Someone Is Trying To Tell Me Something - Part I

For several years after I left the hospital with empty arms in 1988 I would wake up suddenly, swearing I heard a baby crying.  The first year or so it was constant, but as time went on it would happen less and less.  I am a heavy sleeper, my alarm clock barely wakes me up.  So I could never understand why the sound of a baby crying, later a small child, would wake me up...especially when there were never any small children around. 

• Maybe, just maybe, it was a mother's intuition.  I will never know the answer to this mystery.

In 1989 I worked for this lady making hairbows.  There were about 10 of us who worked there.  I started working there when Ashley was about 7 months old, I was already starting down a path of self-destruction.  The owner was Jewish, I kept asking her questions about her faith.  The lady finally asked me one day why I was so curious, so I told her about Ashley.  Before I told her about Ashley she would talk about her family and about this precious new baby that came into her family, after I told her she acted different, she wouldn't talk about her family around me, she started to look like the "cat at that the canary", and she started to "mother" me.  The owner was a fun and sweet woman, I really liked her.  Unfortunately, I was starting down my self destructive path.  I wish we could have met during a better time in my life.

• 19 years later I started getting a very strong feeling about the sweet Jewish woman I use to work for, making hair bows.  Something inside me was screaming...she's Ashley's adopted Aunt!!!  (If Ashley and I ever get acquainted I'll have to ask her if she has an Aunt who use to own a place making hairbows)

In 1990 the Adoption "Counselor" wanted to meet with me.  Not sure why, but looking back I'm sure it was to keep force feeding me the Kool Aid.  The "Counselor" told me she was at Target a couple of weekends before and she saw this child.  She saw the child smile and and noticed her eyes.  The child was Ashley, there was no doubt in her mind, then seeing the parents confirmed it.  The "Counselor" almost slipped, she was about to say Ashley's adopted name...she managed to get out the sound of the first two letters before she caught herself.  That's okay, the sound could only be one of two names.  I pretended like I didn't hear it, so she went on to tell me how this child looked so much like me, she said it was like looking at a miniature version of me, except the hair and eye color were different from mine, but she had that same smile and light in her eyes like mine. 

• I was angry when I left there.  I knew the neighborhood where the "Counselor" lived, I knew which Target she was talking about.  She told me these people didn't live anywhere near me, there was no way Ashley and I would ever cross paths.  She lied to me, but I know knew Ashley's adopted name could be one of two names...there is a third name that it could also be, but that was doubtful, I never heard of a Jewish girl having that third name.  In 2006 my guess was correct, her name was one of the two names I figured it would be!

From 1990 - 1992 I use to work at Mervyn's located at Prestonwood Mall, I started out in the Children's Department then eventually was put on the newly formed "Operations Impact Team".  Since losing Ashley I always stayed away from small children and babies, especially if they were girls who were about Ashley's age.  One day in 1992 I was marking items down in the Children's Department.  The store was going through a remodel so everything was a bit chaotic.  I had my clipboard in hand, with my red pen and inventory scanning gun strapped to my hip.  There was a woman trying to find a certain size in something, she had a girl who about 4 years old and a little one in a stroller.  I was drawn to this 4 year old, I don't know why since I avoided children like the plague.  I helped the woman locate whatever it was she was looking for, but I could not keep my eyes off of the child.  I remember being filled with love when I looked at her.  It freaked me out, I clocked out and ran to my car and cried. 

• I never understood what the hell happened that day.  I never felt that kind of connection and love that strong until I had my second daughter.  Was that 4 year old Ashley, her Adopted Mother and her adopted parents natural child?  Could be.  In 2006 I found out Ashley lived close to that mall and her adopted parents had their first and only natural child when Ashley was about 3 or 4...so the ages of the children added up.

1995 I moved to San Antonio.  I lived there for 13 months.  I was absolutely miserable!!  All I wanted to do was move back home.  It could be the slow pace of San Antonio, at the time it was a little too slow for a North Dallas Native, or it could be my family was still in the North Dallas area.  All I knew was I had to get back to Dallas, so in 1996 I moved back.

• At the time I couldn't explain what was pulling me back to Dallas.  After I found out where Ashley grew up I realized that had to be it.  We ended up moving about 5 miles from her neighborhood.  I had always lived within 10 miles of her neighborhood.

1999 I had my second daughter, Ashley was 11 at the time.

• Ashley's neighborhood was about two miles (if that) down the road from the hospital where I gave birth to my second child.

2004 I went to a Walmart one Saturday morning that was closer to the area where I later found out Ashley lived.  (The walmart closer to me was scary)  I parked and walked through the parking lot.  I saw a small dark SUV parked and in the back window was a High School Cheerleader sticker with a name on it.  The name was one of the two names I was guessing to be Ashley's.  I stood there and stared for some reason...Ashley didn't cross my mind at the time.  I found myself making sure my shirt was straightened and my hair wasn't going crazy, then I went in.  When I walked back to my car I noticed the small SUV was gone, not sure what it was, but something was telling me that WAS Ashley.

• In 2006 I found out Ashley was a cheerleader and went to the high school named on that sticker.  Shortly after receiving that information I did stumble across a picture (that was posted for the public to see).  The picture was Ashley and a small dark SUV...the same SUV I saw two years before.

2005 a junior high friend of mine was having a baby.  There was a baby shower at her parents home.  Her parents no longer lived in the neighborhood where we grew up, they moved across town into this hoity toity neighborhood.  I had the directions I was following.  For some reason I took a left too soon, ended up in a cul-de-sac.  After driving through the neighborhood for a few minutes I was finally back on track.

• In 2006 I received the information on Ashley and her adoptive family.  I looked up the address, the neighborhood looked familiar.  I called up my junior high friend and told her she wasn't going to believe this.  I asked her if she remembered me telling her about how I got lost in her parents neighborhood.  The cul-de-sac I turned around in was Ashley's.  Since then I refused to go to my friend's parents house, I didn't want to run the risk of Ashley's adoptive family accusing me of being up to no good.

It wasn't until I began my search in July of 2006 that these strange little things were starting to make sense.  Most of these little things would have been forgotten, they are normal everyday run-ins...not worth being filed away in my memory.   But for some reason the dots were quickly being connected when a wonderful Search Angel provided me with the information on Ashley, my First Daughter lost to adoption...

Someone, or something, has been trying to tell me something all of these years.

Alien Pod People

My Mother wasn't around much after my parents divorced when I was 7.  She went back to school, she got her associates degree, then went on to get her bachelor's degree and finally her master's degree.  Education was very important to her, she married when she was 18 then had me five years later.  So her dreams of a college education was put on hold for 12 years.  I'm not sure how she did it, but she managed to go to college full-time and work full-time, I guess my sister and I were the sacrifice.  If my sister or I ever did anything to get into trouble the question my Mother always asked was "Are you doing this to keep me from going to school?"  Of course this would make us feel horribly guilty.  So from a very early age I learned that my Mother's school and career came first.

Growing up I feared my mother more than anything.  She wasn't physically abusive, she was mean...maybe she was just grouchy from work and school and being a single parent for a little while, who knows.  My pregnancy certainly did not soften her up any, instead she became cruel, she titled her master thesis "Legs in the air syndrome", this paper was turned in a year after I delivered Ashley.  Needless to say, I was not close to my mother.  She was an angry woman and I couldn't wait to get away from her.

When I was 25 years old I moved from Dallas to San Antonio with my boyfriend (who later became my ex-husband).  I was looking at this as a way to escape from everyone and everything.  I can remember leaving behind an empty box in a storage space with a piece of paper, on the paper was a list of things (and people) I wanted to leave behind, my mother was on that list.

We moved back to Dallas after 13 months.  While living down there something inside me was pulling me back to Dallas.  I could never explain it without sounding like some kind of nut.  I figured it was because Dallas was my home, I was a second generation Dallas Native and my entire family was there.  In 2006 when I received the information on Ashley from an amazing search angel I realized that I had to go back because of Ashley.  I had always lived close by to where she was growing up and I never knew it!!

While I was in San Antonio my Mother remarried this man she had been dating for a couple of years.  After I moved back I noticed something had changed, I don't know if it was me, or if it was my mother.  Slowly I started talking to my mother again.  This wasn't the same person that raised me.  My mother was happy, she joked around, she would tell me she loved me and she would hug and kiss me.  Holy Crap!  Did alien pod people take over my mother's body while I was in San Antonio??

For ten years our relationship started improving and I think my super awesome step-daddy had something to do with this.  I never wanted to question it, I just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.  

When I started receiving information about Ashley I did keep it from my mother, I did not want to hear the same hateful crap she use to say when I was pregnant.  Finally, a few months passed when I decided I was going to tell her.  I told her all of the information I had received, where she grew up, where she was going to college, etc.  I braced myself, ready to fight back when something happened that threw me for a complete loop.  My Mother started to cry and started apologizing for the way she treated me and she wished she had never made me give up Ashley.  I was dumbfounded.  I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  

Who the hell was this woman?  This was not the same woman that raised me!  I swear alien pod people really did take over my mother!!

I couldn't take it anymore, I had to ask.  I asked her when did she have a change of heart.  She told me she noticed she was treating my sister and I the exact same way her mother treated her and her sister.  (This will be another post later) She didn't like what she was becoming so she tried to change.  I was shocked!!

So today, everytime I find some tidbit of information, or a picture, or if I get some hairbrain idea I call her.  She gets excited over the little things I come across, gets sad when the holidays come around, and she helps calm me back down when I start to get extremely anxious.  A few weeks ago my mother said something that had me stunned.  All these years I thought I was the only one dealing with losing a child to adoption...my mother told my daughter that not only did I miss out on raising Ashley, but she also missed out on being a part of her first grandchild's life.

Yep, I believe Alien Pod People took over my mother's body...and I am totally cool with that, because my Mom is pretty awesome.

The Cat Is Out Of The Bag

Last Thursday I received a text from my kept Daughter's (we will call her C) best friends Mom (we'll call her F).  What I read really made me angry.  I was at work and I wouldn't be getting off until 8pm, so I was stuck.  The message I received was a snapshot of a text C sent to her best friend H, about a boy coming over to the house earlier that morning.  All kinds of things went running through my head.  I heard C and H's other best friend was also at the house, this concerned me because this friend, L, was not allowed to be at our house if we weren't home because her Mom (who we will call B) didn't completely trust her to be alone.  I called B, she knew we weren't home and L was at our house for about 15 minutes before the girls came over to her house.  I told B about the text, she found it upsetting also and she said she would get back to me.  She later called to tell me last Tuesday my 12 year old daughter thought it would be a good idea to have 5 of her friends over and 3 boys.

I did call C about this, she kept changing her story.  I called my husband and he told me I was over reacting.  Over reacting?  Seriously?  

I left work and rushed home.  My daughter was sitting in her room.  I pulled out my photo album from high school and called her into the kitchen.  I was furious!  I explained to her what could have happened, she kept saying these boys were only friends.  So I flipped open the photo album, pointed out the boy I dated for about 4 years.  I told her about the "gatherings" in his parents house when they were out of town.  I told her about the drinking and about how some of them would smoke pot, or drop acid, or take ecstasy (which was legal back then).  I told her about how we would sneak off and have sex.  Then I asked her "Do you know what came of this?" She shook her head no.  I went back to my bedroom and grabbed the picture of Ashley on my nightstand.  I showed it to her and told her this is what came out of it.

C was looking at the picture and I told her "This is your half sister, I had her when I was 18."  I gave her the cliff's notes version.  I told her this was the reason I didn't have her until I was 29, this was the reason she was an only child, this was the reason I can not hold babies.  She stood there in shock.  I told her about how I was paranoid that someone was lurking in the corners waiting to take C from me when she was an infant, this was the reason I was very protective of her, this was the reason I spoiled her.

My husband came home right in the middle of this.  C asked if this was the reason I acted weird in July and around the holidays, I told her yes.  She asked who knew, so I told her.  Then she started asking questions about Ashley, I told her what I could and I told her that I sent a message to Ashley the day before.  I asked her if she wanted to see a recent picture of her, she nodded yes.  We went to my computer and I pulled up a picture.  C stared at the picture for a few moments then said "Damn! She looks more like you than I do!" (Yes, C is allowed to use minor curse words as long as she can spell them properly, know the definition and use it in a sentence correctly and she can only use them at home)

We went back into the kitchen.  She asked my husband how long he knew.  He told her from the beginning, he thought I did that to push people away (I did).  What he did next floored me.  (When I first started getting info on Ashley my husband told me I had no right, I was no mother.  This infuriated me and I had told him when he miraculously grows a uterus and gives birth then maybe I will listen to his opinions, but until then shut up!)  

He told our daughter that he never had a uterus and he never spit out a child (His words, not mine) but he knew this not only hurts me, but this also affects all of us.  I was shocked!  Not only did the things I said to him 5 years ago stuck with him, but he finally understood that losing Ashley to adoption affected ALL of us and not just me!!

My husband explained to her that it's okay to talk about it, but she needed to be very selective about who she tells.  He told her that unfortunately we live in a society full of ignorant people and there is still a stigma attached to Birth Mothers and I could be under "attack" again like I was when I was 18.  We did tell her that she could talk to her best friends because I had already opened up to their mothers.

I don't know why I told her about Ashley, this certainly wasn't the way I wanted to tell her.  C took it better than I expected.  She hugged me and told me she loved me.

The following morning as I was taking C to the doctor for her check up and sports physical she asked if I checked my messages.  I told her I didn't and I didn't expect a response anytime soon.  My brilliant child smiled at me and said, "Ashley didn't want contact before because I didn't know about her.  Now that I know about her she will respond."  That would be amazing if it really did work out that way!!

Later that Friday afternoon I received a text from F.  She knew how everything played out the night before.  F said, "I went home for lunch.  C came up to me grinning from ear to ear, she asked if she knew about her good news.  I asked what good news and she said I have an older half-sister"

Everything will be okay, the cat is officially out of the bag.  No more secrets.  I actually made direct contact with Ashley and hopefully she will respond, so I can let her little half-sister know.  If the response is negative then I know I will still be okay...no more secrets.

An Emotional Week

Last week was a very emotional week.  I wasn't eating or sleeping much, my First Daughter's upcoming birthday wasn't the whole reason. Back in November 2009 there was a murder where my Daughter I am raising was having a tennis class.  This murder was upsetting to everyone in our community because this has never happened before.  It is more upsetting to me because I was one of the people who went to help this young man.  One Mom on the phone with 911, one Mom watching for the Ambulance who saw more than I did, I was doing first aid and checking for signs of life, the Tennis Coach did CPR and another Mom who ran up later to help watch for the Ambulance.

This park held many years of happy memories for me and this park is right behind the Middle School where my daughter will be starting school this fall.  For me it was too close to home!

Two days after the murder I found out who the victim was and I found out how old he was...he was four months and two days older than my First Daughter.  Every since then it became more personal to me...what if that was my First Daughter?  I don't know why I kept thinking that, maybe because a Mother lost her son that night.  Or maybe it was the realization that something could happen to my First Daughter and I would never be told.

The trial started last Monday.  Even though I did not see the murder take place I was brought in as a witness, I guess to "paint a picture" and make the victim a human being.  Needless to say, I was a wreck!  Not much sleep and jumpy!

Strange things were happening last week.  A friend of mine was called in for jury duty for this trial and he was dismissed before he had the chance to tell them he knew a witness.

I found out my sister use to work for the Defense Attorney 11 years ago.  I very emotional on the stand, but I was able to get the Defense Attorney to back off by telling him I was there to save a life, not focus on evidence.

I did get to meet the victim's family after I testified, my heart went out to the Mother.  On Thursday I went back to hear closing arguments.  One of the victim's family members looked familiar to me, turns out we use to work together 6 years ago.  Small world!

On Friday less than 24 hours after the judge charged the Jury the Judge announced a mistrial because the jury was hung.  My heart sank.  This isn't over.

Saturday was my First Daughter's birthday.  I was looking forward to going into work to be distracted so I could make it through the day.  I was quickly confined to our break room for a couple of hours and I didn't have any clients on my books.  Later I find out there was a client there talking about the trial and how one of the guys who participated in the fight that led to the murder was her next door neighbor.  She kept talking about how violent this kid was and how she had been calling the police on him for the last 8 years.

On Sunday, for some strange reason, I looked up where the Defendant lived.  He lives 5 minutes walking distance from me!  Great, hopefully the Defendant will be too busy celebrating the mistrial and not check to see if there is a witness living close by.

I guess now I am "decompressing"...waiting to hear about a retrial and waiting for some sign from my First Daughter.

Horrified

My boyfriend and I were together since September 1985.  I adored him, I thought he hung the moon.  After we started dating he brought me around to meet his family.  His Mom, "Joyce", was wonderful to me, I thought of her as a Mom since mine was too busy with her own life to pay any attention to me.  "Joyce" was good to me, we were close.

In April 1988 I told "Joyce" I was pregnant.  She cried then she started making plans for where the baby and I would live since we both knew my Mom would kick me out if I kept the baby.  She was going on about how I could live in the seedy government housing and how I would have to apply for government assistance and she and her Mother would help me support the baby.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing...I wasn't raised to accept "hand-outs" and she looked down on people who were on welfare.  I couldn't get past living in the apartments she was expecting me to go to...those apartments terrified me!!  Someone was getting shot, raped, and/or murdered over there...I didn't want my baby and I to live in fear.

It was June 1988.  "Joyce" wanted to go with me to the "Agency", she wanted to see for herself what they were saying to me so she could try to undo the damage they were doing.  I knew this was her intention from the beginning, I wanted her to help me figure out a way to keep my baby without having to move into that awful apartment complex.  I saw a side of "Joyce" that day I never knew existed....

This meeting started out as normal.  The Counselor and "Joyce" talked, the Counselor got some basic background info from her and "Joyce" asked questions and got the same answers I got, I sat in a chair next to "Joyce".  The Counselor explained it was a closed adoption because open adoptions were too confusing and just didn't work.  She talked about the parents who were "next in line" for a baby.  "Joyce" asked about the religious upbringing, the Counselor looked a little confused, I was a little confused.  Didn't she notice the huge sign on the building saying Jewish Family Services?  Granted, I was young and naive, but even I knew my baby was going to a Jewish Family.

I was Methodist, my best friend in elementary school who lived across the street from me was Jewish.  There wasn't a thing wrong with them.  My friend's Mother always had warm hugs for me, she treated me like I was one of her kids, every morning when I walked over there before school to get my friend she would always tell me I was too skinny and I needed to get inside and eat.  I use to go to Temple with them until my Adoptive Father put a stop to it.  So I never saw a problem with my baby being raised in a Jewish Family, as long as the family was warm and loving like my friend's family.  (It was years later when I realized that when my First Daughter came around we would always have Christmas)

When the Counselor said the child would be raised Jewish the shit hit the fan!  I saw a side to "Joyce" I never knew existed.  This woman was so full of hatred, the things coming out of her mouth were horrible!!  I was honestly scared for me and my baby.

You can tell in the 20+ years the Counselor has been brainwashing unwed Mothers she had never come across this in her own office.  The look on her face scared me even more.  I wanted to run out that door and keep running.  The Counselor's response wasn't what I expected...she didn't have on her "Counselor Hat".  She very calmly and firmly told "Joyce" off, to sum it up she told her she was nothing but a piece of ignorant, racist trash (she doesn't use those words exactly).  The Counselor was scared for me, she wasn't afraid that I wouldn't relinquish my baby, she was afraid of what "Joyce" would do to me.

"Joyce" was escorted off of the property, the Agency's driver brought me home.  I was in shock. I had never run across anyone with so much hatred in their heart.  My boyfriend and I decided it was best that we kept his Mother as far away from me as possible.  

At the end of August 1988 I told her I had the baby in July.  She went into a panic and started calling attorney's to see what she could do.  They all said the same thing...she had no legal right.  

Things were definately different between us after that.  The way she acted you would have thought I handed my baby over to a Satanic Cult.  So as the years pass on and my First Daughter gets older I get anxious, almost fearful...she has no clue that her paternal grandmother would turn her back on her because she is Jewish.  My First Daughter also doesn't know what I had to endure to protect her from the most hateful bigot I have ever met in my entire life.

Can't decide on which distraction to obsess over

My husband tells people I have ADD/OCD, I can't decide on which distraction to obsess over.  People seem to find the humor in this, but they don't realize how true this statement is about me.  What they don't know is that I need to focus in on a distraction (I prefer positive distractions) so I don't go crazy trying to figure out why my First Daughter still wants nothing to do with me.

So far this summer has been filled with all kinds of distractions I would honestly wish to go away, especially right now.  Every July I seem to be on edge, sometimes I just start crying for what people think is for no reason.  What some don't know is that my First Daughter's birthday is on July 23rd, this year she will be 23 years old.  23 years of trying to cope with losing a child to adoption.

The Murder Trial I was suppose to be a witness for has been postponed to July 18th.  Great...just what I needed added to my plate the week of my First Daughter's birthday.  This is starting to get a little annoying for me.  Not only am I remembering the vivid details surrounding the birth of "Ashley" and our time spent together in the hospital, but I am also remembering vivid details of this murder.  You would think this trial would be enough to distract me...but no...I am a master at juggling things!  *Sigh*

My youngest daughter is currently spending two weeks in Florida with the Grandparents.  My In-laws believe children should be seen and not heard. I think this visit has been quite an eye opener for them (and my little one).  They have now realized that we are raising this 12 year old to speak up and not let people walk all over her.  She'll be home in two days...I think we will all be glad when she's back home.

While my youngest is in Florida my husband and I finally had enough of my daughter's synchronized ice skating coach.  We pulled our daughter off the team.  Now I'm dealing with 8 other Mom's bitching at me because we questioned the coach's abilities.  Seriously?  Everyone of them bitched and complained behind the coach's back, but when someone says something they freak out and turn on the person who wasn't a chicken shit and actually said enough was enough.  Right now I'm very confused, why would parents teach their children to talk behind people's backs and then be a chicken shit towards the person who stands up?  Younger Daughter doesn't know about this yet, we are waiting to tell her when she gets home.  She'll be upset that we are not going to San Diego for the State Games of America, but she will be relieved.  Her private coach has already told her that she wanted her on the Intermediate Synchronized Skate Team.

So I have all of this going on...the same time I am trying to cope with the fact that my First Daughter will be turning 23 in 20 days and so far she doesn't give a crap about me, her First Mother.

Hurry up and be done with July!!!