Monday, September 3, 2012

The First Draft...

Writing, erasing, writing more, erasing again.

Ripped up sheets of notebook paper.

The brand new pencil I was using is now just a nub and the eraser completely gone.

Sending a letter through the agency, or sending one on facebook was never this hard.  I needed to write something that was going to get her attention.  I needed a response...good or bad, I need something so I am no longer in limbo.

My girlfriend Jennifer sent me a text, "how are you doing?"  I responded back with "I need to get drunk, pour my heart out into a 40 page draft.  When I sober up I can condense it to no more that 2 pages".  Jennifer replies "LOL"

Putting myself on paper is extremely difficult.  Even writing here is very, very hard.  It's just not possible for me to put me in writing...I'm way too animated to be on paper.  So this draft letter is tough.

I came up with writing a story in third person, the story was about the circumstances surrounding Ashley's birth and how I wanted to keep her.  I was going to write it on a piece of vellum and draw a picture to go underneath the vellum.  I emailed Jennifer the draft story (I was going to write the rest as a regular letter).

Jennifer replied later.  "I hate it!!  This story should have a happy ending and YOU did NOT have a happy ending.  This is not you."

A was a little relieved to hear that...this is so not me!!  So it was back to the drawing board, a new pencil, new eraser and even more paper.

Jennifer tells me I'm thinking too hard on this.  It appears Ashley is into her Leo sign so Jennifer suggests writing to her sign.

Her sign...

Why didn't I think about this before??

I'm an Aquarius to a T, all I need to do is research the Leo a little.

After studying up a little I send Jennifer a text.  "A letter will not get a Leo's attention and writing a letter is not an Aquarian's style".  Jennifer replies "Any ideas because not knowing is killing you".  I reply back "how about a video.  That will get her attention and she will see the similarities and that should get her curiosity really going".  Jennifer responds "LOVE IT! I have a camera".

So, my approach will be different.  Ashley will have something that not only tells her what she means to me, but she will have something where she can see that we look ALOT alike, she will hear my voice and hear my laughter.  If she watches the video then she should respond.

****  Adoptees, I need your help!!  ****
What questions did you have for your First Mother before making any kind of contact?  I would like to address this the a video.


Jenn said...

I had a ton of questions.

1. How did you meet my first father?
2. What was your relationship like?
3. How did you feel when you were pregnant with me?
4. When did you go into labor?
5. Did you hold me?
6. Did you name me?
7. Do you ever think about me on my birthday?
8. What's my ethnicity?
9. Any family health problems, big or small I should know about?
10. Do I have other siblings?


11. Why did you put me up for adoption?

If anything, the last question is the most important.

In Blind Faith said...

Thanks Jenn!!

We might do the video like I'm being interviewed...Jennifer will be the interviewer. This list really, really helps!!!

Staci said...

I had the same similar questions as Jenn but another very important question for me was "what do you want from this encounter?" Even though I found my mother is was important to me to know what she wanted/expected so if imminent rejection was coming I would know, or how much to put my heart in the situation. My mom ended up lying to me and in the end that hurt me most because if she would have told me the cruel and ugly things she said at the end in the beginning and that it was just her curiosity then I would have been fine. I know from your blog that you are sincere just try to convey that in your words.

Sara said...

I'm a first mother, not an adoptee. I just wanted to wish you well and I think your video idea is great! Keep your readers posted.

birthmothertalks said...

I like this idea and if that doesn't get her attention then nothing will. My only thing is that you will be answering the questions to someone else and your daughter doesn't have much say if she is ready to know.

I never got to say goodbye said...

I had so many questions- I wanted to know about her- what her life was like- in detail- I think she would like to see you- most of all- where you live what you do- she will want to know WHY she was given up and she will want to know- that you have thought of her and love her. She will not want to hear about any dislike or negative feelings you have towards her adoptive parents.

Rebecca Hawkes said...

This is all very interesting to me. I'm a leo, but a letter would totally have gotten my attention. A video, earlier in my processing … before I was ready, would probably have freaked me out. I would have watched it eventually, but I probably would have sat on it for about two years. I seemed to need to take in information little bits at a time. Letters (and back then we are talking snail mail) were the perfect way to get to know my bmom a little bit at a time. By the time I met her in person, I felt like I already knew her.

The main things that would have been helpful for me to hear from her earlier are:
1) I love you. I always loved you. I always wanted you but I didn't feel I had any control in the situation.
2) I would like to hear from you and I am ready and available any time you are ready. I am willing to answer any questions that you have in whatever form works best for you.
3) I understand that your relationship with your adoptive family is important to you and I don't intend to detract to from that. I want to add something additional to your life, not subtract from what you have.

Others who have commented seem to think the video is a great idea, so maybe my hesitancy about it is off-base. But I think you should also include a brief cover letter with a few key points and a request for notice of receipt, just in case she can't bring herself to watch it.

Also, I don't think you need to try to answer all of her questions (or what you are guessing her questions would be) in this one communication. You want her to reach out to you, so the main thing you want to communicate is that you have answers and things you would like to say to her, in whatever way she prefers to receive them: letter, video, phone call, face to face. This is a request for relationship. I really hope it is answered, but given her initial hesitancy it may be important to let her know that you are open to it being whatever she needs it to be. If she needs baby steps, you are willing to take baby steps. Again, maybe I'm overreacting, but given her initial non-response, I just have a feeling that it might be important to reassure her that she can have control over how this plays out. She may need to hear that you are willing to do whatever is necessary to make this safe and manageable for her. Just my opinion, of course.

Real Daughter said...

I disagree with Rebecca, who is an adoptee and adoptive parent. I dont think you should mention anything about her adopters- best to keep them out of it. I like the idea of a video. I don't think it's necessary to do an interview. I would do it more as a storytelling video. Take Jenn's questions and weave it into a story of sorts.

In Blind Faith said...

I've been working on what I'm going to say and I am working y'all's questions into little "stories". If some of the stories seem to be getting too long I'm going to say "another story, for another time, if you are interested".

As far as the Adoptive Parents go I'm not going into that, I'm only saying something along the lines of "I know you have parents who raised you and it is not my intention to step in and take their place".

I am letting her know I believe she has every right to know about where she came from and I will answer any question she has, no matter how painful the questions are to secrets.

I will have to write up little notecards to keep me on track and I'll send those notecards with the case she is scared to play the video, the cards will give her an idea what is on it. And she can actually see my handwriting (and doodling).

Is she going to want to know that for the last 6 years I have been very open about letting people know I have a first daughter and she is not a secret on my end?

Jenn, I am going to send a Dalah Horse (wooden swedish horse) with the Dalah horse story and I will let her know my Grandmother was full blooded Swedish.

Anonymous said...

Kind of late...

Hobbies and talents, favorite color, favorite flower, favorite food...

Do you love books, are you creative...things about what makes you - you.