Friday, September 16, 2011

Alien Pod People

My Mother wasn't around much after my parents divorced when I was 7.  She went back to school, she got her associates degree, then went on to get her bachelor's degree and finally her master's degree.  Education was very important to her, she married when she was 18 then had me five years later.  So her dreams of a college education was put on hold for 12 years.  I'm not sure how she did it, but she managed to go to college full-time and work full-time, I guess my sister and I were the sacrifice.  If my sister or I ever did anything to get into trouble the question my Mother always asked was "Are you doing this to keep me from going to school?"  Of course this would make us feel horribly guilty.  So from a very early age I learned that my Mother's school and career came first.

Growing up I feared my mother more than anything.  She wasn't physically abusive, she was mean...maybe she was just grouchy from work and school and being a single parent for a little while, who knows.  My pregnancy certainly did not soften her up any, instead she became cruel, she titled her master thesis "Legs in the air syndrome", this paper was turned in a year after I delivered Ashley.  Needless to say, I was not close to my mother.  She was an angry woman and I couldn't wait to get away from her.

When I was 25 years old I moved from Dallas to San Antonio with my boyfriend (who later became my ex-husband).  I was looking at this as a way to escape from everyone and everything.  I can remember leaving behind an empty box in a storage space with a piece of paper, on the paper was a list of things (and people) I wanted to leave behind, my mother was on that list.

We moved back to Dallas after 13 months.  While living down there something inside me was pulling me back to Dallas.  I could never explain it without sounding like some kind of nut.  I figured it was because Dallas was my home, I was a second generation Dallas Native and my entire family was there.  In 2006 when I received the information on Ashley from an amazing search angel I realized that I had to go back because of Ashley.  I had always lived close by to where she was growing up and I never knew it!!

While I was in San Antonio my Mother remarried this man she had been dating for a couple of years.  After I moved back I noticed something had changed, I don't know if it was me, or if it was my mother.  Slowly I started talking to my mother again.  This wasn't the same person that raised me.  My mother was happy, she joked around, she would tell me she loved me and she would hug and kiss me.  Holy Crap!  Did alien pod people take over my mother's body while I was in San Antonio??

For ten years our relationship started improving and I think my super awesome step-daddy had something to do with this.  I never wanted to question it, I just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.  

When I started receiving information about Ashley I did keep it from my mother, I did not want to hear the same hateful crap she use to say when I was pregnant.  Finally, a few months passed when I decided I was going to tell her.  I told her all of the information I had received, where she grew up, where she was going to college, etc.  I braced myself, ready to fight back when something happened that threw me for a complete loop.  My Mother started to cry and started apologizing for the way she treated me and she wished she had never made me give up Ashley.  I was dumbfounded.  I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  

Who the hell was this woman?  This was not the same woman that raised me!  I swear alien pod people really did take over my mother!!

I couldn't take it anymore, I had to ask.  I asked her when did she have a change of heart.  She told me she noticed she was treating my sister and I the exact same way her mother treated her and her sister.  (This will be another post later) She didn't like what she was becoming so she tried to change.  I was shocked!!

So today, everytime I find some tidbit of information, or a picture, or if I get some hairbrain idea I call her.  She gets excited over the little things I come across, gets sad when the holidays come around, and she helps calm me back down when I start to get extremely anxious.  A few weeks ago my mother said something that had me stunned.  All these years I thought I was the only one dealing with losing a child to mother told my daughter that not only did I miss out on raising Ashley, but she also missed out on being a part of her first grandchild's life.

Yep, I believe Alien Pod People took over my mother's body...and I am totally cool with that, because my Mom is pretty awesome.


Susie said...

Wow! You are so very lucky. What I wouldn't give to have been able to see my mom become happy before she passed away. I too grew up with a very angry mom (and dad). What I wouldn't give to have the chance now to talk to my mom about Christopher...

Thanks for sharing this story about your mom. It lets me imagine "what if" with a positive ending!

birthmothertalks said...

Thanks for sharing this story. I think adoption has ruined lots of Mother daughter relationships including mine.

In Blind Faith said...

I agree, I do think adoption ruins a lot of mother daughter relationships. I'm glad that my mother finally realized how painful adoption is and our relationship is mending. I just wish other Maternal First Grandmothers would just open their eyes and acknowledge how wrong it was to separate their daughters from their first children.