Monday, February 20, 2012

The Pretender

I was 18 years old when I lost my First Daughter, Ashley, to adoption in July of 1988.  I went through Jewish Family Services where they told me my daughter deserved a better life.  They filled my head with pretty lies about how happy she will be and what a wonderful life she will have.
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
Later they would also tell me that I had no right to my child, she belongs to them and if I changed my mind they would take me to court to get my baby and make me pay the thousands of dollars for the medical expenses and time wasted by the Agency.  I was coerced, they had me backed in a corner, they never once told me I was capable of raising my child, instead they said I can't.
Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?
They kept me in the dark, they never spoke the truth.  I did what they said and I was a "Good Birth Mother".  In blind faith I trusted them, it was going against what my heart was saying, but I had no one to help me.  My family closed their ears, eyes and hearts to my situation.  They believed the lies too.
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense
I stayed in touch with the Agency like they told me to do, I sent letters, cards and gifts to Ashley, like they suggested, but they mysteriously disappeared.  They promised me Ashley and I will reunite.  I had hope, I had faith, I refused to believe I could be so manipulated.
Spinning Infinity
Boy the wheel is spinning me
It's never ending, never ending
Same old story
July 2006 the kool-aid was starting to wear off, things weren't what they seem.  I was beginning to believe I was lied to.  Everything hit me like a ton of bricks...I was lied to...they lied to me to get my baby.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
No more, I will no longer play by their rules.  They manipulated me, they played on my worst fears so they could take my baby...like so many other agencies do.  I have been left feeling nothing but regret, shame, and feeling absolutely worthless.  In silence I was left with a longing, a broken heart from being separated from my child.
In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print, we are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story
I am just another Birth Mother who lost their child to adoption.  The Agency got what they wanted, they used me and then they threw me away...like I was a piece of trash.  They don't care about me, they can care less if I am ever reunited.  Actually, I believe they prefer we are not reunited so Ashley would never know the truth.  
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?


What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

The "Counselor" would say every once in a while "There is something about your eyes, your smile." She didn't realize it, but it was a look a Birth Mother with some fight left in her.  She may have succeeded all those years ago in getting my child, but what she didn't realize was that once I regained my strength, I was going to fight back.   
I'm the voice inside your head you refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face mirrorin' your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right, I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down, bring you to your knees
So who are you?  Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you?

It took me a long time, but I finally saw things for what they are.  I am not a whore, I am not worthless, I am not some piece of trash...and I certainly will not remain silent! 
Keep you in the dark, you know they all pretend
They can not keep me in the dark anymore.  I will not play along with their little game and spread the lies when it comes to adoption.  Domestic Infant Adoption is not a beautiful thing, it is a dirty, filthy institution that is allowed to coerce women into relinquishing their parental rights so they can make money off of the innocent children.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?


What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
Being a Birth Mother is painful.  I have been left with a painful void in my heart.  Unfortunately, I will have to continue living my life never knowing Ashley, never experiencing her childhood.  Adoption took my baby and threw me away and convinced her that I am insignificant.  
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
(You know they all pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
I will no longer surrender.  I will do everything I can to make sure my truth is heard, along with other truths from other Birth Mothers.  I can not stand silently by and allow another family to be destroyed.
So who are you?  Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you? 
So who am I?  My name is Veronica, my friends call me Roni.  I am a Mother of two who is raising one.  My first daughter was lost to adoption when I was 18 years old in July of 1988.  Adoption destroyed my family and 23 years later it still prevents my First Daughter from knowing the family she came from.  I may not be able to repair the damage adoption has caused me, but I can help prevent other young Mothers from falling victim to the adoption lies.


Foo Fighters
The Pretender







6 comments:

Susie said...

Fabulous post!!! I'm going to link to it.

"I may not be able to repair the damage adoption has caused me, but I can help prevent other young Mothers from falling victim to the adoption lies."
Yes ~ that is why I blog also.

In Blind Faith said...

Link away and keep telling your story :-)

~Roni

Sara said...

Roni:
Thanks for this blog post and for speaking your truth!
Sara

Laurie said...

Really great post, Roni! Taking some time to lick my wounds, but maybe I'll be back to join the voices that should never be silenced, soon.

Laurie

Demeter said...

This is a great post! You have expressed my feelings exactly...and exactly why I blog about my adoption hell.

Lorraine Dusky said...

Our righteous anger against the adoption industry needs to be stated over and over again. Oddly enough, we taclked the same subject in a slightly different manner at firstmotherforum.

this is the first time I found your blog--keep telling the truth, keep up the good work.

lorraine