It's A Freakishly Small World

I was hoping with it getting so close to Christmas that things wouldn't throw me off, I was hoping to survive Christmas like I always do...quietly wishing Ashley was with me during the holidays.  But it looks like this year that won't happen because it is a freakishly small world.

I have written before about my former HR Manager who knew Ashley and about seeing the yearbooks from 7th grade to her Senior year and scanning those pictures.  I don't know why fate brought us together, but it did.

There are two blogs whereI wrote about Ashley's friend coming to see me.  She put two and two together.  Needless to say, I was in complete shock when that happened.  After that Spring Break I never heard from that girl again, which is okay I suppose.  There was a reason we were brought together, but I am still not exactly sure...maybe it was so she could tell Ashley she had met me...maybe she was suppose to be there to support Ashley if she decided to make contact, reassure her her it was okay.  I don't know.  I was working in their neighborhood so chances were high that I would run into someone who knew Ashley.

I have also written about driving home from work one day and being behind the truck that belonged to Ashley's Adoptive Father, then pulling up so I could get a quick look then continue driving off.  I think that was a sign telling me someone was in the way of Ashley and I reconnecting.  I don't know.  I was close to their neighborhood so that was sure to happen, but why then after all of these years?  Anyways...

On Facebook I sent Ashley a message in August.  Told my kept daughter about Ashley.  Sent a follow up message on Facebook in October.  Still no word.  I don't know if she ever read them.  She might of deleted them, I don't know.  Not knowing is driving me up the wall!!

A little over a week ago I wrote about my husband dropping me off at work and seeing the car with the school dance tickets being advertised in the back window and the unrelated high school girl who walked in wearing a letter jacket from the High School Ashley went to.  I took it as fate slapping me in the face, because I was letting go just enough so I could survive the upcoming Holidays...my favorite Holiday...the Holiday I wished every year that Ashley could spend with me.  So that little cruel twist of fate left me asking why I was still being punished.

Yesterday I was fine, I was at work.  I didn't feel like curling my hair or put on any make-up.  I just wanted to hurry and be done with the day so I could get home and start getting ready for my family to invade my house this Saturday.  Until fate decided to step in again....

A new client came to me because of a Living Social deal my Salon/Spa had out there.  With the Living Socials I get people from all over the DFW area and some who live about 3 hours away...they come from all over, no biggie.  This girl had me cracking up, I knew we would get along just fine.  I noticed her address, she is from the same neighborhood has Ashley.  I asked her if she went to P***** High School, she said she did and graduated in '06.  For a brief second I think my heart stopped beating.  This time I asked her if she knew Ashley, after the first friend/client I wasn't going to be caught off guard...nope...I was finally open about Ashley after so many years of hiding that secret.  Adoption wasn't going to control me like that again!

To my surprise she knew her, they have known each other since Junior High.  She looked at me and asked if I were her sister, I told her to look again and then it clicked.  I didn't freak out like the last time.  This time I let the fear and excitement rush through me.  During my time with this client I was able to find the answers to the little questions about Ashley that I had wondered about for so many years.  She asked if it were okay if she told Ashley about meeting me, I told her it was her choice to tell her, not mine.  I did ask her to let her know her half sister knows about her now and she is not a secret in my part of the world.  The client told me it now makes since why Ashley didn't look Jewish, she knew she was adopted because Ashley had always been open about that, but know the client knows it is because I am not Jewish.  I told the client that Christmas and the month of July are always very hard on me because I never wanted to let Ashley go.  This girl pulled up her facebook and showed me pictures.  I didn't freak out, instead I was filled with this warmth.  How I wish Ashley would reach out!!  The client hugged me and told me Ashley and I were built the same, except she was taller.  Ashley is taller than me!  A wish I had since the moment I felt her first kick!!

From the brief time I spent with this girl I was able to find out Ashley and I look almost identical, we are built the same.  Even though she was extremely popular in school she was friends with everyone, not just her crowd.  She was quirky, very smart and talented.  She talks just as fast as me and is always laughing and smiling.  The apple apparently did not fall far from this tree.  This girl said she now believes that personalities are genetic...because Ashley and I are so much alike.

I was told that Ashley was probably scared to reach out to me.  She said "you never know what her parents said".  I understood this and this validated my fear.  It sounded as if the parents are the ones standing in the middle, preventing us from meeting.  I told the friend I understood this and baby steps can be taken, communicating on facebook at first is completely fine.  The last thing I want is for Ashley to get hurt.  The client had left, given me another hug and told me she would tell Ashley.

After the client left, I walked through the back towards the salon side.  One of my co-workers was getting her hair shampooed.  She asked if I was okay, I told her I felt a little nauseous and told her what had just happened.  She jumped up with a big smile on her face and said this was a sign.  I don't know if this was a sign, but I do hope this will give Ashley some reassurance, let her know I am here...no matter what.

After I got home I spoke with a Birth Mother friend of mine who lives close by to me and told her what happened.  She told me she now believes the parents are talking crap about me to keep Ashley away.  I agreed with her.  She told me Ashley would become resentful when she realizes what they said about me wasn't true.  I told her I know.  She reminded me that I was a better person and I told her if and when I ever come face to face with them I was going to give them a big, squishy hug and a kiss on the cheek.  My friend said that would make them uncomfortable and I told her I know, but that is the kind of person I am...I am a bigger person, I am a better person, and just because they may say nasty things about me doesn't mean I will stoop to that level.  I have a heart full of love, and because of my love for Ashley I will stand tall, with my head held high.

Sometimes...this world is just a little too small for my comfort!!