The Pretender

I was 18 years old when I lost my First Daughter, Ashley, to adoption in July of 1988.  I went through Jewish Family Services where they told me my daughter deserved a better life.  They filled my head with pretty lies about how happy she will be and what a wonderful life she will have.

Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began

Later they would also tell me that I had no right to my child, she belongs to them and if I changed my mind they would take me to court to get my baby and make me pay the thousands of dollars for the medical expenses and time wasted by the Agency.  I was coerced, they had me backed in a corner, they never once told me I was capable of raising my child, instead they said I can't.

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?

They kept me in the dark, they never spoke the truth.  I did what they said and I was a "Good Birth Mother".  In blind faith I trusted them, it was going against what my heart was saying, but I had no one to help me.  My family closed their ears, eyes and hearts to my situation.  They believed the lies too.

I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense

I stayed in touch with the Agency like they told me to do, I sent letters, cards and gifts to Ashley, like they suggested, but they mysteriously disappeared.  They promised me Ashley and I will reunite.  I had hope, I had faith, I refused to believe I could be so manipulated.

Spinning Infinity
Boy the wheel is spinning me
It's never ending, never ending
Same old story

July 2006 the kool-aid was starting to wear off, things weren't what they seem.  I was beginning to believe I was lied to.  Everything hit me like a ton of bricks...I was lied to...they lied to me to get my baby.

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

No more, I will no longer play by their rules.  They manipulated me, they played on my worst fears so they could take my baby...like so many other agencies do.  I have been left feeling nothing but regret, shame, and feeling absolutely worthless.  In silence I was left with a longing, a broken heart from being separated from my child.

In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print, we are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story

I am just another Birth Mother who lost their child to adoption.  The Agency got what they wanted, they used me and then they threw me away...like I was a piece of trash.  They don't care about me, they can care less if I am ever reunited.  Actually, I believe they prefer we are not reunited so Ashley would never know the truth.  

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

The "Counselor" would say every once in a while "There is something about your eyes, your smile." She didn't realize it, but it was a look a Birth Mother with some fight left in her.  She may have succeeded all those years ago in getting my child, but what she didn't realize was that once I regained my strength, I was going to fight back.   

I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face mirrorin' your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right, I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down, bring you to your knees
So who are you?  Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you?

It took me a long time, but I finally saw things for what they are.  I am not a whore, I am not worthless, I am not some piece of trash...and I certainly will not remain silent! 

Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend

They can not keep me in the dark anymore.  I will not play along with their little game and spread the lies when it comes to adoption.  Domestic Infant Adoption is not a beautiful thing, it is a dirty, filthy institution that is allowed to coerce women into relinquishing their parental rights so they can make money off of the innocent children.

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

Being a Birth Mother is painful.  I have been left with a painful void in my heart.  Unfortunately, I will have to continue living my life never knowing Ashley, never experiencing her childhood.  Adoption took my baby and threw me away and convinced her that I am insignificant.  

What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

I will no longer surrender.  I will do everything I can to make sure my truth is heard, along with other truths from other Birth Mothers.  I can not stand silently by and allow another family to be destroyed.

So who are you?  Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? 

So who am I?  My name is Veronica, my friends call me Roni.  I am a Mother of two who is raising one.  My first daughter was lost to adoption when I was 18 years old in July of 1988.  Adoption destroyed my family and 23 years later it still prevents my First Daughter from knowing the family she came from.  I may not be able to repair the damage adoption has caused me, but I can help prevent other young Mothers from falling victim to the adoption lies.

Foo Fighters

The Pretender

A Time To Let Go

Last Tuesday I testified again for the the re-trial of a murder that happened in my town November 2009.  My testimony was quick and to the point, the courtroom this time had a different feel, it felt like this was just a formality.  The first trial was last July, I testified two days before Ashley's 23rd birthday.  I mentioned before why my testimony was so emotional, I never told anyone what the underlying emotions really were, I figured it was best to let everyone think the emotions were only about the murder.

After I testified on Tuesday I went back into the little waiting room to wait for my kept daughter's tennis coach to finish with his testimony so we could walk out together.  While I was waiting I found out the Judge allowed the video of the Defendant's Police Interrogation, I was told he pretty much admitted his guilt in this video.  We felt confident the jury would come back with a Murder (or at least Manslaughter) verdict...the video plus his fingerprints on the murder weapon.  

Thursday afternoon I went back to the courthouse to hear closing arguments.  While I was there the victim's Mother told me there was someone who wanted to meet me.  She took me over to another woman and introduced her as one of the jurors from last July.  This lady felt so bad about the last trial ending in a "hung jury" she contacted the Prosecutor to let her know what the jury "saw", she also got in touch with the victim's family and stayed in touch with them and she wanted to be here for the retrial.  She told me she was concerned about me after my testimony last July.  Well, I only told her as a Mother I understood the victim's Mother's pain...I didn't tell her about Ashley.

The closing arguments were postponed until Friday morning, so back to court I went.  After the closing arguments the family insisted the former juror and I stay with them until the verdict came in.  I didn't want to, it made me feel a little awkward.  Next thing I know I was being dragged to the "Victim's Assistance" room with the family and the former juror.  Turns out it wasn't such a bad thing, I had some incredible Pakastani food and learned a little about Pakastani culture.  At the end of the day the jury reached their verdict...we were all stunned to hear "Not Guilty", needless to say, chaos broke out.

Before we went into the courtroom for the verdict the former juror told me to make sure I had a kleenex and she wanted to sit with me because she knew I would cry when we got the verdict (guilty or not).  This comment bothered me a little bit, I'm not an emotional basketcase.  So Saturday I called the former juror, and I told her my story...the reason I was so emotional...I told her about Ashley.  She was quiet for a moment, all she could say was "no wonder this was so emotional for you".  I was a little surprised to hear her say she could understand where I was coming from.  After telling her I felt relieved, I was finally able to tell someone...so now I can let it go.

Yesterday I went back up to that park for the first time since that night.  I sat in the same place I sat when I tried to help the victim, I placed flowers where his body laid.  I asked him to forgive me, I tried everything I could to save him.  I felt some peace, I let it go.  I also asked him if he could watch out for Ashley, help keep her protected...I know it was a silly request, but you never know.

I am finally able to let it go...I did everything I could, now I can have some sort of closure.  Unfortunately, in the back of my mind there is still that fear, "What if this was Ashley?  Would I ever know?"  

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 and now it's my time to heal and my time to let this memory go...

Turn! Turn! Turn!

The Byrds