The What If's ARE Killing Me!!!

The what if's ARE killing me!!

I lost my daughter to adoption 24 years ago and I can't stand by quietly and allow it to keep us separated.

Yes, a friend of mine reached out to her when she was 18.  It freaked her out and I still feel guilty about that, but the silver lining...she knew about the MySpace I had once just for here.

She (and her friends) visited the MySpace page often before I had to shut it down.  Ashley once posted about reading my stories and she really liked them...and she really liked me!!

People she knew would cross my path over the years.  I'm not talking about one friend, I'm talking about several people!!  One of them use to be my HR Manager when I worked in Corporate America.  The HR Manager had told me about how open Ashley was about being adopted and then she would tell me the Adoptive Mom's reaction.  The Adoptive Mom would say mean, nasty things about Ashley's Birth Mother...Me.

I sent Ashley a message on facebook, no response.  I sent a follow up a couple of months later, no response.  I can deal with her saying "piss off" or "I'm not ready", but it is being ignored that is killing me!!  My personality is a little too big to be ignored, which is probably why my friends and family are shocked that I haven't done anything more.

Until yesterday...

I had decided I was going to send her a handwritten letter.  I got a hold of my girlfriend Jennifer who plays my devil's advocate when it comes to Ashley.  I wanted to use a legitimate search company online to provide me the mailing address for Ashley in California.  Jennifer told me to give her a couple of hours, she was going to check the databases she has subscriptions for.  So I waited...

Jennifer asked for a few more pieces of info.  I gave it to her along with the parents, their biological daughter's name and their address.  So again, I wait...

A couple of hours later I get a text from Jennifer to call her, so I did.

We decided it would be best to send a letter FedEx (with a paid return FedEx envelope) to Ashley's work.  Since everything leads to the Adoptive Parents home address it would be less "creepy" to send it to her work, if I were to send it to her home she will probably freak out since her Adoptive Parents have gone to great lengths to show that Ashley "still lives" in her childhood home.  Ashley's work info was super easy to locate, and the info is publicly available, so after the initial shock wears off then she would see how she got the letter at her work.

Jennifer found the Adoptive Dad on facebook.  I went through his very public page and found tons of pictures of Ashley, even her college graduation pictures.  I started to get concerned, everything was about Ashley.  To any unknown person it would look like she was a true Daddy's Girl, but to me it looks like she was a great piece of property he had purchased.  It made my stomach turn.  Is she some piece of property they own?  I wanted to hurl!!!

I have been told by the people who have crossed my path that Ashley and I were so much alike, right down to our speech and personality.  If this is true then I really am concerned.  If we are so much alike then how is she handling not being her true self?  Or have they been conditioning her since the "gotcha day" that they own her and any thoughts of being who she really is won't be allowed.  These thoughts made me sick.  I can't think about that right now...I need to focus on the letter.  That concern can be pushed aside until that bridge has been crossed.  No need to put the cart in front of the horse.

Jennifer also found the Adoptive Mom on facebook, her profile was somewhat private so there wasn't much info on Ashley to get.  I told Jennifer I wasn't going to focus on what the Adoptive Mom had said to me, I was going to go forward telling myself that she is afraid I will try to take her place...which I am not.  She raised Ashley, the title of Mom belongs to her.  Jennifer said the woman appears crazy, and not a fun crazy either.  Yes, from the things I have heard about the Adoptive Mom I am led to believe that something might be off with her.  I told Jennifer that before I ever crossed paths with HR Manager I held Ashley's parents in my heart.  I will still hold them in my heart, I will embrace them...because that's just how I am.  If the Adoptive Mom really is "off" then I will corner her and give her a big squishy hug.  If she is insecure then that is not my fault, I will be the bigger person.

Jennifer agrees with my gut feeling on all of this.  The Adoptive Parents are my roadblocks.  It is a huge possibility that the Adoptive Mom is placing ginormous "Jewish Mom" guilt trips on her.  I will proceed, I will go around the roadblocks.  I will not be the one to make Ashley feel guilty, I will not make her feel like she has to choose.  Ashley has a right to know her history, know where she came from, she has a right to know her true self.

No, guilt trips are not my style. 

After searching all of the social media and internet search engines I was able to get enough information for my next step.

What leaves me feeling sad is Ashley's Adoptive Parent's biological daughter.  It looks like she grew up in Ashley's shadow.  Almost like the parents view her as "not as good" as Ashley.  I hope I am wrong with this one, no one deserves to be compared to someone else.  Their daughter is her own person and she should be loved for who she is.

I can not think about the Adoptive Parents right now, or the sister, or anything else that will cloud my thoughts with sadness and heartache.  I will only focus on reaching out one more time, showing nothing but love, acceptance, understanding, and respect.

So now I must start writing out my draft letter...

It's A Freakishly Small World

I was hoping with it getting so close to Christmas that things wouldn't throw me off, I was hoping to survive Christmas like I always do...quietly wishing Ashley was with me during the holidays.  But it looks like this year that won't happen because it is a freakishly small world.

I have written before about my former HR Manager who knew Ashley and about seeing the yearbooks from 7th grade to her Senior year and scanning those pictures.  I don't know why fate brought us together, but it did.

There are two blogs whereI wrote about Ashley's friend coming to see me.  She put two and two together.  Needless to say, I was in complete shock when that happened.  After that Spring Break I never heard from that girl again, which is okay I suppose.  There was a reason we were brought together, but I am still not exactly sure...maybe it was so she could tell Ashley she had met me...maybe she was suppose to be there to support Ashley if she decided to make contact, reassure her her it was okay.  I don't know.  I was working in their neighborhood so chances were high that I would run into someone who knew Ashley.

I have also written about driving home from work one day and being behind the truck that belonged to Ashley's Adoptive Father, then pulling up so I could get a quick look then continue driving off.  I think that was a sign telling me someone was in the way of Ashley and I reconnecting.  I don't know.  I was close to their neighborhood so that was sure to happen, but why then after all of these years?  Anyways...

On Facebook I sent Ashley a message in August.  Told my kept daughter about Ashley.  Sent a follow up message on Facebook in October.  Still no word.  I don't know if she ever read them.  She might of deleted them, I don't know.  Not knowing is driving me up the wall!!

A little over a week ago I wrote about my husband dropping me off at work and seeing the car with the school dance tickets being advertised in the back window and the unrelated high school girl who walked in wearing a letter jacket from the High School Ashley went to.  I took it as fate slapping me in the face, because I was letting go just enough so I could survive the upcoming Holidays...my favorite Holiday...the Holiday I wished every year that Ashley could spend with me.  So that little cruel twist of fate left me asking why I was still being punished.

Yesterday I was fine, I was at work.  I didn't feel like curling my hair or put on any make-up.  I just wanted to hurry and be done with the day so I could get home and start getting ready for my family to invade my house this Saturday.  Until fate decided to step in again....

A new client came to me because of a Living Social deal my Salon/Spa had out there.  With the Living Socials I get people from all over the DFW area and some who live about 3 hours away...they come from all over, no biggie.  This girl had me cracking up, I knew we would get along just fine.  I noticed her address, she is from the same neighborhood has Ashley.  I asked her if she went to P***** High School, she said she did and graduated in '06.  For a brief second I think my heart stopped beating.  This time I asked her if she knew Ashley, after the first friend/client I wasn't going to be caught off guard...nope...I was finally open about Ashley after so many years of hiding that secret.  Adoption wasn't going to control me like that again!

To my surprise she knew her, they have known each other since Junior High.  She looked at me and asked if I were her sister, I told her to look again and then it clicked.  I didn't freak out like the last time.  This time I let the fear and excitement rush through me.  During my time with this client I was able to find the answers to the little questions about Ashley that I had wondered about for so many years.  She asked if it were okay if she told Ashley about meeting me, I told her it was her choice to tell her, not mine.  I did ask her to let her know her half sister knows about her now and she is not a secret in my part of the world.  The client told me it now makes since why Ashley didn't look Jewish, she knew she was adopted because Ashley had always been open about that, but know the client knows it is because I am not Jewish.  I told the client that Christmas and the month of July are always very hard on me because I never wanted to let Ashley go.  This girl pulled up her facebook and showed me pictures.  I didn't freak out, instead I was filled with this warmth.  How I wish Ashley would reach out!!  The client hugged me and told me Ashley and I were built the same, except she was taller.  Ashley is taller than me!  A wish I had since the moment I felt her first kick!!

From the brief time I spent with this girl I was able to find out Ashley and I look almost identical, we are built the same.  Even though she was extremely popular in school she was friends with everyone, not just her crowd.  She was quirky, very smart and talented.  She talks just as fast as me and is always laughing and smiling.  The apple apparently did not fall far from this tree.  This girl said she now believes that personalities are genetic...because Ashley and I are so much alike.

I was told that Ashley was probably scared to reach out to me.  She said "you never know what her parents said".  I understood this and this validated my fear.  It sounded as if the parents are the ones standing in the middle, preventing us from meeting.  I told the friend I understood this and baby steps can be taken, communicating on facebook at first is completely fine.  The last thing I want is for Ashley to get hurt.  The client had left, given me another hug and told me she would tell Ashley.

After the client left, I walked through the back towards the salon side.  One of my co-workers was getting her hair shampooed.  She asked if I was okay, I told her I felt a little nauseous and told her what had just happened.  She jumped up with a big smile on her face and said this was a sign.  I don't know if this was a sign, but I do hope this will give Ashley some reassurance, let her know I am here...no matter what.

After I got home I spoke with a Birth Mother friend of mine who lives close by to me and told her what happened.  She told me she now believes the parents are talking crap about me to keep Ashley away.  I agreed with her.  She told me Ashley would become resentful when she realizes what they said about me wasn't true.  I told her I know.  She reminded me that I was a better person and I told her if and when I ever come face to face with them I was going to give them a big, squishy hug and a kiss on the cheek.  My friend said that would make them uncomfortable and I told her I know, but that is the kind of person I am...I am a bigger person, I am a better person, and just because they may say nasty things about me doesn't mean I will stoop to that level.  I have a heart full of love, and because of my love for Ashley I will stand tall, with my head held high.

Sometimes...this world is just a little too small for my comfort!!

Why Am I Being Punished?

"The Salem Martyr"by Thomas Slatterwhite Noble, 1869

Why am I still being punished?  Why do I have to continue feeling pain?  Society keeps telling me I was selfless, when in reality I was taken advantage of.  I did everything I was told to do.  So why am I still so empty?

Yes, I was still a teenager, too young to realize that I had the strength to raise a child.  I was still being told what to do, I believed in those who told me this was best.  At the time I knew it was important for my child to have a mother AND a father, but I never knew the damage it would cause having my child removed from her roots, her heritage, her true self.

If this was a “noble”, “selfless” act then why am I still paying for this?  Does society not realize that when a child is lost to adoption it causes a great wound that can never be healed?  Who are these sick people who think they have the right to take a child away from its mother?

Yes, my First Daughter was given everything by the people who the State of Texas calls her parents.  She received a college education from a very exclusive private college.  These people still take care of her, provide for her, still tell her what to do and not do.  These people are treating this 23 year old human being like she is an object, a possession, a pet.  Are they doing this because they paid so much money for her?  Honestly, it doesn’t matter how much you sugar coat it, they paid a lot of money to an Agency for a white infant girl...they bought my daughter.

Why does Society still keep telling me I need to be grateful? 

 

Yes, I am grateful she was given every opportunity I could not provide.  I am not grateful that my own flesh and blood was raised to not think for herself and was raised to look down on her own heritage.  This child has no clue as to what she is capable of, she has no idea that this apple did not fall far from this tree.  It breaks my heart to know her wings have been clipped; she will never spread them and fly on her own.

I did what they told me to do; I drank their toxic kool-aid for the first 18 years.  In their eyes I was a “Good Birth Mother”…I was silent and hidden away like they told me to be.  They never expected me to reappear years later, with a fire in my eyes.  That primal maternal need to protect and love my child never went away because of some court document.  We bonded when she was in-utero and that bond was sealed the moment I held her.

So why am I still being punished?  Why do I keep getting slapped in the face with signs letting me know she is still out there?  Why won’t my wounds heal?  I try to let go, but something in the very depths of my being refuses to let me do that.

Losing my child to adoption has given me a life sentence.  A life feeling incomplete, a life of longing, a life loving a child who shares my genetic make-up…a life of not hearing her voice, seeing her smile, listening to her laughter…a life of never hearing her call me “Mom”.

All this because some wealthy woman who was trying so hard to get pregnant couldn’t conceive, she finally gave birth to her own child after she had my daughter in her arms.  This woman who treats my First Daughter has a pet and has convinced her that I am nothing but some piece of insignificant trash.  A woman’s need for a child caused me to lose my first born; a woman’s insecurity is keeping us separated.  

Because this woman had an urgent need for an infant has caused me to lose my daughter through manipulation and coercion and I am the one who was given a life sentence of pain, heartache and longing.   

Why must I still be punished?

Some Adopters make me nervous too

When people talk adoption around me it gets my attention.  What makes me uncomfortable is when the person gets excited for a couple for adopting.  It makes me cringe, all kinds of scenarios go through my mind.  When I meet Adoptive parents I tend to crawl back into myself, waiting for some nasty remark about how they are so much better than the First Mother.  I usually get a sick, uneasy feeling when I come across Adopters, but I know not all adoptive parents are the same...

Last July when I had to go testify for that Murder Trial that ended in a hung jury (retrial begins Nov. 14th) one of the witnesses was all excited, she said the reason the trial was postponed in June was so the Judge and his wife could adopt their newborn baby.  I remember feeling sick to my stomach...and not because I was about to go on the stand.  When the Judge swore me in I remember looking up at him with disgust.  What right does he have to sit on a bench and decide the fate of the accused when he participated in destroying a young woman's life by taking her baby.  After I was sworn in I couldn't look at his face.

A while back I posted about my HR Manager telling me she remembered Ashley's Adoptive Mom saying nasty things about me.  According to HR Manager Ashley was very vocal about being adopted, it seemed like she was excited about telling the world about it.  The Adopter had no problem telling everyone what she thought of me.  She would tell people I was trash, I was a worthless whore, she hoped I was dead, she wished I didn't exist, etc, etc, etc.  Now, I took what HR Manager said with a grain of salt, she has the tendency to exaggerate...A LOT!

When I was told this I did get upset, who wouldn't.  I had spent all of these years being positive about Ashley's Adoptive parents, my heart was filled with love for them, partly because of the adoption kool-aid and partly because it is my nature...to love.  What right did this woman have to publicly bash me when she had no clue as to who I am and the kind of person I am.  I have been kind and considerate of them all of these years and this is what I get in return?  I was angry.  HR Manager apologized to me for telling me this bit of information, I told her it was okay, I needed to know so I have an idea of what I will be dealing with.  This was the Adoptive Mother's insecurity, not mine.

I was very upset about this information.  How dare she say these things about me!  The rage I felt was unbelievable.  I told my friends in my "Super Secret Sisterhood", they were angry with me, except one.  This one friend was not a First Mother like us, she was an Adoptive Mother.  The love and understanding she had for us was the reason we brought her into the fold.  Mrs.Cali is an amazing woman.  She was upset about the nasty things Ashley's Adoptive Mother said about me, but she reminded me of something.

Mrs.Cali reminded me of how I carried these people in my heart, it didn't matter who they were, they were in my heart because they were caring for my Ashley.  She reminded me to not stoop to her level and I was the bigger person, and most important, she reminded me not all Adoptive Mothers are like that...and she was right!

***Mrs.Cali - I know you read this sometimes, you know who you are.  Thank you, thank you for everything, thank you for being my "Sista".

MotherHen, the one who gave me permission to contact Ashley, is another one I can bring into the fold.  I have known MotherHen since I was about 13 or 14 years old.  When we spoke about Ashley at Daddy's Memorial Service it took me off guard.  I was mourning the loss of a wonderful man and MotherHen was trying to let me know she was on my side.  MotherHen does not think highly of this Domestic/International Adoption that our society praises.  She can't comprehend why it is acceptable to remove a child from their mother and hand the child over to someone else who is "worthier".  There are so many children lost in our Foster Care system that deserve to be loved too, this is why she adopted a child she was Fostering.

She believes every child has the right to know who they are and where they come from and she's not talking about the adopted roots, she's talking about the biological roots!  Knowing MotherHen she has already researched her adopted daughters family so when her daughter turns 18 (after she graduates high school) she'll hand everything over.  MotherHen is the kind of person that will be her adopted daughter's biggest cheerleader when it comes to making contact

Why can't Ashley's Adoptive Mom be like Mrs.Cali or MotherHen?

In cyber world, there is an Adoptive Mom's blog I read, Rebecca at Love Is Not Pie, She doesn't make me nervous or give me that uneasy feeling.  One day I will venture out and read other Adoptive Mom blogs, but for right now, I can handle Rebecca's...and Malinda at adoptiontalk.

When I hear people talk about about Adoption I listen closely.  I am protective of other First Mothers, Adoptees, and the handful of extraordinary Adoptive Mothers.  As for the other Adopters...they make me nervous...

Roadblock

When I was pregnant I was told by the Adoption Counselor about these parents.  She carried on about how wonderful they were and how perfect they were for my unborn child.  I was told about how the PAM was the most infertile woman the Counselor had ever come across.  Back then these little comments gave me hope that Ashley would be loved and have the most wonderful childhood.  Now I realize these were tactics used to manipulate me.

After Ashley turned 18 and I was starting to gather information (yes, I'm an information gatherer).  Everything I was seeing showed that Ashley had everything her heart desired.  She was a cheerleader, was an honor student, had tons of friends and was getting ready to go to a very good private university.  It appeared she had the perfect wonderful life.  When I use to be on adoption .com an Adoptee commented on one of my posts, "she hit the adoptee lotto".

Ashley had gotten into a sorority, I'm guessing the same one her Adoptive Mother was in.  All responses I received from the agency rejecting any reunion were emails forwarded to me, signed by "Her Dad".  Okay, she's not 21 yet and the Agency's policy requires parental permission until the child reaches 21.  So I let that slide.

I would stumble across blogs written by Ashley.  Most of the postings made me smile.  A few had me a little confused.  She would talk about how she had this problem and she would go to her Dad to have him solve it for her.  My concern is; these problems were simple...a 5 year old could come up with their own conclusion.  I began to wonder if she was so sheltered that she never had to figure things out on her own, someone always did it for her.  I understand getting advice or getting a different perspective on things, but I can't understand allowing someone else to actually solve your problems for you.  Again, I let it slide.

In the few references she made about contacting me she always said her boyfriend was going to do it for her, her boyfriend would write the letter, her boyfriend would include pictures, her boyfriend would send this little package to me...her boyfriend.  It was never "I", it was always "her boyfriend".  Even the MySpace profile I had, after I had to lock it down it was her boyfriend who friended me (using a fake name) so he could get access to the little stories I wrote.  She always had someone else doing this for her.  I'm guessing it is because she could honestly say she wasn't the one looking this up.  At the time I thought this was how she felt comfortable...so I let it slide.

Ashley's boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) had an open social media profile.  Sometimes I would check it.  Ashley had posted a question asking the boyfriend what should she do.  It was odd...it was another simple solution she could have figured out on her own.  I'm starting to wonder if she can solve simple problems on her own.  I let it slide.

My former HR Manager brought in her daughter's yearbooks, she let me scan the pictures of Ashley.  In the back of the Senior yearbook were ads that parents put in for their graduating children.  The ads were 1/4 - 1/2 page ads and they were predominantly sweet and funny.  I came across a full page ad, there was a picture of Ashley when she was a baby, another picture of her with a friend on a boat when she was about 6 or 7 years old and two cheerleading pictures.  I loved the pictures, but it was the message that I thought was strange.

(I rubbed out the obvious names...in case you couldn't figure that out)

Am I reading the message wrong?

"You made us a family"...this I understand, but to me it sounds like a guilt trip.

"You should never forget the special story"...okay, it's their story about how she came to them.  (I am curious about what she was told, but in time I know I will find out.)  This also sounded like another guilt trip.

"You became a great big sis"...the adoptive parents finally conceived and gave birth to their very first biological child.  This I already knew and I was always so happy for them and I had hoped that the Adoptive Mother would know how much I love Ashley.  Were they reminding her this was the only sister she would ever have?

"You made the house a delight with your friends"...I was glad to see that she was fun and had fun friends.

"Your achievements made all of us proud"...well of course, who wouldn't be proud?  I was very proud and I was kept out of her life.   Was this another guilt trip?  Reminding her of what they did for her?

"You will feel our love forever as we do yours"...WHOA!  Hold the phone!  I thought this was a little weird.  Are they trying to say that only they can love her?  This sounded a little controlling to me and why on earth would you put that in a High School yearbook?  It's normal for people to assume the parents love their children, was it necessary to put it in an ad for her Senior yearbook for everyone to see?

"YOU ARE ***** ********* *****"...seriously, was it necessary to scream out her name?  Was she doubting this name?  Was she questioning who she was and the family had to keep drilling in her head that she belonged to them?  I'm sure she knows what her legal name is and actually, I like the name they gave her!!  Were they concerned she would find out what her birth name was and start using that?  Seriously, the girl knows her name I don't see the need in screaming it out in a full page ad in a High School yearbook.

This ad did not sit well with me.  It found it to be very bizarre and unnecessary when compared to the other ads.  It was like some competition and Ashley's family wanted to make sure that everyone who went through that yearbook for years to come saw that ad!  To me it looked like a sick, twisted reminder that they own her.  My HR Manager thought it was really weird too.  She told me about the things the Adoptive Mother had said about me...you name it, she said it.  I let those comments roll off of me, they don't know me and they are feeling insecure and hopefully one day they will realize that I can not step in and be Mom because Ashley already has a Mom who deserves that title more than me.  So I let the yearbook and the comments made about me slide off.

Last week I was wanting to reach out to Ashley, this need was overpowering.  Sure, I have always wanted to reach out to her, but this time I had this strange sense of urgency.  So, I was weighing out my options.  If I'm going to reach out I want to do it in a way that will not cause anyone to feel threatened or freak anyone out.  I don't want Ashley's Adoptive Mom to feel insecure, I can not or will not try to take her place.  I just want to get to know Ashley!  A client at the salon/spa I work at is a Private Investigator.  I asked her how much would it cost to get a mailing address, just a mailing address, nothing more.  The Investigator told me to email the info to her and she will see what she can find.  So I did and I explained a little bit to her about the situation.  She checked, kept sending me emails wanting to clarify what she was finding.  By Friday she sent me an email telling me everything was pointing to the adoptive parents, she can tell Ashley lives about 300 miles south, but EVERYTHING has the parents names and address on it.  She said it looked like they were maintaining control of her by taking care of everything financially.

The last couple of years I had this feeling that the reason Ashley didn't want to make contact was out of fear that her Adoptive family would cut her off financially.  Last month when I was driving and I ended up behind the truck that belonged to the Adoptive Dad I was wondering what this could mean.  Now I think I know...it was a reminder that they stood in the way of me and Ashley getting to know one another.  I am starting to believe that Ashley is just a possession to them, I really do hope I am wrong!!

So here I am today.  There is a roadblock in front of me.  As I have mentioned before, I am a stubborn, inquisitive little thing and if I feel in my heart that it is important for me to proceed I will...with caution if need be.  So here is this roadblock and I need to figure out the best way to proceed.  

I can just stand there staring at the roadblock and throw my hands up in the air, but that is so not like me.  

I can go around the roadblock by reaching out to Ashley's friend (who I don't think would be completely honest with me) or even reaching out to the now ex-boyfriend (the one who was suppose to be handling contact with me for Ashley).  

I could jump over the roadblock and proceed with making direct contact, but if the Adoptive parents are still controlling this 23 year old who graduated college over a year ago then I would think it would be safe to guess that they are monitoring her mail and all forms of electronic communications.  

I could just blow right through that roadblock by reaching out to the Adoptive Mother.  I know this is a bad idea and would make the situation worse, but that would be her own insecurity and not mine...I have always been willing to embrace the Adoptive Mother and I have always carried her in my heart too!

So now to decide the best way to handle this roadblock that is before me...

Is this some kind of sign??

They say curiosity killed the cat...well, curiosity is driving me up the wall like there is no tomorrow!!

Back in 2006 I received tons of info about my First Daughter and her adoptive family.  I knew the neighborhood she grew up in...it wasn't too far from where I grew up.  She even went to school in the same school district as me and my mother!! 

Okay, so now you get the idea how close to one another we have always been.

Driving down the major roads close to my First Daughter's neighborhood has been something I have always done, even before I knew she was living there.  After I found out where she lived I was a little nervous about driving the roads have taken for years until one day I decided that was silly of me.  I never drove down her street and I never went to see her house...so why should I stop taking the roads I had been driving down since 1986?

Okay, so now you know I have always respected the invisible boundaries.

Yesterday I was driving home, going my normal predictable way.  I end up behind this brand new truck.  I look at the back window for some weird reason and my eyes 'bout popped out of my head and my mouth dropped open.  In the back window was this big company sticker for this construction company.  I couldn't believe it!!  My heart almost jumped out of my chest.  I know I must have crossed paths with my First Daughter in the past and not even realized it, but for the first time in almost 23 years here it was right in front me screaming "Look at me!  Look at me!"

Guessing it was the Adoptive Dad I became really curious.  I was told by a friend of my First Daughter's that we look just alike (except for our chin and eye color) and had the same profile, so I knew I had to be quick about this. I got into the left lane and sped up a little bit, I stayed there just long enough to see who was driving out of the corner of my eye.  To my surprise it looked like it was the Adoptive Mom.  She looked to be about my size and she looked too tiny to be driving such a big truck!!  (I guess this is the reaction I get from people when I drive my husband's full size pick up truck.)  I get my quick peek and I speed up, she suddenly gets behind me and turns left into a Staples parking lot, for a brief second I thought about turning around, but I didn't.

I couldn't believe what just happened so I tried to call my sister to tell her (I had to call someone so I wouldn't turn around) my sister never picked up.  I pulled into a parking lot...across the street from the hospital I delivered her in...and called my Mom.  My Mom couldn't believe it, she said is was God's plan.  I kept asking her what that was suppose to mean and she told me we weren't supposed to know, but she thinks something is going to happen.  Mom did ask if I turned around to follow her and I told her I thought about it and didn't.  She asked why I didn't and I told her I had a huge pimple on my face!!  My Mom laughed and said "Thank God for vanity".  After I got off the phone with Mom I sent a text to all of my friends to let them know, I figured that was the quickest way for me to spread this crazy news.

Later last night I pulled up the website for the construction company.  They apparently moved their location recently and they opened a second location.  I know this is "whatever" information, but it was the second location that made my mouth drop open again!!  The second location is about 15 minutes from my Mom's property out in the country!!  Again I called Mom, told her what I found, she told me that was really interesting and she started to laugh.  I asked her what was so funny.  She asked if I remembered that tornado that went through her property a couple of months ago that tore up some of her barns, I told her I did.  She said my Stepdaddy went to that company to drop off all the torn up metal for them to recycle.  I couldn't believe it!!  I asked her if Stepdaddy remembered who he talked to, she asked and he couldn't remember.  This was getting crazy!!  Mom laughed again and told me it was God's plan, this was suppose to happen.

What is all of this suppose to mean?  My First Daughter's birthday is 15 days away, I know this murder trial I have to be a witness for is happening the week of her birthday, I believe it's to keep me distracted.  Why on earth would I be driving behind the Adoptive Mom now?  Why would they open a second location out in this little country town where my Mom and Stepdaddy live?  Why would my Stepdaddy feel the need to take the torn up metal there?  Does anyone have a clue as to what all of this means???

I'm kind of curious to see what the next 15 days might bring!!