Monday, September 12, 2011

What They Didn't Tell Me: Milestones

In a closed adoption the Counselor Recruiter Brainwasher fills a naive, scared expecting mother with all kinds of wonderful stories lies.  They say things like "You will forget" or "You will move on" or the one that makes me gag every time I hear it, "You will have more children so let this deserving, infertile couple have this one."  Ugh!  Gag!

For years the thought of having another child terrified me.  I already had one miscarriage and I believed God was punishing me for losing my First Daughter to adoption, so why would I put myself through this again?  So it happened...I got pregnant again.  I was was married so what was the big deal, right?

The thing is, the Counselor Recruiter Brainwasher was still in my head.  Even though I was 29 when I gave birth again I had turned back into my 18 year old self.  I was scared, I was reliving everything.  They lied to me, I never forgot!  There was one thing I was never prepared for and that was the milestones of my second child.

I always knew another woman was raising my first daughter, I knew this woman had earned the title of Mom and I would never hear my first daughter call me that.  I knew I missed out on Ashley's milestones and I knew I would never be able to experience them with her.

So with my daughter I am raising I made sure I never missed a single milestone in her life.  I did my best to be there, to document it, to cherish it.  What I did not expect was the sharp pain I felt in my heart.  I was cherishing every moment with my kept daughter and at the same time I was reminded of what I missed with Ashley.  It was (and still is) very painful, it is a constant reminder of what was stolen from me.

My daughter I am raising is 12 years old now, a 7th grader in her first year of Middle School.  She still has many milestones to go through and I am very proud of the amazing person she is becoming, but my heart is still being ripped apart because I have missed out on every tiny piece of Ashley's childhood and teen years.

They never told me how the wonderful milestones of subsequent children would end up reminding me of my First Daughter and rip my heart to pieces.

1 comment:

Janet said...

Nothing can replace the child we lost.
The subsequent child/children that may follow only intensify the fact that one is missing. We missed the first time they rolled over, walked, talked, went to Kindergarten...and on and on.
The one thing we know is we were lied to.We never forgot. We never really left them behind. We will forever be bonded to them even if we never physically know them.

I spent 36 years waiting for her to contact me and 6 years ago she did. Being back togehter is wonderful and emotional and a different kind of pain. But I would not trade it for one minute of not knowing.
I want you to know that you are in my thoughts. I know how painful the waiting is. Keep positive. I truly hope she finds it in her heart to answer you.