Monday, July 23, 2012

Happy 24th Birthday

Happy 24th Birthday Sweetheart.

The door will always be open for you and I will always be waiting with open arms.  I have and will always love you unconditionally.

Just to warn you though...when and if we see each other again I will probably re-count all of your fingers and toes and try to wrap you up in a blanket and hold you tightly in my arms.  And if I accidentally do this it is only because I missed out on so much with your life.

With all my heart,

Your Birth Mother 

Friday, July 13, 2012


I felt better yesterday, maybe it was because I was actually looking forward to my girls night out tonight with my friends I went to junior high with...Lord knows I need the distraction right now.  Or maybe it was my conversation the day before with my friend.

When my friend and I were talking I know her heart was in the right place, she wanted to help alleviate some of the pain I was feeling.  I still don't get the "forgive myself" thing...I stopped punishing myself 13 years ago, but something she said really stuck with me.

In strange little twisted ways mine and Ashley's paths cross.  Crossing paths is almost torture for me.  I told her about every little thing (which will be in an upcoming post) and how it brings my hopes up then I come crashing down when I realize Ashley isn't reaching out.

My friend said I was very lucky to keep crossing paths with Ashley like I do, some spend their lives receiving nothing, some women may get just a few occurrences in their entire lifetime.  But, for some reason, every time I turn around I get something.

Yes, I understand that I am one of the very few people in a closed adoption that has been able to get the tidbits of information, the glimpses into Ashley's life.  I am thankful for it, but it is torturing me.

My retired Ministered last December said I was receiving snapshots  and my friend agreed, frame by frame I learn more.  I told her I still don't understand why I get these tidbits of information. She told me it was so I can gain insight into who she is and so I can gain the strength and wisdom Ashley and I will both need for when the day comes and we are finally reunited.

She reminded me again that the glimpses I get are telling me something.  Ashley knows she is adopted, she is open (or was open) about talking about being adopted, she is afraid of hurting people if we are is quite possible someone has made her feel very guilty about wanting to know where she came from.

Again, I was told to be patient.  She will come around, right now she is still young, one day she will give into that pull and reach out to me.  It might not happen as soon as I like, but it will happen.  Ashley may not have the courage and strength at this moment.  Possibly she hasn't found anyone who understands what she is going through and until she finds someone to help her sort these feelings out we will not meet.


adoption sucks!

10 more days until her 24th birthday

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


A close friend checked up on me today...guess she remembered what time of year it is for me.

I had the poor woman on the verge of tears during our conversation.  I felt so bad, this was my heartache, something I would never wish on another person.

Some point during the conversation I told her about all the different times mine and Ashley's paths have crossed, the vivid dreams, and the "knowing" I felt when it came to Ashley.  She didn't tell me I was crazy or I was imagining things.  No, she told me our connection to one another was so strong there was nothing that could break that tie.

God how I wish that were true.

I told her about the path of self destruction I was heading down for a little over 10 years.  She told me it was completely understandable.  I was still just a child even though I was 18 at the time, the adults I was suppose to trust betrayed me in the cruelest way possible.  They left me emotionally broken in a world that couldn't possibly understand.

We talked about what happened at the agency.  I told her about the time I said I wanted to keep my unborn child and they threatened to take me to court to take my child away from me because I had no right to raise her.  They kept telling me I would be homeless, no one would help me and I would end up in one abusive relationship after another.  Tears were running down my face, my friend sat there shocked.  I told her they had me convinced there was nothing I could do...little did I realize at the time, they had no right to my baby!!

My friend was trying to fight back the tears and she told me I had to forgive myself.

Forgive myself?  How was I suppose to do that?

I forgave my mother after she apologized to me in 2006.  She told me she had no idea back then what it would do to me to lose my child like that, what it would do to my family.

I forgave Ashley's father, my boyfriend all through High School.  Every time we run into each other he always apologizes for treating me as shitty as he did when we were together and for cheating on me while I was pregnant and breaking up with me the day I came home from the hospital.  (I secretly enjoy it when he tells me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him).  I forgave him because he is now being paid back ten-fold and watching his misery honestly breaks my heart.  He is holding onto to so much anger now it is really taking a toll on's sad because he had so much potential.

I don't think I can ever forgive the Adoption Counselor and all the cruel lies she told me to get my baby.  I have washed my hands of her, Karma will come back on her for all the years she spent separating Mothers from their children.

These people were the key players in my life at the time.  I forgave two of them and washed my hands of the third.  So I asked my friend why do I need to forgive myself?

I have been blessed with a wonderful second daughter, a husband who is supportive in his strange way, my Mother is now there for me when I need her and I have a huge supportive group of friends who are there for me with a shoulder to cry on, a box of kleenex or a strong drink during the month of July.  I know what I go through in the days leading up to Ashley's birthday is not God punishing me.  Yes, right now I am an emotional mess, but I know the light at the end of tunnel always shows up on July 24th.

My friend hugged me and told me I needed to forgive myself for signing that piece of paper, at the time everyone in my life lead me to believe there was no other option.

So how in the hell am I suppose to forgive myself for something that was completely out of my control??