I know it has been a while since I have written...sorry.
Since I have received the email from Ashley I have been trying to pick up the pieces of my broken shattered heart. For so many years I held hope in my heart that one day we will be reunited. Not only did I hold hope, but also love... unconditional love. Love for her and love for the people she holds dear.
But last November all that came crashing down around me when I read her email...and re-read it...and ended up over analyzing it.
So I tried my best to crawl under a rock...and stay there!!
Unfortunately, it was too uncomfortable under that rock.
I tried to remain angry, but that didn't hang around long. I wanted to be mad as hell, I wanted to lash out and I tried, but somewhere inside me came that annoying "forgiving and loving" reasonable voice. I couldn't stay angry. She was taught to not listen to heart, not pay attention to her gut feeling.
I wanted to take my size 5 shoe and smack everyone upside the head that had a part in keeping my First Daughter away from me, but I knew that wouldn't do any good. It would ruin my shoe and cause more heart break.
I have tried to hardened my heart. I keep telling myself that if she ever reached out I would just slam that door shut. But, I know if she stood before me I would end up embracing her...
Right now I am just trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces once again, but it is hard. They told me 24 years ago I wasn't good enough to raise my baby and now it has been thrown back in my face...now I'm not good enough to get to know.
If only she would listen to her heart, then she would know I really was good enough and I still am worthy of getting to know...
August of last year I sent Ashley a message on facebook. As terrified of her rejection as I am I went ahead, bit the bullet and reached out.
The thought of making direct contact like that scared the daylights out of me. For so many years I wished, dreamed, and hoped for a reunion. I have spent her entire life trying to convince myself she is in a better place. Even though I never wanted to lose her to adoption I tried my best to look ahead in a positive light. In my heart I was (am) willing to embrace those she loves.
Deep down inside, even though I was (am) hopeful of a positive outcome I was beside myself with fear...fear of Ashley's rejection.
My heart was screaming "send the message", but my head was screaming "No! She'll reject you". I was conflicted. A friend of mine, who I found in that super secret First Mother closet, encouraged me to send that message. After I sent it I felt nauseous. It was too late, the message is out there. My heart was exposed to Ashley to do as she wished.
For those who are not First Mothers probably don't understand the depth of fear I felt. The emotions I felt when I was pregnant with her, delivering her, the emotions from holding her in the hospital and losing her to adoption hit me like a tsunami. As the days moved on after sending the message I started to realize that I was being ignored.
Ignored.
Not necessarily a rejection, and not really an acceptance.
Ignored.
Frustrated at the lack of communication I tried my best to push it aside and continue on with life. To be totally honest, it makes me sad knowing what Ashley had missed out on in the last year here in her First Family world.
Her half sister started Middle School and had survived 7th grade. She missed her track meets, missed a first boyfriend, missed out on the heart to heart talks a little sister would have about figuring out how do deal with being a 7th grader. She missed out on a little half sister officially turning into a teenager.
Ashley missed out on her super awesome kick ass step-grandfather. We lost him last September, so she will never experience the constant laughter he brought into our lives.
Of course, she missed out on the holidays and family gatherings.
I had changed jobs since I sent her that message, I am now working closer to home...trying to patiently rebuild my clientele. She also missed out on the crazy, random client I had...a former classmate of hers.
I never received a response from Ashley. Maybe she deleted it? Maybe she is still waiting to figure what to say in a response? Maybe she has a overbearing Adoptive Mother (God I hope not!) who is making her feel guilty about even considering responding?
Who knows what happened to my message.
What I do know is that I laid my heart out there, left myself vulnerable to her, and I have never received a response.
Instead, I am ignored.
The woman who conceived her, carried her in her womb, protected her, love her unconditionally. The woman whose heart has been ripped to shreds because she lost her to adoption is ignored.
I was 18 years old when I lost my First Daughter, Ashley, to adoption in July of 1988. I went through Jewish Family Services where they told me my daughter deserved a better life. They filled my head with pretty lies about how happy she will be and what a wonderful life she will have.
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
Later they would also tell me that I had no right to my child, she belongs to them and if I changed my mind they would take me to court to get my baby and make me pay the thousands of dollars for the medical expenses and time wasted by the Agency. I was coerced, they had me backed in a corner, they never once told me I was capable of raising my child, instead they said I can't.
Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?
They kept me in the dark, they never spoke the truth. I did what they said and I was a "Good Birth Mother". In blind faith I trusted them, it was going against what my heart was saying, but I had no one to help me. My family closed their ears, eyes and hearts to my situation. They believed the lies too.
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense
I stayed in touch with the Agency like they told me to do, I sent letters, cards and gifts to Ashley, like they suggested, but they mysteriously disappeared. They promised me Ashley and I will reunite. I had hope, I had faith, I refused to believe I could be so manipulated.
Spinning Infinity Boy the wheel is spinning me It's never ending, never ending Same old story
July 2006 the kool-aid was starting to wear off, things weren't what they seem. I was beginning to believe I was lied to. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks...I was lied to...they lied to me to get my baby.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
No more, I will no longer play by their rules. They manipulated me, they played on my worst fears so they could take my baby...like so many other agencies do. I have been left feeling nothing but regret, shame, and feeling absolutely worthless. In silence I was left with a longing, a broken heart from being separated from my child.
In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print, we are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story
I am just another Birth Mother who lost their child to adoption. The Agency got what they wanted, they used me and then they threw me away...like I was a piece of trash. They don't care about me, they can care less if I am ever reunited. Actually, I believe they prefer we are not reunited so Ashley would never know the truth.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
The "Counselor" would say every once in a while "There is something about your eyes, your smile." She didn't realize it, but it was a look a Birth Mother with some fight left in her. She may have succeeded all those years ago in getting my child, but what she didn't realize was that once I regained my strength, I was going to fight back.
I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face mirrorin' your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right, I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down, bring you to your knees
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you?
It took me a long time, but I finally saw things for what they are. I am not a whore, I am not worthless, I am not some piece of trash...and I certainly will not remain silent!
Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend
They can not keep me in the dark anymore. I will not play along with their little game and spread the lies when it comes to adoption. Domestic Infant Adoption is not a beautiful thing, it is a dirty, filthy institution that is allowed to coerce women into relinquishing their parental rights so they can make money off of the innocent children.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
Being a Birth Mother is painful. I have been left with a painful void in my heart. Unfortunately, I will have to continue living my life never knowing Ashley, never experiencing her childhood. Adoption took my baby and threw me away and convinced her that I am insignificant.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
I will no longer surrender. I will do everything I can to make sure my truth is heard, along with other truths from other Birth Mothers. I can not stand silently by and allow another family to be destroyed.
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
So who am I? My name is Veronica, my friends call me Roni. I am a Mother of two who is raising one. My first daughter was lost to adoption when I was 18 years old in July of 1988. Adoption destroyed my family and 23 years later it still prevents my First Daughter from knowing the family she came from. I may not be able to repair the damage adoption has caused me, but I can help prevent other young Mothers from falling victim to the adoption lies.
