It has been about a year since I "jumped the roadblock".
August of last year I sent Ashley a message on facebook. As terrified of her rejection as I am I went ahead, bit the bullet and reached out.
The thought of making direct contact like that scared the daylights out of me. For so many years I wished, dreamed, and hoped for a reunion. I have spent her entire life trying to convince myself she is in a better place. Even though I never wanted to lose her to adoption I tried my best to look ahead in a positive light. In my heart I was (am) willing to embrace those she loves.
Deep down inside, even though I was (am) hopeful of a positive outcome I was beside myself with fear...fear of Ashley's rejection.
For those who are not First Mothers probably don't understand the depth of fear I felt. The emotions I felt when I was pregnant with her, delivering her, the emotions from holding her in the hospital and losing her to adoption hit me like a tsunami. As the days moved on after sending the message I started to realize that I was being ignored.
Not necessarily a rejection, and not really an acceptance.
Frustrated at the lack of communication I tried my best to push it aside and continue on with life. To be totally honest, it makes me sad knowing what Ashley had missed out on in the last year here in her First Family world.
Her half sister started Middle School and had survived 7th grade. She missed her track meets, missed a first boyfriend, missed out on the heart to heart talks a little sister would have about figuring out how do deal with being a 7th grader. She missed out on a little half sister officially turning into a teenager.
Ashley missed out on her super awesome kick ass step-grandfather. We lost him last September, so she will never experience the constant laughter he brought into our lives.
Of course, she missed out on the holidays and family gatherings.
I had changed jobs since I sent her that message, I am now working closer to home...trying to patiently rebuild my clientele. She also missed out on the crazy, random client I had...a former classmate of hers.
I never received a response from Ashley. Maybe she deleted it? Maybe she is still waiting to figure what to say in a response? Maybe she has a overbearing Adoptive Mother (God I hope not!) who is making her feel guilty about even considering responding?
Who knows what happened to my message.
What I do know is that I laid my heart out there, left myself vulnerable to her, and I have never received a response.
Instead, I am ignored.
The woman who conceived her, carried her in her womb, protected her, love her unconditionally. The woman whose heart has been ripped to shreds because she lost her to adoption is ignored.
Like I am some random telemarketer.