Thursday, February 7, 2013

Picking Up The Pieces

I know it has been a while since I have written...sorry.

Since I have received the email from Ashley I have been trying to pick up the pieces of my broken shattered heart.  For so many years I held hope in my heart that one day we will be reunited.  Not only did I hold hope, but also love... unconditional love.  Love for her and love for the people she holds dear.

But last November all that came crashing down around me when I read her email...and re-read it...and ended up over analyzing it.

So I tried my best to crawl under a rock...and stay there!!

Unfortunately, it was too uncomfortable under that rock.

I tried to remain angry, but that didn't hang around long.  I wanted to be mad as hell, I wanted to lash out and I tried, but somewhere inside me came that annoying "forgiving and loving" reasonable voice.  I couldn't stay angry.  She was taught to not listen to heart, not pay attention to her gut feeling.

I wanted to take my size 5 shoe and smack everyone upside the head that had a part in keeping my First Daughter away from me, but I knew that wouldn't do any good.  It would ruin my shoe and cause more heart break.

I have tried to hardened my heart.  I keep telling myself that if she ever reached out I would just slam that door shut.  But, I know if she stood before me I would end up embracing her...

Right now I am just trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces once again, but it is hard.  They told me 24 years ago I wasn't good enough to raise my baby and now it has been thrown back in my I'm not good enough to get to know.

If only she would listen to her heart, then she would know I really was good enough and I still am worthy of getting to know...