Thursday, February 7, 2013

Picking Up The Pieces

I know it has been a while since I have written...sorry.

Since I have received the email from Ashley I have been trying to pick up the pieces of my broken shattered heart.  For so many years I held hope in my heart that one day we will be reunited.  Not only did I hold hope, but also love... unconditional love.  Love for her and love for the people she holds dear.

But last November all that came crashing down around me when I read her email...and re-read it...and ended up over analyzing it.

So I tried my best to crawl under a rock...and stay there!!

Unfortunately, it was too uncomfortable under that rock.

I tried to remain angry, but that didn't hang around long.  I wanted to be mad as hell, I wanted to lash out and I tried, but somewhere inside me came that annoying "forgiving and loving" reasonable voice.  I couldn't stay angry.  She was taught to not listen to heart, not pay attention to her gut feeling.

I wanted to take my size 5 shoe and smack everyone upside the head that had a part in keeping my First Daughter away from me, but I knew that wouldn't do any good.  It would ruin my shoe and cause more heart break.

I have tried to hardened my heart.  I keep telling myself that if she ever reached out I would just slam that door shut.  But, I know if she stood before me I would end up embracing her...

Right now I am just trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces once again, but it is hard.  They told me 24 years ago I wasn't good enough to raise my baby and now it has been thrown back in my I'm not good enough to get to know.

If only she would listen to her heart, then she would know I really was good enough and I still am worthy of getting to know...

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Things To Do: Scrapbooks!

The response was sent a couple of days ago...via email.  Now it's time to wait, again.

I'm not a patient person so I have to stay busy to keep myself from climbing the walls so I have created a list of things to do while impatiently waiting...

Things to do: Scrapbooks!  

I'm not talking just one, I'm talking 7 scrapbooks, each one just alike.  I started this little (more like overwhelmingly HUGE) project at the end of August.  These scrapbooks are actually Christmas presents (one of them is mine).  Back in 2009 my Mom, Aunt, Sister and I drove straight through to California to get my Uncle who my Mom and Aunt haven't seen since 1963.  His health was failing and we weren't going to let him be alone so we went out there to pack him up and bring him to Texas.

This road trip was certainly an adventure!  My Aunt handed me a journal and told me I had to write everything down.  Well, I didn't want to do it so I ended up writing about the off the wall how my sister and I were wearing matching PJ's while on the road and how we ended up in a field of prairie dogs, giant arrows that I threw myself in front of so it looked like my sister was stabbing me, giant fiberglass dinosaurs that my sister and I were underneath pretending like we were about to be eaten.  I even wrote about the Kamikaze Butterflies that were attacking the truck when we were on the highway.  I wrote about the crazy stuff and I had pictures that went with most of the entries.

We still laugh about some of the crazy things my sister and I did on this trip.  My half Uncle who had been packed up and thrown into a truck with 4 women for 3 days was certainly a good sport.  He passed away 7 months later and during those 7 months he talked about how the trip leaving his home of 35 years and coming to be with his sisters was the best trip ever.

So I thought it was a brilliant distraction for me to put everything together in a scrapbook, for each of us to have.  Why should I be the only one to have the journal and the pictures??

I drew the little picture for the front of the scrapbooks.  It is a little skull with sparkly eyes and a tiara.  The skull sits above a pair of panties and each pair of panties has a different saying (mines says "I miss the internet").  The words in the circle say "Pirate Princesses", that's what my sister and I kept calling ourselves.

When I started the scrapbooks I thought it was a good idea to put in a warning since there are some "colorful" words and references in the journal.  At least this way I can say they were warned!!

Yes, I did mention prairie dogs, small yap yap dogs, naked sheep and fiberglass dinosaurs in the warning.  I thought it was best to cover all of my bases.

Each journal entry was times!!  When I originally wrote the journal I used different colored ink for each entry, why use the same boring color for the adventures that were waiting for us??

Because I am a little OCD I had sharpies to match what I used in the journal.  I also "created" notebook paper out of card stock.  Hey, I want the scrapbook to last and I was trying to stay distracted!!

(that is the picture of me laying spread eagle in front of the arrow and my sister behind the staff pretending to stab me.)

I tried to match up all of the pictures with the journal entries.

The scrapbooks are just about done.  Thanks to this project I have been able to keep myself from obsessing over my email.

Thankfully my Aunt and a Cousin are coming in for Christmas so I don't have to ship these scrapbooks off...that would cost a fortune!!!  

So there you go...something to keep me from climbing the walls while waiting for Ashley to respond to my email.  And it is something that my family would love :-D