Friday, July 13, 2012


I felt better yesterday, maybe it was because I was actually looking forward to my girls night out tonight with my friends I went to junior high with...Lord knows I need the distraction right now.  Or maybe it was my conversation the day before with my friend.

When my friend and I were talking I know her heart was in the right place, she wanted to help alleviate some of the pain I was feeling.  I still don't get the "forgive myself" thing...I stopped punishing myself 13 years ago, but something she said really stuck with me.

In strange little twisted ways mine and Ashley's paths cross.  Crossing paths is almost torture for me.  I told her about every little thing (which will be in an upcoming post) and how it brings my hopes up then I come crashing down when I realize Ashley isn't reaching out.

My friend said I was very lucky to keep crossing paths with Ashley like I do, some spend their lives receiving nothing, some women may get just a few occurrences in their entire lifetime.  But, for some reason, every time I turn around I get something.

Yes, I understand that I am one of the very few people in a closed adoption that has been able to get the tidbits of information, the glimpses into Ashley's life.  I am thankful for it, but it is torturing me.

My retired Ministered last December said I was receiving snapshots  and my friend agreed, frame by frame I learn more.  I told her I still don't understand why I get these tidbits of information. She told me it was so I can gain insight into who she is and so I can gain the strength and wisdom Ashley and I will both need for when the day comes and we are finally reunited.

She reminded me again that the glimpses I get are telling me something.  Ashley knows she is adopted, she is open (or was open) about talking about being adopted, she is afraid of hurting people if we are is quite possible someone has made her feel very guilty about wanting to know where she came from.

Again, I was told to be patient.  She will come around, right now she is still young, one day she will give into that pull and reach out to me.  It might not happen as soon as I like, but it will happen.  Ashley may not have the courage and strength at this moment.  Possibly she hasn't found anyone who understands what she is going through and until she finds someone to help her sort these feelings out we will not meet.


adoption sucks!

10 more days until her 24th birthday


Rebecca Hawkes said...

Sigh. Everywhere I look I see something, or someone, that adoption has broken. Some days it breaks my heart.

Anonymous said...

Ashley will contact you - have faith (and patience). I first contacted my son in April of 2011 and did not hear a word from him until I had given up all hope and had almost used up all the patience I could muster (he contacted me in May 2012). He doesn't want to hurt his adoptive parents so for now communication between us is sporatic and secretive. My son is a lovely caring person and I'm grateful that he has chosen to include me in his life. I will honor whatever terms he sets forth. I lost him once & I don't want to lose him again. I guess what I'm trying to say is, please don't give up - it may seem like your daughter is distancing herself from you but I'm sure she thinks of you and when the time is right for her, she'll contact you. Veronika

I never got to say goodbye said...

I did this to my birthmom- found her at age 20--- then backed away to protect my adoptive mother who had a complete break down over the reunion... after I had my daughter- my second child- I broke the chains my adoptive mother put on me and sought out a relationship with her- we are close today.

Rebecca Hawkes said...

It took me _so_ long to climb over that belief that contact with my original mother was an act of disloyalty to my adoptive mom, but I got there! We all have our own time frames. But I understand that it can be difficult from the other side. I contacted my bdad for the first time 5 years ago. Silence. No response at all. I tried again recently and he responded. He just needed more time than I did to get to the point of being ready for contact.

Sara said...

I know this is probably a really hard few days for you. Just wanted to send you good wishes.

Saroya said...

Hello, I hope every day brings you closer to reunion. My son and I reunited in 1997.. He was 33, I waited so long to search because I didn't think I was allowed to look for him. I broke down, all that loss came up and hit me in the face. I spent a year barely able to function. Searching for the birthfather and finding him.. then finding my son.
In the end, it was hard to find out, that my child would really have been better off with me.