Thursday, August 11, 2011

Climbing The Walls

For some reason the last few days I feel as if I'm climbing the walls.  I'm feeling anxious, like something is left undone or there is something bigger I am suppose to be a part of.  

Maybe it has something to do with the 41 days of 100+ degree weather we have been having here in North Texas.  I'm a Texas Native...4th generation.  So it can't be that, I'm built for the Texas heat ;-)

Maybe it is business being slow right now at the salon I work at.  I know the summer months are slow for Aestheticians and building a good solid client base takes time.  School is about to start and business will pick back up again.  

Is it because my daughter I am raising is about to start Middle School?  I know every milestone is a reminder of what I missed with my First Daughter.  I have had 12 twelve years to learn how to cope with what I missed out on with "Ashley".  I also know I will never be able to make up for the lost time with her.  I cherish the moments I have with my kept daughter, possibly more than other Mothers who did not lose a child to adoption.

It just feels like I have unfinished business or I am waiting for something important.  The last couple of weeks I have been having dreams of my First Daughter, I don't know why, but it seems to be happening an awful lot lately.  Making contact is what keeps popping into my head...the problem I am having with making contact (besides the intense fear of rejection) is that I want to go about this the right way.  I don't want to push her away and I don't want her to feel like she is betraying her Adoptive Parents.  

So in the meantime...I'm climbing the friggin' walls!


birthmothertalks said...

I find it interesting that you dream about your first daughter. I never had any dreams about my daughter because in reality I didn't even really know what she looked like. I wish the best for you. It's so hard.

In Blind Faith said...

I always guessed she looked like me because her baby picture looks exactly like me. A friend found a picture of her after she turned 18 so at least I knew what she looked like.