Thursday, November 22, 2012

Adoption Kool Aid Strikes Again!

"Good news is that the agency will be there for me if and when I am ready."
This sentence, this single sentence is absolutely killing me.  Every time I read it I start crying.  Good news?  How is that good news?  Really?

She has absolutely no idea what happened, not a single clue.  She believes adoption is a beautiful thing.

Damn that effing adoption kool aid!!!

If and when she is ready what is she going to find out?  You can't know a person from a piece of paper and God only knows what kind crap is in that file.  They already told me they can't find the letters, the cards, the little gifts I left for her...they acted like it was no big deal.  These "wonderful" people at the agency threw me away like some piece of crap stuck to the bottom of their shoe.

Good news?

How could it possibly be good news for me?  I'm the one who sat there each week and listen to "The Brainwasher" carry on about what a shame it was that I was pregnant because she could see me dating her son (gross!).

No there was no care or concern coming from her.

Just her telling me if I kept my baby my boyfriend would leave me and the baby and I would be living in a cardboard box under I-20.  Or I would be raising my child in one abusive relationship after another because no decent man would want a tainted woman.  This woman, this one woman managed to destroy every ounce of confidence I had in myself!!

Every time I said "My baby" the woman yelled at me telling me this was not my baby, I had no right to this baby.  (the baby wasn't even born yet)  Once I mentioned I wanted to keep my baby and the woman nearly choked on the handfuls of dry cereal she kept shoving in her mouth...she told me if I kept my baby they could take me to court and get my baby from me because I was an unfit, "loose" woman and I didn't stand a chance in court against them.

Sometimes she would tell me stories of this couple who she thought would be perfect.  They were rich, had a nice, big, beautiful house and so desperately wanted a baby.  They were from Dallas and lived in a very upscale neighborhood.  They had been married for seven years and had tried to get pregnant since they got married and unfortunately the wife was just not capable of conceiving and they have been waiting on "the list" for the last seven years.  There would be no way I would ever cross paths with them.

And the lies go on and on and on and on....

It took 18 years for me to find out about them.  They are not from Dallas.  They were not married for seven years.  The neighborhood was about 10 miles from my neighborhood...not in the area the Brainwasher described.  They were not on "the list" for seven years.  The wife did give birth to her own biological child a few years after they adopted Ashley. And has for crossing paths...well, I think our paths started crossing as early as 1989.

Ashley has no clue.  She has absolutely no idea that the "Good news" has been my freaking nightmare all these years.

She doesn't know any different, she was taught that this was a "beautiful thing".  She doesn't know about the pain in my heart caused by adoption and she doesn't know that my broken heart also ripples out and touches the people who are connected to me.

I can't come out and throw all that on the table, that would surely scare the daylights out of her and right now it would not be necessary to fill her in on that subject.  And if she is as stubborn as I am then she wouldn't listen anyway, she would have to find out for herself.

Am I getting upset over nothing??  The way she wrote the email I can tell she trying to be stand offish and guarded, that's fine...I understand that.  But the "Good news" part...that is absolutely killing me right now.

And I thought waiting in Limbo for the last 6 years was tough...


birthmothertalks said...

My daughter (in reunion) has never came out and said that adoption was good for her ect. However, she has made it clear that she has a nice family that take care of her and I am sure she can notice that she has had more things due to finances and she ca probably notice that I been divorced and remarried. All which she hasn't had to deal with because she wasn't brought up with me. Sometimes, the diffrerences hurt my self worth but I have to remember that adopion is the luck of the draw. I do believe she has good parents that listened t how adoption was done in the 90's but also didn't respect nor do I feel that they support her in reunion. I think to have relationship we have to set some of this aside and know its not their burdens to carry. Reunion is hard. Its slaps ya in the face sometimes and the negative stuff is hard to admit cause ya want to just experience the happy stuff but its part of life.

Laura Dennis said...

I am so sorry for your pain. I'm an adult adoptee in reunion for about 10 years, and meeting my original mother changed. my. life. It filled a hole in my heart that I didn't know was there. But, I was the type of person who always wanted to know her. Always. On the other hand, my a-brother (from a different biological family) will say "Our parents are enough for me." He has no need/desire to search.

Depending upon what Ashley's been told over the years about you, your "situation," her original father, etc, she is likely pretty brainwashed. It will be hard for her to "go against" her a-parents and risk alienating them by getting to know you. I know you have soooo much hurt, but like you said, please try to keep that away from her. Try to be open and to guide her as only a mother who truly understands her could. I wish you all the best, and will keep reading. If I can help Ashley in any way (fellow adoptee) -- please do contact me, let me know! You're not alone! -- Laura