Saturday, May 12, 2012

Anger Unleashed

Family members and friends know where I stand on Domestic Infant Adoptions.  When the subject comes up it is usually for some insight...insight on what adoption does to a First Mother 20 plus years after the loss.  Rarely does it ever turn into a heated argument.

A few weeks ago a close family member, who I will refer to as Megan, sent me a text.

Megan's fiance has a teenage son, the fiance and son had very little contact with one another for many years.  The son called the fiance out of the blue wanting to reconcile...because he got his 14 year old girlfriend pregnant.  Megan has decided to jump in the middle of this, wanting to fix the situation with the pregnant girlfriend, her heart is in the right place...but she is very black and white when it comes to teen pregnancy.  Megan has been trained to teach sex-ed to teenagers, so she believes she knows what the best solution is for this expectant teen mother, instead of giving the girl facts she pushes her own beliefs onto this girl, trying to pressure the girl and her Mother into doing what Megan believes is the right thing to do.

Megan asked me "What adoption agency did you go through?" The question was completely out of the blue, I've been doing a pretty good job with keeping adoption on the back burner, so the random question threw me off guard.  I replied "Why?"

"the little girl that got knocked up, her mom and I have been talking."  A bit of anger stirred, could it be said any tackier?  I mean really, is it too much to show a little compassion towards the girl?  As a teenager I was in her shoes and I know I would not have appreciated someone talking about me like this.  For some reason I suddenly became defensive...because Megan wasn't able to show a little bit of respect or because I was there once?  Who knows for sure, but I knew where this conversation was headed and I was not going to like it!

I was suddenly thrown back to my 18 year old self with everyone telling me what to do, threatening me into relinquishing my rights.  The lies I was told suddenly rushed forward, I was beginning to shake with the anger that was quickly consuming me, I could not allow someone to manipulate another expectant teenage mother.  No one deserves to go through the pain and heartache I have been living with for the last 23 years.  Quickly I texted back, anger was fueling my response, "If you are looking to recommend I would not do that.  Agencies lie and will do whatever it takes to get their hands on a baby so they can turn around and sell it to the highest paying, most desperate couples.  It's a legal form of baby selling...also, a mother and child should never be separated.  Is this why you are asking?"

My stomach begins to get upset at the thought of this 14 year old being forced into a decision she doesn't have the facts on.  A couple of weeks before I was told this girl wanted to keep her baby and the family is in full support of her decision, they will stand by her with whatever path she takes (lucky girl to have a family who will support her with her decision).  God, please let this girl's Mother have the strength to stand up for her daughter.

Dreading the next text message my phone vibrates.  "I want your advice, this girl is 14".  I know Megan too well, I know she only wants my advice if it is what she wants to hear, if it isn't what she wants to hear she will just get pissed off and ignore what is said.  My emotions start to get the better of me, "I can only give advice to someone who is standing in the same shoes I stood in.  Those on the outside have a false image that adoption is beautiful because they believe in the effing billion dollar a year propaganda the adoption industry shoves down their throats."

If she wasn't in another state I would go over there and smack her upside the head and tell her to stop being such a closed minded dumbass.

The phone vibrates again "I'm not trying to fire you up, I just want some advice, the mom of this girl wants her to have this baby and I don't know, but she is extremely young".  Yes, this girl is young, her body hasn't finished developing...she is only 14.  What Megan doesn't realize is that the decision belongs to the girl and her family is supporting her, she has no right to step in and demand the girl place the baby for adoption.  Hell, this isn't even Megan's's the fiance's son's girlfriend and the fiance and the son don't really have anything to do with one another.

She wants my advice?  Really?  No, she wants me to jump in and take her side on this matter.  I won't do it, I can tell the girl my story, but I won't lie and tell her "adoption is a beautiful thing".

Still consumed with anger I responded, "Who is pushing the adoption?  I can talk to her and I can get her in touch with other Mothers who lost their children to closed and open adoption.  I can also get her in touch with some adult adoptees who can also share their experiences".

A part of me was hoping that it was not my family member pushing for adoption, I needed her to tell me, even though I knew the answer in my heart.

Megan responds "The Mom is not pushing right now, but in this case I think I think it would be best, she is just a baby"  Just as I thought, it is Megan forcing the issue.  Yes, the girl is young, but again, it is the 14 year olds decision, she will be the one to live with the consequences, she needs to have the facts from others who have been in her shoes.  

At this point I know I am being ignored, but I have to say it again.  "Let me talk to her about my truth of adoption and I can get her in touch with others who went through closed and open adoptions along with adult adoptees.  I can also get a couple of people who had abortions and I can get her in touch with a teen mom.  She needs the facts in order to make a decision...not people telling her what to do with half-ass lies told by politicians and the adoption industry."

I'm frustrated and angry.  I know this is a losing battle, she won't listen to reason.  For the last two weeks I have heard her carry on about how she is too young to be a grandmother.  I still can't grasp why she says this...this girl is not her daughter and it is not her son who got her pregnant.  Is she getting in the middle of this because she thinks it is about her?  But how can this be about her?  She's stubborn, there is no way I can get her to understand this is not her business that she needs to meddle in.

The last message I receive on this subject..."I know that's why I asked you".  Unfortunately I know she will still push forward with her own agenda.  Knowing full well Megan will keep anyone away from this girl who does not say "adoption is beautiful and it's the best thing ever" I respond for the last time on this subject "Then let me talk to her and give her contact info of others she can talk to.  You can not 'pass on' my experience, my pain, my hell"

Later that night I told my husband what had happened.  It made me feel better hearing him say "Let me tell the girl what the future husband goes through who had nothing to do with the adoption process.  It would be easier to handle the emotions concerning a step child instead of the emotions of a Mother who lost their child to adoption".  It made me feel better hearing him say that...he sure has come a long way.  

I also mentioned something to my 13 year old daughter Cindy about it.  She rolled her eyes and said "Megan is a dumbass and I can tell this girl what it is like growing up without an older sister and what it is like having an older sister lost to adoption who doesn't give a crap that she has a younger half sister who needs her".

I know this is a losing battle with Megan, she won't stop and listen.  At least the rest of my family and my friends know that the best information an expectant teen mother can get when it comes to her choices is by talking to different people who have been in her shoes and this girl is lucky to have a family who will stand by her with whatever decision she makes.


Linda said...

Good for you for standing your ground. Megan really should not even have an opinion. This girl is not her family, so it's no skin off her back if the child is lost and the mother is destroyed. Age 14 is temporary. She has her family to help her, too. Adoption, as we know, is permanent.

Anonymous said...

I am glad you gave good advice and sad that Megan did not listen. I just recently posted in my blog about the "other" children in adoption, the natural siblings who are or will be affected by adoption. It is good that you can talk to your daughter about this. Nobody pushing for adoption seems to ever consider their losses or pain.

It is sad that a girl so young is pregnant because of how difficult it will be for her and her family. But difficult is far from tragic. Seperating a child and her mother is tragic.

birthmothertalks said...

Megan sounds like a fool and needs to leave that young girl and her family alone.

In Blind Faith said...

I agree Linda, Megan should not have an opinion with this girl!

UPDATE - the Fiance's Son is moving in with the girlfriend's family to help raise the baby and he has cut off contact once again with his father.

Anonymous said...

Fourteen year old children have no business having a baby! Babies are serious business and these two kids should not be allowed to "play house." The reality is that this unborn child should be given a chance. I think your personal emotions are guiding you in the wrong direction. You need to think about the big picture and look beyond your personal pain. Do you really think that a fourteen year old can manage all the needs of a baby? What planet do you live on? Look outside your box and take into consideration the needs of this child!

In Blind Faith said...

Anon - 14 year olds should not be having sex! Unfortunately the result of this 14 year old having sex is a child. My personal emotions come from being coerced into letting my child go and my child being raised by people outside of her family who can not tell her where her smile comes from, or her laugh, or her personality, etc. This 14 year olds family is in complete support of her having this is not an outsiders place to tell her to choose adoption. What planet do I live on? Apparently I live on a planet where it is acceptable to separate a mother and her child because wealthier, holier than thou people think they are more deserving to raise a child.