Jumping The Roadblock

Well, I did it!  After five years of running and tripping over obstacles in my way  I finally jumped over that hurdle roadblock.  I don't know how I did yet, but I took a deep breath and I jumped!  I took a flying leap over that hurdle roadblock!!!

I honestly don't know what came over me.  At first I was going to send a small package, but a friend said that would really freak her out and make her think I was stalking, even though I was not.  The last thing I wanted to do was to scare her and make her think I was stalking her.  Why does adoption have to be so horrible?  Oh that's right, because adoption sucks!

I decided to send a message via "a social networking site" to my First Daughter.  I was very hesitant about making contact this way, I always wanted to send her a handwritten letter with a small gift.  Since I was having a difficult time getting a mailing address for her I decided it needed to be done this way.  I guess one way I can look at this is that she doesn't have to worry about hiding a letter or explaining where this gift came from.  A message could be easily hidden from prying eyes...she can keep it a secret if she feels like she needs to.

Maybe I finally had enough of just quietly sitting and patiently waiting.  If Ashley is like me then she's sitting there doing the same thing, quietly, patiently waiting...not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.  I don't know for sure if the adoptive parents are controlling her and if they are then that is just sad.  I'm an adult, not a child...Ashley is an adult and also not a child. I will not allow possible insecurities dictate what I can and can not do.  The a-parents can not control me, but I can try to make contact while being considerate of their feelings, which is more than what they have given me.  I do hope that one day I will be able to embrace the a-parents and reassure them that I am not trying to step in and be Mom or be a second Mom.  I just want the opportunity to get to know my First Daughter and hopefully have her in my life someday.

So I bit the bullet. I composed a simple message.  I took a deep breath and I hit send.  I'm not expecting a response anytime soon.  If she is like me then she will probably freak out when she sees it, closes the message and walks away then comes back to look at it several (hundred) times.  She might try to respond only to delete what she had written and then try to re-write it several (hundred) times.  She might get flustered and have to call her friends to help her process so she can find her words.  I know that is what I would do...if it will be a positive response.

So whatever comes of this I hope it is positive.  I hope that Ashley and I can build a solid foundation for a relationship and I hope that one day in the future I can also get to know the a-parents and build some kind of relationship with them too.  I guess at this point it is what it is and I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And for some reason I'm not a basketcase over this, I actually feel a little lighter.

Hopefully, I successfully cleared that hurdle roadblock and I didn't trip up and fall to the ground...