Thursday, October 13, 2011

Some Adopters make me nervous too

When people talk adoption around me it gets my attention.  What makes me uncomfortable is when the person gets excited for a couple for adopting.  It makes me cringe, all kinds of scenarios go through my mind.  When I meet Adoptive parents I tend to crawl back into myself, waiting for some nasty remark about how they are so much better than the First Mother.  I usually get a sick, uneasy feeling when I come across Adopters, but I know not all adoptive parents are the same...

Last July when I had to go testify for that Murder Trial that ended in a hung jury (retrial begins Nov. 14th) one of the witnesses was all excited, she said the reason the trial was postponed in June was so the Judge and his wife could adopt their newborn baby.  I remember feeling sick to my stomach...and not because I was about to go on the stand.  When the Judge swore me in I remember looking up at him with disgust.  What right does he have to sit on a bench and decide the fate of the accused when he participated in destroying a young woman's life by taking her baby.  After I was sworn in I couldn't look at his face.

A while back I posted about my HR Manager telling me she remembered Ashley's Adoptive Mom saying nasty things about me.  According to HR Manager Ashley was very vocal about being adopted, it seemed like she was excited about telling the world about it.  The Adopter had no problem telling everyone what she thought of me.  She would tell people I was trash, I was a worthless whore, she hoped I was dead, she wished I didn't exist, etc, etc, etc.  Now, I took what HR Manager said with a grain of salt, she has the tendency to exaggerate...A LOT!

When I was told this I did get upset, who wouldn't.  I had spent all of these years being positive about Ashley's Adoptive parents, my heart was filled with love for them, partly because of the adoption kool-aid and partly because it is my love.  What right did this woman have to publicly bash me when she had no clue as to who I am and the kind of person I am.  I have been kind and considerate of them all of these years and this is what I get in return?  I was angry.  HR Manager apologized to me for telling me this bit of information, I told her it was okay, I needed to know so I have an idea of what I will be dealing with.  This was the Adoptive Mother's insecurity, not mine.

I was very upset about this information.  How dare she say these things about me!  The rage I felt was unbelievable.  I told my friends in my "Super Secret Sisterhood", they were angry with me, except one.  This one friend was not a First Mother like us, she was an Adoptive Mother.  The love and understanding she had for us was the reason we brought her into the fold.  Mrs.Cali is an amazing woman.  She was upset about the nasty things Ashley's Adoptive Mother said about me, but she reminded me of something.

Mrs.Cali reminded me of how I carried these people in my heart, it didn't matter who they were, they were in my heart because they were caring for my Ashley.  She reminded me to not stoop to her level and I was the bigger person, and most important, she reminded me not all Adoptive Mothers are like that...and she was right!

***Mrs.Cali - I know you read this sometimes, you know who you are.  Thank you, thank you for everything, thank you for being my "Sista".

MotherHen, the one who gave me permission to contact Ashley, is another one I can bring into the fold.  I have known MotherHen since I was about 13 or 14 years old.  When we spoke about Ashley at Daddy's Memorial Service it took me off guard.  I was mourning the loss of a wonderful man and MotherHen was trying to let me know she was on my side.  MotherHen does not think highly of this Domestic/International Adoption that our society praises.  She can't comprehend why it is acceptable to remove a child from their mother and hand the child over to someone else who is "worthier".  There are so many children lost in our Foster Care system that deserve to be loved too, this is why she adopted a child she was Fostering.

She believes every child has the right to know who they are and where they come from and she's not talking about the adopted roots, she's talking about the biological roots!  Knowing MotherHen she has already researched her adopted daughters family so when her daughter turns 18 (after she graduates high school) she'll hand everything over.  MotherHen is the kind of person that will be her adopted daughter's biggest cheerleader when it comes to making contact

Why can't Ashley's Adoptive Mom be like Mrs.Cali or MotherHen?

In cyber world, there is an Adoptive Mom's blog I read, Rebecca at Love Is Not Pie, She doesn't make me nervous or give me that uneasy feeling.  One day I will venture out and read other Adoptive Mom blogs, but for right now, I can handle Rebecca's...and Malinda at adoptiontalk.

When I hear people talk about about Adoption I listen closely.  I am protective of other First Mothers, Adoptees, and the handful of extraordinary Adoptive Mothers.  As for the other Adopters...they make me nervous...


Suz said...

LOL. Seems like you and I were on the same wavelength with our recent posts.

In Blind Faith said...

I know! Must be something in the air.