Can't decide on which distraction to obsess over

My husband tells people I have ADD/OCD, I can't decide on which distraction to obsess over.  People seem to find the humor in this, but they don't realize how true this statement is about me.  What they don't know is that I need to focus in on a distraction (I prefer positive distractions) so I don't go crazy trying to figure out why my First Daughter still wants nothing to do with me.

So far this summer has been filled with all kinds of distractions I would honestly wish to go away, especially right now.  Every July I seem to be on edge, sometimes I just start crying for what people think is for no reason.  What some don't know is that my First Daughter's birthday is on July 23rd, this year she will be 23 years old.  23 years of trying to cope with losing a child to adoption.

The Murder Trial I was suppose to be a witness for has been postponed to July 18th.  Great...just what I needed added to my plate the week of my First Daughter's birthday.  This is starting to get a little annoying for me.  Not only am I remembering the vivid details surrounding the birth of "Ashley" and our time spent together in the hospital, but I am also remembering vivid details of this murder.  You would think this trial would be enough to distract me...but no...I am a master at juggling things!  *Sigh*

My youngest daughter is currently spending two weeks in Florida with the Grandparents.  My In-laws believe children should be seen and not heard. I think this visit has been quite an eye opener for them (and my little one).  They have now realized that we are raising this 12 year old to speak up and not let people walk all over her.  She'll be home in two days...I think we will all be glad when she's back home.

While my youngest is in Florida my husband and I finally had enough of my daughter's synchronized ice skating coach.  We pulled our daughter off the team.  Now I'm dealing with 8 other Mom's bitching at me because we questioned the coach's abilities.  Seriously?  Everyone of them bitched and complained behind the coach's back, but when someone says something they freak out and turn on the person who wasn't a chicken shit and actually said enough was enough.  Right now I'm very confused, why would parents teach their children to talk behind people's backs and then be a chicken shit towards the person who stands up?  Younger Daughter doesn't know about this yet, we are waiting to tell her when she gets home.  She'll be upset that we are not going to San Diego for the State Games of America, but she will be relieved.  Her private coach has already told her that she wanted her on the Intermediate Synchronized Skate Team.

So I have all of this going on...the same time I am trying to cope with the fact that my First Daughter will be turning 23 in 20 days and so far she doesn't give a crap about me, her First Mother.

Hurry up and be done with July!!!

You will forget

Everytime I went into the agency for my counseling brainwashing session I was told "You will forget".  From the moment those words first crossed the Counselor's Brainwasher's lips I knew it was a load of crap.  

Seriously...how is someone able to forget something that changes who you are and changes your life completely?

This woman who was old enough to be my mother would sit across from me.  Her desk was cluttered with so much crap I could barely see her.  She would always sit there looking at me disapprovingly, an obese woman shoveling dry cereal into her mouth, filling my head with lies.

How am I suppose to forget how I spent most of my Senior year in hiding?  How am I suppose to forget I didn't go to my Prom because my boyfriend didn't want anyone to know?  How am I suppose to forget I didn't graduate when I was suppose to because I missed so many days from being pregnant?  How am I suppose to forget that my hips had spread and I could no longer wear size 0 jeans?  How am I suppose to forget how bruised my ribs were from my First Daughter kicking them?  How am I suppose to forget everytime I went in for my "well woman" check ups and my doctor constantly raved about the episiotomy scar?  I can go on and on....

Are these people so warped they honestly believe that a Mother could forget about being a pregnant, scared teenager and giving birth?  Seriously?

The only reason this is really bothering me right now is because I was served a subpoena yesterday.  I knew this subpoena was going to happen, I received one last February but the trial it was for was postponed.  I was served because I am considered a witness to a murder.  I didn't see the murder take place, I was trying to save this kids life.  This kid was (is) 3 months younger than my First Daughter.  You would think that going through this experience a year and a half ago would be enough to push the memories aside of my First Daughter...but no.  This tragic event I was involved in isn't enough to overpower the memory of my First Daughter.  (After the trial in June I'll write more about it)

So I was told repeatedly I would forget.  It is not possible to forget.  I can not forget the experiences I had carrying the child I so dearly love when I was 18.  I can not forget the experience I had giving birth...without any type of pain killers.  I can not forget holding this precious, beautiful child.  I can not forget being manipulated into signing that piece of paper.  I can not forget, no matter how much I tried in the past it just is not possible.  Just like not being able to forget hearing the blood chilling screams of a mother who was just told she lost her son...I can not forget that on Saturday, July 23, 1988 I became a Mother.

I can NOT and I will NOT forget!!