For some reason the last few days I feel as if I'm climbing the walls. I'm feeling anxious, like something is left undone or there is something bigger I am suppose to be a part of.
Maybe it has something to do with the 41 days of 100+ degree weather we have been having here in North Texas. I'm a Texas Native...4th generation. So it can't be that, I'm built for the Texas heat ;-)
Maybe it is business being slow right now at the salon I work at. I know the summer months are slow for Aestheticians and building a good solid client base takes time. School is about to start and business will pick back up again.
Is it because my daughter I am raising is about to start Middle School? I know every milestone is a reminder of what I missed with my First Daughter. I have had 12 twelve years to learn how to cope with what I missed out on with "Ashley". I also know I will never be able to make up for the lost time with her. I cherish the moments I have with my kept daughter, possibly more than other Mothers who did not lose a child to adoption.
It just feels like I have unfinished business or I am waiting for something important. The last couple of weeks I have been having dreams of my First Daughter, I don't know why, but it seems to be happening an awful lot lately. Making contact is what keeps popping into my head...the problem I am having with making contact (besides the intense fear of rejection) is that I want to go about this the right way. I don't want to push her away and I don't want her to feel like she is betraying her Adoptive Parents.
So in the meantime...I'm climbing the friggin' walls!