When my friend and I were talking I know her heart was in the right place, she wanted to help alleviate some of the pain I was feeling. I still don't get the "forgive myself" thing...I stopped punishing myself 13 years ago, but something she said really stuck with me.
In strange little twisted ways mine and Ashley's paths cross. Crossing paths is almost torture for me. I told her about every little thing (which will be in an upcoming post) and how it brings my hopes up then I come crashing down when I realize Ashley isn't reaching out.
My friend said I was very lucky to keep crossing paths with Ashley like I do, some spend their lives receiving nothing, some women may get just a few occurrences in their entire lifetime. But, for some reason, every time I turn around I get something.
Yes, I understand that I am one of the very few people in a closed adoption that has been able to get the tidbits of information, the glimpses into Ashley's life. I am thankful for it, but it is torturing me.
My retired Ministered last December said I was receiving snapshots and my friend agreed, frame by frame I learn more. I told her I still don't understand why I get these tidbits of information. She told me it was so I can gain insight into who she is and so I can gain the strength and wisdom Ashley and I will both need for when the day comes and we are finally reunited.
She reminded me again that the glimpses I get are telling me something. Ashley knows she is adopted, she is open (or was open) about talking about being adopted, she is afraid of hurting people if we are reunited...it is quite possible someone has made her feel very guilty about wanting to know where she came from.
Again, I was told to be patient. She will come around, right now she is still young, one day she will give into that pull and reach out to me. It might not happen as soon as I like, but it will happen. Ashley may not have the courage and strength at this moment. Possibly she hasn't found anyone who understands what she is going through and until she finds someone to help her sort these feelings out we will not meet.
10 more days until her 24th birthday