Wednesday, September 28, 2011

What they didn't tell me: Babies

In a closed adoption the Counselor Recruiter Brainwasher fills a naive, scared expecting mother with all kinds of wonderful stories lies.  They say things like "You will forget" or "You will move on" or the one that makes me gag every time I hear it, "You will have more children so let this deserving, infertile couple have this one."  Ugh!  Gag!

What they didn't tell me was how I would handle being around babies.

I held Ashley every chance I had when I was in the hospital with her.  So after leaving the hospital I found myself looking at every baby, checking to see if it was her.  I kept this up through the years, if I saw a girl who was about her age I had to look to see if it was her.  I know this was silly of me, they said I would never run into her because we lived nowhere near each other (they were wrong about this one too).

As time went on and friends and family members started having children of their own I could never hold their babies.  They would try to hand me their baby and I would quickly take a step back and put my hands behind my back.

Nope, couldn't do it...I could not hold another baby.  Holding another baby would remind me of Ashley, of our brief time together.  I could not hold a child because I would turn back into that scared 18 year mother who just lost their daughter to adoption.

Holding my kept daughter was different.  I didn't trust anyone to hold her, I was afraid they would take her away from me.

To this day I still can not hold a baby.  I know Ashley is an adult now and I know she would be too big for me to wrap up in a blanket and cradle in my arms.  23 years later and I still feel that pain like it was yesterday...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your posting. When I surrendered my son, I recovered at home where my mom provided in-home day care to a few toddlers and infants so I couldn't avoid being around precious little ones (and holding them, playing with them, etc.). A couple of those kids were actually kids of teenage single moms whose family paid for childcare so they could all go to school and work - it just now struck me how ironic it is that I wasn't supposed to bring my baby home but my mom took care of other teens' kiddos.

I completely identify with your comment about not wanting anyone else to hold your parented daughter. Other than my husband, I couldn't stand anyone else holding any of my new babies, much to the chagrin of the grandmas!