Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You will forget

Everytime I went into the agency for my counseling brainwashing session I was told "You will forget".  From the moment those words first crossed the Counselor's Brainwasher's lips I knew it was a load of crap.  

Seriously...how is someone able to forget something that changes who you are and changes your life completely?

This woman who was old enough to be my mother would sit across from me.  Her desk was cluttered with so much crap I could barely see her.  She would always sit there looking at me disapprovingly, an obese woman shoveling dry cereal into her mouth, filling my head with lies.

How am I suppose to forget how I spent most of my Senior year in hiding?  How am I suppose to forget I didn't go to my Prom because my boyfriend didn't want anyone to know?  How am I suppose to forget I didn't graduate when I was suppose to because I missed so many days from being pregnant?  How am I suppose to forget that my hips had spread and I could no longer wear size 0 jeans?  How am I suppose to forget how bruised my ribs were from my First Daughter kicking them?  How am I suppose to forget everytime I went in for my "well woman" check ups and my doctor constantly raved about the episiotomy scar?  I can go on and on....

Are these people so warped they honestly believe that a Mother could forget about being a pregnant, scared teenager and giving birth?  Seriously?

The only reason this is really bothering me right now is because I was served a subpoena yesterday.  I knew this subpoena was going to happen, I received one last February but the trial it was for was postponed.  I was served because I am considered a witness to a murder.  I didn't see the murder take place, I was trying to save this kids life.  This kid was (is) 3 months younger than my First Daughter.  You would think that going through this experience a year and a half ago would be enough to push the memories aside of my First Daughter...but no.  This tragic event I was involved in isn't enough to overpower the memory of my First Daughter.  (After the trial in June I'll write more about it)

So I was told repeatedly I would forget.  It is not possible to forget.  I can not forget the experiences I had carrying the child I so dearly love when I was 18.  I can not forget the experience I had giving birth...without any type of pain killers.  I can not forget holding this precious, beautiful child.  I can not forget being manipulated into signing that piece of paper.  I can not forget, no matter how much I tried in the past it just is not possible.  Just like not being able to forget hearing the blood chilling screams of a mother who was just told she lost her son...I can not forget that on Saturday, July 23, 1988 I became a Mother.

I can NOT and I will NOT forget!!

1 comment:

Sunday Koffron said...

There is no end to the things that people tell us you can, will, should forget. I am so sorry for your pain.