I will write later, but I wanted to let y'all know the video is done and the package I created is being shipped to my First Daughter Ashley. I do have a tracking number and the package should arrive Friday morning at her office. I am hoping she gets it before she leaves work. Like I said before, I will write later about the package and video I ended up pulling together for Ashley. I hope and pray that I have somehow touched her and she will make positive contact. I am trying my best to remain positive and hopeful!!!
This week has been an interesting one for sure. I'm not sure what has finally made me reach the breaking point where I no longer was willing to receive second hand information...and why did it take me so long? I don't expect a response anytime soon and I honestly don't know what to expect right now. All I know is that after all of these years of quietly, patiently waiting I actually reached out to Ashley, in blind faith...
A Different Corner
George Michael
I'd say love was a magical flame
I'd say love would keep us from pain
Had I been there, had I been there
I would promise you all of my life
But to lose you would cut like a knife
So I don't dare, no I don't dare
No I've never come close in all of these years
You are the only one to stop my tears
And I'm so scared, I'm so scared
Take me back in time maybe I can forget
Turn a different corner and we never would have met
Would you care
I don't understand it, for you it's a breeze
Little by little you've brought me to my knees
Don't you care
No I've never come close in all of these years
You are the only one to stop my tears
I'm so scared of this love
And if all that there is, is this fear of being used
Last week was a very emotional week. I wasn't eating or sleeping much, my First Daughter's upcoming birthday wasn't the whole reason. Back in November 2009 there was a murder where my Daughter I am raising was having a tennis class. This murder was upsetting to everyone in our community because this has never happened before. It is more upsetting to me because I was one of the people who went to help this young man. One Mom on the phone with 911, one Mom watching for the Ambulance who saw more than I did, I was doing first aid and checking for signs of life, the Tennis Coach did CPR and another Mom who ran up later to help watch for the Ambulance.
This park held many years of happy memories for me and this park is right behind the Middle School where my daughter will be starting school this fall. For me it was too close to home!
Two days after the murder I found out who the victim was and I found out how old he was...he was four months and two days older than my First Daughter. Every since then it became more personal to me...what if that was my First Daughter? I don't know why I kept thinking that, maybe because a Mother lost her son that night. Or maybe it was the realization that something could happen to my First Daughter and I would never be told.
The trial started last Monday. Even though I did not see the murder take place I was brought in as a witness, I guess to "paint a picture" and make the victim a human being. Needless to say, I was a wreck! Not much sleep and jumpy! Strange things were happening last week. A friend of mine was called in for jury duty for this trial and he was dismissed before he had the chance to tell them he knew a witness. I found out my sister use to work for the Defense Attorney 11 years ago. I very emotional on the stand, but I was able to get the Defense Attorney to back off by telling him I was there to save a life, not focus on evidence.
I did get to meet the victim's family after I testified, my heart went out to the Mother. On Thursday I went back to hear closing arguments. One of the victim's family members looked familiar to me, turns out we use to work together 6 years ago. Small world! On Friday less than 24 hours after the judge charged the Jury the Judge announced a mistrial because the jury was hung. My heart sank. This isn't over.
Saturday was my First Daughter's birthday. I was looking forward to going into work to be distracted so I could make it through the day. I was quickly confined to our break room for a couple of hours and I didn't have any clients on my books. Later I find out there was a client there talking about the trial and how one of the guys who participated in the fight that led to the murder was her next door neighbor. She kept talking about how violent this kid was and how she had been calling the police on him for the last 8 years. On Sunday, for some strange reason, I looked up where the Defendant lived. He lives 5 minutes walking distance from me! Great, hopefully the Defendant will be too busy celebrating the mistrial and not check to see if there is a witness living close by.
I guess now I am "decompressing"...waiting to hear about a retrial and waiting for some sign from my First Daughter.
My husband tells people I have ADD/OCD, I can't decide on which distraction to obsess over. People seem to find the humor in this, but they don't realize how true this statement is about me. What they don't know is that I need to focus in on a distraction (I prefer positive distractions) so I don't go crazy trying to figure out why my First Daughter still wants nothing to do with me.
So far this summer has been filled with all kinds of distractions I would honestly wish to go away, especially right now. Every July I seem to be on edge, sometimes I just start crying for what people think is for no reason. What some don't know is that my First Daughter's birthday is on July 23rd, this year she will be 23 years old. 23 years of trying to cope with losing a child to adoption.
The Murder Trial I was suppose to be a witness for has been postponed to July 18th. Great...just what I needed added to my plate the week of my First Daughter's birthday. This is starting to get a little annoying for me. Not only am I remembering the vivid details surrounding the birth of "Ashley" and our time spent together in the hospital, but I am also remembering vivid details of this murder. You would think this trial would be enough to distract me...but no...I am a master at juggling things! *Sigh*
My youngest daughter is currently spending two weeks in Florida with the Grandparents. My In-laws believe children should be seen and not heard. I think this visit has been quite an eye opener for them (and my little one). They have now realized that we are raising this 12 year old to speak up and not let people walk all over her. She'll be home in two days...I think we will all be glad when she's back home.
While my youngest is in Florida my husband and I finally had enough of my daughter's synchronized ice skating coach. We pulled our daughter off the team. Now I'm dealing with 8 other Mom's bitching at me because we questioned the coach's abilities. Seriously? Everyone of them bitched and complained behind the coach's back, but when someone says something they freak out and turn on the person who wasn't a chicken shit and actually said enough was enough. Right now I'm very confused, why would parents teach their children to talk behind people's backs and then be a chicken shit towards the person who stands up? Younger Daughter doesn't know about this yet, we are waiting to tell her when she gets home. She'll be upset that we are not going to San Diego for the State Games of America, but she will be relieved. Her private coach has already told her that she wanted her on the Intermediate Synchronized Skate Team.
So I have all of this going on...the same time I am trying to cope with the fact that my First Daughter will be turning 23 in 20 days and so far she doesn't give a crap about me, her First Mother.
Today I just want to let go. I just want to forget about building my client base for work, forget about my Second Daughter's 6th grade farewell, forget about the upcoming ice skating competition, forget about all this childish drama the synchro coach is dishing out, forget about this upcoming trial, forget about this adoption hell.
Today...I just want to let it all go...just for a little bit...just so I can be me.
But knowing me...this will not be possible. I'll keep trying to build my client base, I'll attend my Second Daughter's 6th grade farewell and I will cry because she is growing up. I'll make sure everything is ready for the ice skating competition, I will remind the synchro coach to stop bullying my daughter or she will find my shoe upside her head. I will quietly relive the memory of a brutal murder to help the victim's family have closure and put the murderer away. I will continue with the mixed bag of emotions I carry caused by losing my First Daughter to adoption.
Today...I will continue...existing...trying to keep my head above water...
