The Never Ending Waiting Game

Well, it's done.  It is out of my hands.  I have done everything I can do...this is my final attempt. 

I have lived with an empty spot in my heart for a little over 24 years.  I have tried my best to remain positive.  So many things have happened through the years that scream out "Don't give up on Ashley!"

Something, someone, has kept me connected to her, preventing me from shutting the door from the pain I carry in my heart.

Is it an unbreakable bond that happens between Mother and Child?  

Is it something saying we were never suppose to be separated?  

Or is it finally understanding what Domestic Infant Adoption does?  Is it realizing after all these years that the Adoption Machine took advantage of my young, naive, emotional state and used it to lie to me to snatch my baby?

I don't know...I don't have the answers.

Unfortunately, I am now left in a state of limbo.  A piece of my heart was ripped away from me so people who had more money could be the saviors of my child.  Saviors.  My child did not need to be rescued, my child did not need to be saved.  No, my child needed to be raised in her family.  She needed to be with the people who know and understand the little things that make her who she is.

She wasn't a blank slate.  She carries part of me, part of her genetic history in her. 

Yes, I have tried to reach out to her...unsuccessfully.  So this time I tried a different approach.  Since I do not know what she has been told repeatedly through out her life and I do not know for sure if she was threatened to be cut off from the only family she knows if she reaches out.  I do not know the family dynamics she grew up in.  Hell, who knows...maybe she hates me and would spit on me if she ever saw me.  I don't know.  All I have is a gut feeling.

Through the years I have listened to Adoptees and even some Adoptive Moms (not the crazy ones who think it is their God given right to take babies away from their Mothers).  I have tried to keep my heart open and have hope and remain positive.  Thank you to everyone who helped me with my last attempt at reaching out.  And Jenn, big squishy hugs!!!

I created a 6 minute, 28 second video.  I had to re-do this video a thousand time (so it seemed).  I briefly touch on when I was pregnant with her, what it was like, what I craved, her Birth Father, our relationship, when I went into the hospital, our time together, what I named her.  I told her she was wanted.  I also told her I will NOT step in and be Mom.  I know she loves her parents and the woman who raised her earned the title of "Mom"...a title I never earned.  Through out the video I tell her there are other stories, if she ever wants to hear them.

I made the little jewel case cover.  Yes, there are a couple of Alice in Wonderland references in the video, on the cd and on the jewel case.

I know some were concerned about just sending a video and it freaking out Ashley if she just pops it in.  I wrote a little letter letting her know how I tried to write a letter, but the words never came out right, the short video seemed to work best.  I did give her a heads up as to what is on the video so she can choose to watch it when she feels ready.  In the letter I do give her my email address.  The letter was placed on top of the cd in the gift box.

I did make a brief comment about a full blood Swedish woman who welded planes during WWII.  So, I picked up a 2" Swedish Dala Horse.  I did cringe at how expensive the little wooden horse was, but it was hand carved and hand painted in Sweden.  Right now I am hoping she doesn't see it and just throw it away.  I also picked up a Swedish Milk Chocolate Bar and attached a note.  "Just in case you have an insatiable sweet tooth.  It's okay to eat it in one sitting if you want :-)"

I wrapped everything up as perfectly as my nervous little hands could.  (yes, I'm a little OCD)  I am hoping she will see that a lot of love and care went into this.

Last Friday a work friend of mine had asked me "what if she freaks out when she gets the package?"  I told her if Ashley would have responded to my facebook message last year then I wouldn't have done this.  So my friend replies, "Oh, I get it.  Ignore little Miss OCD and she sends you gifts."  I laughed and told her only if I gave birth to you.  My friend hugged me and told me to stay positive and don't obsessively check my email.

Wednesday morning I packed up everything and wrote a little note asking that she have an open heart and an open mind.  Another co-worker friend of mine saw the open box and prayed over it, she said she prayed for a positive response.

The box was shipped, scheduled to arrive Friday morning at her work.  If you read my previous posts it was decided this was the best option since sending it to her home would probably scare the daylights out of her...finding her work address was public information.  I was hoping she received the box before she left work on Friday so she could process, if need be, at home over the weekend.  I felt bad enough shipping this to her work.

The package was received at 11am.  It is now out of my hands.  I have done everything I could possibly do and I know I can't reach out again, this was my final attempt.  I am trying my best to think positive thoughts, I know it may be a while before I get a response.

If she ignores this then I stay in limbo and to be totally honest.  I think staying in limbo is making me a little nuts.

If she tells me to go to hell then I can try to figure out how to deal with it, maybe then I can figure out how to let go...but leave my door open.

If she tells me she's not ready then that's okay too...at least I know I am not being ignored.

If she opens the door then of course I would be ecstatic!!

So now all I can do is wait...that never ending waiting game.

What happened to my patience?

I will write later, but I wanted to let y'all know the video is done and the package I created is being shipped to my First Daughter Ashley.

I do have a tracking number and the package should arrive Friday morning at her office.  I am hoping she gets it before she leaves work.  

Like I said before, I will write later about the package and video I ended up pulling together for Ashley.  I hope and pray that I have somehow touched her and she will make positive contact.

I am trying my best to remain positive and hopeful!!!

Happy 24th Birthday

Happy 24th Birthday Sweetheart.

The door will always be open for you and I will always be waiting with open arms.  I have and will always love you unconditionally.

Just to warn you though...when and if we see each other again I will probably re-count all of your fingers and toes and try to wrap you up in a blanket and hold you tightly in my arms.  And if I accidentally do this it is only because I missed out on so much with your life.

With all my heart,

Your Birth Mother 

Forgiveness?

A close friend checked up on me today...guess she remembered what time of year it is for me.

I had the poor woman on the verge of tears during our conversation.  I felt so bad, this was my heartache, something I would never wish on another person.

Some point during the conversation I told her about all the different times mine and Ashley's paths have crossed, the vivid dreams, and the "knowing" I felt when it came to Ashley.  She didn't tell me I was crazy or I was imagining things.  No, she told me our connection to one another was so strong there was nothing that could break that tie.

God how I wish that were true.

I told her about the path of self destruction I was heading down for a little over 10 years.  She told me it was completely understandable.  I was still just a child even though I was 18 at the time, the adults I was suppose to trust betrayed me in the cruelest way possible.  They left me emotionally broken in a world that couldn't possibly understand.

We talked about what happened at the agency.  I told her about the time I said I wanted to keep my unborn child and they threatened to take me to court to take my child away from me because I had no right to raise her.  They kept telling me I would be homeless, no one would help me and I would end up in one abusive relationship after another.  Tears were running down my face, my friend sat there shocked.  I told her they had me convinced there was nothing I could do...little did I realize at the time, they had no right to my baby!!

My friend was trying to fight back the tears and she told me I had to forgive myself.

Forgive myself?  How was I suppose to do that?

I forgave my mother after she apologized to me in 2006.  She told me she had no idea back then what it would do to me to lose my child like that, what it would do to my family.

I forgave Ashley's father, my boyfriend all through High School.  Every time we run into each other he always apologizes for treating me as shitty as he did when we were together and for cheating on me while I was pregnant and breaking up with me the day I came home from the hospital.  (I secretly enjoy it when he tells me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him).  I forgave him because he is now being paid back ten-fold and watching his misery honestly breaks my heart.  He is holding onto to so much anger now it is really taking a toll on him...it's sad because he had so much potential.

I don't think I can ever forgive the Adoption Counselor and all the cruel lies she told me to get my baby.  I have washed my hands of her, Karma will come back on her for all the years she spent separating Mothers from their children.

These people were the key players in my life at the time.  I forgave two of them and washed my hands of the third.  So I asked my friend why do I need to forgive myself?

I have been blessed with a wonderful second daughter, a husband who is supportive in his strange way, my Mother is now there for me when I need her and I have a huge supportive group of friends who are there for me with a shoulder to cry on, a box of kleenex or a strong drink during the month of July.  I know what I go through in the days leading up to Ashley's birthday is not God punishing me.  Yes, right now I am an emotional mess, but I know the light at the end of tunnel always shows up on July 24th.

My friend hugged me and told me I needed to forgive myself for signing that piece of paper, at the time everyone in my life lead me to believe there was no other option.

So how in the hell am I suppose to forgive myself for something that was completely out of my control?? 

Mother's Day

Another Mother's Day has come and gone.

No homemade card, no special creation made by the hands of a loving child, no hugs or kisses filled with wishes of a Happy Mother's Day.

Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.

23 Mother's Days have passed.

The words from long ago replay in my mind like a broken record. The words that broke me.  "You are not good enough to raise a child", "The baby deserves a better home", "You can not provide for this baby", "The baby deserves a loving, two parent home who can give her everything she wants", the list goes on...and on...and on...

23 Mother's Days have passed.

No card, no phone call, nothing from the child I have a heart full of love for.

Not too long ago the fog lifted from my brain and I realized I was good enough, I was capable and my baby deserved to be raised by her Mother...me.  Since the fog had lifted it has made it that much more painful, the realization I was manipulated.  Cruel and heartless people separated me from my baby.

23 Mother's Days have passed.

Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.

As each Mother's Day passes and there still is no word from my First Daughter, the words that broke me play in my mind like a broken record.  There have been no responses to the letters, cards and messages I have sent.  

23 Mother's Days have passed.

No responses, no calls, not even a "F*** YOU!"

Every year that feeling deep inside me screams out...she believes what they told her, she believes what they told me.  I just hope one day she does realize I was good enough, I was capable, we should never have been separated and that I have always loved her...unconditionally.

The Pretender

I was 18 years old when I lost my First Daughter, Ashley, to adoption in July of 1988.  I went through Jewish Family Services where they told me my daughter deserved a better life.  They filled my head with pretty lies about how happy she will be and what a wonderful life she will have.

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began

Later they would also tell me that I had no right to my child, she belongs to them and if I changed my mind they would take me to court to get my baby and make me pay the thousands of dollars for the medical expenses and time wasted by the Agency.  I was coerced, they had me backed in a corner, they never once told me I was capable of raising my child, instead they said I can't.

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?

They kept me in the dark, they never spoke the truth.  I did what they said and I was a "Good Birth Mother".  In blind faith I trusted them, it was going against what my heart was saying, but I had no one to help me.  My family closed their ears, eyes and hearts to my situation.  They believed the lies too.

I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense

I stayed in touch with the Agency like they told me to do, I sent letters, cards and gifts to Ashley, like they suggested, but they mysteriously disappeared.  They promised me Ashley and I will reunite.  I had hope, I had faith, I refused to believe I could be so manipulated.

Spinning Infinity
Boy the wheel is spinning me
It's never ending, never ending
Same old story

July 2006 the kool-aid was starting to wear off, things weren't what they seem.  I was beginning to believe I was lied to.  Everything hit me like a ton of bricks...I was lied to...they lied to me to get my baby.

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

No more, I will no longer play by their rules.  They manipulated me, they played on my worst fears so they could take my baby...like so many other agencies do.  I have been left feeling nothing but regret, shame, and feeling absolutely worthless.  In silence I was left with a longing, a broken heart from being separated from my child.

In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print, we are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story

I am just another Birth Mother who lost their child to adoption.  The Agency got what they wanted, they used me and then they threw me away...like I was a piece of trash.  They don't care about me, they can care less if I am ever reunited.  Actually, I believe they prefer we are not reunited so Ashley would never know the truth.  

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

The "Counselor" would say every once in a while "There is something about your eyes, your smile." She didn't realize it, but it was a look a Birth Mother with some fight left in her.  She may have succeeded all those years ago in getting my child, but what she didn't realize was that once I regained my strength, I was going to fight back.   

I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face mirrorin' your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right, I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down, bring you to your knees
So who are you?  Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you?

It took me a long time, but I finally saw things for what they are.  I am not a whore, I am not worthless, I am not some piece of trash...and I certainly will not remain silent! 

Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend

They can not keep me in the dark anymore.  I will not play along with their little game and spread the lies when it comes to adoption.  Domestic Infant Adoption is not a beautiful thing, it is a dirty, filthy institution that is allowed to coerce women into relinquishing their parental rights so they can make money off of the innocent children.

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

Being a Birth Mother is painful.  I have been left with a painful void in my heart.  Unfortunately, I will have to continue living my life never knowing Ashley, never experiencing her childhood.  Adoption took my baby and threw me away and convinced her that I am insignificant.  

What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

I will no longer surrender.  I will do everything I can to make sure my truth is heard, along with other truths from other Birth Mothers.  I can not stand silently by and allow another family to be destroyed.

So who are you?  Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? 

So who am I?  My name is Veronica, my friends call me Roni.  I am a Mother of two who is raising one.  My first daughter was lost to adoption when I was 18 years old in July of 1988.  Adoption destroyed my family and 23 years later it still prevents my First Daughter from knowing the family she came from.  I may not be able to repair the damage adoption has caused me, but I can help prevent other young Mothers from falling victim to the adoption lies.

Foo Fighters

The Pretender

Where Are You Christmas?

Christmas is fast approaching.  For some reason I just can't get into the Christmas mood.  This holiday is a painful reminder of what is missing in my life, my heart.  I just hope one day Ashley will be around...at Christmas...and every other time in my life...

Where Are You Christmas? 

Faith Hill

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love 

Frame By Frame

Yesterday I brought my daughter to Church for her Confirmation Class.  Confirmation is every other Sunday after Church...we have been skipping the Church services, just getting there for her classes.  It is annoying that it is after Church instead of before, but it works better for our new Minister.  Since Confirmation starts at 12:30 I'm stuck with being polite by acknowledging people who are still at "Coffee Hour".  I usually dread this, I know I shouldn't, but I do.  I went in yesterday and gave hugs and kisses to the people I had known my entire life and to my delight there was the Minister I had growing up.  I have always adored him.  He never judged me, never looked down on me, he just let me be me.

We'll call him Steve...

I snuck up behind Steve and gave him a big hug.  He asked if my kept daughter was there and I pointed her out to him.  He couldn't believe how much she had grown since he last saw her.  She came over to say hi and then she went off to her class.  After she walked away Steve asked how I was doing, I told him fine.  He gave me a serious look and asked "Ashley?"  My eyes welled up with tears.  He gave me another hug.  I told him how this emptiness I have carried has sucked, I wanted her to be in my life.  I caught him up to where I was today...where Ashley is today.

"Frame by frame."  That's what he said.  I was confused.  Steve had to explain.

Frame one:  You find her, contact was attempted.  She now knows who you are.  Once all of the information is gathered you wait patiently while she goes off to College.  You process Frame One.

Frame Two:  She talks about you, her friends check you out.  You randomly meet one of her childhood friends.  She processes Frame Two.

Frame Three:  You start to understand what happened.  You realized they played on your fears.  You now know what I wanted to tell you back then, the Agency lied to you, they took advantage of you.  You are now seeing what kind of people they are.  You process Frame Three.

Frame Four:  She spreads her wings, she graduates College and moves away.  She is finding her path.  She is processing Frame Four.

Frame Five:  You no longer keep the secret.  You don't hide the pain you carry.  You realize you have nothing to fear so you speak out, you speak your truth.  You are still processing Frame Five.

This is God's plan. (I shot him a dirty look)  God never wanted you separated from your child.  God is helping you two find your way back to one another.  God knows what they did to the two of you was wrong, so God is giving you frames to process, to help you grow, help keep you from being overwhelmed.  This is God's plan, to bring Mother and Child back together.  God wants for the two of you to have a healthy relationship and this is his way of making it happen.  Be patient, it is in God's hands.

All I could do was look at Steve and say "Damn it!  When am I going to get to the final frame?  This crap is making me crazy!"  He hugged me again, kissed me on the forehead and said, "Have faith, your time will come".

This still does not help me feel any better about not having Ashley around for Christmas this year!

Thanksgiving Lost

Turkey Whisperer - 2009

Now that Thanksgiving is over I can breath...for a moment before I dive into the Christmas holiday madness.

This was the first Thanksgiving since my Step Daddy passed away, his presence was certainly missed.  His spot was set at the table...empty.  I took my usual seat, next to his.  I never thought I would say this, but I really missed him stealing food off of my plate and I missed stealing the black olives off of his.  We survived the day, we still managed to laugh and carry on, my husband continued Step Daddy's tradition of frying the turkey.  To our surprise Step Daddy's oldest son and daughter in law came over...for the first time EVER!  It was wonderful having them there.  In time Thanksgiving will get easier with Step Daddy gone...

but....

there's that one thing....

that one little thing that rips me apart...

tears my heart to pieces...

and it doesn't get easier with each Thanksgiving...

With each Thanksgiving I am reminded of the Thankgivings Ashley has missed.  23 years my heart breaks, a painful empty void takes over.  No matter how much I hide it from my family it still hurts.  Ashley has missed out on traditions and crazy ass antics and she has missed out on the love from the people she shares DNA with.

She will never experience her Gran'pa's fried turkey and telling her Gran'ma that her turkey is better and then whispering in Gran'pa's ear that his turkey is freaking awesome.  She has missed out on watching my sister, cousins and I fight over the black olives with a disgusted look on her face.  (I guess the black olive thing skipped a generation).  She has missed the table set with too much food and her Aunt and I explaining to her Gran'ma that we prefer our cranberries with ridges...you know the kind...slides out of can and jiggles.

Ashley doesn't know that it is okay to save room for desert, because the desert table is filled with yummy goodness.  We have an incredible sweet tooth and the desert table shows it.  Mom has to make two pumpkin pies every year because my sister claims one and refuses to share it...she will share it with her son and my kept daughter and chances are she would share with Ashley too.  She has missed out on my sweet potato pie and my to die for triple chocolate cake.  

No matter how wonderful the food is, or how full we are, or how much laughter we shared, I am still reminded that my First Daughter was lost to adoption and this is just another Thanksgiving lost.

Dreaming

For several weeks now I have had these dreams.  Each one is slightly different.  I try to pay attention to my dreams, but sometimes they are forgotten by the time I have my first cup of coffee.  Most people think dreams don't mean anything, but for me, my Mom and my sister, our dreams mean something...sometimes, rarely they are actual snippets of the future.  It has been a couple of years since I have had one of these snippets and right now I am wishing this was a snippet...

The dreams I have been having are about Ashley.

One of the dreams she calls me, there is a dream where it is a first conversation and other dreams where we are talking like we have a close relationship.  The conversations are positive, there is a lot of laughter.

Another dream we meet for the first time.  I can't remember where we are at or when it is...just someplace in the present.  We hug, we laugh, we act like we were never separated.

I have also dreamed that she was with me on Christmas Eve, with the rest of my family.  We interact like she has always been with us.  She would be with me on Christmas morning...it would be my husband, kept daughter, Ashley and I.  The pure joy could be felt.

There are so many variations, but they all represent the same thing.  We are together, we are happy and there is love.

I have been so busy with other things lately that Ashley has not consumed my every waking moment.  I wish I knew if this was wishful dreaming or if she was thinking of me or if she will finally reach out soon.

Silly dreams...silly, wishful dreams...





 

White & Nerdy

This song doesn't remind me of adoption, it doesn't make me think of Ashley, and it doesn't interpret my feelings about my two facebook messages being ignored by Ashley.

This is just a song that makes me laugh.  I hope it makes you laugh a little too...

White & Nerdy

Weird Al Yankovic

They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking
I'm so White N' nerdy

Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
 

I wanna roll with-
The gangsters
But so far they all think
I'm too white n' nerdy
 

Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Really, really white n' nerdy

First in my class here at M.I.T.
Got skills, I'm a Champion of DND
MC Escher that's my favorite MC
Keep your 40
I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin to the contrary
You'll find they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Steven Hawkings in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
I got people begging for my top 8 spaces
Yo I know Pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at minesweeper I can play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed,
my fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well, I'm number 1
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat but I gotta soldering gun
Happy days is my favourite theme song
I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon
Here's the part I sing on

They see me roll on, my Segway!
I know in my heart they think I'm
white n' nerdy!
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy
 

I'd like to roll with-
The gangsters
Although it's apparent I'm too
White n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
How'd I get so white n' nerdy?

I've been browsing, inspectin'
X-men comics you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket
I must protect 'em
my ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code who do they call?
I do HTML for them all
Even made a homepage for my dog!
Yo! Got myself a fanny pack
they were having a sale down at the GAP
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
POP POP! Hope no one sees me gettin' freaky!

I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour creme
I was in AV club and Glee club and even the chess team!
Only question I ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?
I spend every weekend
at the renaissance fair
I got my name on my under wear!

They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause
I'm so white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
All because I'm white n' nerdy
Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy
I wanna bowl with-
the gangsters
but oh well it's obvious I'm
white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!

Damn Chickens

For the past month we have been going out to Mom's property on Sundays to help out since my super awesome, kick ass Step Daddy passed away.  My Mom isn't one to ask for help, she was planning on taking care of the 10 acres and the animals herself.  Darling Husband had to tell her we were coming out to work on the fencing.  Mom felt bad about this, but she appreciated it.

As we were replacing the top rails of the fence Darling Husband noticed the posts that had to be replaced.  The rails were attached to the good posts and now it was a matter of getting the smaller tractor to start so he could use the auger on it.  The last two Sundays were spent on just the small tractor.  I couldn't really help with this so Mom gave me a project inside the house.  She wanted to put my obsessive attention to detail and organizing talents to work.  

My kept daughter refers to me as the Family Paparazzi, but what she doesn't realize is that her Gran'ma was the same way (still kind of is).  My kept daughters life is completely documented with pictures, maybe this comes from losing my First Daughter to adoption, or maybe I learned this from my Mother, or maybe I'm just a crazy Mom who carries a camera in her purse.

My project inside the house was to pull out all of the pictures from their albums in put them in photo boxes.  The albums were big and bulky and were taking up too much space.  I have spent the last three Sundays (we are taking off today) gathering and organizing pictures.  Photographic documentation dating back to the 1930's.

Going through all of these pictures has been tedious work.  I had piles scattered all over the living room, piles of pictures for each decade.  Every once in a while I would have to stop and take a break. I would step out onto the driveway and watch the turkeys in their pens, the peacocks running with the guinea hens, the horses wandering through the their pastures and the chickens running around the house like they were children.

Two weeks ago Mom came home from Church.  I was standing on the driveway talking to her as my kept daughter was petting a chicken.  These damn chickens think they are pets!!  I had a unlit cigarette in one hand and my lighter in the other.  

Yes, I smoke...don't give me crap about it, just be glad it's cigarettes and not drugs or alcohol.  I think I'm doing pretty good if smoking is the only bad habit I have picked up.

Anyways...I'm standing there talking to Mom.  Next thing I knew my unlit cigarette was ripped out of my hand.  I was shocked!  I looked down and one of those damn chickens was running off with it!!  Mom was cracking up.  The chicken had jumped up and snatched my cigarette and ran off with it!!!

Turns out a couple of days after my super awesome, kick ass Step-Daddy's funeral my Mom's friend came into town.  The friend and my Aunt were feeding the chickens broccoli, dipped in Ranch Dressing.  The chickens went nuts over the Ranch Dressing so they were able to train the chickens to jump and get the broccoli.  They were training these chickens like they were dogs!!

Now when I take my breaks and I stand out there on the driveway I hold my cigarette up so the chickens can't jump for it.  Damn chickens!!!

Some Adopters make me nervous too

When people talk adoption around me it gets my attention.  What makes me uncomfortable is when the person gets excited for a couple for adopting.  It makes me cringe, all kinds of scenarios go through my mind.  When I meet Adoptive parents I tend to crawl back into myself, waiting for some nasty remark about how they are so much better than the First Mother.  I usually get a sick, uneasy feeling when I come across Adopters, but I know not all adoptive parents are the same...

Last July when I had to go testify for that Murder Trial that ended in a hung jury (retrial begins Nov. 14th) one of the witnesses was all excited, she said the reason the trial was postponed in June was so the Judge and his wife could adopt their newborn baby.  I remember feeling sick to my stomach...and not because I was about to go on the stand.  When the Judge swore me in I remember looking up at him with disgust.  What right does he have to sit on a bench and decide the fate of the accused when he participated in destroying a young woman's life by taking her baby.  After I was sworn in I couldn't look at his face.

A while back I posted about my HR Manager telling me she remembered Ashley's Adoptive Mom saying nasty things about me.  According to HR Manager Ashley was very vocal about being adopted, it seemed like she was excited about telling the world about it.  The Adopter had no problem telling everyone what she thought of me.  She would tell people I was trash, I was a worthless whore, she hoped I was dead, she wished I didn't exist, etc, etc, etc.  Now, I took what HR Manager said with a grain of salt, she has the tendency to exaggerate...A LOT!

When I was told this I did get upset, who wouldn't.  I had spent all of these years being positive about Ashley's Adoptive parents, my heart was filled with love for them, partly because of the adoption kool-aid and partly because it is my nature...to love.  What right did this woman have to publicly bash me when she had no clue as to who I am and the kind of person I am.  I have been kind and considerate of them all of these years and this is what I get in return?  I was angry.  HR Manager apologized to me for telling me this bit of information, I told her it was okay, I needed to know so I have an idea of what I will be dealing with.  This was the Adoptive Mother's insecurity, not mine.

I was very upset about this information.  How dare she say these things about me!  The rage I felt was unbelievable.  I told my friends in my "Super Secret Sisterhood", they were angry with me, except one.  This one friend was not a First Mother like us, she was an Adoptive Mother.  The love and understanding she had for us was the reason we brought her into the fold.  Mrs.Cali is an amazing woman.  She was upset about the nasty things Ashley's Adoptive Mother said about me, but she reminded me of something.

Mrs.Cali reminded me of how I carried these people in my heart, it didn't matter who they were, they were in my heart because they were caring for my Ashley.  She reminded me to not stoop to her level and I was the bigger person, and most important, she reminded me not all Adoptive Mothers are like that...and she was right!

***Mrs.Cali - I know you read this sometimes, you know who you are.  Thank you, thank you for everything, thank you for being my "Sista".

MotherHen, the one who gave me permission to contact Ashley, is another one I can bring into the fold.  I have known MotherHen since I was about 13 or 14 years old.  When we spoke about Ashley at Daddy's Memorial Service it took me off guard.  I was mourning the loss of a wonderful man and MotherHen was trying to let me know she was on my side.  MotherHen does not think highly of this Domestic/International Adoption that our society praises.  She can't comprehend why it is acceptable to remove a child from their mother and hand the child over to someone else who is "worthier".  There are so many children lost in our Foster Care system that deserve to be loved too, this is why she adopted a child she was Fostering.

She believes every child has the right to know who they are and where they come from and she's not talking about the adopted roots, she's talking about the biological roots!  Knowing MotherHen she has already researched her adopted daughters family so when her daughter turns 18 (after she graduates high school) she'll hand everything over.  MotherHen is the kind of person that will be her adopted daughter's biggest cheerleader when it comes to making contact

Why can't Ashley's Adoptive Mom be like Mrs.Cali or MotherHen?

In cyber world, there is an Adoptive Mom's blog I read, Rebecca at Love Is Not Pie, She doesn't make me nervous or give me that uneasy feeling.  One day I will venture out and read other Adoptive Mom blogs, but for right now, I can handle Rebecca's...and Malinda at adoptiontalk.

When I hear people talk about about Adoption I listen closely.  I am protective of other First Mothers, Adoptees, and the handful of extraordinary Adoptive Mothers.  As for the other Adopters...they make me nervous...

Follow up to "Jumping the roadblock"

Last August I finally sent Ashley a message on facebook.  I never received a response from her yet.  Since then she has moved to California.

With encouragement from several of you and with the help of a certain special someone I have sent a follow up message on facebook.

I did let her know in this follow up that I am here for her whenever she is ready and I would like to have contact to get to know her...snail mail, email, texting or messaging is best at first so I do not come across as a babbling nut on the phone.  I also told her I would love to answer any questions she may have.

I don't know if I will get a response.  I really hope she replies with something, even a "leave me the hell alone" will be fine...I do hope it is something positive.

So there you go...I wait again for something, anything, just some kind of response!

Alien Pod People

My Mother wasn't around much after my parents divorced when I was 7.  She went back to school, she got her associates degree, then went on to get her bachelor's degree and finally her master's degree.  Education was very important to her, she married when she was 18 then had me five years later.  So her dreams of a college education was put on hold for 12 years.  I'm not sure how she did it, but she managed to go to college full-time and work full-time, I guess my sister and I were the sacrifice.  If my sister or I ever did anything to get into trouble the question my Mother always asked was "Are you doing this to keep me from going to school?"  Of course this would make us feel horribly guilty.  So from a very early age I learned that my Mother's school and career came first.

Growing up I feared my mother more than anything.  She wasn't physically abusive, she was mean...maybe she was just grouchy from work and school and being a single parent for a little while, who knows.  My pregnancy certainly did not soften her up any, instead she became cruel, she titled her master thesis "Legs in the air syndrome", this paper was turned in a year after I delivered Ashley.  Needless to say, I was not close to my mother.  She was an angry woman and I couldn't wait to get away from her.

When I was 25 years old I moved from Dallas to San Antonio with my boyfriend (who later became my ex-husband).  I was looking at this as a way to escape from everyone and everything.  I can remember leaving behind an empty box in a storage space with a piece of paper, on the paper was a list of things (and people) I wanted to leave behind, my mother was on that list.

We moved back to Dallas after 13 months.  While living down there something inside me was pulling me back to Dallas.  I could never explain it without sounding like some kind of nut.  I figured it was because Dallas was my home, I was a second generation Dallas Native and my entire family was there.  In 2006 when I received the information on Ashley from an amazing search angel I realized that I had to go back because of Ashley.  I had always lived close by to where she was growing up and I never knew it!!

While I was in San Antonio my Mother remarried this man she had been dating for a couple of years.  After I moved back I noticed something had changed, I don't know if it was me, or if it was my mother.  Slowly I started talking to my mother again.  This wasn't the same person that raised me.  My mother was happy, she joked around, she would tell me she loved me and she would hug and kiss me.  Holy Crap!  Did alien pod people take over my mother's body while I was in San Antonio??

For ten years our relationship started improving and I think my super awesome step-daddy had something to do with this.  I never wanted to question it, I just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.  

When I started receiving information about Ashley I did keep it from my mother, I did not want to hear the same hateful crap she use to say when I was pregnant.  Finally, a few months passed when I decided I was going to tell her.  I told her all of the information I had received, where she grew up, where she was going to college, etc.  I braced myself, ready to fight back when something happened that threw me for a complete loop.  My Mother started to cry and started apologizing for the way she treated me and she wished she had never made me give up Ashley.  I was dumbfounded.  I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  

Who the hell was this woman?  This was not the same woman that raised me!  I swear alien pod people really did take over my mother!!

I couldn't take it anymore, I had to ask.  I asked her when did she have a change of heart.  She told me she noticed she was treating my sister and I the exact same way her mother treated her and her sister.  (This will be another post later) She didn't like what she was becoming so she tried to change.  I was shocked!!

So today, everytime I find some tidbit of information, or a picture, or if I get some hairbrain idea I call her.  She gets excited over the little things I come across, gets sad when the holidays come around, and she helps calm me back down when I start to get extremely anxious.  A few weeks ago my mother said something that had me stunned.  All these years I thought I was the only one dealing with losing a child to adoption...my mother told my daughter that not only did I miss out on raising Ashley, but she also missed out on being a part of her first grandchild's life.

Yep, I believe Alien Pod People took over my mother's body...and I am totally cool with that, because my Mom is pretty awesome.

Faith, Patience, Understanding and Hope

Adoption is not always the best option, especially a closed adoption.  A family is torn apart so a third party can make money so another family (a worthier family) can be built.  No matter how the greedy adoption machine spins it adoption is like suicide, a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  (Whoever originally made this comparison is brilliant!)

In a closed adoption the mother is left not knowing anything, not knowing what the truth is.  Left with nothing but a feeling of emptiness, longing, left with no one to help cope with the myriad of emotions.  A mother is left alone, to learn how to function in a life while hiding a secret.

Eventually, as time moves on this mother has been able to pull herself up from the pit of despair and crawl out from under that damn rug.  As pictures and information start falling into my lap I began to open up.  It was terrifying at first because I used my experience to push people away, but this time was different.  I had grown, this was no longer a secret I was willing to keep.

At 36 years old, 18 years after I lost my First Daughter to adoption, a new feeling was creeping up.  I started to feel lighter, everything seemed brighter, it took me a little while to figure out what it was.  I was becoming stronger, the kool-aid was wearing off, I had hope.

Hope that one day Ashley would be ready for me.  My path has crossed with many people connected to Ashley.  This kept my hope alive and because of this hope I now had faith.

With faith, blind faith, I have somehow managed to find patience.  The much needed patience to wait for Ashley.  I began to listen to Adoptees and they have given me something else I needed...understanding.  This understanding has helped keep me patient.  For all of the Adoptees out there that I have listened to, thank you!!

In blind faith I patiently wait and I pray that the client who randomly came in to see me over a year ago will tell Ashley the truth, tell her that she has met me.  At the time I truly believed fate brought this client to me for a reason.  I did not know why, maybe so she could tell her friends (who were also friends with Ashley) that she met Ashley's Birth Mother and she would tell Ashley.  I thought this was the reason, maybe it is part of the bigger picture.  Ashley is moving out of Texas for a job, she will possibly be moving in, or near, this friend of hers (my client).  I know in my heart this will be a good move.  I am hoping Ashley will be able to grow, to find out who she is and a part of me is secretly hoping this will finally lead her to me.

In blind faith I wait with patience, understanding, and hope....

I Made It Through The Rain

I made it through the first 18 years of not knowing anything.  I made it through the next 5 years of getting information and running across people she knew.  I made it through the weird "cat and mouse" game that left me devastated and excited.  I finally made it through sending contact directly from ME!!  I made it through the rain, I kept my world protected, I made it through the rain, I kept my point of view, I made it through the rain...

I Made It Through The Rain

Barry Manilow

We dreamers have our ways
Of facing rainy days
And somehow we survive
We keep the feelings warm
Protect them from the storm
Until our time arrives
Then one day the sun appears
And we come shining through those lonely years

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain

And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

When friends are hard to find
And life seems so unkind
Sometimes you feel afraid
Just aim beyond the clouds
And rise above the crowds
And start your own parade

'Cause when I chased my fears away
That's when I knew that I could finally say

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain

And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain

And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through
And made it through
I made it through

Pacing the floors

It has been two weeks since I sent the message to Ashley on facebook.  No response.  This is how I'm feeling about it today...

I am trying very hard to be patient and stay positive.  I don't obsessively check my messages and when I see a message alert I don't get my hopes up.  I keep telling myself it is what it is.

But this is killing me!!  Has she seen the message?  Is she ignoring me?  Is she thinking about what to write?  By now I'm guessing if it were negative she would have already said it, hell, she could have responded with a "I'm not the one you are looking for".  

I'm climbing the walls over here.  

Now it looks like she is planning on moving to California.  Could this be the delay in responding?  I'm okay if it is...just tell me!!

I just wish someone would rip this band-aid off.  Please, just pull the skin tight, grab that band-aid and rip it off...quickly!!  Just make sure you pull parallel with the skin and against the hair growth so hairs are pulled from the root and not broken off.  

Hmmm....odd comparison, but I think I can go with it...instead of band-aid it's a wax strip.