Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I Got An Email!!!

I am so FREAKING excited....and nervous, scared, thrilled...just about every emotion is running through me!!

Yesterday morning I was checking my email and there was an email that caught my attention.  I started shaking and tears started running down my face and I was so scared I was felling nauseous.

Could it be?

Can it really be what I think it is?

I open up the email and OMG!  Butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I just received an email from Ashley!!

I read the email a couple of times, was I dreaming this?  Nope, it's real.

I sent a text to a friend who helped me with the video to let her know and then I called my Mom.  Mom kept saying "read it!  read it!"  I told Mom I wanted to throw up, so Mom kept telling me to breathe, it was going to be okay.  So I read her the email. 

My head was spinning.

In the email she thanked me, thanked me for the video, thanked me for the package.  She said the video had answered some questions she had wondered about and she was pleasantly surprised with what I said I the video and the video left her feeling warmth, calm and a sense of resolution.

I honestly didn't think she would watch the video this soon...hell....I wasn't expecting a response this quick!!!

There are a few things that did send me on the defensive real quick.  Way back when I talked about a friend of hers who came to me one day and the friend figured out who I was and then the friend had come back a few days later.  Well, Ashley is upset with me because her friend had carried this burden on her shoulders.  WHOA!  Hold the phone!!  I didn't search out the friend, the friend was a client who figured out who I was.  When the friend asked me what to do I told her only she knew the answer to that, she is an adult, I can not tell her what to do, she knows Ashley and knows if she should tell her or not.  I did tell her if Ashley was anything like me she would be upset if she ever found out the friend met me and never said anything.  So the friend carrying this burden is my fault, how?

 Then Ashley tells me that adoption is very personal and doesn't like that I talk about it.  What?  Yes, adoption is very personal.  But there is no way in hell I am going to go back into that God Forsaken Birth Mother Closet of Secrecy.  Okay, breathe...she grew up on the kool-aid....in time she will know....she grew up on the kool-aid....she grew up on the kool-aid.

The last thing she mentions that threw me on the defensive was that the Agency will be there for her when she is ready...she will go to the Agency.  Yes, the Agency that coerced, threatened, manipulated me so they could take my child.  The Agency lied to me, if they lied to me then chances are pretty good they lied to Ashley's Adoptive Parents, and if they lied to us they will lie to Ashley.

Okay, I need to stop working this over....

I got an email!!!

She gave a list of her interests...it was like reading a description of me...it was crazy!!  I LOVED it!!

Now the funny thing is...Friday I posted about that feeling I had....looks like this was it!!  YAY!!!

While I was busy freaking out over the email on the phone to Mom my sister sent me a text.  I called my sister and she said she had a feeling something big was happening with me and she wanted to check on me.  I asked her "Big like I got an email?"  My sister was so excited she cried.  She also told me about having weird dreams about strangers being around during the holidays, so I told her about my dream last Thursday night about Ashley being with us at Christmas.  We were both quiet for a moment...who knows, guess we will just have to wait and see...with our fingers crossed.

I wanted to let y'all know I got and email and I'm so excited!!  I haven't responded back yet because I need to get past those few things that threw me on the defensive.  I don't want the response to be defensive or sound bitchy.  Just because I got off the kool-aid doesn't mean that Ashley even knows she has a choice to refuse the kool-aid.



Real Daughter said...

Im so happy for you!!

Jenn said...

Yup, she's been drinking the kool-aid. It sucks but then again, I was there too and I'm sure I said some equally bad (though well-intentioned) things to my natural mother in my first email.

I'm so happy she emailed you! I can't stop smiling over this! I feel like as long as you both have patience, you'll be able to work through minor things (because that's really all this stuff is).

Deep breath. Now the work really begins! (((hugs)))

Kellie C said...

I'm so happy for you!

Kellie C said...

I'm so excited for you!

Susie said...

I am SO VERY happy for you!!!!!!! As hard as it is, try to not take a defensive stance with those comments. Either ignore them all together or just keep the reply about it short and factual (not emotional).

There are some things that my son is still deeply in the fog about ~ it is so hard to not try to throw him out of that fog. I look at it as something that's just going to take time. I was in my 40's before I stopped believing all the kool-aid, it may take that long for him too.

Again ~ I am so very, very happy for you!!!!!

birthmothertalks said...

I am so thrilled for you!!! This is the best news that you could share. What does she mean the agency will be there when she is ready? As in counseling or more contact? Sorry about the tone about her not liking to talk about adoption. It could be that her family don't want to talk about it and she grew up thinking she couldn't talk about.

Angelle said...

Good for you - the first of many steps!

In Blind Faith said...

I'm working on the reply. I re-wrote the draft several times yesterday. I am going to address the friend situation, i think I can finally respond to that without being defensive.

I'm hoping my response will help her put her guard down a little bit. As far as the Agency thing...well, hopefully I can keep communication going between the two of us so if and when she goes to the Agency she will see how they manipulated and lied to me. If she is as stubborn as I am then she will need to see this for herself. Until then I must remember...she's on the kool aid and I need to take this at HER pace.

My head is still spinning from the email :-)

Sara said...

So happy for you that you received a reply! I'm so glad that she reached out! Good luck on the next steps! I'll keep sending good thoughts your way.