Do I Fess Up...Or Not?

November 2009 I was on the scene of a murder victim, I was doing first aid and applying pressure to a fatal stab wound.  They were four other people there that night, each of us taking a part in trying to save a young man's life.  My Mother kept telling me it became person because I touched him, I literally had his blood on my hand...but that isn't why I turned into an emotional mess.

No, it was personal because thoughts of my First Daughter came to mind. 

The first trial was last July, the week of Ashley's birthday.  That trial ended in a hung jury.  The re-trial was last February, it ended in a "Not Guilty" verdict which stunned everyone...even the defendants family was surprised their son got off on a murder charge.

It was time to let these memories go...and so I did.

I am still in touch with the victim's family.  They are the kind of people you would want to wrap in your arms and protect from the world.  It still breaks my heart that the Mother lost her son that night, but I am still here for her when she needs me.  After the second trial we got together for lunch with Caroline who was a juror from the first trial who helped Prosecution the second time around and has been with the family since after the first trial.  I ended up telling Caroline why this was so personal to me, she was understanding.  I felt some relief telling her...maybe that was why I was able to let the memories of that awful night go.

Last night Shelly, the victim's Mother, called me to invite me to a get together her family and friends are having at park close by on March 31st.  I told her I didn't get off work until 6pm and that was when their gathering was ending.  She told me they always linger so they will be out there after 6pm, I promised her I would call when I got off work to see if they were still there and I will come out.  She was happy and she promised me there would be food I could eat...Pakastani food is really good, but really spicy and I told her at our luncheon I was a wussy when it came to spicy food.

After the details about the event were squared away I asked how she was doing.  She told me she tells everyone she is just fine and I told her she is allowed to have her bad days.  Shelly has been having a lot of bad days since last February, it is understandable.  She told me her son would be 24 in a few days.  I slipped and told her I had found out when his birthday was...crap!  She asked how I knew and thought it was sweet that I would remember something like that.  I didn't mean to let that slip out that I knew his birthday.

Shelly is a very sweet and warm person, she is the kind of person that you could spill your deepest, darkest secrets to and she would never judge you...she would embrace you and surround you with her love and kindness.

When we hung up I felt this huge weight on me again, I felt guilty.  Whenever she tells me how much she appreciates us staying with her son that night trying to save him I really start feeling guilty.  I don't feel bad for trying to help him, I would do that for anyone (I have done it twice before, but they were able to walk away).

I feel guilty because I want to tell her the reason this was so personal to me...I want to tell her about losing Ashley and that Ashley would be turning 24 in July.  I still don't understand why I feel like I am keeping a huge secret from her.  I want to tell her, but I don't want to discount what she is going through.  Her son being murder is different than me losing my daughter to adoption.  We both lost our first born children, but we lost them in two completely different ways.  Her son won't be coming back and my First Daughter is out there refusing to even acknowledge that I gave birth to her.

Why am I feeling so guilty?  This eats at me every time I talk to Shelly.  

Shelly has invited me to an event a Human Rights Group is putting on the first week of April.  The event is being held in memory of her son and this group set up a scholarship for students studying Criminal Justice at this exclusive private University where this event is being held.  Caroline and I plan on being there for the family.  This University where this event will be is the same University Ashley graduated from. 

I am still trying to figure out what to do...tell her or not.

I know if I tell her the guilt will lift from me, but I don't want her to feel like I am discounting her feelings.

Damn closed adoption!

An Emotional Week

Last week was a very emotional week.  I wasn't eating or sleeping much, my First Daughter's upcoming birthday wasn't the whole reason. Back in November 2009 there was a murder where my Daughter I am raising was having a tennis class.  This murder was upsetting to everyone in our community because this has never happened before.  It is more upsetting to me because I was one of the people who went to help this young man.  One Mom on the phone with 911, one Mom watching for the Ambulance who saw more than I did, I was doing first aid and checking for signs of life, the Tennis Coach did CPR and another Mom who ran up later to help watch for the Ambulance.

This park held many years of happy memories for me and this park is right behind the Middle School where my daughter will be starting school this fall.  For me it was too close to home!

Two days after the murder I found out who the victim was and I found out how old he was...he was four months and two days older than my First Daughter.  Every since then it became more personal to me...what if that was my First Daughter?  I don't know why I kept thinking that, maybe because a Mother lost her son that night.  Or maybe it was the realization that something could happen to my First Daughter and I would never be told.

The trial started last Monday.  Even though I did not see the murder take place I was brought in as a witness, I guess to "paint a picture" and make the victim a human being.  Needless to say, I was a wreck!  Not much sleep and jumpy!

Strange things were happening last week.  A friend of mine was called in for jury duty for this trial and he was dismissed before he had the chance to tell them he knew a witness.

I found out my sister use to work for the Defense Attorney 11 years ago.  I very emotional on the stand, but I was able to get the Defense Attorney to back off by telling him I was there to save a life, not focus on evidence.

I did get to meet the victim's family after I testified, my heart went out to the Mother.  On Thursday I went back to hear closing arguments.  One of the victim's family members looked familiar to me, turns out we use to work together 6 years ago.  Small world!

On Friday less than 24 hours after the judge charged the Jury the Judge announced a mistrial because the jury was hung.  My heart sank.  This isn't over.

Saturday was my First Daughter's birthday.  I was looking forward to going into work to be distracted so I could make it through the day.  I was quickly confined to our break room for a couple of hours and I didn't have any clients on my books.  Later I find out there was a client there talking about the trial and how one of the guys who participated in the fight that led to the murder was her next door neighbor.  She kept talking about how violent this kid was and how she had been calling the police on him for the last 8 years.

On Sunday, for some strange reason, I looked up where the Defendant lived.  He lives 5 minutes walking distance from me!  Great, hopefully the Defendant will be too busy celebrating the mistrial and not check to see if there is a witness living close by.

I guess now I am "decompressing"...waiting to hear about a retrial and waiting for some sign from my First Daughter.

Can't decide on which distraction to obsess over

My husband tells people I have ADD/OCD, I can't decide on which distraction to obsess over.  People seem to find the humor in this, but they don't realize how true this statement is about me.  What they don't know is that I need to focus in on a distraction (I prefer positive distractions) so I don't go crazy trying to figure out why my First Daughter still wants nothing to do with me.

So far this summer has been filled with all kinds of distractions I would honestly wish to go away, especially right now.  Every July I seem to be on edge, sometimes I just start crying for what people think is for no reason.  What some don't know is that my First Daughter's birthday is on July 23rd, this year she will be 23 years old.  23 years of trying to cope with losing a child to adoption.

The Murder Trial I was suppose to be a witness for has been postponed to July 18th.  Great...just what I needed added to my plate the week of my First Daughter's birthday.  This is starting to get a little annoying for me.  Not only am I remembering the vivid details surrounding the birth of "Ashley" and our time spent together in the hospital, but I am also remembering vivid details of this murder.  You would think this trial would be enough to distract me...but no...I am a master at juggling things!  *Sigh*

My youngest daughter is currently spending two weeks in Florida with the Grandparents.  My In-laws believe children should be seen and not heard. I think this visit has been quite an eye opener for them (and my little one).  They have now realized that we are raising this 12 year old to speak up and not let people walk all over her.  She'll be home in two days...I think we will all be glad when she's back home.

While my youngest is in Florida my husband and I finally had enough of my daughter's synchronized ice skating coach.  We pulled our daughter off the team.  Now I'm dealing with 8 other Mom's bitching at me because we questioned the coach's abilities.  Seriously?  Everyone of them bitched and complained behind the coach's back, but when someone says something they freak out and turn on the person who wasn't a chicken shit and actually said enough was enough.  Right now I'm very confused, why would parents teach their children to talk behind people's backs and then be a chicken shit towards the person who stands up?  Younger Daughter doesn't know about this yet, we are waiting to tell her when she gets home.  She'll be upset that we are not going to San Diego for the State Games of America, but she will be relieved.  Her private coach has already told her that she wanted her on the Intermediate Synchronized Skate Team.

So I have all of this going on...the same time I am trying to cope with the fact that my First Daughter will be turning 23 in 20 days and so far she doesn't give a crap about me, her First Mother.

Hurry up and be done with July!!!

You will forget

Everytime I went into the agency for my counseling brainwashing session I was told "You will forget".  From the moment those words first crossed the Counselor's Brainwasher's lips I knew it was a load of crap.  

Seriously...how is someone able to forget something that changes who you are and changes your life completely?

This woman who was old enough to be my mother would sit across from me.  Her desk was cluttered with so much crap I could barely see her.  She would always sit there looking at me disapprovingly, an obese woman shoveling dry cereal into her mouth, filling my head with lies.

How am I suppose to forget how I spent most of my Senior year in hiding?  How am I suppose to forget I didn't go to my Prom because my boyfriend didn't want anyone to know?  How am I suppose to forget I didn't graduate when I was suppose to because I missed so many days from being pregnant?  How am I suppose to forget that my hips had spread and I could no longer wear size 0 jeans?  How am I suppose to forget how bruised my ribs were from my First Daughter kicking them?  How am I suppose to forget everytime I went in for my "well woman" check ups and my doctor constantly raved about the episiotomy scar?  I can go on and on....

Are these people so warped they honestly believe that a Mother could forget about being a pregnant, scared teenager and giving birth?  Seriously?

The only reason this is really bothering me right now is because I was served a subpoena yesterday.  I knew this subpoena was going to happen, I received one last February but the trial it was for was postponed.  I was served because I am considered a witness to a murder.  I didn't see the murder take place, I was trying to save this kids life.  This kid was (is) 3 months younger than my First Daughter.  You would think that going through this experience a year and a half ago would be enough to push the memories aside of my First Daughter...but no.  This tragic event I was involved in isn't enough to overpower the memory of my First Daughter.  (After the trial in June I'll write more about it)

So I was told repeatedly I would forget.  It is not possible to forget.  I can not forget the experiences I had carrying the child I so dearly love when I was 18.  I can not forget the experience I had giving birth...without any type of pain killers.  I can not forget holding this precious, beautiful child.  I can not forget being manipulated into signing that piece of paper.  I can not forget, no matter how much I tried in the past it just is not possible.  Just like not being able to forget hearing the blood chilling screams of a mother who was just told she lost her son...I can not forget that on Saturday, July 23, 1988 I became a Mother.

I can NOT and I will NOT forget!!