Things To Do: Scrapbooks!

The response was sent a couple of days ago...via email.  Now it's time to wait, again.

I'm not a patient person so I have to stay busy to keep myself from climbing the walls so I have created a list of things to do while impatiently waiting...


Things to do: Scrapbooks!  

I'm not talking just one, I'm talking 7 scrapbooks, each one just alike.  I started this little (more like overwhelmingly HUGE) project at the end of August.  These scrapbooks are actually Christmas presents (one of them is mine).  Back in 2009 my Mom, Aunt, Sister and I drove straight through to California to get my Uncle who my Mom and Aunt haven't seen since 1963.  His health was failing and we weren't going to let him be alone so we went out there to pack him up and bring him to Texas.

This road trip was certainly an adventure!  My Aunt handed me a journal and told me I had to write everything down.  Well, I didn't want to do it so I ended up writing about the off the wall stuff...like how my sister and I were wearing matching PJ's while on the road and how we ended up in a field of prairie dogs, giant arrows that I threw myself in front of so it looked like my sister was stabbing me, giant fiberglass dinosaurs that my sister and I were underneath pretending like we were about to be eaten.  I even wrote about the Kamikaze Butterflies that were attacking the truck when we were on the highway.  I wrote about the crazy stuff and I had pictures that went with most of the entries.

We still laugh about some of the crazy things my sister and I did on this trip.  My half Uncle who had been packed up and thrown into a truck with 4 women for 3 days was certainly a good sport.  He passed away 7 months later and during those 7 months he talked about how the trip leaving his home of 35 years and coming to be with his sisters was the best trip ever.

So I thought it was a brilliant distraction for me to put everything together in a scrapbook, for each of us to have.  Why should I be the only one to have the journal and the pictures??

I drew the little picture for the front of the scrapbooks.  It is a little skull with sparkly eyes and a tiara.  The skull sits above a pair of panties and each pair of panties has a different saying (mines says "I miss the internet").  The words in the circle say "Pirate Princesses", that's what my sister and I kept calling ourselves.

When I started the scrapbooks I thought it was a good idea to put in a warning since there are some "colorful" words and references in the journal.  At least this way I can say they were warned!!

Yes, I did mention prairie dogs, small yap yap dogs, naked sheep and fiberglass dinosaurs in the warning.  I thought it was best to cover all of my bases.

Each journal entry was re-written...seven times!!  When I originally wrote the journal I used different colored ink for each entry, why use the same boring color for the adventures that were waiting for us??

Because I am a little OCD I had sharpies to match what I used in the journal.  I also "created" notebook paper out of card stock.  Hey, I want the scrapbook to last and I was trying to stay distracted!!

(that is the picture of me laying spread eagle in front of the arrow and my sister behind the staff pretending to stab me.)

I tried to match up all of the pictures with the journal entries.

The scrapbooks are just about done.  Thanks to this project I have been able to keep myself from obsessing over my email.

Thankfully my Aunt and a Cousin are coming in for Christmas so I don't have to ship these scrapbooks off...that would cost a fortune!!!  

So there you go...something to keep me from climbing the walls while waiting for Ashley to respond to my email.  And it is something that my family would love :-D

Adoption Kool Aid Strikes Again!

"Good news is that the agency will be there for me if and when I am ready."
 
This sentence, this single sentence is absolutely killing me.  Every time I read it I start crying.  Good news?  How is that good news?  Really?

She has absolutely no idea what happened, not a single clue.  She believes adoption is a beautiful thing.

Damn that effing adoption kool aid!!!

If and when she is ready what is she going to find out?  You can't know a person from a piece of paper and God only knows what kind crap is in that file.  They already told me they can't find the letters, the cards, the little gifts I left for her...they acted like it was no big deal.  These "wonderful" people at the agency threw me away like some piece of crap stuck to the bottom of their shoe.

Good news?

How could it possibly be good news for me?  I'm the one who sat there each week and listen to "The Brainwasher" carry on about what a shame it was that I was pregnant because she could see me dating her son (gross!).

No there was no care or concern coming from her.

Just her telling me if I kept my baby my boyfriend would leave me and the baby and I would be living in a cardboard box under I-20.  Or I would be raising my child in one abusive relationship after another because no decent man would want a tainted woman.  This woman, this one woman managed to destroy every ounce of confidence I had in myself!!


Every time I said "My baby" the woman yelled at me telling me this was not my baby, I had no right to this baby.  (the baby wasn't even born yet)  Once I mentioned I wanted to keep my baby and the woman nearly choked on the handfuls of dry cereal she kept shoving in her mouth...she told me if I kept my baby they could take me to court and get my baby from me because I was an unfit, "loose" woman and I didn't stand a chance in court against them.

Sometimes she would tell me stories of this couple who she thought would be perfect.  They were rich, had a nice, big, beautiful house and so desperately wanted a baby.  They were from Dallas and lived in a very upscale neighborhood.  They had been married for seven years and had tried to get pregnant since they got married and unfortunately the wife was just not capable of conceiving and they have been waiting on "the list" for the last seven years.  There would be no way I would ever cross paths with them.

And the lies go on and on and on and on....

It took 18 years for me to find out about them.  They are not from Dallas.  They were not married for seven years.  The neighborhood was about 10 miles from my neighborhood...not in the area the Brainwasher described.  They were not on "the list" for seven years.  The wife did give birth to her own biological child a few years after they adopted Ashley. And has for crossing paths...well, I think our paths started crossing as early as 1989.

Ashley has no clue.  She has absolutely no idea that the "Good news" has been my freaking nightmare all these years.

She doesn't know any different, she was taught that this was a "beautiful thing".  She doesn't know about the pain in my heart caused by adoption and she doesn't know that my broken heart also ripples out and touches the people who are connected to me.

I can't come out and throw all that on the table, that would surely scare the daylights out of her and right now it would not be necessary to fill her in on that subject.  And if she is as stubborn as I am then she wouldn't listen anyway, she would have to find out for herself.

Am I getting upset over nothing??  The way she wrote the email I can tell she trying to be stand offish and guarded, that's fine...I understand that.  But the "Good news" part...that is absolutely killing me right now.

And I thought waiting in Limbo for the last 6 years was tough...

I Got An Email!!!

I am so FREAKING excited....and nervous, scared, thrilled...just about every emotion is running through me!!

Yesterday morning I was checking my email and there was an email that caught my attention.  I started shaking and tears started running down my face and I was so scared I was felling nauseous.

Could it be?

Can it really be what I think it is?

I open up the email and OMG!  Butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I just received an email from Ashley!!

I read the email a couple of times, was I dreaming this?  Nope, it's real.

I sent a text to a friend who helped me with the video to let her know and then I called my Mom.  Mom kept saying "read it!  read it!"  I told Mom I wanted to throw up, so Mom kept telling me to breathe, it was going to be okay.  So I read her the email. 

My head was spinning.

In the email she thanked me, thanked me for the video, thanked me for the package.  She said the video had answered some questions she had wondered about and she was pleasantly surprised with what I said I the video and the video left her feeling warmth, calm and a sense of resolution.

I honestly didn't think she would watch the video this soon...hell....I wasn't expecting a response this quick!!!

There are a few things that did send me on the defensive real quick.  Way back when I talked about a friend of hers who came to me one day and the friend figured out who I was and then the friend had come back a few days later.  Well, Ashley is upset with me because her friend had carried this burden on her shoulders.  WHOA!  Hold the phone!!  I didn't search out the friend, the friend was a client who figured out who I was.  When the friend asked me what to do I told her only she knew the answer to that, she is an adult, I can not tell her what to do, she knows Ashley and knows if she should tell her or not.  I did tell her if Ashley was anything like me she would be upset if she ever found out the friend met me and never said anything.  So the friend carrying this burden is my fault, how?

 Then Ashley tells me that adoption is very personal and doesn't like that I talk about it.  What?  Yes, adoption is very personal.  But there is no way in hell I am going to go back into that God Forsaken Birth Mother Closet of Secrecy.  Okay, breathe...she grew up on the kool-aid....in time she will know....she grew up on the kool-aid....she grew up on the kool-aid.

The last thing she mentions that threw me on the defensive was that the Agency will be there for her when she is ready...she will go to the Agency.  Yes, the Agency that coerced, threatened, manipulated me so they could take my child.  The Agency lied to me, if they lied to me then chances are pretty good they lied to Ashley's Adoptive Parents, and if they lied to us they will lie to Ashley.

Okay, I need to stop working this over....

I got an email!!!

She gave a list of her interests...it was like reading a description of me...it was crazy!!  I LOVED it!!

Now the funny thing is...Friday I posted about that feeling I had....looks like this was it!!  YAY!!!

While I was busy freaking out over the email on the phone to Mom my sister sent me a text.  I called my sister and she said she had a feeling something big was happening with me and she wanted to check on me.  I asked her "Big like I got an email?"  My sister was so excited she cried.  She also told me about having weird dreams about strangers being around during the holidays, so I told her about my dream last Thursday night about Ashley being with us at Christmas.  We were both quiet for a moment...who knows, guess we will just have to wait and see...with our fingers crossed.

I wanted to let y'all know I got and email and I'm so excited!!  I haven't responded back yet because I need to get past those few things that threw me on the defensive.  I don't want the response to be defensive or sound bitchy.  Just because I got off the kool-aid doesn't mean that Ashley even knows she has a choice to refuse the kool-aid.

YAY!!!  WOO HOO!!!  I GOT AN EMAIL!!!!

The Never Ending Waiting Game

Well, it's done.  It is out of my hands.  I have done everything I can do...this is my final attempt. 

I have lived with an empty spot in my heart for a little over 24 years.  I have tried my best to remain positive.  So many things have happened through the years that scream out "Don't give up on Ashley!"

Something, someone, has kept me connected to her, preventing me from shutting the door from the pain I carry in my heart.

Is it an unbreakable bond that happens between Mother and Child?  

Is it something saying we were never suppose to be separated?  

Or is it finally understanding what Domestic Infant Adoption does?  Is it realizing after all these years that the Adoption Machine took advantage of my young, naive, emotional state and used it to lie to me to snatch my baby?

I don't know...I don't have the answers.

Unfortunately, I am now left in a state of limbo.  A piece of my heart was ripped away from me so people who had more money could be the saviors of my child.  Saviors.  My child did not need to be rescued, my child did not need to be saved.  No, my child needed to be raised in her family.  She needed to be with the people who know and understand the little things that make her who she is.

She wasn't a blank slate.  She carries part of me, part of her genetic history in her. 

Yes, I have tried to reach out to her...unsuccessfully.  So this time I tried a different approach.  Since I do not know what she has been told repeatedly through out her life and I do not know for sure if she was threatened to be cut off from the only family she knows if she reaches out.  I do not know the family dynamics she grew up in.  Hell, who knows...maybe she hates me and would spit on me if she ever saw me.  I don't know.  All I have is a gut feeling.

Through the years I have listened to Adoptees and even some Adoptive Moms (not the crazy ones who think it is their God given right to take babies away from their Mothers).  I have tried to keep my heart open and have hope and remain positive.  Thank you to everyone who helped me with my last attempt at reaching out.  And Jenn, big squishy hugs!!!

I created a 6 minute, 28 second video.  I had to re-do this video a thousand time (so it seemed).  I briefly touch on when I was pregnant with her, what it was like, what I craved, her Birth Father, our relationship, when I went into the hospital, our time together, what I named her.  I told her she was wanted.  I also told her I will NOT step in and be Mom.  I know she loves her parents and the woman who raised her earned the title of "Mom"...a title I never earned.  Through out the video I tell her there are other stories, if she ever wants to hear them.

I made the little jewel case cover.  Yes, there are a couple of Alice in Wonderland references in the video, on the cd and on the jewel case.

I know some were concerned about just sending a video and it freaking out Ashley if she just pops it in.  I wrote a little letter letting her know how I tried to write a letter, but the words never came out right, the short video seemed to work best.  I did give her a heads up as to what is on the video so she can choose to watch it when she feels ready.  In the letter I do give her my email address.  The letter was placed on top of the cd in the gift box.

I did make a brief comment about a full blood Swedish woman who welded planes during WWII.  So, I picked up a 2" Swedish Dala Horse.  I did cringe at how expensive the little wooden horse was, but it was hand carved and hand painted in Sweden.  Right now I am hoping she doesn't see it and just throw it away.  I also picked up a Swedish Milk Chocolate Bar and attached a note.  "Just in case you have an insatiable sweet tooth.  It's okay to eat it in one sitting if you want :-)"

I wrapped everything up as perfectly as my nervous little hands could.  (yes, I'm a little OCD)  I am hoping she will see that a lot of love and care went into this.

Last Friday a work friend of mine had asked me "what if she freaks out when she gets the package?"  I told her if Ashley would have responded to my facebook message last year then I wouldn't have done this.  So my friend replies, "Oh, I get it.  Ignore little Miss OCD and she sends you gifts."  I laughed and told her only if I gave birth to you.  My friend hugged me and told me to stay positive and don't obsessively check my email.

Wednesday morning I packed up everything and wrote a little note asking that she have an open heart and an open mind.  Another co-worker friend of mine saw the open box and prayed over it, she said she prayed for a positive response.

The box was shipped, scheduled to arrive Friday morning at her work.  If you read my previous posts it was decided this was the best option since sending it to her home would probably scare the daylights out of her...finding her work address was public information.  I was hoping she received the box before she left work on Friday so she could process, if need be, at home over the weekend.  I felt bad enough shipping this to her work.

The package was received at 11am.  It is now out of my hands.  I have done everything I could possibly do and I know I can't reach out again, this was my final attempt.  I am trying my best to think positive thoughts, I know it may be a while before I get a response.

If she ignores this then I stay in limbo and to be totally honest.  I think staying in limbo is making me a little nuts.

If she tells me to go to hell then I can try to figure out how to deal with it, maybe then I can figure out how to let go...but leave my door open.

If she tells me she's not ready then that's okay too...at least I know I am not being ignored.

If she opens the door then of course I would be ecstatic!!

So now all I can do is wait...that never ending waiting game.

What happened to my patience?

I will write later, but I wanted to let y'all know the video is done and the package I created is being shipped to my First Daughter Ashley.

I do have a tracking number and the package should arrive Friday morning at her office.  I am hoping she gets it before she leaves work.  

Like I said before, I will write later about the package and video I ended up pulling together for Ashley.  I hope and pray that I have somehow touched her and she will make positive contact.

I am trying my best to remain positive and hopeful!!!

3 - 2 - 1 Action!

The "draft script" for my video to Ashley is written...in pencil.

I took the questions and used them to write everything out.  For some of the questions I did not want to go into a full story, I am letting her know it is another story, for another time...if she is interested.

I'm trying to keep the video about 5 minutes, 10 minutes tops.

All that is left for me to do now is write out my note cards so I stay on track and Monday I will begin recording.  I'm going to include a handwritten note letting her know I tried to write, but it was nearly impossible so I created the video (something along those lines) and I will list the questions I answered.  I will close the note with a "please let me know if you received this and if you are the right person or not" and I will leave just my email address.

Since I am making reference to a Swedish Great Grandmother who welded planes during WWII in the video I'm going to include a small gift wrapped dala horse with its Swedish story.

So hopefully with the note card attached to the video Ashley will know what it is (and what it is about) so she won't be completely freaked out and she'll be curious enough to play it.  I'm also hoping the small dala horse will help warm her up to the idea of wanting to get to know me.

I also hope with the video Ashley will see the similarities...I hope she has a lot of "I do that!" and maybe, just maybe, it will be enough for her to send an email. 

Thank you everyone who helped me figure out what to say!!!

And big squishy hugs for the one who let me use her as my "sound board" and for your wonderful advice.

The First Draft...

Writing, erasing, writing more, erasing again.

Ripped up sheets of notebook paper.

The brand new pencil I was using is now just a nub and the eraser completely gone.

Sending a letter through the agency, or sending one on facebook was never this hard.  I needed to write something that was going to get her attention.  I needed a response...good or bad, I need something so I am no longer in limbo.

My girlfriend Jennifer sent me a text, "how are you doing?"  I responded back with "I need to get drunk, pour my heart out into a 40 page draft.  When I sober up I can condense it to no more that 2 pages".  Jennifer replies "LOL"

Putting myself on paper is extremely difficult.  Even writing here is very, very hard.  It's just not possible for me to put me in writing...I'm way too animated to be on paper.  So this draft letter is tough.

I came up with writing a story in third person, the story was about the circumstances surrounding Ashley's birth and how I wanted to keep her.  I was going to write it on a piece of vellum and draw a picture to go underneath the vellum.  I emailed Jennifer the draft story (I was going to write the rest as a regular letter).

Jennifer replied later.  "I hate it!!  This story should have a happy ending and YOU did NOT have a happy ending.  This is not you."

A was a little relieved to hear that...this is so not me!!  So it was back to the drawing board, a new pencil, new eraser and even more paper.

Jennifer tells me I'm thinking too hard on this.  It appears Ashley is into her Leo sign so Jennifer suggests writing to her sign.

Her sign...

Why didn't I think about this before??

I'm an Aquarius to a T, all I need to do is research the Leo a little.

After studying up a little I send Jennifer a text.  "A letter will not get a Leo's attention and writing a letter is not an Aquarian's style".  Jennifer replies "Any ideas because not knowing is killing you".  I reply back "how about a video.  That will get her attention and she will see the similarities and that should get her curiosity really going".  Jennifer responds "LOVE IT! I have a camera".

So, my approach will be different.  Ashley will have something that not only tells her what she means to me, but she will have something where she can see that we look ALOT alike, she will hear my voice and hear my laughter.  If she watches the video then she should respond.

****  Adoptees, I need your help!!  ****

What questions did you have for your First Mother before making any kind of contact?  I would like to address this the a video.

The What If's ARE Killing Me!!!

The what if's ARE killing me!!

I lost my daughter to adoption 24 years ago and I can't stand by quietly and allow it to keep us separated.

Yes, a friend of mine reached out to her when she was 18.  It freaked her out and I still feel guilty about that, but the silver lining...she knew about the MySpace I had once just for here.

She (and her friends) visited the MySpace page often before I had to shut it down.  Ashley once posted about reading my stories and she really liked them...and she really liked me!!

People she knew would cross my path over the years.  I'm not talking about one friend, I'm talking about several people!!  One of them use to be my HR Manager when I worked in Corporate America.  The HR Manager had told me about how open Ashley was about being adopted and then she would tell me the Adoptive Mom's reaction.  The Adoptive Mom would say mean, nasty things about Ashley's Birth Mother...Me.

I sent Ashley a message on facebook, no response.  I sent a follow up a couple of months later, no response.  I can deal with her saying "piss off" or "I'm not ready", but it is being ignored that is killing me!!  My personality is a little too big to be ignored, which is probably why my friends and family are shocked that I haven't done anything more.

Until yesterday...

I had decided I was going to send her a handwritten letter.  I got a hold of my girlfriend Jennifer who plays my devil's advocate when it comes to Ashley.  I wanted to use a legitimate search company online to provide me the mailing address for Ashley in California.  Jennifer told me to give her a couple of hours, she was going to check the databases she has subscriptions for.  So I waited...

Jennifer asked for a few more pieces of info.  I gave it to her along with the parents, their biological daughter's name and their address.  So again, I wait...

A couple of hours later I get a text from Jennifer to call her, so I did.

We decided it would be best to send a letter FedEx (with a paid return FedEx envelope) to Ashley's work.  Since everything leads to the Adoptive Parents home address it would be less "creepy" to send it to her work, if I were to send it to her home she will probably freak out since her Adoptive Parents have gone to great lengths to show that Ashley "still lives" in her childhood home.  Ashley's work info was super easy to locate, and the info is publicly available, so after the initial shock wears off then she would see how she got the letter at her work.

Jennifer found the Adoptive Dad on facebook.  I went through his very public page and found tons of pictures of Ashley, even her college graduation pictures.  I started to get concerned, everything was about Ashley.  To any unknown person it would look like she was a true Daddy's Girl, but to me it looks like she was a great piece of property he had purchased.  It made my stomach turn.  Is she some piece of property they own?  I wanted to hurl!!!

I have been told by the people who have crossed my path that Ashley and I were so much alike, right down to our speech and personality.  If this is true then I really am concerned.  If we are so much alike then how is she handling not being her true self?  Or have they been conditioning her since the "gotcha day" that they own her and any thoughts of being who she really is won't be allowed.  These thoughts made me sick.  I can't think about that right now...I need to focus on the letter.  That concern can be pushed aside until that bridge has been crossed.  No need to put the cart in front of the horse.

Jennifer also found the Adoptive Mom on facebook, her profile was somewhat private so there wasn't much info on Ashley to get.  I told Jennifer I wasn't going to focus on what the Adoptive Mom had said to me, I was going to go forward telling myself that she is afraid I will try to take her place...which I am not.  She raised Ashley, the title of Mom belongs to her.  Jennifer said the woman appears crazy, and not a fun crazy either.  Yes, from the things I have heard about the Adoptive Mom I am led to believe that something might be off with her.  I told Jennifer that before I ever crossed paths with HR Manager I held Ashley's parents in my heart.  I will still hold them in my heart, I will embrace them...because that's just how I am.  If the Adoptive Mom really is "off" then I will corner her and give her a big squishy hug.  If she is insecure then that is not my fault, I will be the bigger person.

Jennifer agrees with my gut feeling on all of this.  The Adoptive Parents are my roadblocks.  It is a huge possibility that the Adoptive Mom is placing ginormous "Jewish Mom" guilt trips on her.  I will proceed, I will go around the roadblocks.  I will not be the one to make Ashley feel guilty, I will not make her feel like she has to choose.  Ashley has a right to know her history, know where she came from, she has a right to know her true self.

No, guilt trips are not my style. 

After searching all of the social media and internet search engines I was able to get enough information for my next step.

What leaves me feeling sad is Ashley's Adoptive Parent's biological daughter.  It looks like she grew up in Ashley's shadow.  Almost like the parents view her as "not as good" as Ashley.  I hope I am wrong with this one, no one deserves to be compared to someone else.  Their daughter is her own person and she should be loved for who she is.

I can not think about the Adoptive Parents right now, or the sister, or anything else that will cloud my thoughts with sadness and heartache.  I will only focus on reaching out one more time, showing nothing but love, acceptance, understanding, and respect.

So now I must start writing out my draft letter...

Tempted...

Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade in the Maltese Falcon

After reading all of the comments from "Ignored" I'm starting to wonder...

Was sending the message too impersonal?  I know she shouldn't have any doubts as to who I am if she looked at my profile picture, we look to much alike for there to be any denial.

Is it possible her Adoptive Parents still have access to her facebook account?  Did they go in and delete it to prevent her from ever finding out the real reason why she was lost to adoption?

I thought about sending her a friend request, but the things I have heard about her adoptive parents I know it would be a bad idea...a very bad idea.  The last thing I want is for Ashley to be put into a position to where she feels guilty or where she feels she has to choose.  No Adoptee should ever have to have that kind of guilt placed on them and I would never risk putting her that position.

Will a hand written letter get her to respond to me?  This "not knowing" is driving me absolutely batty!!

I've searched and searched for an address for her.  I came across her resume last summer with her address listed, but she moved to California a few days before I found it.  Any other address that comes up belongs to her Adoptive Parents.  It appears her parents are still providing for her, and it looks like they are only leaving a trail to their house.  I know sending something to the parents house will not work, it will be intercepted, possibly destroyed...like every little token, letter, card I sent through the Agency.

A part of me wants to leave it as it is...

Another part of me wants to actually utilize intelius or peoplefinder to locate a physical address for her in California.  I'm hesitant because I don't know if it will be a waste of money.

Yes, Ashley rejecting me terrifies me, but would I be pushing too much?  She's only 24 years old now, she's still young.

Or has she been told so many lies about me that she has washed her hands of any possible communication?

I really don't like all of this waiting and not knowing...

I am tempted to send a letter FedEx, signature required, if I can only locate a physical address.  I'd also include a returned paid FedEx envelope for her to make it easier. 

So tempted, so, so tempted...

Ignored

It has been about a year since I "jumped the roadblock".

August of last year I sent Ashley a message on facebook.  As terrified of her rejection as I am I went ahead, bit the bullet and reached out.

The thought of making direct contact like that scared the daylights out of me.  For so many years I wished, dreamed, and hoped for a reunion.  I have spent her entire life trying to convince myself she is in a better place.  Even though I never wanted to lose her to adoption I tried my best to look ahead in a positive light.  In my heart I was (am) willing to embrace those she loves.  

Deep down inside, even though I was (am) hopeful of a positive outcome I was beside myself with fear...fear of Ashley's rejection.

My heart was screaming "send the message", but my head was screaming "No!  She'll reject you".  I was conflicted.  A friend of mine, who I found in that super secret First Mother closet, encouraged me to send that message.  After I sent it I felt nauseous.  It was too late, the message is out there.  My heart was exposed to Ashley to do as she wished.

For those who are not First Mothers probably don't understand the depth of fear I felt.  The emotions I felt when I was pregnant with her, delivering her, the emotions from holding her in the hospital and losing her to adoption hit me like a tsunami.  As the days moved on after sending the message I started to realize that I was being ignored.

Ignored.

Not necessarily a rejection, and not really an acceptance.

Ignored.

Frustrated at the lack of communication I tried my best to push it aside and continue on with life.  To be totally honest, it makes me sad knowing what Ashley had missed out on in the last year here in her First Family world.

Her half sister started Middle School and had survived 7th grade.  She missed her track meets, missed a first boyfriend, missed out on the heart to heart talks a little sister would have about figuring out how do deal with being a 7th grader.  She missed out on a little half sister officially turning into a teenager.

Ashley missed out on her super awesome kick ass step-grandfather.  We lost him last September, so she will never experience the constant laughter he brought into our lives.

Of course, she missed out on the holidays and family gatherings.

I had changed jobs since I sent her that message, I am now working closer to home...trying to patiently rebuild my clientele.  She also missed out on the crazy, random client I had...a former classmate of hers.

I never received a response from Ashley.  Maybe she deleted it?  Maybe she is still waiting to figure what to say in a response?  Maybe she has a overbearing Adoptive Mother (God I hope not!) who is making her feel guilty about even considering responding?

Who knows what happened to my message.

What I do know is that I laid my heart out there, left myself vulnerable to her, and I have never received a response.

Instead, I am ignored.

The woman who conceived her, carried her in her womb, protected her, love her unconditionally.  The woman whose heart has been ripped to shreds because she lost her to adoption is ignored.

Ignored.

Like I am some random telemarketer.

Ignored.

Things to do: Wear pointy hats

My 4th Birthday.  Does this picture scream 1974 or what?

Still no word on the message I sent to my First Daughter on August 17th...or the follow up message I sent on October 10th.  I am stubborn enough to not give up hope and I have a quirky enough personality to come up with a random list of things to do to help pass the time.  I know as long as I can keep my sense of humor then I should be able to keep from climbing the walls!!

Things to do while you patiently wait for some sort of response from your First Child...

Wear Pointy Birthday Hats

Why wait for a birthday party?  Wear pointy birthday hats all year round.  Sure, you will get funny looks from people at first, but they would end up smiling!  Those pointy paper hats usually bring up those happy, warm memories of birthdays past...well...maybe for my generation.

So go ahead.  Put that silly pointy birthday hat on, make a random person smile.

***Thank you Jenn for the suggestion.***

Things to do: Knit a sweater for your Koi Fish

Still no word on the message I sent to my First Daughter on August 17th...or the follow up message I sent on October 10th.  I am stubborn enough to not give up hope and I have a quirky enough personality to come up with a random list of things to do to help pass the time.  I know as long as I can keep my sense of humor then I should be able to keep from climbing the walls!!

Things to do while you patiently wait for some sort of response from your First Child...

Knit a sweater for your Koi Fish

Okay, I know, this is completely ridiculous.  If you think about it the fish remain outdoors, they don't get the luxury of staying nice and cozy indoors during the winter.  They are stuck outside in the cold water hibernating.  So why not help them out a bit by knitting sweaters for them?

To be totally honest, I have never seen a Koi Fish swimming around wearing a cozy little sweater and this certainly would be an odd sight to see...especially when I can not knit to save my life.


**This "thing to do" was suggested by my Japanese co-worker.  The thought of knitting a sweater for Japanese Koi Fish had her cracking up...silly girl!

Follow up to "Jumping the roadblock"

Last August I finally sent Ashley a message on facebook.  I never received a response from her yet.  Since then she has moved to California.

With encouragement from several of you and with the help of a certain special someone I have sent a follow up message on facebook.

I did let her know in this follow up that I am here for her whenever she is ready and I would like to have contact to get to know her...snail mail, email, texting or messaging is best at first so I do not come across as a babbling nut on the phone.  I also told her I would love to answer any questions she may have.

I don't know if I will get a response.  I really hope she replies with something, even a "leave me the hell alone" will be fine...I do hope it is something positive.

So there you go...I wait again for something, anything, just some kind of response!

Things to do: Hug a random stranger

Still no word on the message I sent to my First Daughter on August 17th.  I am stubborn enough to not give up hope and I have a quirky enough personality to come up with a random list of things to do to help pass the time.  I know as long as I can keep my sense of humor then I should be able to keep from climbing the walls!!

Things to do while you patiently wait for some sort of response from your First Child...

Hug a random stranger.

That's right, go up to a random stranger (who is not scary looking) and embrace them.  This might be a little intimidating at first, but try it.  Just hug them, then walk away. 

If you want to make it more fun act like the stranger is some long lost friend.  The stranger will be so stunned they won't know what to say, they will probably try to figure out a polite way of letting you know you have the wrong person.  After you do this walk away saying "it was great seeing you again"


The stranger will probably be in complete shock, but that's okay.  They got a hug and who knows that hug might have made their day.  Plus it will give them something to smile and talk about.

So go out there and hug a stranger, brighten someone's day.

Things to do: Chinese Fire Drill

Still no word on the message I sent to my First Daughter on August 17th.  I am stubborn enough to not give up hope and I have a quirky enough personality to come up with a random list of things to do to help pass the time.  I know as long as I can keep my sense of humor then I should be able to keep from climbing the walls!!

Things to do while you patiently wait for some sort of response from your First Child...Chinese Fire Drill.

Yes, you just read Chinese Fire Drill! To make it more fun try it at 2am while sitting at a drive thru wearing a cocktail dress.

The best Chinese Fire Drill I was involved in was the night of our 20th High School Reunion...I know we aren't kids anymore, but it was hilarious!  It was my old gang from Junior High, we were in two cars.  The gala was over and we were tipsy (except for the two designated drivers).  We needed food, greasy food before heading back to the hotel.  While we were sitting in the drive thru (for some reason Whataburger was awfully busy at 2 am) my car decided to do a chinese fire drill.  We had a blast, the car behind us was part of our group and they were cracking up!!  Nothing like watching a bunch of grown women jumping out and running around the car in cocktail dresses and bare feet.  Our designated driver was horrified, she couldn't believe we did that.  When we pulled up to the window the employees were laughing and our designated driver was so embarrassed she couldn't look at the girl who was taking the money...I think she forgot what kind of people she ran around with.

Ahhh...the fun you can have with girlfriends at 2am.

You have got to be kidding me!

I have been searching for Ashley's mailing address.  I even had a private investigator acquaintance help out.  Of course no luck.  My original plan was a ship a small package to her with a couple of pictures, a letter and a small gift, I was going to send this FedEx or UPS so I could get a confirmation.

I jumped the roadblock and sent her a message instead on facebook.   Part of my decision to do this was so it wouldn't completely freak her out, another part was so only she received the message and it did not get intercepted.  Of course I still haven't received any type of acknowledgement back from the facebook message.

As I was getting my younger daughter ready for her first school dance tonight (another milestone to remind me of what was taken from me) I thought I would google Ashley's name.

OMG!

You have got to be kidding me!

WTH?

Right there, in front of me, plain as day...her resume!  Complete with contact info!!

I couldn't believe it!  Why didn't I find this a month ago?  Before she packed up and left for California?

My friend (my daughter's best friend's mom) came to pick up my daughter and of course take pictures.  I told her what I just found.  Her eyes got really big and she asked if I printed it off.  I told her I did.  She asked how her resume looked, I told her I was impressed and she listed that she had a 3.5 GPA in college.  She reminded me it was too late, I told her I knew.  Then she reminded me...Christmas is coming up.

Christmas IS coming up.  Maybe in a couple of months I can do another search and maybe find an updated resume.  Maybe, just maybe, I can send her a Christmas gift.  She knows I'm not Jewish and she knows that I know she went to a Jewish family...so I could send a Christmas present...right?

And now the mother in me takes over...OMG!  Her contact info is out there for the world to see!!  Haven't her parents taught her anything about internet safety???  Great...another thing to worry about that I have no control over.  Sigh...

Things to do: Stare at the ceiling

Still no word on the message I sent to my First Daughter on August 17th.  I am stubborn enough to not give up hope and I have a quirky enough personality to come up with a random list of things to do to help pass the time.  I know as long as I can keep my sense of humor then I should be able to keep from climbing the walls!!

Last week I stared at my boss.  It was a lot of fun for me, even my co-workers joined in.  He knew why I was doing this and he was a good sport about it.

So this week, my thing to do will be to stare at the ceiling in a crowded restaurant, store, or some public place like something is about to drop.  That's right, stare at the ceiling!

Last time I did this was in 1983, I was 13 years old working at Vikon Village Flea Market. I had a friend who also worked there.  We were bored and we had these silly, slimy little octopus' things that you could throw at a wall and it stuck at little and rolled down.  We didn't have a wall to throw them at so we threw them up in the air.  The Flea Market was indoors, inside of a building that was once a warehouse, it had a metal roof and the ceiling consisted of huge steel beams and chicken wire.  We would throw these silly things up in the air and catch them.

At some point I threw mine up too hard and it landed on the ledge of one of the steel beams.  My friend and I kept looking up calling "Come on, jump!"  We kept doing this, we didn't realize what kind of scene we were causing.  People were stopping and looking up.  They had no clue that this ridulous little octopus was barely hanging off the ledge, instead they thought we were messing with them.  A lot of them would walk off shaking their heads and smiling...crazy kids.

Things to do:  Stare at the ceiling.  This should help keep me occupied for a little bit.

Things to do: Stare at your boss

Waiting for Ashley to respond to my message is making me climb the walls.  It has been three weeks now and I am starting to wonder if I am being ignored.  

Actually, I'm really starting to get the feeling that I am being ignored. 

To keep me from climbing the walls I need to find something to keep me distracted, so today I have decided to stare at my boss like he has something on his nose.

Yes, you read me right me right...stare at my boss like he has something on his nose.  Thankfully, I work in a place where I can get away with this and it would be pay back for him picking on me about my silver hairs.  (They are silver, silver is prettier than grey)  The hard part will be doing this while keeping a straight face.  If I can keep from laughing, or smiling then it should be fun to see how many times he runs to a mirror.  I know he will get me back for this, but as long as it's fun and no one ends up hurt or bleeding then it should keep me distracted...for a few hours at least.

I'm glad I have a boss that is a pretty good sport and in the end he would be happy to help keep me from driving myself nuts while waiting for some kind of message from Ashley.  

Strange Behavior...

It has been a long day.  In between facials and waxing, when I would have my few quiet moments I would try to tell myself that Ashley was just trying to figure out what to write.  Well, my boss had this very excited look on his face and asked "Any word yet?".  I told him I was trying to not obsessively check my messages.  He was so excited, you would have thought it was Christmas Morning or something.  So I logged in...nothing...but something caught my eye...

My youngest daughter is also on Facebook, my husband and I monitor it...heavily.  She had posted this "status", I couldn't believe what she wrote, it sounded so grown up.  This is what she posted:

Listen up. if someone tells u a secret its just between u and them not the whole school not your best friend just the person and if they give you permission to tell others than go ahead. but if you tell others than its going to come right back at you and hurt really bad. that includes all the little drama queens and girls that think they are all that well here is some news your not

I knew immediately this had something to do with this girl who has been trying to terrorize my daughter for the last two years.  I emphasize "trying" because this person has not succeeded.  My youngest daughter is one of those who sits back to see how things play out first, she gathers information (wonder where she gets that) about what is going on before she jumps in the middle of any bickering.  She gets along with everyone, she doesn't like to see her friends get hurt and when she needs to she will step up and defend the person who needs defending.  This "mean girl" is jealous and is insecure, she wants what my youngest daughter has.  During the last year my daughter's friends have been doing everything they could to protect her from this "mean girl".  For being a 12 year old, just starting 7th grade I think my daughter has done an amazing job of building lasting, solid friendships with a large group of girls.  I'm proud of her!

Well, my boss saw the posting.  His immediate reaction..."Are they picking on her because she is excited about having an older sister?"  I told him I was pretty sure this had to do with the "mean girl".  He kept carrying on about how these girls are now trying to hurt my youngest daughter because I lost my First Daughter to adoption.  I told him to get over himself.

Why on earth would he automatically assume her posting is adoption related?  She's a 12 year kid, she just started Middle School...there will be drama and it's usually about other girls at school or boys...not about having an older sister lost to adoption.

So my thinking on this is, correct me if I'm wrong, is that my boss will be the one having the nervous breakdown if I get rejected (or constant ignore) by Ashley.  He keeps asking if I have heard anything and when I tell him no he starts to get really upset and he starts worrying it will be bad.  I love my bossman dearly, but seriously.  He needs to believe me when I tell him if I get rejected via facebook I might get a little sad, but I won't give up.  If she tells me to F*** Off in a letter I will probably cry, but I won't give up.  If she shows up at my doorstep and tells me to go to hell I might fall back into that pit of despair, but I won't give up.   Who knows, these will be my emotions to deal with...not his.

BTW - I was correct.  Her posting was because the "Mean Girl" was trying to stir crap up.

Waiting and Waiting and Waiting

It has been a week now since I sent my First Daughter Ashley a message on facebook.  The message was short and sweet.  Started off with a "not sure you are the person I'm looking for".  I know she is my First Daughter, but I did not want her to panic.  I went on to explain that I am a Birth Mother who lost her First Daughter to adoption 23 years ago.  I chose "lost" because I wanted to keep her and I didn't want to go into telling her I was coerced, and I didn't want her to think I willing to give her up.  I made it very clear that I did NOT want to disrupt her life, I just wanted to know if she was happy.  All she had to do was respond with a yes or a no and if she was comfortable with more then that would be great!  I wanted to keep it easy for her...all she had to do was type yes or no...that's it.  The message was wrapped up with me telling her if she is my First Daughter then I wanted her to know she has always been in my thoughts and I carried her in my heart and if she is not then I apologized for this "weird random message".  Signing the message was a little difficult, I  wasn't quite sure how to do it.  I finally decided on signing it with just my nickname everyone calls me by, my name on her OBC in parenthesis and my current last name.  I figured this would give her the choice to call me whatever she wants with no pressure.

The message was short, to the point, tried to help make it easier for her, tried to leave it open enough for a response, no pressure and a little humor.

So I wait.  I am proud of myself for not checking my messages every 5 minutes, I only check it two - three times a day.  The sent message is still showing up in my messages, I don't know how to check to see if she has opened it and I don't know if she deletes it if it will be deleted from my messages too.  On the bright side she has not blocked me...I know, strange way of picking out the silver lining, but I will take it!

If she responds in a negative way I know I will be okay.  I might be a little disappointed, but it will not throw me down a path of self-destruction (been there, done that, got the t-shirt).

If she responds in a positive way then I will probably shout my joys from the rooftop!

But right now I worry that I am being ignored.  I don't like being ignored, hell, my personality is too big to be ignored!!  I just wish I would get something as simple as a "Yes, but I am trying to figure out how to respond" or a "Leave me alone!"  Something, anything, I need this band-aid ripped off quickly, not pulled slowly.  

I know it has only been a week and I know better than to expect something in return so fast.  I just wish I knew if she read the message and if she is trying to figure out what to say or if she wants me to just go away.  This feeling of not knowing is making me feel very anxious and I just don't like that feeling. 

So here I am...waiting and waiting and waiting....