Things To Do: Scrapbooks!

The response was sent a couple of days ago...via email.  Now it's time to wait, again.

I'm not a patient person so I have to stay busy to keep myself from climbing the walls so I have created a list of things to do while impatiently waiting...


Things to do: Scrapbooks!  

I'm not talking just one, I'm talking 7 scrapbooks, each one just alike.  I started this little (more like overwhelmingly HUGE) project at the end of August.  These scrapbooks are actually Christmas presents (one of them is mine).  Back in 2009 my Mom, Aunt, Sister and I drove straight through to California to get my Uncle who my Mom and Aunt haven't seen since 1963.  His health was failing and we weren't going to let him be alone so we went out there to pack him up and bring him to Texas.

This road trip was certainly an adventure!  My Aunt handed me a journal and told me I had to write everything down.  Well, I didn't want to do it so I ended up writing about the off the wall stuff...like how my sister and I were wearing matching PJ's while on the road and how we ended up in a field of prairie dogs, giant arrows that I threw myself in front of so it looked like my sister was stabbing me, giant fiberglass dinosaurs that my sister and I were underneath pretending like we were about to be eaten.  I even wrote about the Kamikaze Butterflies that were attacking the truck when we were on the highway.  I wrote about the crazy stuff and I had pictures that went with most of the entries.

We still laugh about some of the crazy things my sister and I did on this trip.  My half Uncle who had been packed up and thrown into a truck with 4 women for 3 days was certainly a good sport.  He passed away 7 months later and during those 7 months he talked about how the trip leaving his home of 35 years and coming to be with his sisters was the best trip ever.

So I thought it was a brilliant distraction for me to put everything together in a scrapbook, for each of us to have.  Why should I be the only one to have the journal and the pictures??

I drew the little picture for the front of the scrapbooks.  It is a little skull with sparkly eyes and a tiara.  The skull sits above a pair of panties and each pair of panties has a different saying (mines says "I miss the internet").  The words in the circle say "Pirate Princesses", that's what my sister and I kept calling ourselves.

When I started the scrapbooks I thought it was a good idea to put in a warning since there are some "colorful" words and references in the journal.  At least this way I can say they were warned!!

Yes, I did mention prairie dogs, small yap yap dogs, naked sheep and fiberglass dinosaurs in the warning.  I thought it was best to cover all of my bases.

Each journal entry was re-written...seven times!!  When I originally wrote the journal I used different colored ink for each entry, why use the same boring color for the adventures that were waiting for us??

Because I am a little OCD I had sharpies to match what I used in the journal.  I also "created" notebook paper out of card stock.  Hey, I want the scrapbook to last and I was trying to stay distracted!!

(that is the picture of me laying spread eagle in front of the arrow and my sister behind the staff pretending to stab me.)

I tried to match up all of the pictures with the journal entries.

The scrapbooks are just about done.  Thanks to this project I have been able to keep myself from obsessing over my email.

Thankfully my Aunt and a Cousin are coming in for Christmas so I don't have to ship these scrapbooks off...that would cost a fortune!!!  

So there you go...something to keep me from climbing the walls while waiting for Ashley to respond to my email.  And it is something that my family would love :-D

I Got An Email!!!

I am so FREAKING excited....and nervous, scared, thrilled...just about every emotion is running through me!!

Yesterday morning I was checking my email and there was an email that caught my attention.  I started shaking and tears started running down my face and I was so scared I was felling nauseous.

Could it be?

Can it really be what I think it is?

I open up the email and OMG!  Butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I just received an email from Ashley!!

I read the email a couple of times, was I dreaming this?  Nope, it's real.

I sent a text to a friend who helped me with the video to let her know and then I called my Mom.  Mom kept saying "read it!  read it!"  I told Mom I wanted to throw up, so Mom kept telling me to breathe, it was going to be okay.  So I read her the email. 

My head was spinning.

In the email she thanked me, thanked me for the video, thanked me for the package.  She said the video had answered some questions she had wondered about and she was pleasantly surprised with what I said I the video and the video left her feeling warmth, calm and a sense of resolution.

I honestly didn't think she would watch the video this soon...hell....I wasn't expecting a response this quick!!!

There are a few things that did send me on the defensive real quick.  Way back when I talked about a friend of hers who came to me one day and the friend figured out who I was and then the friend had come back a few days later.  Well, Ashley is upset with me because her friend had carried this burden on her shoulders.  WHOA!  Hold the phone!!  I didn't search out the friend, the friend was a client who figured out who I was.  When the friend asked me what to do I told her only she knew the answer to that, she is an adult, I can not tell her what to do, she knows Ashley and knows if she should tell her or not.  I did tell her if Ashley was anything like me she would be upset if she ever found out the friend met me and never said anything.  So the friend carrying this burden is my fault, how?

 Then Ashley tells me that adoption is very personal and doesn't like that I talk about it.  What?  Yes, adoption is very personal.  But there is no way in hell I am going to go back into that God Forsaken Birth Mother Closet of Secrecy.  Okay, breathe...she grew up on the kool-aid....in time she will know....she grew up on the kool-aid....she grew up on the kool-aid.

The last thing she mentions that threw me on the defensive was that the Agency will be there for her when she is ready...she will go to the Agency.  Yes, the Agency that coerced, threatened, manipulated me so they could take my child.  The Agency lied to me, if they lied to me then chances are pretty good they lied to Ashley's Adoptive Parents, and if they lied to us they will lie to Ashley.

Okay, I need to stop working this over....

I got an email!!!

She gave a list of her interests...it was like reading a description of me...it was crazy!!  I LOVED it!!

Now the funny thing is...Friday I posted about that feeling I had....looks like this was it!!  YAY!!!

While I was busy freaking out over the email on the phone to Mom my sister sent me a text.  I called my sister and she said she had a feeling something big was happening with me and she wanted to check on me.  I asked her "Big like I got an email?"  My sister was so excited she cried.  She also told me about having weird dreams about strangers being around during the holidays, so I told her about my dream last Thursday night about Ashley being with us at Christmas.  We were both quiet for a moment...who knows, guess we will just have to wait and see...with our fingers crossed.

I wanted to let y'all know I got and email and I'm so excited!!  I haven't responded back yet because I need to get past those few things that threw me on the defensive.  I don't want the response to be defensive or sound bitchy.  Just because I got off the kool-aid doesn't mean that Ashley even knows she has a choice to refuse the kool-aid.

YAY!!!  WOO HOO!!!  I GOT AN EMAIL!!!!

The Never Ending Waiting Game

Well, it's done.  It is out of my hands.  I have done everything I can do...this is my final attempt. 

I have lived with an empty spot in my heart for a little over 24 years.  I have tried my best to remain positive.  So many things have happened through the years that scream out "Don't give up on Ashley!"

Something, someone, has kept me connected to her, preventing me from shutting the door from the pain I carry in my heart.

Is it an unbreakable bond that happens between Mother and Child?  

Is it something saying we were never suppose to be separated?  

Or is it finally understanding what Domestic Infant Adoption does?  Is it realizing after all these years that the Adoption Machine took advantage of my young, naive, emotional state and used it to lie to me to snatch my baby?

I don't know...I don't have the answers.

Unfortunately, I am now left in a state of limbo.  A piece of my heart was ripped away from me so people who had more money could be the saviors of my child.  Saviors.  My child did not need to be rescued, my child did not need to be saved.  No, my child needed to be raised in her family.  She needed to be with the people who know and understand the little things that make her who she is.

She wasn't a blank slate.  She carries part of me, part of her genetic history in her. 

Yes, I have tried to reach out to her...unsuccessfully.  So this time I tried a different approach.  Since I do not know what she has been told repeatedly through out her life and I do not know for sure if she was threatened to be cut off from the only family she knows if she reaches out.  I do not know the family dynamics she grew up in.  Hell, who knows...maybe she hates me and would spit on me if she ever saw me.  I don't know.  All I have is a gut feeling.

Through the years I have listened to Adoptees and even some Adoptive Moms (not the crazy ones who think it is their God given right to take babies away from their Mothers).  I have tried to keep my heart open and have hope and remain positive.  Thank you to everyone who helped me with my last attempt at reaching out.  And Jenn, big squishy hugs!!!

I created a 6 minute, 28 second video.  I had to re-do this video a thousand time (so it seemed).  I briefly touch on when I was pregnant with her, what it was like, what I craved, her Birth Father, our relationship, when I went into the hospital, our time together, what I named her.  I told her she was wanted.  I also told her I will NOT step in and be Mom.  I know she loves her parents and the woman who raised her earned the title of "Mom"...a title I never earned.  Through out the video I tell her there are other stories, if she ever wants to hear them.

I made the little jewel case cover.  Yes, there are a couple of Alice in Wonderland references in the video, on the cd and on the jewel case.

I know some were concerned about just sending a video and it freaking out Ashley if she just pops it in.  I wrote a little letter letting her know how I tried to write a letter, but the words never came out right, the short video seemed to work best.  I did give her a heads up as to what is on the video so she can choose to watch it when she feels ready.  In the letter I do give her my email address.  The letter was placed on top of the cd in the gift box.

I did make a brief comment about a full blood Swedish woman who welded planes during WWII.  So, I picked up a 2" Swedish Dala Horse.  I did cringe at how expensive the little wooden horse was, but it was hand carved and hand painted in Sweden.  Right now I am hoping she doesn't see it and just throw it away.  I also picked up a Swedish Milk Chocolate Bar and attached a note.  "Just in case you have an insatiable sweet tooth.  It's okay to eat it in one sitting if you want :-)"

I wrapped everything up as perfectly as my nervous little hands could.  (yes, I'm a little OCD)  I am hoping she will see that a lot of love and care went into this.

Last Friday a work friend of mine had asked me "what if she freaks out when she gets the package?"  I told her if Ashley would have responded to my facebook message last year then I wouldn't have done this.  So my friend replies, "Oh, I get it.  Ignore little Miss OCD and she sends you gifts."  I laughed and told her only if I gave birth to you.  My friend hugged me and told me to stay positive and don't obsessively check my email.

Wednesday morning I packed up everything and wrote a little note asking that she have an open heart and an open mind.  Another co-worker friend of mine saw the open box and prayed over it, she said she prayed for a positive response.

The box was shipped, scheduled to arrive Friday morning at her work.  If you read my previous posts it was decided this was the best option since sending it to her home would probably scare the daylights out of her...finding her work address was public information.  I was hoping she received the box before she left work on Friday so she could process, if need be, at home over the weekend.  I felt bad enough shipping this to her work.

The package was received at 11am.  It is now out of my hands.  I have done everything I could possibly do and I know I can't reach out again, this was my final attempt.  I am trying my best to think positive thoughts, I know it may be a while before I get a response.

If she ignores this then I stay in limbo and to be totally honest.  I think staying in limbo is making me a little nuts.

If she tells me to go to hell then I can try to figure out how to deal with it, maybe then I can figure out how to let go...but leave my door open.

If she tells me she's not ready then that's okay too...at least I know I am not being ignored.

If she opens the door then of course I would be ecstatic!!

So now all I can do is wait...that never ending waiting game.

What happened to my patience?

I will write later, but I wanted to let y'all know the video is done and the package I created is being shipped to my First Daughter Ashley.

I do have a tracking number and the package should arrive Friday morning at her office.  I am hoping she gets it before she leaves work.  

Like I said before, I will write later about the package and video I ended up pulling together for Ashley.  I hope and pray that I have somehow touched her and she will make positive contact.

I am trying my best to remain positive and hopeful!!!

3 - 2 - 1 Action!

The "draft script" for my video to Ashley is written...in pencil.

I took the questions and used them to write everything out.  For some of the questions I did not want to go into a full story, I am letting her know it is another story, for another time...if she is interested.

I'm trying to keep the video about 5 minutes, 10 minutes tops.

All that is left for me to do now is write out my note cards so I stay on track and Monday I will begin recording.  I'm going to include a handwritten note letting her know I tried to write, but it was nearly impossible so I created the video (something along those lines) and I will list the questions I answered.  I will close the note with a "please let me know if you received this and if you are the right person or not" and I will leave just my email address.

Since I am making reference to a Swedish Great Grandmother who welded planes during WWII in the video I'm going to include a small gift wrapped dala horse with its Swedish story.

So hopefully with the note card attached to the video Ashley will know what it is (and what it is about) so she won't be completely freaked out and she'll be curious enough to play it.  I'm also hoping the small dala horse will help warm her up to the idea of wanting to get to know me.

I also hope with the video Ashley will see the similarities...I hope she has a lot of "I do that!" and maybe, just maybe, it will be enough for her to send an email. 

Thank you everyone who helped me figure out what to say!!!

And big squishy hugs for the one who let me use her as my "sound board" and for your wonderful advice.

Follow up to "Jumping the roadblock"

Last August I finally sent Ashley a message on facebook.  I never received a response from her yet.  Since then she has moved to California.

With encouragement from several of you and with the help of a certain special someone I have sent a follow up message on facebook.

I did let her know in this follow up that I am here for her whenever she is ready and I would like to have contact to get to know her...snail mail, email, texting or messaging is best at first so I do not come across as a babbling nut on the phone.  I also told her I would love to answer any questions she may have.

I don't know if I will get a response.  I really hope she replies with something, even a "leave me the hell alone" will be fine...I do hope it is something positive.

So there you go...I wait again for something, anything, just some kind of response!

Faith, Patience, Understanding and Hope

Adoption is not always the best option, especially a closed adoption.  A family is torn apart so a third party can make money so another family (a worthier family) can be built.  No matter how the greedy adoption machine spins it adoption is like suicide, a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  (Whoever originally made this comparison is brilliant!)

In a closed adoption the mother is left not knowing anything, not knowing what the truth is.  Left with nothing but a feeling of emptiness, longing, left with no one to help cope with the myriad of emotions.  A mother is left alone, to learn how to function in a life while hiding a secret.

Eventually, as time moves on this mother has been able to pull herself up from the pit of despair and crawl out from under that damn rug.  As pictures and information start falling into my lap I began to open up.  It was terrifying at first because I used my experience to push people away, but this time was different.  I had grown, this was no longer a secret I was willing to keep.

At 36 years old, 18 years after I lost my First Daughter to adoption, a new feeling was creeping up.  I started to feel lighter, everything seemed brighter, it took me a little while to figure out what it was.  I was becoming stronger, the kool-aid was wearing off, I had hope.

Hope that one day Ashley would be ready for me.  My path has crossed with many people connected to Ashley.  This kept my hope alive and because of this hope I now had faith.

With faith, blind faith, I have somehow managed to find patience.  The much needed patience to wait for Ashley.  I began to listen to Adoptees and they have given me something else I needed...understanding.  This understanding has helped keep me patient.  For all of the Adoptees out there that I have listened to, thank you!!

In blind faith I patiently wait and I pray that the client who randomly came in to see me over a year ago will tell Ashley the truth, tell her that she has met me.  At the time I truly believed fate brought this client to me for a reason.  I did not know why, maybe so she could tell her friends (who were also friends with Ashley) that she met Ashley's Birth Mother and she would tell Ashley.  I thought this was the reason, maybe it is part of the bigger picture.  Ashley is moving out of Texas for a job, she will possibly be moving in, or near, this friend of hers (my client).  I know in my heart this will be a good move.  I am hoping Ashley will be able to grow, to find out who she is and a part of me is secretly hoping this will finally lead her to me.

In blind faith I wait with patience, understanding, and hope....