Friday, November 16, 2012

I just felt giddy...for no reason

Today I was quietly reading my Kindle in my facial room at work.  (Don’t judge…it’s a quiet, peaceful perk to working a commission only job on a slow day)  I wasn’t in a social mood to go hang out in the salon area with the Hair Stylists…it was just one of those days.  I was perfectly content reading my mystery.


Trying my best…

Trying my best to not notice my package was sent to Ashley two weeks ago.

No response…nothing.

I know, I know, it’s still too early.  Maybe she’s trying to figure out what to say?  Or maybe she’s making a video too?  Maybe she’s afraid to open the box.  Maybe it’s just too early to come to any conclusion.

Still stuck in limbo.  Sucky Adoption Limbo.  Stuck somewhere in the middle of reuniting and “who cares that you are my First Mother”.  Yep, still stuck in that comfortable, never knowing, unsure Limbo.  Just little ol’ me, curled up in my facial room reading my Kindle and sipping my heavenly Pumpkin Spice Latte.

About 1pm a strange feeling came over me.  I was giddy, I felt this overwhelming joy, like I wanted to skip through a field of daisies.  It was strange because I was just in a quiet mood.  I walked out into the salon and looked at one of my friends.  She started laughing and asked why I looked so confused.  I told her why.  

The friend was excited; she said “Maybe you are getting a response”.  I laughed and told her “I wish”.  Another friend joined in on the conversation.  Friend 2 said, “Maybe she’s making a video.”  I laughed again and told friend 2 “That would be awesome, but I doubt it.  I can sense things with my close family members, I doubt I can sense anything with Ashley…I didn’t raise her, remember?”  Friend 3 piped in “You gave birth to her, biologically you are her Mother.  You two bonded when you were pregnant with her and you two sealed that bond when you held her.” 

I mentioned earlier that it was a slow day at work, right?

Several more people joined in on the conversation we were having at the color bar.  I’m trying not to laugh and roll my eyes.  All I did was mention that I felt giddy and this sense of overwhelming joy.  Next thing I know I have about six Hair Stylists coming up with different ways that Ashley would make contact with me and they were all coming up with how much longer I would have to wait.  I love these girls dearly, but they could never truly grasp what I’m going through…I am grateful to have them as my little cheerleaders though.  


I mean really…the giddy, overwhelming joy could honestly be anything!!  

Guess it was a good thing I didn’t mention to them that I had a dream last night that Ashley was celebrating Christmas at my house with my family on Christmas Eve.


Susie said...

I wish, I wish, I wish!!!

Sara said...

Hang in there! I hope the reason for the giddiness comes to light ASAP!

birthmothertalks said...

Glad you have friends that you can talk with and maybe even joke with. I am hoping she responds soon.

In Blind Faith said...

I really do hope Ashley is the reason for the giddiness!!!

Having friends to talk to about what I'm going through really does help. When I told one of the other girls my story she started crying saying she had no idea First Mothers went through this. Guess it's my little way of educating the world.

Another Hair Stylist walked up (she's new) and over heard the conversation. She looked at me like I had three heads and said "You don't look like a Birth Mother". The great thing about that? I didn't even have to friends took over. I was so proud of my friends.

It's nice not keeping this a secret and it's even better having friends who are willing to hold my hand on this wretched roller coaster!!