Thanksgiving Lost

Turkey Whisperer - 2009

Now that Thanksgiving is over I can breath...for a moment before I dive into the Christmas holiday madness.

This was the first Thanksgiving since my Step Daddy passed away, his presence was certainly missed.  His spot was set at the table...empty.  I took my usual seat, next to his.  I never thought I would say this, but I really missed him stealing food off of my plate and I missed stealing the black olives off of his.  We survived the day, we still managed to laugh and carry on, my husband continued Step Daddy's tradition of frying the turkey.  To our surprise Step Daddy's oldest son and daughter in law came over...for the first time EVER!  It was wonderful having them there.  In time Thanksgiving will get easier with Step Daddy gone...

but....

there's that one thing....

that one little thing that rips me apart...

tears my heart to pieces...

and it doesn't get easier with each Thanksgiving...

With each Thanksgiving I am reminded of the Thankgivings Ashley has missed.  23 years my heart breaks, a painful empty void takes over.  No matter how much I hide it from my family it still hurts.  Ashley has missed out on traditions and crazy ass antics and she has missed out on the love from the people she shares DNA with.

She will never experience her Gran'pa's fried turkey and telling her Gran'ma that her turkey is better and then whispering in Gran'pa's ear that his turkey is freaking awesome.  She has missed out on watching my sister, cousins and I fight over the black olives with a disgusted look on her face.  (I guess the black olive thing skipped a generation).  She has missed the table set with too much food and her Aunt and I explaining to her Gran'ma that we prefer our cranberries with ridges...you know the kind...slides out of can and jiggles.

Ashley doesn't know that it is okay to save room for desert, because the desert table is filled with yummy goodness.  We have an incredible sweet tooth and the desert table shows it.  Mom has to make two pumpkin pies every year because my sister claims one and refuses to share it...she will share it with her son and my kept daughter and chances are she would share with Ashley too.  She has missed out on my sweet potato pie and my to die for triple chocolate cake.  

No matter how wonderful the food is, or how full we are, or how much laughter we shared, I am still reminded that my First Daughter was lost to adoption and this is just another Thanksgiving lost.

Dreaming

For several weeks now I have had these dreams.  Each one is slightly different.  I try to pay attention to my dreams, but sometimes they are forgotten by the time I have my first cup of coffee.  Most people think dreams don't mean anything, but for me, my Mom and my sister, our dreams mean something...sometimes, rarely they are actual snippets of the future.  It has been a couple of years since I have had one of these snippets and right now I am wishing this was a snippet...

The dreams I have been having are about Ashley.

One of the dreams she calls me, there is a dream where it is a first conversation and other dreams where we are talking like we have a close relationship.  The conversations are positive, there is a lot of laughter.

Another dream we meet for the first time.  I can't remember where we are at or when it is...just someplace in the present.  We hug, we laugh, we act like we were never separated.

I have also dreamed that she was with me on Christmas Eve, with the rest of my family.  We interact like she has always been with us.  She would be with me on Christmas morning...it would be my husband, kept daughter, Ashley and I.  The pure joy could be felt.

There are so many variations, but they all represent the same thing.  We are together, we are happy and there is love.

I have been so busy with other things lately that Ashley has not consumed my every waking moment.  I wish I knew if this was wishful dreaming or if she was thinking of me or if she will finally reach out soon.

Silly dreams...silly, wishful dreams...





 

White & Nerdy

This song doesn't remind me of adoption, it doesn't make me think of Ashley, and it doesn't interpret my feelings about my two facebook messages being ignored by Ashley.

This is just a song that makes me laugh.  I hope it makes you laugh a little too...

White & Nerdy

Weird Al Yankovic

They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking
I'm so White N' nerdy

Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
 

I wanna roll with-
The gangsters
But so far they all think
I'm too white n' nerdy
 

Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Really, really white n' nerdy

First in my class here at M.I.T.
Got skills, I'm a Champion of DND
MC Escher that's my favorite MC
Keep your 40
I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin to the contrary
You'll find they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Steven Hawkings in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
I got people begging for my top 8 spaces
Yo I know Pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at minesweeper I can play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed,
my fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well, I'm number 1
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat but I gotta soldering gun
Happy days is my favourite theme song
I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon
Here's the part I sing on

They see me roll on, my Segway!
I know in my heart they think I'm
white n' nerdy!
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy
 

I'd like to roll with-
The gangsters
Although it's apparent I'm too
White n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
How'd I get so white n' nerdy?

I've been browsing, inspectin'
X-men comics you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket
I must protect 'em
my ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code who do they call?
I do HTML for them all
Even made a homepage for my dog!
Yo! Got myself a fanny pack
they were having a sale down at the GAP
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
POP POP! Hope no one sees me gettin' freaky!

I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour creme
I was in AV club and Glee club and even the chess team!
Only question I ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?
I spend every weekend
at the renaissance fair
I got my name on my under wear!

They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause
I'm so white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
All because I'm white n' nerdy
Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy
I wanna bowl with-
the gangsters
but oh well it's obvious I'm
white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!

Damn Chickens

For the past month we have been going out to Mom's property on Sundays to help out since my super awesome, kick ass Step Daddy passed away.  My Mom isn't one to ask for help, she was planning on taking care of the 10 acres and the animals herself.  Darling Husband had to tell her we were coming out to work on the fencing.  Mom felt bad about this, but she appreciated it.

As we were replacing the top rails of the fence Darling Husband noticed the posts that had to be replaced.  The rails were attached to the good posts and now it was a matter of getting the smaller tractor to start so he could use the auger on it.  The last two Sundays were spent on just the small tractor.  I couldn't really help with this so Mom gave me a project inside the house.  She wanted to put my obsessive attention to detail and organizing talents to work.  

My kept daughter refers to me as the Family Paparazzi, but what she doesn't realize is that her Gran'ma was the same way (still kind of is).  My kept daughters life is completely documented with pictures, maybe this comes from losing my First Daughter to adoption, or maybe I learned this from my Mother, or maybe I'm just a crazy Mom who carries a camera in her purse.

My project inside the house was to pull out all of the pictures from their albums in put them in photo boxes.  The albums were big and bulky and were taking up too much space.  I have spent the last three Sundays (we are taking off today) gathering and organizing pictures.  Photographic documentation dating back to the 1930's.

Going through all of these pictures has been tedious work.  I had piles scattered all over the living room, piles of pictures for each decade.  Every once in a while I would have to stop and take a break. I would step out onto the driveway and watch the turkeys in their pens, the peacocks running with the guinea hens, the horses wandering through the their pastures and the chickens running around the house like they were children.

Two weeks ago Mom came home from Church.  I was standing on the driveway talking to her as my kept daughter was petting a chicken.  These damn chickens think they are pets!!  I had a unlit cigarette in one hand and my lighter in the other.  

Yes, I smoke...don't give me crap about it, just be glad it's cigarettes and not drugs or alcohol.  I think I'm doing pretty good if smoking is the only bad habit I have picked up.

Anyways...I'm standing there talking to Mom.  Next thing I knew my unlit cigarette was ripped out of my hand.  I was shocked!  I looked down and one of those damn chickens was running off with it!!  Mom was cracking up.  The chicken had jumped up and snatched my cigarette and ran off with it!!!

Turns out a couple of days after my super awesome, kick ass Step-Daddy's funeral my Mom's friend came into town.  The friend and my Aunt were feeding the chickens broccoli, dipped in Ranch Dressing.  The chickens went nuts over the Ranch Dressing so they were able to train the chickens to jump and get the broccoli.  They were training these chickens like they were dogs!!

Now when I take my breaks and I stand out there on the driveway I hold my cigarette up so the chickens can't jump for it.  Damn chickens!!!