Thursday, August 16, 2012

Ignored

It has been about a year since I "jumped the roadblock".

August of last year I sent Ashley a message on facebook.  As terrified of her rejection as I am I went ahead, bit the bullet and reached out.

The thought of making direct contact like that scared the daylights out of me.  For so many years I wished, dreamed, and hoped for a reunion.  I have spent her entire life trying to convince myself she is in a better place.  Even though I never wanted to lose her to adoption I tried my best to look ahead in a positive light.  In my heart I was (am) willing to embrace those she loves.  

Deep down inside, even though I was (am) hopeful of a positive outcome I was beside myself with fear...fear of Ashley's rejection.

My heart was screaming "send the message", but my head was screaming "No!  She'll reject you".  I was conflicted.  A friend of mine, who I found in that super secret First Mother closet, encouraged me to send that message.  After I sent it I felt nauseous.  It was too late, the message is out there.  My heart was exposed to Ashley to do as she wished.

For those who are not First Mothers probably don't understand the depth of fear I felt.  The emotions I felt when I was pregnant with her, delivering her, the emotions from holding her in the hospital and losing her to adoption hit me like a tsunami.  As the days moved on after sending the message I started to realize that I was being ignored.

Ignored.

Not necessarily a rejection, and not really an acceptance.

Ignored.

Frustrated at the lack of communication I tried my best to push it aside and continue on with life.  To be totally honest, it makes me sad knowing what Ashley had missed out on in the last year here in her First Family world.

Her half sister started Middle School and had survived 7th grade.  She missed her track meets, missed a first boyfriend, missed out on the heart to heart talks a little sister would have about figuring out how do deal with being a 7th grader.  She missed out on a little half sister officially turning into a teenager.

Ashley missed out on her super awesome kick ass step-grandfather.  We lost him last September, so she will never experience the constant laughter he brought into our lives.

Of course, she missed out on the holidays and family gatherings.

I had changed jobs since I sent her that message, I am now working closer to home...trying to patiently rebuild my clientele.  She also missed out on the crazy, random client I had...a former classmate of hers.

I never received a response from Ashley.  Maybe she deleted it?  Maybe she is still waiting to figure what to say in a response?  Maybe she has a overbearing Adoptive Mother (God I hope not!) who is making her feel guilty about even considering responding?

Who knows what happened to my message.

What I do know is that I laid my heart out there, left myself vulnerable to her, and I have never received a response.

Instead, I am ignored.

The woman who conceived her, carried her in her womb, protected her, love her unconditionally.  The woman whose heart has been ripped to shreds because she lost her to adoption is ignored.

Ignored.

Like I am some random telemarketer.

Ignored.







8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yep, I know all too well what this is like. Been there done that.

I would be willing to bet it is the insecure, possessive adopter in the background that has a lot to do with being 'ignored'.

As a mother of "open adoption" fraud, to be 'ignored' after I was anything but when they were courting me for my infant really proved to me what a mistake I made in trusting these people to raise my child and treat me like a human being when I thought I was doing the right thing, instead of a walking incubator.

You are that child's mother. If she ignores you, she ignores a part of herself.

birthmothertalks said...

I am really sorry and can't imagine this going on. I do know the feeling of being ignored by my daughters adoptive parents. Are you sure she got the message. Its not always a perfect thing with facebook so hoping it didn't get lost out there or in the wrong hands.

athens runner said...

I'm dreading sending THAT message to my son because I'm too scared for being ignored/rejected. So I can understand your frustration.

I know I one day have to bite the bullet and send THAT message... My son is now 21 years old and deserves to know that I'm here for him... for me the unknown quantity is: what if he doesn't know he is adopted.

So I'm struggling to find the words to write to him.

I hope that Ashley one day reaches out to you, as Anon said you are part of her and she missing out a part of herself.

Rebecca Hawkes said...

I'm so sorry that you had to experience this. I'm sure it must be so hard! And yet, for Ashley's sake (and speaking from the point of view of an adoptee), I'm glad you send it. Assuming she did receive it, you communicated that you were open to contact. That's an important thing for an adoptee to know, even if she isn't ready to return the gesture yet.

Sara said...

Is it possible that she never got the message? From what I understand, if you send a message to someone that you are NOT friends with on FB, the message goes into some "other" kind of folder that most people who are on FB don't even realize they have. Obviously I have no idea if that's what happened here, but I have another first mother friend who sent her daughter a message on FB and the daughter never received it. Once she received a letter from my friend in the mail, she went and discovered this "other" mailbox that exists and the messages that were in it.

Susie said...

I am SO very sorry that you haven't heard from her. So sorry...

c said...

"Is it possible that she never got the message? From what I understand, if you send a message to someone that you are NOT friends with on FB, the message goes into some "other" kind of folder that most people who are on FB don't even realize they have"

That is true. I read about that somewhere else and went to look at my message where it said "other" and found 3 messages there from over 1 year ago. These messages do not come through to email on the usual message feed and also there was no indication there were any messages there. So if you haven't done it already, then I agree with Sara - check your "Messages - Other).

Pam said...

Wow, now I get why it took our adopted daughters maternal grandmother two weeks to get the FB message.

I did just yesterday get a reply from a non Facebook friend about my message being in the "other" folder.

Write again and good luck! Send a friend request too.

Our reunion has had lots of ups and downs. The grandmother recently dissed our daughter on her FB profile. OUCH and lots of tears.