It has been a week now since I sent my First Daughter Ashley a message on facebook. The message was short and sweet. Started off with a "not sure you are the person I'm looking for". I know she is my First Daughter, but I did not want her to panic. I went on to explain that I am a Birth Mother who lost her First Daughter to adoption 23 years ago. I chose "lost" because I wanted to keep her and I didn't want to go into telling her I was coerced, and I didn't want her to think I willing to give her up. I made it very clear that I did NOT want to disrupt her life, I just wanted to know if she was happy. All she had to do was respond with a yes or a no and if she was comfortable with more then that would be great! I wanted to keep it easy for her...all she had to do was type yes or no...that's it. The message was wrapped up with me telling her if she is my First Daughter then I wanted her to know she has always been in my thoughts and I carried her in my heart and if she is not then I apologized for this "weird random message". Signing the message was a little difficult, I wasn't quite sure how to do it. I finally decided on signing it with just my nickname everyone calls me by, my name on her OBC in parenthesis and my current last name. I figured this would give her the choice to call me whatever she wants with no pressure.
The message was short, to the point, tried to help make it easier for her, tried to leave it open enough for a response, no pressure and a little humor.
So I wait. I am proud of myself for not checking my messages every 5 minutes, I only check it two - three times a day. The sent message is still showing up in my messages, I don't know how to check to see if she has opened it and I don't know if she deletes it if it will be deleted from my messages too. On the bright side she has not blocked me...I know, strange way of picking out the silver lining, but I will take it!
If she responds in a negative way I know I will be okay. I might be a little disappointed, but it will not throw me down a path of self-destruction (been there, done that, got the t-shirt).
If she responds in a positive way then I will probably shout my joys from the rooftop!
But right now I worry that I am being ignored. I don't like being ignored, hell, my personality is too big to be ignored!! I just wish I would get something as simple as a "Yes, but I am trying to figure out how to respond" or a "Leave me alone!" Something, anything, I need this band-aid ripped off quickly, not pulled slowly.
I know it has only been a week and I know better than to expect something in return so fast. I just wish I knew if she read the message and if she is trying to figure out what to say or if she wants me to just go away. This feeling of not knowing is making me feel very anxious and I just don't like that feeling.
So here I am...waiting and waiting and waiting....