Christmas is fast approaching. For some reason I just can't get into the Christmas mood. This holiday is a painful reminder of what is missing in my life, my heart. I just hope one day Ashley will be around...at Christmas...and every other time in my life...
Where Are You Christmas?
Faith Hill
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
This song doesn't remind me of adoption, it doesn't make me think of Ashley, and it doesn't interpret my feelings about my two facebook messages being ignored by Ashley.
This is just a song that makes me laugh. I hope it makes you laugh a little too...
White & Nerdy
Weird Al Yankovic
They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking
I'm so White N' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
I wanna roll with-
The gangsters
But so far they all think
I'm too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Really, really white n' nerdy
First in my class here at M.I.T.
Got skills, I'm a Champion of DND
MC Escher that's my favorite MC
Keep your 40
I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin to the contrary
You'll find they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Steven Hawkings in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
I got people begging for my top 8 spaces
Yo I know Pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at minesweeper I can play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed,
my fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well, I'm number 1
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat but I gotta soldering gun
Happy days is my favourite theme song
I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon
Here's the part I sing on
They see me roll on, my Segway!
I know in my heart they think I'm
white n' nerdy!
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy
I'd like to roll with-
The gangsters
Although it's apparent I'm too
White n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
How'd I get so white n' nerdy?
I've been browsing, inspectin'
X-men comics you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket
I must protect 'em
my ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code who do they call?
I do HTML for them all
Even made a homepage for my dog!
Yo! Got myself a fanny pack
they were having a sale down at the GAP
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
POP POP! Hope no one sees me gettin' freaky!
I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour creme
I was in AV club and Glee club and even the chess team!
Only question I ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?
I spend every weekend
at the renaissance fair
I got my name on my under wear!
They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause
I'm so white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
All because I'm white n' nerdy
Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy
I wanna bowl with-
the gangsters
but oh well it's obvious I'm
white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
Losing a child to a closed adoption is certainly no picnic. There are some days that are just fine, then there are other days when it is painful. Sometimes, the words used to coerce me come flashing back, leaving me feeling lost and insecure. There is an emptiness left inside of me, a void that will never be filled, nothing can take that emptiness away. A piece of me was taken away, leaving my puzzle undone.
23 years later I am able to finally say...actually quote Christina Aguilar's song..."We are beautiful no matter what they say. Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no We are beautiful in every single way. Yes, words can't bring us down"
Beautiful
Christina Aguilera
Spoken:
Don't look at me
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, I saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...
No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times
'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today
This song took on a new meaning after losing Ashley to adoption. To this day I still do not understand how I let them take her away...without a trace, for so long. I wish I could make her turn around and see me because there is so much to say and Ashley coming back to me is against all odds....
Against All Odds
Phil Collins
How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain,
and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me
is against all odds and that's what I've got to face
I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you,
well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
'cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take, oh, oho
For so many years I have been told to keep quiet. Almost convinced that I did not have a voice. I know I do have a voice and a lot of people don't want to hear what I have to say because it makes them uncomfortable, they don't want to hear about the ugly side of adoption. Well, I have a voice and one day, my voice will be loud enough to hear and my voice will carry...
Voices Carry
by 'Til Tuesday
In the dark, I'd like to read his mind
but I'm frightened of the things I might find
Oh, there must be something he's thinking of
to tear him away
when I tell him that I'm falling in love
why does he say
hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry
hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry
I try so hard not to get upset
because I know all the trouble I'll get
oh, he tells me tears are something to hide
and something to fear
and I try so hard to keep it inside
so no one can hear
hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry
hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry
hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry
He wants me
but only part of the time
He wants me
if he can keep me in line
hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry
hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry
hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry
hush hush, darling, she might overhear
oh, no-voices carry
he said shut up he said shut up
oh God can't you keep it down
At this time in my life very conscious of who I am I know that who I am doesn't matter All the chatter that goes on between As we talked around what we really mean Really makes me wonder At this time in my life (At this time in my life) A feeling I can't control is creeping up inside my soul and growing What is it all about Wouldn't knowing help me to work it out I can't be afraid of thunder At this time in my life (At this time in my life) (At this time in my life) (At this time in my life)
At this time in my life let me stop let me take control of myself and be me I can see me in a few years trying to see where reality has gone
I won't let it take me under At this time in my life I won't let it take me under At this time in my life
Still no word from Ashley and I just found out she is leaving Texas for a job. Maybe this will give her the space she needs to grow and figure out who she is before she can respond to me...I don't know. In the meantime, my heart breaks.
Breakeven (Falling to Pieces)
by The Script
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no
What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no
What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)
You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm try an make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no
What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)
I made it through the first 18 years of not knowing anything. I made it through the next 5 years of getting information and running across people she knew. I made it through the weird "cat and mouse" game that left me devastated and excited. I finally made it through sending contact directly from ME!! I made it through the rain, I kept my world protected, I made it through the rain, I kept my point of view, I made it through the rain...
I Made It Through The Rain
Barry Manilow
We dreamers have our ways
Of facing rainy days
And somehow we survive
We keep the feelings warm
Protect them from the storm
Until our time arrives
Then one day the sun appears
And we come shining through those lonely years
I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through
When friends are hard to find
And life seems so unkind
Sometimes you feel afraid
Just aim beyond the clouds
And rise above the crowds
And start your own parade
'Cause when I chased my fears away
That's when I knew that I could finally say
I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through
I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through
And made it through
I made it through
Right now this song describes what I am feeling this week...
Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me
Elton John
I can't light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I'm growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life
Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light
Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me
I can't find, oh the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel
Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal
Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me
Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me
Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me
This week has been an interesting one for sure. I'm not sure what has finally made me reach the breaking point where I no longer was willing to receive second hand information...and why did it take me so long? I don't expect a response anytime soon and I honestly don't know what to expect right now. All I know is that after all of these years of quietly, patiently waiting I actually reached out to Ashley, in blind faith...
A Different Corner
George Michael
I'd say love was a magical flame
I'd say love would keep us from pain
Had I been there, had I been there
I would promise you all of my life
But to lose you would cut like a knife
So I don't dare, no I don't dare
No I've never come close in all of these years
You are the only one to stop my tears
And I'm so scared, I'm so scared
Take me back in time maybe I can forget
Turn a different corner and we never would have met
Would you care
I don't understand it, for you it's a breeze
Little by little you've brought me to my knees
Don't you care
No I've never come close in all of these years
You are the only one to stop my tears
I'm so scared of this love
And if all that there is, is this fear of being used
Time after time I think of Ashley. Time after time I can only hope she knows I am right here waiting...
Time After Time
Cyndi Lauper
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
I think of you
caught up in circles
confusion is nothing new
Flashback warm nights
almost left behind
suitcase of memories,
time after--
sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said
Then you say go slow
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds
if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time
if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time
after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time
if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time
you said go slow
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds
if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time
if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time time after time time after time time after time
I loved this song when it came out!! Now this song has a different meaning for me...
Don't You Forget About Me
Simple Minds
Hey, hey, hey ,hey
Ohhh...
Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on
Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby
Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me
Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down
Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhh.....
Don't you try to pretend
It's my feeling we'll win in the end
I won't harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security
Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby
Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away
Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on - call my name
Will you call my name?
I absolutely adored Cyndi Lauper!! She inspired me to be "so unusual" and not be like anyone else. I thought Girls Just Want To Have Fun was an appropriate song for this week, maybe I'm still thrilled about the Girls Night Out we had.
Girls Just Want To Have Fun Cyndi Lauper
I come home in the morning light
My mother says when you gonna live your life right
Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones
And girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun
The phone rings in the middle of the night
My father yells what you gonna do with your life
Oh daddy dear you know you're still number one
But girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have -
That's all they really want
Some fun
When the working day is done
Girls - they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun
Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world
I want to be the one to walk in the sun
Oh girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have
That's all they really want
Some fun
When the working day is done
Girls - they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun,
They want to have fun,
They want to have fun....
I have always loved "The Cure". The song Pictures of You came on recently...I thought it was appropriate for the "Picture on my nightstand" blog...well most of the song at least.
Pictures of You
The Cure
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you that I almost believe that they're real I've been living so long with my pictures of you that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel
Remembering you standing quiet in the rain as I ran to your heart to be near And we kissed as the sky fell in holding you close how I always held close in your fear
Remembering you running soft through the night You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow Screamed at the make-believe screamed at the sky And you finally found all your courage to let it all go
Remembering you fallen into my arms Crying for the death of your heart You were stone white so delicate lost in the cold You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering you How you used to be so drowned you were Angels so much more than everything oh hold for the last time then slip away quietly Open my eyes but i never see anything
If only I had thought of the right words I couldhave held on to your heart If only I'd thought of the right words I wouldn't be breaking apart all my pictures of you
Looking so long at these pictures of you but Inever hold on to your heart Looking so long for the words to be true but always just breaking apart my pictures of you
There was nothing in the world that I everwanted more Than to feel you deep in my heart There was nothing in the world that I everwanted more Than to never feel the breaking apart My pictures of you
