Friday, September 9, 2011

Faith, Patience, Understanding and Hope

Adoption is not always the best option, especially a closed adoption.  A family is torn apart so a third party can make money so another family (a worthier family) can be built.  No matter how the greedy adoption machine spins it adoption is like suicide, a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  (Whoever originally made this comparison is brilliant!)

In a closed adoption the mother is left not knowing anything, not knowing what the truth is.  Left with nothing but a feeling of emptiness, longing, left with no one to help cope with the myriad of emotions.  A mother is left alone, to learn how to function in a life while hiding a secret.

Eventually, as time moves on this mother has been able to pull herself up from the pit of despair and crawl out from under that damn rug.  As pictures and information start falling into my lap I began to open up.  It was terrifying at first because I used my experience to push people away, but this time was different.  I had grown, this was no longer a secret I was willing to keep.

At 36 years old, 18 years after I lost my First Daughter to adoption, a new feeling was creeping up.  I started to feel lighter, everything seemed brighter, it took me a little while to figure out what it was.  I was becoming stronger, the kool-aid was wearing off, I had hope.

Hope that one day Ashley would be ready for me.  My path has crossed with many people connected to Ashley.  This kept my hope alive and because of this hope I now had faith.

With faith, blind faith, I have somehow managed to find patience.  The much needed patience to wait for Ashley.  I began to listen to Adoptees and they have given me something else I needed...understanding.  This understanding has helped keep me patient.  For all of the Adoptees out there that I have listened to, thank you!!

In blind faith I patiently wait and I pray that the client who randomly came in to see me over a year ago will tell Ashley the truth, tell her that she has met me.  At the time I truly believed fate brought this client to me for a reason.  I did not know why, maybe so she could tell her friends (who were also friends with Ashley) that she met Ashley's Birth Mother and she would tell Ashley.  I thought this was the reason, maybe it is part of the bigger picture.  Ashley is moving out of Texas for a job, she will possibly be moving in, or near, this friend of hers (my client).  I know in my heart this will be a good move.  I am hoping Ashley will be able to grow, to find out who she is and a part of me is secretly hoping this will finally lead her to me.

In blind faith I wait with patience, understanding, and hope....


Anonymous said...

You are so wise. I've gained renewed strenth from reading your inspirational words. I share your pain of waiting and look forward to the next chapter to unfold. Veronika

In Blind Faith said...

Thank you Veronika!!