Someone Is Trying To Tell Me Something - Part I

For several years after I left the hospital with empty arms in 1988 I would wake up suddenly, swearing I heard a baby crying.  The first year or so it was constant, but as time went on it would happen less and less.  I am a heavy sleeper, my alarm clock barely wakes me up.  So I could never understand why the sound of a baby crying, later a small child, would wake me up...especially when there were never any small children around. 

• Maybe, just maybe, it was a mother's intuition.  I will never know the answer to this mystery.

In 1989 I worked for this lady making hairbows.  There were about 10 of us who worked there.  I started working there when Ashley was about 7 months old, I was already starting down a path of self-destruction.  The owner was Jewish, I kept asking her questions about her faith.  The lady finally asked me one day why I was so curious, so I told her about Ashley.  Before I told her about Ashley she would talk about her family and about this precious new baby that came into her family, after I told her she acted different, she wouldn't talk about her family around me, she started to look like the "cat at that the canary", and she started to "mother" me.  The owner was a fun and sweet woman, I really liked her.  Unfortunately, I was starting down my self destructive path.  I wish we could have met during a better time in my life.

• 19 years later I started getting a very strong feeling about the sweet Jewish woman I use to work for, making hair bows.  Something inside me was screaming...she's Ashley's adopted Aunt!!!  (If Ashley and I ever get acquainted I'll have to ask her if she has an Aunt who use to own a place making hairbows)

In 1990 the Adoption "Counselor" wanted to meet with me.  Not sure why, but looking back I'm sure it was to keep force feeding me the Kool Aid.  The "Counselor" told me she was at Target a couple of weekends before and she saw this child.  She saw the child smile and and noticed her eyes.  The child was Ashley, there was no doubt in her mind, then seeing the parents confirmed it.  The "Counselor" almost slipped, she was about to say Ashley's adopted name...she managed to get out the sound of the first two letters before she caught herself.  That's okay, the sound could only be one of two names.  I pretended like I didn't hear it, so she went on to tell me how this child looked so much like me, she said it was like looking at a miniature version of me, except the hair and eye color were different from mine, but she had that same smile and light in her eyes like mine. 

• I was angry when I left there.  I knew the neighborhood where the "Counselor" lived, I knew which Target she was talking about.  She told me these people didn't live anywhere near me, there was no way Ashley and I would ever cross paths.  She lied to me, but I know knew Ashley's adopted name could be one of two names...there is a third name that it could also be, but that was doubtful, I never heard of a Jewish girl having that third name.  In 2006 my guess was correct, her name was one of the two names I figured it would be!

From 1990 - 1992 I use to work at Mervyn's located at Prestonwood Mall, I started out in the Children's Department then eventually was put on the newly formed "Operations Impact Team".  Since losing Ashley I always stayed away from small children and babies, especially if they were girls who were about Ashley's age.  One day in 1992 I was marking items down in the Children's Department.  The store was going through a remodel so everything was a bit chaotic.  I had my clipboard in hand, with my red pen and inventory scanning gun strapped to my hip.  There was a woman trying to find a certain size in something, she had a girl who about 4 years old and a little one in a stroller.  I was drawn to this 4 year old, I don't know why since I avoided children like the plague.  I helped the woman locate whatever it was she was looking for, but I could not keep my eyes off of the child.  I remember being filled with love when I looked at her.  It freaked me out, I clocked out and ran to my car and cried. 

• I never understood what the hell happened that day.  I never felt that kind of connection and love that strong until I had my second daughter.  Was that 4 year old Ashley, her Adopted Mother and her adopted parents natural child?  Could be.  In 2006 I found out Ashley lived close to that mall and her adopted parents had their first and only natural child when Ashley was about 3 or 4...so the ages of the children added up.

1995 I moved to San Antonio.  I lived there for 13 months.  I was absolutely miserable!!  All I wanted to do was move back home.  It could be the slow pace of San Antonio, at the time it was a little too slow for a North Dallas Native, or it could be my family was still in the North Dallas area.  All I knew was I had to get back to Dallas, so in 1996 I moved back.

• At the time I couldn't explain what was pulling me back to Dallas.  After I found out where Ashley grew up I realized that had to be it.  We ended up moving about 5 miles from her neighborhood.  I had always lived within 10 miles of her neighborhood.

1999 I had my second daughter, Ashley was 11 at the time.

• Ashley's neighborhood was about two miles (if that) down the road from the hospital where I gave birth to my second child.

2004 I went to a Walmart one Saturday morning that was closer to the area where I later found out Ashley lived.  (The walmart closer to me was scary)  I parked and walked through the parking lot.  I saw a small dark SUV parked and in the back window was a High School Cheerleader sticker with a name on it.  The name was one of the two names I was guessing to be Ashley's.  I stood there and stared for some reason...Ashley didn't cross my mind at the time.  I found myself making sure my shirt was straightened and my hair wasn't going crazy, then I went in.  When I walked back to my car I noticed the small SUV was gone, not sure what it was, but something was telling me that WAS Ashley.

• In 2006 I found out Ashley was a cheerleader and went to the high school named on that sticker.  Shortly after receiving that information I did stumble across a picture (that was posted for the public to see).  The picture was Ashley and a small dark SUV...the same SUV I saw two years before.

2005 a junior high friend of mine was having a baby.  There was a baby shower at her parents home.  Her parents no longer lived in the neighborhood where we grew up, they moved across town into this hoity toity neighborhood.  I had the directions I was following.  For some reason I took a left too soon, ended up in a cul-de-sac.  After driving through the neighborhood for a few minutes I was finally back on track.

• In 2006 I received the information on Ashley and her adoptive family.  I looked up the address, the neighborhood looked familiar.  I called up my junior high friend and told her she wasn't going to believe this.  I asked her if she remembered me telling her about how I got lost in her parents neighborhood.  The cul-de-sac I turned around in was Ashley's.  Since then I refused to go to my friend's parents house, I didn't want to run the risk of Ashley's adoptive family accusing me of being up to no good.

It wasn't until I began my search in July of 2006 that these strange little things were starting to make sense.  Most of these little things would have been forgotten, they are normal everyday run-ins...not worth being filed away in my memory.   But for some reason the dots were quickly being connected when a wonderful Search Angel provided me with the information on Ashley, my First Daughter lost to adoption...

Someone, or something, has been trying to tell me something all of these years.

It's A Freakishly Small World

I was hoping with it getting so close to Christmas that things wouldn't throw me off, I was hoping to survive Christmas like I always do...quietly wishing Ashley was with me during the holidays.  But it looks like this year that won't happen because it is a freakishly small world.

I have written before about my former HR Manager who knew Ashley and about seeing the yearbooks from 7th grade to her Senior year and scanning those pictures.  I don't know why fate brought us together, but it did.

There are two blogs whereI wrote about Ashley's friend coming to see me.  She put two and two together.  Needless to say, I was in complete shock when that happened.  After that Spring Break I never heard from that girl again, which is okay I suppose.  There was a reason we were brought together, but I am still not exactly sure...maybe it was so she could tell Ashley she had met me...maybe she was suppose to be there to support Ashley if she decided to make contact, reassure her her it was okay.  I don't know.  I was working in their neighborhood so chances were high that I would run into someone who knew Ashley.

I have also written about driving home from work one day and being behind the truck that belonged to Ashley's Adoptive Father, then pulling up so I could get a quick look then continue driving off.  I think that was a sign telling me someone was in the way of Ashley and I reconnecting.  I don't know.  I was close to their neighborhood so that was sure to happen, but why then after all of these years?  Anyways...

On Facebook I sent Ashley a message in August.  Told my kept daughter about Ashley.  Sent a follow up message on Facebook in October.  Still no word.  I don't know if she ever read them.  She might of deleted them, I don't know.  Not knowing is driving me up the wall!!

A little over a week ago I wrote about my husband dropping me off at work and seeing the car with the school dance tickets being advertised in the back window and the unrelated high school girl who walked in wearing a letter jacket from the High School Ashley went to.  I took it as fate slapping me in the face, because I was letting go just enough so I could survive the upcoming Holidays...my favorite Holiday...the Holiday I wished every year that Ashley could spend with me.  So that little cruel twist of fate left me asking why I was still being punished.

Yesterday I was fine, I was at work.  I didn't feel like curling my hair or put on any make-up.  I just wanted to hurry and be done with the day so I could get home and start getting ready for my family to invade my house this Saturday.  Until fate decided to step in again....

A new client came to me because of a Living Social deal my Salon/Spa had out there.  With the Living Socials I get people from all over the DFW area and some who live about 3 hours away...they come from all over, no biggie.  This girl had me cracking up, I knew we would get along just fine.  I noticed her address, she is from the same neighborhood has Ashley.  I asked her if she went to P***** High School, she said she did and graduated in '06.  For a brief second I think my heart stopped beating.  This time I asked her if she knew Ashley, after the first friend/client I wasn't going to be caught off guard...nope...I was finally open about Ashley after so many years of hiding that secret.  Adoption wasn't going to control me like that again!

To my surprise she knew her, they have known each other since Junior High.  She looked at me and asked if I were her sister, I told her to look again and then it clicked.  I didn't freak out like the last time.  This time I let the fear and excitement rush through me.  During my time with this client I was able to find the answers to the little questions about Ashley that I had wondered about for so many years.  She asked if it were okay if she told Ashley about meeting me, I told her it was her choice to tell her, not mine.  I did ask her to let her know her half sister knows about her now and she is not a secret in my part of the world.  The client told me it now makes since why Ashley didn't look Jewish, she knew she was adopted because Ashley had always been open about that, but know the client knows it is because I am not Jewish.  I told the client that Christmas and the month of July are always very hard on me because I never wanted to let Ashley go.  This girl pulled up her facebook and showed me pictures.  I didn't freak out, instead I was filled with this warmth.  How I wish Ashley would reach out!!  The client hugged me and told me Ashley and I were built the same, except she was taller.  Ashley is taller than me!  A wish I had since the moment I felt her first kick!!

From the brief time I spent with this girl I was able to find out Ashley and I look almost identical, we are built the same.  Even though she was extremely popular in school she was friends with everyone, not just her crowd.  She was quirky, very smart and talented.  She talks just as fast as me and is always laughing and smiling.  The apple apparently did not fall far from this tree.  This girl said she now believes that personalities are genetic...because Ashley and I are so much alike.

I was told that Ashley was probably scared to reach out to me.  She said "you never know what her parents said".  I understood this and this validated my fear.  It sounded as if the parents are the ones standing in the middle, preventing us from meeting.  I told the friend I understood this and baby steps can be taken, communicating on facebook at first is completely fine.  The last thing I want is for Ashley to get hurt.  The client had left, given me another hug and told me she would tell Ashley.

After the client left, I walked through the back towards the salon side.  One of my co-workers was getting her hair shampooed.  She asked if I was okay, I told her I felt a little nauseous and told her what had just happened.  She jumped up with a big smile on her face and said this was a sign.  I don't know if this was a sign, but I do hope this will give Ashley some reassurance, let her know I am here...no matter what.

After I got home I spoke with a Birth Mother friend of mine who lives close by to me and told her what happened.  She told me she now believes the parents are talking crap about me to keep Ashley away.  I agreed with her.  She told me Ashley would become resentful when she realizes what they said about me wasn't true.  I told her I know.  She reminded me that I was a better person and I told her if and when I ever come face to face with them I was going to give them a big, squishy hug and a kiss on the cheek.  My friend said that would make them uncomfortable and I told her I know, but that is the kind of person I am...I am a bigger person, I am a better person, and just because they may say nasty things about me doesn't mean I will stoop to that level.  I have a heart full of love, and because of my love for Ashley I will stand tall, with my head held high.

Sometimes...this world is just a little too small for my comfort!!

Is this some kind of sign??

They say curiosity killed the cat...well, curiosity is driving me up the wall like there is no tomorrow!!

Back in 2006 I received tons of info about my First Daughter and her adoptive family.  I knew the neighborhood she grew up in...it wasn't too far from where I grew up.  She even went to school in the same school district as me and my mother!! 

Okay, so now you get the idea how close to one another we have always been.

Driving down the major roads close to my First Daughter's neighborhood has been something I have always done, even before I knew she was living there.  After I found out where she lived I was a little nervous about driving the roads have taken for years until one day I decided that was silly of me.  I never drove down her street and I never went to see her house...so why should I stop taking the roads I had been driving down since 1986?

Okay, so now you know I have always respected the invisible boundaries.

Yesterday I was driving home, going my normal predictable way.  I end up behind this brand new truck.  I look at the back window for some weird reason and my eyes 'bout popped out of my head and my mouth dropped open.  In the back window was this big company sticker for this construction company.  I couldn't believe it!!  My heart almost jumped out of my chest.  I know I must have crossed paths with my First Daughter in the past and not even realized it, but for the first time in almost 23 years here it was right in front me screaming "Look at me!  Look at me!"

Guessing it was the Adoptive Dad I became really curious.  I was told by a friend of my First Daughter's that we look just alike (except for our chin and eye color) and had the same profile, so I knew I had to be quick about this. I got into the left lane and sped up a little bit, I stayed there just long enough to see who was driving out of the corner of my eye.  To my surprise it looked like it was the Adoptive Mom.  She looked to be about my size and she looked too tiny to be driving such a big truck!!  (I guess this is the reaction I get from people when I drive my husband's full size pick up truck.)  I get my quick peek and I speed up, she suddenly gets behind me and turns left into a Staples parking lot, for a brief second I thought about turning around, but I didn't.

I couldn't believe what just happened so I tried to call my sister to tell her (I had to call someone so I wouldn't turn around) my sister never picked up.  I pulled into a parking lot...across the street from the hospital I delivered her in...and called my Mom.  My Mom couldn't believe it, she said is was God's plan.  I kept asking her what that was suppose to mean and she told me we weren't supposed to know, but she thinks something is going to happen.  Mom did ask if I turned around to follow her and I told her I thought about it and didn't.  She asked why I didn't and I told her I had a huge pimple on my face!!  My Mom laughed and said "Thank God for vanity".  After I got off the phone with Mom I sent a text to all of my friends to let them know, I figured that was the quickest way for me to spread this crazy news.

Later last night I pulled up the website for the construction company.  They apparently moved their location recently and they opened a second location.  I know this is "whatever" information, but it was the second location that made my mouth drop open again!!  The second location is about 15 minutes from my Mom's property out in the country!!  Again I called Mom, told her what I found, she told me that was really interesting and she started to laugh.  I asked her what was so funny.  She asked if I remembered that tornado that went through her property a couple of months ago that tore up some of her barns, I told her I did.  She said my Stepdaddy went to that company to drop off all the torn up metal for them to recycle.  I couldn't believe it!!  I asked her if Stepdaddy remembered who he talked to, she asked and he couldn't remember.  This was getting crazy!!  Mom laughed again and told me it was God's plan, this was suppose to happen.

What is all of this suppose to mean?  My First Daughter's birthday is 15 days away, I know this murder trial I have to be a witness for is happening the week of her birthday, I believe it's to keep me distracted.  Why on earth would I be driving behind the Adoptive Mom now?  Why would they open a second location out in this little country town where my Mom and Stepdaddy live?  Why would my Stepdaddy feel the need to take the torn up metal there?  Does anyone have a clue as to what all of this means???

I'm kind of curious to see what the next 15 days might bring!!