The Pretender

I was 18 years old when I lost my First Daughter, Ashley, to adoption in July of 1988.  I went through Jewish Family Services where they told me my daughter deserved a better life.  They filled my head with pretty lies about how happy she will be and what a wonderful life she will have.

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began

Later they would also tell me that I had no right to my child, she belongs to them and if I changed my mind they would take me to court to get my baby and make me pay the thousands of dollars for the medical expenses and time wasted by the Agency.  I was coerced, they had me backed in a corner, they never once told me I was capable of raising my child, instead they said I can't.

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?

They kept me in the dark, they never spoke the truth.  I did what they said and I was a "Good Birth Mother".  In blind faith I trusted them, it was going against what my heart was saying, but I had no one to help me.  My family closed their ears, eyes and hearts to my situation.  They believed the lies too.

I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense

I stayed in touch with the Agency like they told me to do, I sent letters, cards and gifts to Ashley, like they suggested, but they mysteriously disappeared.  They promised me Ashley and I will reunite.  I had hope, I had faith, I refused to believe I could be so manipulated.

Spinning Infinity
Boy the wheel is spinning me
It's never ending, never ending
Same old story

July 2006 the kool-aid was starting to wear off, things weren't what they seem.  I was beginning to believe I was lied to.  Everything hit me like a ton of bricks...I was lied to...they lied to me to get my baby.

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

No more, I will no longer play by their rules.  They manipulated me, they played on my worst fears so they could take my baby...like so many other agencies do.  I have been left feeling nothing but regret, shame, and feeling absolutely worthless.  In silence I was left with a longing, a broken heart from being separated from my child.

In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print, we are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story

I am just another Birth Mother who lost their child to adoption.  The Agency got what they wanted, they used me and then they threw me away...like I was a piece of trash.  They don't care about me, they can care less if I am ever reunited.  Actually, I believe they prefer we are not reunited so Ashley would never know the truth.  

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

The "Counselor" would say every once in a while "There is something about your eyes, your smile." She didn't realize it, but it was a look a Birth Mother with some fight left in her.  She may have succeeded all those years ago in getting my child, but what she didn't realize was that once I regained my strength, I was going to fight back.   

I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face mirrorin' your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right, I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down, bring you to your knees
So who are you?  Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you?

It took me a long time, but I finally saw things for what they are.  I am not a whore, I am not worthless, I am not some piece of trash...and I certainly will not remain silent! 

Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend

They can not keep me in the dark anymore.  I will not play along with their little game and spread the lies when it comes to adoption.  Domestic Infant Adoption is not a beautiful thing, it is a dirty, filthy institution that is allowed to coerce women into relinquishing their parental rights so they can make money off of the innocent children.

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

Being a Birth Mother is painful.  I have been left with a painful void in my heart.  Unfortunately, I will have to continue living my life never knowing Ashley, never experiencing her childhood.  Adoption took my baby and threw me away and convinced her that I am insignificant.  

What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

I will no longer surrender.  I will do everything I can to make sure my truth is heard, along with other truths from other Birth Mothers.  I can not stand silently by and allow another family to be destroyed.

So who are you?  Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? 

So who am I?  My name is Veronica, my friends call me Roni.  I am a Mother of two who is raising one.  My first daughter was lost to adoption when I was 18 years old in July of 1988.  Adoption destroyed my family and 23 years later it still prevents my First Daughter from knowing the family she came from.  I may not be able to repair the damage adoption has caused me, but I can help prevent other young Mothers from falling victim to the adoption lies.

Foo Fighters

The Pretender

A little ADD/OCD can be a good thing

I was thinking about the post I did the other night...the ADD/OCD thing and few nights ago my husband commenting about how I need to relax a little.  So it got me thinking...

How is a Mother suppose to behave when she loses her child to adoption?  What is she suppose to do when she realizes she was manipulated and believed the lies she was told for so many years?  Hell yeah, I'm going to be a little skitzy and have to maintain some sense of control about myself.  I'm not some animal that doesn't care that her first child is out there somewhere.  I've been called many things in the last 23 years and I have worn that scarlet letter on my chest...like Hester Prim in The Scarlet Letter.  This is what our society has done to First Mothers, we are treated like trash so the "Baby Brokers" can make their profits and families can be torn apart.

Maybe it's just me, but no Mother should be separated from their child so an "Agency" can profit, it's really a legalized form of baby selling.  The "Agencies" swoop in on unsuspecting, scared, and naive unwed Mothers, tell them stories about how they are "giving a gift to a couple who so desperately needs a child", then after delivery the Mother can pick up where she left off and continue life like nothing ever happened.  BULLSHIT!  

I'm not a baby factory, I'm not some cheap whore.  I'm a Mother who is worrying about her First Child, a Mother trying to figure out what I did that was so wrong to cause her First Child to not give a damn about the woman who has unconditionally loved her from conception.

18 days until her 23rd Birthday... *sigh*

Can't decide on which distraction to obsess over

My husband tells people I have ADD/OCD, I can't decide on which distraction to obsess over.  People seem to find the humor in this, but they don't realize how true this statement is about me.  What they don't know is that I need to focus in on a distraction (I prefer positive distractions) so I don't go crazy trying to figure out why my First Daughter still wants nothing to do with me.

So far this summer has been filled with all kinds of distractions I would honestly wish to go away, especially right now.  Every July I seem to be on edge, sometimes I just start crying for what people think is for no reason.  What some don't know is that my First Daughter's birthday is on July 23rd, this year she will be 23 years old.  23 years of trying to cope with losing a child to adoption.

The Murder Trial I was suppose to be a witness for has been postponed to July 18th.  Great...just what I needed added to my plate the week of my First Daughter's birthday.  This is starting to get a little annoying for me.  Not only am I remembering the vivid details surrounding the birth of "Ashley" and our time spent together in the hospital, but I am also remembering vivid details of this murder.  You would think this trial would be enough to distract me...but no...I am a master at juggling things!  *Sigh*

My youngest daughter is currently spending two weeks in Florida with the Grandparents.  My In-laws believe children should be seen and not heard. I think this visit has been quite an eye opener for them (and my little one).  They have now realized that we are raising this 12 year old to speak up and not let people walk all over her.  She'll be home in two days...I think we will all be glad when she's back home.

While my youngest is in Florida my husband and I finally had enough of my daughter's synchronized ice skating coach.  We pulled our daughter off the team.  Now I'm dealing with 8 other Mom's bitching at me because we questioned the coach's abilities.  Seriously?  Everyone of them bitched and complained behind the coach's back, but when someone says something they freak out and turn on the person who wasn't a chicken shit and actually said enough was enough.  Right now I'm very confused, why would parents teach their children to talk behind people's backs and then be a chicken shit towards the person who stands up?  Younger Daughter doesn't know about this yet, we are waiting to tell her when she gets home.  She'll be upset that we are not going to San Diego for the State Games of America, but she will be relieved.  Her private coach has already told her that she wanted her on the Intermediate Synchronized Skate Team.

So I have all of this going on...the same time I am trying to cope with the fact that my First Daughter will be turning 23 in 20 days and so far she doesn't give a crap about me, her First Mother.

Hurry up and be done with July!!!