Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Things To Do: Scrapbooks!

The response was sent a couple of days ago...via email.  Now it's time to wait, again.

I'm not a patient person so I have to stay busy to keep myself from climbing the walls so I have created a list of things to do while impatiently waiting...

Things to do: Scrapbooks!  

I'm not talking just one, I'm talking 7 scrapbooks, each one just alike.  I started this little (more like overwhelmingly HUGE) project at the end of August.  These scrapbooks are actually Christmas presents (one of them is mine).  Back in 2009 my Mom, Aunt, Sister and I drove straight through to California to get my Uncle who my Mom and Aunt haven't seen since 1963.  His health was failing and we weren't going to let him be alone so we went out there to pack him up and bring him to Texas.

This road trip was certainly an adventure!  My Aunt handed me a journal and told me I had to write everything down.  Well, I didn't want to do it so I ended up writing about the off the wall how my sister and I were wearing matching PJ's while on the road and how we ended up in a field of prairie dogs, giant arrows that I threw myself in front of so it looked like my sister was stabbing me, giant fiberglass dinosaurs that my sister and I were underneath pretending like we were about to be eaten.  I even wrote about the Kamikaze Butterflies that were attacking the truck when we were on the highway.  I wrote about the crazy stuff and I had pictures that went with most of the entries.

We still laugh about some of the crazy things my sister and I did on this trip.  My half Uncle who had been packed up and thrown into a truck with 4 women for 3 days was certainly a good sport.  He passed away 7 months later and during those 7 months he talked about how the trip leaving his home of 35 years and coming to be with his sisters was the best trip ever.

So I thought it was a brilliant distraction for me to put everything together in a scrapbook, for each of us to have.  Why should I be the only one to have the journal and the pictures??

I drew the little picture for the front of the scrapbooks.  It is a little skull with sparkly eyes and a tiara.  The skull sits above a pair of panties and each pair of panties has a different saying (mines says "I miss the internet").  The words in the circle say "Pirate Princesses", that's what my sister and I kept calling ourselves.

When I started the scrapbooks I thought it was a good idea to put in a warning since there are some "colorful" words and references in the journal.  At least this way I can say they were warned!!

Yes, I did mention prairie dogs, small yap yap dogs, naked sheep and fiberglass dinosaurs in the warning.  I thought it was best to cover all of my bases.

Each journal entry was times!!  When I originally wrote the journal I used different colored ink for each entry, why use the same boring color for the adventures that were waiting for us??

Because I am a little OCD I had sharpies to match what I used in the journal.  I also "created" notebook paper out of card stock.  Hey, I want the scrapbook to last and I was trying to stay distracted!!

(that is the picture of me laying spread eagle in front of the arrow and my sister behind the staff pretending to stab me.)

I tried to match up all of the pictures with the journal entries.

The scrapbooks are just about done.  Thanks to this project I have been able to keep myself from obsessing over my email.

Thankfully my Aunt and a Cousin are coming in for Christmas so I don't have to ship these scrapbooks off...that would cost a fortune!!!  

So there you go...something to keep me from climbing the walls while waiting for Ashley to respond to my email.  And it is something that my family would love :-D

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Adoption Kool Aid Strikes Again!

"Good news is that the agency will be there for me if and when I am ready."
This sentence, this single sentence is absolutely killing me.  Every time I read it I start crying.  Good news?  How is that good news?  Really?

She has absolutely no idea what happened, not a single clue.  She believes adoption is a beautiful thing.

Damn that effing adoption kool aid!!!

If and when she is ready what is she going to find out?  You can't know a person from a piece of paper and God only knows what kind crap is in that file.  They already told me they can't find the letters, the cards, the little gifts I left for her...they acted like it was no big deal.  These "wonderful" people at the agency threw me away like some piece of crap stuck to the bottom of their shoe.

Good news?

How could it possibly be good news for me?  I'm the one who sat there each week and listen to "The Brainwasher" carry on about what a shame it was that I was pregnant because she could see me dating her son (gross!).

No there was no care or concern coming from her.

Just her telling me if I kept my baby my boyfriend would leave me and the baby and I would be living in a cardboard box under I-20.  Or I would be raising my child in one abusive relationship after another because no decent man would want a tainted woman.  This woman, this one woman managed to destroy every ounce of confidence I had in myself!!

Every time I said "My baby" the woman yelled at me telling me this was not my baby, I had no right to this baby.  (the baby wasn't even born yet)  Once I mentioned I wanted to keep my baby and the woman nearly choked on the handfuls of dry cereal she kept shoving in her mouth...she told me if I kept my baby they could take me to court and get my baby from me because I was an unfit, "loose" woman and I didn't stand a chance in court against them.

Sometimes she would tell me stories of this couple who she thought would be perfect.  They were rich, had a nice, big, beautiful house and so desperately wanted a baby.  They were from Dallas and lived in a very upscale neighborhood.  They had been married for seven years and had tried to get pregnant since they got married and unfortunately the wife was just not capable of conceiving and they have been waiting on "the list" for the last seven years.  There would be no way I would ever cross paths with them.

And the lies go on and on and on and on....

It took 18 years for me to find out about them.  They are not from Dallas.  They were not married for seven years.  The neighborhood was about 10 miles from my neighborhood...not in the area the Brainwasher described.  They were not on "the list" for seven years.  The wife did give birth to her own biological child a few years after they adopted Ashley. And has for crossing paths...well, I think our paths started crossing as early as 1989.

Ashley has no clue.  She has absolutely no idea that the "Good news" has been my freaking nightmare all these years.

She doesn't know any different, she was taught that this was a "beautiful thing".  She doesn't know about the pain in my heart caused by adoption and she doesn't know that my broken heart also ripples out and touches the people who are connected to me.

I can't come out and throw all that on the table, that would surely scare the daylights out of her and right now it would not be necessary to fill her in on that subject.  And if she is as stubborn as I am then she wouldn't listen anyway, she would have to find out for herself.

Am I getting upset over nothing??  The way she wrote the email I can tell she trying to be stand offish and guarded, that's fine...I understand that.  But the "Good news" part...that is absolutely killing me right now.

And I thought waiting in Limbo for the last 6 years was tough...

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I Got An Email!!!

I am so FREAKING excited....and nervous, scared, thrilled...just about every emotion is running through me!!

Yesterday morning I was checking my email and there was an email that caught my attention.  I started shaking and tears started running down my face and I was so scared I was felling nauseous.

Could it be?

Can it really be what I think it is?

I open up the email and OMG!  Butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I just received an email from Ashley!!

I read the email a couple of times, was I dreaming this?  Nope, it's real.

I sent a text to a friend who helped me with the video to let her know and then I called my Mom.  Mom kept saying "read it!  read it!"  I told Mom I wanted to throw up, so Mom kept telling me to breathe, it was going to be okay.  So I read her the email. 

My head was spinning.

In the email she thanked me, thanked me for the video, thanked me for the package.  She said the video had answered some questions she had wondered about and she was pleasantly surprised with what I said I the video and the video left her feeling warmth, calm and a sense of resolution.

I honestly didn't think she would watch the video this soon...hell....I wasn't expecting a response this quick!!!

There are a few things that did send me on the defensive real quick.  Way back when I talked about a friend of hers who came to me one day and the friend figured out who I was and then the friend had come back a few days later.  Well, Ashley is upset with me because her friend had carried this burden on her shoulders.  WHOA!  Hold the phone!!  I didn't search out the friend, the friend was a client who figured out who I was.  When the friend asked me what to do I told her only she knew the answer to that, she is an adult, I can not tell her what to do, she knows Ashley and knows if she should tell her or not.  I did tell her if Ashley was anything like me she would be upset if she ever found out the friend met me and never said anything.  So the friend carrying this burden is my fault, how?

 Then Ashley tells me that adoption is very personal and doesn't like that I talk about it.  What?  Yes, adoption is very personal.  But there is no way in hell I am going to go back into that God Forsaken Birth Mother Closet of Secrecy.  Okay, breathe...she grew up on the time she will know....she grew up on the kool-aid....she grew up on the kool-aid.

The last thing she mentions that threw me on the defensive was that the Agency will be there for her when she is ready...she will go to the Agency.  Yes, the Agency that coerced, threatened, manipulated me so they could take my child.  The Agency lied to me, if they lied to me then chances are pretty good they lied to Ashley's Adoptive Parents, and if they lied to us they will lie to Ashley.

Okay, I need to stop working this over....

I got an email!!!

She gave a list of her was like reading a description of was crazy!!  I LOVED it!!

Now the funny thing is...Friday I posted about that feeling I had....looks like this was it!!  YAY!!!

While I was busy freaking out over the email on the phone to Mom my sister sent me a text.  I called my sister and she said she had a feeling something big was happening with me and she wanted to check on me.  I asked her "Big like I got an email?"  My sister was so excited she cried.  She also told me about having weird dreams about strangers being around during the holidays, so I told her about my dream last Thursday night about Ashley being with us at Christmas.  We were both quiet for a moment...who knows, guess we will just have to wait and see...with our fingers crossed.

I wanted to let y'all know I got and email and I'm so excited!!  I haven't responded back yet because I need to get past those few things that threw me on the defensive.  I don't want the response to be defensive or sound bitchy.  Just because I got off the kool-aid doesn't mean that Ashley even knows she has a choice to refuse the kool-aid.


Friday, November 16, 2012

I just felt giddy...for no reason

Today I was quietly reading my Kindle in my facial room at work.  (Don’t judge…it’s a quiet, peaceful perk to working a commission only job on a slow day)  I wasn’t in a social mood to go hang out in the salon area with the Hair Stylists…it was just one of those days.  I was perfectly content reading my mystery.


Trying my best…

Trying my best to not notice my package was sent to Ashley two weeks ago.

No response…nothing.

I know, I know, it’s still too early.  Maybe she’s trying to figure out what to say?  Or maybe she’s making a video too?  Maybe she’s afraid to open the box.  Maybe it’s just too early to come to any conclusion.

Still stuck in limbo.  Sucky Adoption Limbo.  Stuck somewhere in the middle of reuniting and “who cares that you are my First Mother”.  Yep, still stuck in that comfortable, never knowing, unsure Limbo.  Just little ol’ me, curled up in my facial room reading my Kindle and sipping my heavenly Pumpkin Spice Latte.

About 1pm a strange feeling came over me.  I was giddy, I felt this overwhelming joy, like I wanted to skip through a field of daisies.  It was strange because I was just in a quiet mood.  I walked out into the salon and looked at one of my friends.  She started laughing and asked why I looked so confused.  I told her why.  

The friend was excited; she said “Maybe you are getting a response”.  I laughed and told her “I wish”.  Another friend joined in on the conversation.  Friend 2 said, “Maybe she’s making a video.”  I laughed again and told friend 2 “That would be awesome, but I doubt it.  I can sense things with my close family members, I doubt I can sense anything with Ashley…I didn’t raise her, remember?”  Friend 3 piped in “You gave birth to her, biologically you are her Mother.  You two bonded when you were pregnant with her and you two sealed that bond when you held her.” 

I mentioned earlier that it was a slow day at work, right?

Several more people joined in on the conversation we were having at the color bar.  I’m trying not to laugh and roll my eyes.  All I did was mention that I felt giddy and this sense of overwhelming joy.  Next thing I know I have about six Hair Stylists coming up with different ways that Ashley would make contact with me and they were all coming up with how much longer I would have to wait.  I love these girls dearly, but they could never truly grasp what I’m going through…I am grateful to have them as my little cheerleaders though.  


I mean really…the giddy, overwhelming joy could honestly be anything!!  

Guess it was a good thing I didn’t mention to them that I had a dream last night that Ashley was celebrating Christmas at my house with my family on Christmas Eve.

Monday, November 5, 2012

The Never Ending Waiting Game

Well, it's done.  It is out of my hands.  I have done everything I can do...this is my final attempt. 

I have lived with an empty spot in my heart for a little over 24 years.  I have tried my best to remain positive.  So many things have happened through the years that scream out "Don't give up on Ashley!"

Something, someone, has kept me connected to her, preventing me from shutting the door from the pain I carry in my heart.

Is it an unbreakable bond that happens between Mother and Child?  

Is it something saying we were never suppose to be separated?  

Or is it finally understanding what Domestic Infant Adoption does?  Is it realizing after all these years that the Adoption Machine took advantage of my young, naive, emotional state and used it to lie to me to snatch my baby?

I don't know...I don't have the answers.

Unfortunately, I am now left in a state of limbo.  A piece of my heart was ripped away from me so people who had more money could be the saviors of my child.  Saviors.  My child did not need to be rescued, my child did not need to be saved.  No, my child needed to be raised in her family.  She needed to be with the people who know and understand the little things that make her who she is.

She wasn't a blank slate.  She carries part of me, part of her genetic history in her. 

Yes, I have tried to reach out to her...unsuccessfully.  So this time I tried a different approach.  Since I do not know what she has been told repeatedly through out her life and I do not know for sure if she was threatened to be cut off from the only family she knows if she reaches out.  I do not know the family dynamics she grew up in.  Hell, who knows...maybe she hates me and would spit on me if she ever saw me.  I don't know.  All I have is a gut feeling.

Through the years I have listened to Adoptees and even some Adoptive Moms (not the crazy ones who think it is their God given right to take babies away from their Mothers).  I have tried to keep my heart open and have hope and remain positive.  Thank you to everyone who helped me with my last attempt at reaching out.  And Jenn, big squishy hugs!!!

I created a 6 minute, 28 second video.  I had to re-do this video a thousand time (so it seemed).  I briefly touch on when I was pregnant with her, what it was like, what I craved, her Birth Father, our relationship, when I went into the hospital, our time together, what I named her.  I told her she was wanted.  I also told her I will NOT step in and be Mom.  I know she loves her parents and the woman who raised her earned the title of "Mom"...a title I never earned.  Through out the video I tell her there are other stories, if she ever wants to hear them.

I made the little jewel case cover.  Yes, there are a couple of Alice in Wonderland references in the video, on the cd and on the jewel case.

I know some were concerned about just sending a video and it freaking out Ashley if she just pops it in.  I wrote a little letter letting her know how I tried to write a letter, but the words never came out right, the short video seemed to work best.  I did give her a heads up as to what is on the video so she can choose to watch it when she feels ready.  In the letter I do give her my email address.  The letter was placed on top of the cd in the gift box.

I did make a brief comment about a full blood Swedish woman who welded planes during WWII.  So, I picked up a 2" Swedish Dala Horse.  I did cringe at how expensive the little wooden horse was, but it was hand carved and hand painted in Sweden.  Right now I am hoping she doesn't see it and just throw it away.  I also picked up a Swedish Milk Chocolate Bar and attached a note.  "Just in case you have an insatiable sweet tooth.  It's okay to eat it in one sitting if you want :-)"

I wrapped everything up as perfectly as my nervous little hands could.  (yes, I'm a little OCD)  I am hoping she will see that a lot of love and care went into this.

Last Friday a work friend of mine had asked me "what if she freaks out when she gets the package?"  I told her if Ashley would have responded to my facebook message last year then I wouldn't have done this.  So my friend replies, "Oh, I get it.  Ignore little Miss OCD and she sends you gifts."  I laughed and told her only if I gave birth to you.  My friend hugged me and told me to stay positive and don't obsessively check my email.

Wednesday morning I packed up everything and wrote a little note asking that she have an open heart and an open mind.  Another co-worker friend of mine saw the open box and prayed over it, she said she prayed for a positive response.

The box was shipped, scheduled to arrive Friday morning at her work.  If you read my previous posts it was decided this was the best option since sending it to her home would probably scare the daylights out of her...finding her work address was public information.  I was hoping she received the box before she left work on Friday so she could process, if need be, at home over the weekend.  I felt bad enough shipping this to her work.

The package was received at 11am.  It is now out of my hands.  I have done everything I could possibly do and I know I can't reach out again, this was my final attempt.  I am trying my best to think positive thoughts, I know it may be a while before I get a response.

If she ignores this then I stay in limbo and to be totally honest.  I think staying in limbo is making me a little nuts.

If she tells me to go to hell then I can try to figure out how to deal with it, maybe then I can figure out how to let go...but leave my door open.

If she tells me she's not ready then that's okay least I know I am not being ignored.

If she opens the door then of course I would be ecstatic!!

So now all I can do is wait...that never ending waiting game.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

What happened to my patience?

I will write later, but I wanted to let y'all know the video is done and the package I created is being shipped to my First Daughter Ashley.

I do have a tracking number and the package should arrive Friday morning at her office.  I am hoping she gets it before she leaves work.  

Like I said before, I will write later about the package and video I ended up pulling together for Ashley.  I hope and pray that I have somehow touched her and she will make positive contact.

I am trying my best to remain positive and hopeful!!!