Monday, December 12, 2011

Why Am I Being Punished?

"The Salem Martyr"by Thomas Slatterwhite Noble, 1869
Why am I still being punished?  Why do I have to continue feeling pain?  Society keeps telling me I was selfless, when in reality I was taken advantage of.  I did everything I was told to do.  So why am I still so empty?

Yes, I was still a teenager, too young to realize that I had the strength to raise a child.  I was still being told what to do, I believed in those who told me this was best.  At the time I knew it was important for my child to have a mother AND a father, but I never knew the damage it would cause having my child removed from her roots, her heritage, her true self.

If this was a “noble”, “selfless” act then why am I still paying for this?  Does society not realize that when a child is lost to adoption it causes a great wound that can never be healed?  Who are these sick people who think they have the right to take a child away from its mother?

Yes, my First Daughter was given everything by the people who the State of Texas calls her parents.  She received a college education from a very exclusive private college.  These people still take care of her, provide for her, still tell her what to do and not do.  These people are treating this 23 year old human being like she is an object, a possession, a pet.  Are they doing this because they paid so much money for her?  Honestly, it doesn’t matter how much you sugar coat it, they paid a lot of money to an Agency for a white infant girl...they bought my daughter.

Why does Society still keep telling me I need to be grateful? 

Yes, I am grateful she was given every opportunity I could not provide.  I am not grateful that my own flesh and blood was raised to not think for herself and was raised to look down on her own heritage.  This child has no clue as to what she is capable of, she has no idea that this apple did not fall far from this tree.  It breaks my heart to know her wings have been clipped; she will never spread them and fly on her own.

I did what they told me to do; I drank their toxic kool-aid for the first 18 years.  In their eyes I was a “Good Birth Mother”…I was silent and hidden away like they told me to be.  They never expected me to reappear years later, with a fire in my eyes.  That primal maternal need to protect and love my child never went away because of some court document.  We bonded when she was in-utero and that bond was sealed the moment I held her.

So why am I still being punished?  Why do I keep getting slapped in the face with signs letting me know she is still out there?  Why won’t my wounds heal?  I try to let go, but something in the very depths of my being refuses to let me do that.

Losing my child to adoption has given me a life sentence.  A life feeling incomplete, a life of longing, a life loving a child who shares my genetic make-up…a life of not hearing her voice, seeing her smile, listening to her laughter…a life of never hearing her call me “Mom”.

All this because some wealthy woman who was trying so hard to get pregnant couldn’t conceive, she finally gave birth to her own child after she had my daughter in her arms.  This woman who treats my First Daughter has a pet and has convinced her that I am nothing but some piece of insignificant trash.  A woman’s need for a child caused me to lose my first born; a woman’s insecurity is keeping us separated.  

Because this woman had an urgent need for an infant has caused me to lose my daughter through manipulation and coercion and I am the one who was given a life sentence of pain, heartache and longing.   

Why must I still be punished?


Myst said...

To be punished implies you commited a crime and yet having a child is not. And yet they have punished you and scores more; myself included. Sometimes I feel we are being punished for merely being fertile because there is no other reason. How dare we be able to bring forth children when we are not x,y or z in society's rule book.

I am so very sorry you have suffered and still do suffer this loss. It is a life sentence, one no one seems willing to recognise and empathise with.

From one mother to another I send you love and understanding. For both our sakes, I wish we never knew this pain.

Again, I am so very sorry.

Susie said...

Adoption is truly a life sentence. We can go through different stages of dealing with the loss of our children to adoption, but sadly I don't think that true and complete healing is possible.

I hope that an upswing on this roller-coaster ride happens soon for you.

Anonymous said...

It's not punishment it's just reality. We blew it. I don't take full responsibility. I did what I was told was best for my beautiful baby girl. Oh how mature I thought I was to forsake my own happiness for her betterment. But ahh, how wrong I was.
I'm better off than you today. I realize that my daughter most likely will never spend a Christmas morning with me, and I'm okay with it. I know that she will never have my traditions or values. She has others and I need to embrace them because that is who she is.
I am lucky. She allowed me in to meet her and allows me limited access. She is a lovely woman.
I hope one day Ashley will find it in her heart to meet you, to love you and accept your love. People change and she may realize all you have to give to her. So much more important than that pony!

ceejay1 said...

:( I too am sad, for you, for me, and the unsurmountable countless others who came before, and will certainly come after:( I do so hope for a better tomoprrow than that of what I have been given today...for all of us!

In Blind Faith said...

ceejay1 don't be sad. I may be angry at the moment...but I know I will build more strength from this. At times it seems I get kicked when I am down, but somehow I manage to get back up and continue fighting the good fight.

Sara B. said...

"Losing my child to adoption has given me a life sentence" - truer words have never been spoken! I'm so sorry that the weight of this feels so heavy right now. I hope the burden will somehow feel lighter soon.