The response was sent a couple of days ago...via email. Now it's time to wait, again. I'm not a patient person so I have to stay busy to keep myself from climbing the walls so I have created a list of things to do while impatiently waiting...
Things to do: Scrapbooks!
I'm not talking just one, I'm talking 7 scrapbooks, each one just alike. I started this little (more like overwhelmingly HUGE) project at the end of August. These scrapbooks are actually Christmas presents (one of them is mine). Back in 2009 my Mom, Aunt, Sister and I drove straight through to California to get my Uncle who my Mom and Aunt haven't seen since 1963. His health was failing and we weren't going to let him be alone so we went out there to pack him up and bring him to Texas. This road trip was certainly an adventure! My Aunt handed me a journal and told me I had to write everything down. Well, I didn't want to do it so I ended up writing about the off the wall stuff...like how my sister and I were wearing matching PJ's while on the road and how we ended up in a field of prairie dogs, giant arrows that I threw myself in front of so it looked like my sister was stabbing me, giant fiberglass dinosaurs that my sister and I were underneath pretending like we were about to be eaten. I even wrote about the Kamikaze Butterflies that were attacking the truck when we were on the highway. I wrote about the crazy stuff and I had pictures that went with most of the entries. We still laugh about some of the crazy things my sister and I did on this trip. My half Uncle who had been packed up and thrown into a truck with 4 women for 3 days was certainly a good sport. He passed away 7 months later and during those 7 months he talked about how the trip leaving his home of 35 years and coming to be with his sisters was the best trip ever.
So I thought it was a brilliant distraction for me to put everything together in a scrapbook, for each of us to have. Why should I be the only one to have the journal and the pictures??
I drew the little picture for the front of the scrapbooks. It is a little skull with sparkly eyes and a tiara. The skull sits above a pair of panties and each pair of panties has a different saying (mines says "I miss the internet"). The words in the circle say "Pirate Princesses", that's what my sister and I kept calling ourselves.
When I started the scrapbooks I thought it was a good idea to put in a warning since there are some "colorful" words and references in the journal. At least this way I can say they were warned!! Yes, I did mention prairie dogs, small yap yap dogs, naked sheep and fiberglass dinosaurs in the warning. I thought it was best to cover all of my bases.
Each journal entry was re-written...seven times!! When I originally wrote the journal I used different colored ink for each entry, why use the same boring color for the adventures that were waiting for us?? Because I am a little OCD I had sharpies to match what I used in the journal. I also "created" notebook paper out of card stock. Hey, I want the scrapbook to last and I was trying to stay distracted!!
(that is the picture of me laying spread eagle in front of the arrow and my sister behind the staff pretending to stab me.) I tried to match up all of the pictures with the journal entries. The scrapbooks are just about done. Thanks to this project I have been able to keep myself from obsessing over my email. Thankfully my Aunt and a Cousin are coming in for Christmas so I don't have to ship these scrapbooks off...that would cost a fortune!!! So there you go...something to keep me from climbing the walls while waiting for Ashley to respond to my email. And it is something that my family would love :-D
"Good news is that the agency will be there for me if and when I am ready."
This sentence, this single sentence is absolutely killing me. Every time I read it I start crying. Good news? How is that good news? Really?
She has absolutely no idea what happened, not a single clue. She believes adoption is a beautiful thing.
Damn that effing adoption kool aid!!!
If and when she is ready what is she going to find out? You can't know a person from a piece of paper and God only knows what kind crap is in that file. They already told me they can't find the letters, the cards, the little gifts I left for her...they acted like it was no big deal. These "wonderful" people at the agency threw me away like some piece of crap stuck to the bottom of their shoe.
Good news?
How could it possibly be good news for me? I'm the one who sat there each week and listen to "The Brainwasher" carry on about what a shame it was that I was pregnant because she could see me dating her son (gross!).
No there was no care or concern coming from her.
Just her telling me if I kept my baby my boyfriend would leave me and the baby and I would be living in a cardboard box under I-20. Or I would be raising my child in one abusive relationship after another because no decent man would want a tainted woman.This woman, this one woman managed to destroy every ounce of confidence I had in myself!!
Every time I said "My baby" the woman yelled at me telling me this was not my baby, I had no right to this baby. (the baby wasn't even born yet) Once I mentioned I wanted to keep my baby and the woman nearly choked on the handfuls of dry cereal she kept shoving in her mouth...she told me if I kept my baby they could take me to court and get my baby from me because I was an unfit, "loose" woman and I didn't stand a chance in court against them.
Sometimes she would tell me stories of this couple who she thought would be perfect. They were rich, had a nice, big, beautiful house and so desperately wanted a baby. They were from Dallas and lived in a very upscale neighborhood. They had been married for seven years and had tried to get pregnant since they got married and unfortunately the wife was just not capable of conceiving and they have been waiting on "the list" for the last seven years. There would be no way I would ever cross paths with them.
And the lies go on and on and on and on....
It took 18 years for me to find out about them. They are not from Dallas. They were not married for seven years. The neighborhood was about 10 miles from my neighborhood...not in the area the Brainwasher described. They were not on "the list" for seven years. The wife did give birth to her own biological child a few years after they adopted Ashley. And has for crossing paths...well, I think our paths started crossing as early as 1989.
Ashley has no clue. She has absolutely no idea that the "Good news" has been my freaking nightmare all these years.
I can't come out and throw all that on the table, that would surely scare the daylights out of her and right now it would not be necessary to fill her in on that subject. And if she is as stubborn as I am then she wouldn't listen anyway, she would have to find out for herself.
Am I getting upset over nothing?? The way she wrote the email I can tell she trying to be stand offish and guarded, that's fine...I understand that. But the "Good news" part...that is absolutely killing me right now.
And I thought waiting in Limbo for the last 6 years was tough...
I am so FREAKING excited....and nervous, scared, thrilled...just about every emotion is running through me!!
Yesterday morning I was checking my email and there was an email that caught my attention. I started shaking and tears started running down my face and I was so scared I was felling nauseous.
Could it be?
Can it really be what I think it is?
I open up the email and OMG! Butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I just received an email from Ashley!!
I read the email a couple of times, was I dreaming this? Nope, it's real.
I sent a text to a friend who helped me with the video to let her know and then I called my Mom. Mom kept saying "read it! read it!" I told Mom I wanted to throw up, so Mom kept telling me to breathe, it was going to be okay. So I read her the email.
My head was spinning.
In the email she thanked me, thanked me for the video, thanked me for the package. She said the video had answered some questions she had wondered about and she was pleasantly surprised with what I said I the video and the video left her feeling warmth, calm and a sense of resolution.
I honestly didn't think she would watch the video this soon...hell....I wasn't expecting a response this quick!!!
There are a few things that did send me on the defensive real quick. Way back when I talked about a friend of hers who came to me one day and the friend figured out who I was and then the friend had come back a few days later. Well, Ashley is upset with me because her friend had carried this burden on her shoulders. WHOA! Hold the phone!! I didn't search out the friend, the friend was a client who figured out who I was. When the friend asked me what to do I told her only she knew the answer to that, she is an adult, I can not tell her what to do, she knows Ashley and knows if she should tell her or not. I did tell her if Ashley was anything like me she would be upset if she ever found out the friend met me and never said anything. So the friend carrying this burden is my fault, how?
Then Ashley tells me that adoption is very personal and doesn't like that I talk about it. What? Yes, adoption is very personal. But there is no way in hell I am going to go back into that God Forsaken Birth Mother Closet of Secrecy. Okay, breathe...she grew up on the kool-aid....in time she will know....she grew up on the kool-aid....she grew up on the kool-aid.
The last thing she mentions that threw me on the defensive was that the Agency will be there for her when she is ready...she will go to the Agency. Yes, the Agency that coerced, threatened, manipulated me so they could take my child. The Agency lied to me, if they lied to me then chances are pretty good they lied to Ashley's Adoptive Parents, and if they lied to us they will lie to Ashley.
Okay, I need to stop working this over....
I got an email!!!
She gave a list of her interests...it was like reading a description of me...it was crazy!! I LOVED it!!
While I was busy freaking out over the email on the phone to Mom my sister sent me a text. I called my sister and she said she had a feeling something big was happening with me and she wanted to check on me. I asked her "Big like I got an email?" My sister was so excited she cried. She also told me about having weird dreams about strangers being around during the holidays, so I told her about my dream last Thursday night about Ashley being with us at Christmas. We were both quiet for a moment...who knows, guess we will just have to wait and see...with our fingers crossed.
I wanted to let y'all know I got and email and I'm so excited!! I haven't responded back yet because I need to get past those few things that threw me on the defensive. I don't want the response to be defensive or sound bitchy. Just because I got off the kool-aid doesn't mean that Ashley even knows she has a choice to refuse the kool-aid.
I was 18 years old when I lost my First Daughter, Ashley, to adoption in July of 1988. I went through Jewish Family Services where they told me my daughter deserved a better life. They filled my head with pretty lies about how happy she will be and what a wonderful life she will have.
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
Later they would also tell me that I had no right to my child, she belongs to them and if I changed my mind they would take me to court to get my baby and make me pay the thousands of dollars for the medical expenses and time wasted by the Agency. I was coerced, they had me backed in a corner, they never once told me I was capable of raising my child, instead they said I can't.
Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?
They kept me in the dark, they never spoke the truth. I did what they said and I was a "Good Birth Mother". In blind faith I trusted them, it was going against what my heart was saying, but I had no one to help me. My family closed their ears, eyes and hearts to my situation. They believed the lies too.
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense
I stayed in touch with the Agency like they told me to do, I sent letters, cards and gifts to Ashley, like they suggested, but they mysteriously disappeared. They promised me Ashley and I will reunite. I had hope, I had faith, I refused to believe I could be so manipulated.
Spinning Infinity Boy the wheel is spinning me It's never ending, never ending Same old story
July 2006 the kool-aid was starting to wear off, things weren't what they seem. I was beginning to believe I was lied to. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks...I was lied to...they lied to me to get my baby.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
No more, I will no longer play by their rules. They manipulated me, they played on my worst fears so they could take my baby...like so many other agencies do. I have been left feeling nothing but regret, shame, and feeling absolutely worthless. In silence I was left with a longing, a broken heart from being separated from my child.
In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print, we are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story
I am just another Birth Mother who lost their child to adoption. The Agency got what they wanted, they used me and then they threw me away...like I was a piece of trash. They don't care about me, they can care less if I am ever reunited. Actually, I believe they prefer we are not reunited so Ashley would never know the truth.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
The "Counselor" would say every once in a while "There is something about your eyes, your smile." She didn't realize it, but it was a look a Birth Mother with some fight left in her. She may have succeeded all those years ago in getting my child, but what she didn't realize was that once I regained my strength, I was going to fight back.
I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face mirrorin' your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right, I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down, bring you to your knees
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you?
It took me a long time, but I finally saw things for what they are. I am not a whore, I am not worthless, I am not some piece of trash...and I certainly will not remain silent!
Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend
They can not keep me in the dark anymore. I will not play along with their little game and spread the lies when it comes to adoption. Domestic Infant Adoption is not a beautiful thing, it is a dirty, filthy institution that is allowed to coerce women into relinquishing their parental rights so they can make money off of the innocent children.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
Being a Birth Mother is painful. I have been left with a painful void in my heart. Unfortunately, I will have to continue living my life never knowing Ashley, never experiencing her childhood. Adoption took my baby and threw me away and convinced her that I am insignificant.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
I will no longer surrender. I will do everything I can to make sure my truth is heard, along with other truths from other Birth Mothers. I can not stand silently by and allow another family to be destroyed.
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
So who am I? My name is Veronica, my friends call me Roni. I am a Mother of two who is raising one. My first daughter was lost to adoption when I was 18 years old in July of 1988. Adoption destroyed my family and 23 years later it still prevents my First Daughter from knowing the family she came from. I may not be able to repair the damage adoption has caused me, but I can help prevent other young Mothers from falling victim to the adoption lies.
Well, I did it! After five years of running and tripping over obstacles in my way I finally jumped over that hurdle roadblock. I don't know how I did yet, but I took a deep breath and I jumped! I took a flying leap over that hurdle roadblock!!!
I honestly don't know what came over me. At first I was going to send a small package, but a friend said that would really freak her out and make her think I was stalking, even though I was not. The last thing I wanted to do was to scare her and make her think I was stalking her. Why does adoption have to be so horrible? Oh that's right, because adoption sucks!
I decided to send a message via "a social networking site" to my First Daughter. I was very hesitant about making contact this way, I always wanted to send her a handwritten letter with a small gift. Since I was having a difficult time getting a mailing address for her I decided it needed to be done this way. I guess one way I can look at this is that she doesn't have to worry about hiding a letter or explaining where this gift came from. A message could be easily hidden from prying eyes...she can keep it a secret if she feels like she needs to.
Maybe I finally had enough of just quietly sitting and patiently waiting. If Ashley is like me then she's sitting there doing the same thing, quietly, patiently waiting...not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't know for sure if the adoptive parents are controlling her and if they are then that is just sad. I'm an adult, not a child...Ashley is an adult and also not a child. I will not allow possible insecurities dictate what I can and can not do. The a-parents can not control me, but I can try to make contact while being considerate of their feelings, which is more than what they have given me. I do hope that one day I will be able to embrace the a-parents and reassure them that I am not trying to step in and be Mom or be a second Mom. I just want the opportunity to get to know my First Daughter and hopefully have her in my life someday.
So I bit the bullet. I composed a simple message. I took a deep breath and I hit send. I'm not expecting a response anytime soon. If she is like me then she will probably freak out when she sees it, closes the message and walks away then comes back to look at it several (hundred) times. She might try to respond only to delete what she had written and then try to re-write it several (hundred) times. She might get flustered and have to call her friends to help her process so she can find her words. I know that is what I would do...if it will be a positive response.
So whatever comes of this I hope it is positive. I hope that Ashley and I can build a solid foundation for a relationship and I hope that one day in the future I can also get to know the a-parents and build some kind of relationship with them too. I guess at this point it is what it is and I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And for some reason I'm not a basketcase over this, I actually feel a little lighter.
Hopefully, I successfully cleared that hurdle roadblock and I didn't trip up and fall to the ground...
