I had the poor woman on the verge of tears during our conversation. I felt so bad, this was my heartache, something I would never wish on another person.
Some point during the conversation I told her about all the different times mine and Ashley's paths have crossed, the vivid dreams, and the "knowing" I felt when it came to Ashley. She didn't tell me I was crazy or I was imagining things. No, she told me our connection to one another was so strong there was nothing that could break that tie.
God how I wish that were true.
I told her about the path of self destruction I was heading down for a little over 10 years. She told me it was completely understandable. I was still just a child even though I was 18 at the time, the adults I was suppose to trust betrayed me in the cruelest way possible. They left me emotionally broken in a world that couldn't possibly understand.
We talked about what happened at the agency. I told her about the time I said I wanted to keep my unborn child and they threatened to take me to court to take my child away from me because I had no right to raise her. They kept telling me I would be homeless, no one would help me and I would end up in one abusive relationship after another. Tears were running down my face, my friend sat there shocked. I told her they had me convinced there was nothing I could do...little did I realize at the time, they had no right to my baby!!
My friend was trying to fight back the tears and she told me I had to forgive myself.
Forgive myself? How was I suppose to do that?
I forgave my mother after she apologized to me in 2006. She told me she had no idea back then what it would do to me to lose my child like that, what it would do to my family.
I forgave Ashley's father, my boyfriend all through High School. Every time we run into each other he always apologizes for treating me as shitty as he did when we were together and for cheating on me while I was pregnant and breaking up with me the day I came home from the hospital. (I secretly enjoy it when he tells me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him). I forgave him because he is now being paid back ten-fold and watching his misery honestly breaks my heart. He is holding onto to so much anger now it is really taking a toll on him...it's sad because he had so much potential.
I don't think I can ever forgive the Adoption Counselor and all the cruel lies she told me to get my baby. I have washed my hands of her, Karma will come back on her for all the years she spent separating Mothers from their children.
These people were the key players in my life at the time. I forgave two of them and washed my hands of the third. So I asked my friend why do I need to forgive myself?
I have been blessed with a wonderful second daughter, a husband who is supportive in his strange way, my Mother is now there for me when I need her and I have a huge supportive group of friends who are there for me with a shoulder to cry on, a box of kleenex or a strong drink during the month of July. I know what I go through in the days leading up to Ashley's birthday is not God punishing me. Yes, right now I am an emotional mess, but I know the light at the end of tunnel always shows up on July 24th.
My friend hugged me and told me I needed to forgive myself for signing that piece of paper, at the time everyone in my life lead me to believe there was no other option.
So how in the hell am I suppose to forgive myself for something that was completely out of my control??