I won't be around much this week...

I won't be around much this week...

Yesterday my husband and I helped repair part of the fence in one of mom's pastures.  It took us a little while to figure out where Daddy kept everything.  Later in the afternoon mom came home from church and told my husband "why don't you just use the tractor to haul everything around?"  My husband who grew up in a farm quickly remembered how to drive a tractor (it was a blast sitting on the fender while he was driving!).  It made quick work of dragging 16' boards around...especially when the horses were busy "supervising" us.  So my body is sore...and sunburned.  I know, I'm an Esthetician, I should be one of those people slathering on the spf and reminding everyone to do the same...but I did not.

The seasons are starting to change here in North Texas.  Yes, we actually have seasons, they aren't the picture perfect seasons that the other states get to have, but they are Texas seasons.  Now that we are heading in fall with a bad drought there is all kinds of crap floating in the air.  So, I am currently battling a sinus infection...happy, happy, joy, joy.

Nice...a sore body, a sunburn, and a sinus infection....

Last week an acquaintance got a hold of me.  She told me about the Salon/MedSpa she is working at.  She said enough to get me interested, she was glad I was interested because she had already told the owner about me and she was wanting to hire me.  After playing phone tag for a few days I was able to interview with her.  All I can say is Hot Damn!  This place is 10 minutes from my house, 15 minutes in traffic!  That would mean no more driving 45-60 minutes going to work!  Sweet!  This place has more opportunities for me, plus I can eventually lease my own place when I am ready.  The only negative is that it will be straight commission, but the positives certainly out weigh that.  She wants me...sore body, sunburn and all, but she needs to see how quickly she can get the "drama filled" Esthetician out the door.  I did tell her I was giving my current employers 2 weeks notice, I adore them and I'm not burning that bridge.  (Beauty world is completely different than Corporate world.)  So now I am just waiting for a phone call letting me know when this other girl is leaving so I can start there.

So I'm going to go grab my box of kleenex, sinus medicine and go curl up in bed...hopefully I will be back to normal soon!

Beautiful

Losing a child to a closed adoption is certainly no picnic.  There are some days that are just fine, then there are other days when it is painful.  Sometimes, the words used to coerce me come flashing back, leaving me feeling lost and insecure.  There is an emptiness left inside of me, a void that will never be filled, nothing can take that emptiness away.  A piece of me was taken away, leaving my puzzle undone.

23 years later I am able to finally say...actually quote Christina Aguilar's song..."We are beautiful no matter what they say.  Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no We are beautiful in every single way.  Yes, words can't bring us down"

Beautiful

Christina Aguilera

Spoken:
Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, I saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay


And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

Some Adopters make me nervous too

When people talk adoption around me it gets my attention.  What makes me uncomfortable is when the person gets excited for a couple for adopting.  It makes me cringe, all kinds of scenarios go through my mind.  When I meet Adoptive parents I tend to crawl back into myself, waiting for some nasty remark about how they are so much better than the First Mother.  I usually get a sick, uneasy feeling when I come across Adopters, but I know not all adoptive parents are the same...

Last July when I had to go testify for that Murder Trial that ended in a hung jury (retrial begins Nov. 14th) one of the witnesses was all excited, she said the reason the trial was postponed in June was so the Judge and his wife could adopt their newborn baby.  I remember feeling sick to my stomach...and not because I was about to go on the stand.  When the Judge swore me in I remember looking up at him with disgust.  What right does he have to sit on a bench and decide the fate of the accused when he participated in destroying a young woman's life by taking her baby.  After I was sworn in I couldn't look at his face.

A while back I posted about my HR Manager telling me she remembered Ashley's Adoptive Mom saying nasty things about me.  According to HR Manager Ashley was very vocal about being adopted, it seemed like she was excited about telling the world about it.  The Adopter had no problem telling everyone what she thought of me.  She would tell people I was trash, I was a worthless whore, she hoped I was dead, she wished I didn't exist, etc, etc, etc.  Now, I took what HR Manager said with a grain of salt, she has the tendency to exaggerate...A LOT!

When I was told this I did get upset, who wouldn't.  I had spent all of these years being positive about Ashley's Adoptive parents, my heart was filled with love for them, partly because of the adoption kool-aid and partly because it is my nature...to love.  What right did this woman have to publicly bash me when she had no clue as to who I am and the kind of person I am.  I have been kind and considerate of them all of these years and this is what I get in return?  I was angry.  HR Manager apologized to me for telling me this bit of information, I told her it was okay, I needed to know so I have an idea of what I will be dealing with.  This was the Adoptive Mother's insecurity, not mine.

I was very upset about this information.  How dare she say these things about me!  The rage I felt was unbelievable.  I told my friends in my "Super Secret Sisterhood", they were angry with me, except one.  This one friend was not a First Mother like us, she was an Adoptive Mother.  The love and understanding she had for us was the reason we brought her into the fold.  Mrs.Cali is an amazing woman.  She was upset about the nasty things Ashley's Adoptive Mother said about me, but she reminded me of something.

Mrs.Cali reminded me of how I carried these people in my heart, it didn't matter who they were, they were in my heart because they were caring for my Ashley.  She reminded me to not stoop to her level and I was the bigger person, and most important, she reminded me not all Adoptive Mothers are like that...and she was right!

***Mrs.Cali - I know you read this sometimes, you know who you are.  Thank you, thank you for everything, thank you for being my "Sista".

MotherHen, the one who gave me permission to contact Ashley, is another one I can bring into the fold.  I have known MotherHen since I was about 13 or 14 years old.  When we spoke about Ashley at Daddy's Memorial Service it took me off guard.  I was mourning the loss of a wonderful man and MotherHen was trying to let me know she was on my side.  MotherHen does not think highly of this Domestic/International Adoption that our society praises.  She can't comprehend why it is acceptable to remove a child from their mother and hand the child over to someone else who is "worthier".  There are so many children lost in our Foster Care system that deserve to be loved too, this is why she adopted a child she was Fostering.

She believes every child has the right to know who they are and where they come from and she's not talking about the adopted roots, she's talking about the biological roots!  Knowing MotherHen she has already researched her adopted daughters family so when her daughter turns 18 (after she graduates high school) she'll hand everything over.  MotherHen is the kind of person that will be her adopted daughter's biggest cheerleader when it comes to making contact

Why can't Ashley's Adoptive Mom be like Mrs.Cali or MotherHen?

In cyber world, there is an Adoptive Mom's blog I read, Rebecca at Love Is Not Pie, She doesn't make me nervous or give me that uneasy feeling.  One day I will venture out and read other Adoptive Mom blogs, but for right now, I can handle Rebecca's...and Malinda at adoptiontalk.

When I hear people talk about about Adoption I listen closely.  I am protective of other First Mothers, Adoptees, and the handful of extraordinary Adoptive Mothers.  As for the other Adopters...they make me nervous...

Things to do: Knit a sweater for your Koi Fish

Still no word on the message I sent to my First Daughter on August 17th...or the follow up message I sent on October 10th.  I am stubborn enough to not give up hope and I have a quirky enough personality to come up with a random list of things to do to help pass the time.  I know as long as I can keep my sense of humor then I should be able to keep from climbing the walls!!

Things to do while you patiently wait for some sort of response from your First Child...

Knit a sweater for your Koi Fish

Okay, I know, this is completely ridiculous.  If you think about it the fish remain outdoors, they don't get the luxury of staying nice and cozy indoors during the winter.  They are stuck outside in the cold water hibernating.  So why not help them out a bit by knitting sweaters for them?

To be totally honest, I have never seen a Koi Fish swimming around wearing a cozy little sweater and this certainly would be an odd sight to see...especially when I can not knit to save my life.


**This "thing to do" was suggested by my Japanese co-worker.  The thought of knitting a sweater for Japanese Koi Fish had her cracking up...silly girl!

Follow up to "Jumping the roadblock"

Last August I finally sent Ashley a message on facebook.  I never received a response from her yet.  Since then she has moved to California.

With encouragement from several of you and with the help of a certain special someone I have sent a follow up message on facebook.

I did let her know in this follow up that I am here for her whenever she is ready and I would like to have contact to get to know her...snail mail, email, texting or messaging is best at first so I do not come across as a babbling nut on the phone.  I also told her I would love to answer any questions she may have.

I don't know if I will get a response.  I really hope she replies with something, even a "leave me the hell alone" will be fine...I do hope it is something positive.

So there you go...I wait again for something, anything, just some kind of response!

The Quest for the hypoallergenic cat

Back in 2006 I had a MySpace profile.  This profile was set up for Ashley, it was a non-threatening way for her to know what kind of person I am.  A girlfriend of mine recommended I only post about current things happening with me and leave out anything adoption related and anything with my kept daughter.  While I was looking for something on my computer I ran across this post I published originally on MySpace the summer of 2006.

This story is funnier when I tell it in person, I'm a very animated person, what can I say? 

The Quest for the hypoallergenic cat

A few summers back, before DH and I got married, we were looking for a cat that I wasn’t allergic too.  I have always loved cats.  I used to have this orange tabby named Carnegie.  I loved Carnegie, he was the best cat!!  Unfortunately, I would sit there and pet him and slowly my arm would start to get covered with hives.  I wouldn’t stop petting him so the hives would spread and I would start having asthma attacks.  It finally got to the point that I had to give Carnegie away.

I missed having a cat terribly.  The dogs couldn’t exactly take the place of a cat.  My husband started researching “hypoallergenic” cats.  He found a couple of breeds so we went to the Fort Worth cat show to check them out.  I was armed with my Children’s Liquid Benedryl…just in case.  Well, I was okay, no problems.

The following Saturday we drove out to this little town to this Cat Breeders house.  My hair was a lot longer back then, I had it pulled back.  I was wearing a tank top with spaghetti straps and shorts.  If I was going to get a reaction it would be noticed.  Anyway, we get out there.  We get a little nervous when we see the place, we decided to continue on.  We are taken into this room where all of the cats are.  The smell of ammonia just about knocked us over.  The cats would scatter when the breeder would try to pick one up, not a good sign.  He had claw marks all over him!!  Another bad sign.  He picked up this one cat and handed it to me.  He was a sweet cat; he would let me rub his belly.  I was loving it!!  I noticed this poor sweet cat had watering eyes, he was drooling and sneezing.  Poor thing had a respiratory infection, another bad sign.  As I am petting this cat he would throw his head into my jaw, purring.  Well, DH gave me a funny look and told me we needed to get going.  Sadly, I give the cat back and we left.

We get into the truck.  I’m guessing the poor cat had mites because I was itching…like bug bite itching.  When we got on the highway DH asked if I had a mirror.  I pulled one out and OMG!!!  My face was swollen, big puffy bumps all over my face and neck.  I looked over at DH and he was trying not to laugh.  I looked again and told him “Hey Look!  I have lips for the first time ever!!”  Turns out I forgot to bring the benedryl and we were at least an hour away from the house.  We get off the highway to find a Walgreen’s. 

We get into Walgreen’s and I head straight for the pharmacy.  There was a Pharmacist on duty.  I leaned over and asked him if these bumps were hives or bug bites.  He gets a terrified look on his face and starts backing up.  He asked where have I been and I told him that didn’t matter, I wanted to know if these were hives or bug bites.  He backs up more and asked if I was around cats.  Again, I ask are these hives or bug bites!  He starts hollering “I’m deathly allergic to cats”, I looked at him a bit irritated now and yelled back “Well DUH!  So am I, that’s why I’m asking!!”  This man was acting like I had some horrible disfiguring disease.  He ran out of the pharmacy. I found my DH and told him where the benedryl was.  That man was absolutely no help!!  He never answered my question!!

DH tosses the bottle at me cracking up and told me to start drinking it.  I had half of the bottle down by the time we checked out.  We leave and get back into the truck.  We looked over and the pharmacist had scurried out.  He stopped in his tracks when he saw us; I thought he was going to scream!  DH and I were cracking up all the way home…I think that Pharmacist has lost his mind!!  

Buster in 2008.  My chunky monkey.

We ended up at the Richardson Animal Shelter and picked up a 6 week old Seal Point Siamese for $3.  I’ve never really had a reaction to Siamese so we knew I was good to go!!  And we saved about $797.00 getting our female cat that I named Buster. 

Against All Odds

This song took on a new meaning after losing Ashley to adoption.  To this day I still do not understand how I let them take her away...without a trace, for so long.  I wish I could make her turn around and see me because there is so much to say and Ashley coming back to me is against all odds....

Against All Odds

Phil Collins

How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain,
and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me
is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you,
well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
'cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take, oh, oho

Just take a look at me now 

Things to do: Hug a random stranger

Still no word on the message I sent to my First Daughter on August 17th.  I am stubborn enough to not give up hope and I have a quirky enough personality to come up with a random list of things to do to help pass the time.  I know as long as I can keep my sense of humor then I should be able to keep from climbing the walls!!

Things to do while you patiently wait for some sort of response from your First Child...

Hug a random stranger.

That's right, go up to a random stranger (who is not scary looking) and embrace them.  This might be a little intimidating at first, but try it.  Just hug them, then walk away. 

If you want to make it more fun act like the stranger is some long lost friend.  The stranger will be so stunned they won't know what to say, they will probably try to figure out a polite way of letting you know you have the wrong person.  After you do this walk away saying "it was great seeing you again"


The stranger will probably be in complete shock, but that's okay.  They got a hug and who knows that hug might have made their day.  Plus it will give them something to smile and talk about.

So go out there and hug a stranger, brighten someone's day.