six months trying to track down a mailing address for my First Daughter, but everything comes back with the Adoptive Parents address.  Right now, sending something to the Adoptive Parents address is not an option.  Plus several of my girlfriends want me to wait until this murder trial I'm a witness for is over, they said they can see it weighing on me.

So here I am...waiting.  I know I can't mail anything to her, I can't send something through the Agency, my only option is to make contact through Facebook.  I don't like the thought of reaching out through social media because it seems so impersonal to me, but this looks like my only option.

Fear does keep me at bay.  I've never been the type of person to let fear stop me, I usually take a deep breath and push forward.  This for some reason scares me.  The fear I have is rejection...

I just don't know what to do...make contact or not?

1 comment:

birthmothertalks said...

That is a really hard question. I think with outsiders like myself you have to keep the advice in mind like a grain of salt. Yes, maybe or maybe not we have lived this life of adoptionland but it's your relationship that could grow or not grow.
If you do make contact and have a reunion remember that may not heal your wounds. It hasn't mine. In some ways, it's given me some peace but it leaves me wanting more. I don't want to sound ungrateful but my relationship with my daughter just isn't a whole lot right now. I have yet to see her one on one. She always comes with her boyfriend and I always feel like I have to push to get together. It's such a hard road to take cause she is my daughter and I have hung out with her a total of four times yet I still don't feel like I really know her or do I feel like should could care if she never seen me again.
If I could do it over again I would do it again but wish I could have taken the relationship out of the social network because honestly that's how we mostly communicate and even that is far in between now.