Pacing the floors

It has been two weeks since I sent the message to Ashley on facebook.  No response.  This is how I'm feeling about it today...

I am trying very hard to be patient and stay positive.  I don't obsessively check my messages and when I see a message alert I don't get my hopes up.  I keep telling myself it is what it is.

But this is killing me!!  Has she seen the message?  Is she ignoring me?  Is she thinking about what to write?  By now I'm guessing if it were negative she would have already said it, hell, she could have responded with a "I'm not the one you are looking for".  

I'm climbing the walls over here.  

Now it looks like she is planning on moving to California.  Could this be the delay in responding?  I'm okay if it is...just tell me!!

I just wish someone would rip this band-aid off.  Please, just pull the skin tight, grab that band-aid and rip it off...quickly!!  Just make sure you pull parallel with the skin and against the hair growth so hairs are pulled from the root and not broken off.  

Hmmm....odd comparison, but I think I can go with it...instead of band-aid it's a wax strip.

Come Out, Come Out, Where Ever You Are

When I was pregnant with Ashley I tried to hide the pregnancy as much as I could…mainly to protect me and my baby.  My family thought of me as a disgrace, my adoptive father and his family disowned me.  The people I thought were my friends vanished.  My mother would humiliate me and make me feel unworthy.  My boyfriend would tell me repeatedly I was ruining his life.  So I had to build the walls to protect me.

At the time I didn’t know anyone who was in my position.  My classmates were getting abortions.  The counselor at the agency kept telling me there was another girl, we were the same age, and her baby was due shortly before mine.  I never ran into her.  When I was in the hospital another girl came in, she was going through the same thing as me.  I knew she had a baby boy after I delivered Ashley, but I never saw her either.  I felt so alone, I had no one who could understand.  It seemed like I was alone on some deserted island with stories of others; but I would never meet another.

This feeling of isolation made me believe I was not worthy of being loved or wanted.  So my experience as an unwed teenage mother who lost her daughter to adoption became a way for me to push people away.  I honestly believed no one wanted to be associated with a Birth Mother and I believed I wasn’t worthy of being treated like a human being.  This is what adoption did to me.

For many years I carried this shame.  As I met people and I started to feel close to them I would get scared.  I was taught to believe that I was this horrible person, so in order to protect myself I would tell them about Ashley.  If they stuck around then I felt safe enough keeping them close, if they ran the other way then I would be glad that I didn’t give them the chance to hurt me.

So all of these years I never ran across another Birth Mother…talk about feeling alone!  Right before Ashley turned 18 I joined adoptiondotcom.  At the time I did not realize how “Pro-Adoption” it was (I was still slamming down the kool-aid).  I just wanted to connect with another Birth Mother.  I needed to find others so I would feel so alone.

I was meeting other Birth Mothers, they were scattered all over the United States.  I live in Texas, why was I feeling like I was still alone?  Thanks to my online friends I was making (our super secret sisterhood) I no longer felt “less than”.  I was starting to feel empowered, the shame I had felt was slowly slipping away.  But I was still feeling like the only Birth Mother in the Lone Star State!

Until one day…it finally happened!  I met another Birth Mother on adoptiondotcom; turns out she lived about 10 miles down the road from me!  I couldn’t believe it, I was no longer alone!  We were about the same age and her first daughter was a little older than Ashley.  We grew up not far from each other and we had the same OB/GYN!  For the first time in 18 years I was face to face with another Birth Mother, someone who actually understands!  We are still friends; we are there for each other.  She has a relationship now with her First Daughter and she was the one chanting on the phone “Do it! Do it!” when I sent the message to Ashley two weeks ago.

This sense of empowerment I felt actually made me step out of that awful Birth Mother closet.  I opened up to a friend of mine.  We were both Girl Scout Leaders and we were inseparable at Girl Scout events.  One night I told her about Ashley, not to push her away, just to confide in her.  She reacted in a way I never expected; she was a Birth Mother too!  Her son was born about a year after Ashley.  We talked and cried and laughed about how we were brought together.  I quickly began to understand that she was still on the kool-aid…she was getting heavy doses of it!  We stopped talking about adoption when I could not agree with the adoption lies.  We are still friends, I love her dearly, and when she is ready to kick the kool-aid she knows I am here for her.

After meeting these two Birth Mothers I realized something…we are EVERYWHERE!  We are your friends, sisters, mothers, daughters.  We are your neighbors, school room moms, baby sitters, and teachers.  We are your Girl Scout Leaders, Camp Leaders, and Mentors.  We are EVERYWHERE!  So why is it so hard for us to find each other?  There isn’t even a support group in my area for Birth Mothers that doesn't serve up Adoption Kool Aid as a refreshment!

I know we aren’t the only three here in Texas.  We aren’t second class citizens, we are deserving of being loved and respected.  We are amazing, strong women who lost their children to adoption and this Birth Mother will no longer allow anyone to treat me like some piece of trash!

Come out, come out, where ever you are….

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

Right now this song describes what I am feeling this week...

Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me

Elton John

I can't light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white

I'm growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life

Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life

But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

I can't find, oh the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel

Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me

 

Strange Behavior...

It has been a long day.  In between facials and waxing, when I would have my few quiet moments I would try to tell myself that Ashley was just trying to figure out what to write.  Well, my boss had this very excited look on his face and asked "Any word yet?".  I told him I was trying to not obsessively check my messages.  He was so excited, you would have thought it was Christmas Morning or something.  So I logged in...nothing...but something caught my eye...

My youngest daughter is also on Facebook, my husband and I monitor it...heavily.  She had posted this "status", I couldn't believe what she wrote, it sounded so grown up.  This is what she posted:

Listen up. if someone tells u a secret its just between u and them not the whole school not your best friend just the person and if they give you permission to tell others than go ahead. but if you tell others than its going to come right back at you and hurt really bad. that includes all the little drama queens and girls that think they are all that well here is some news your not

I knew immediately this had something to do with this girl who has been trying to terrorize my daughter for the last two years.  I emphasize "trying" because this person has not succeeded.  My youngest daughter is one of those who sits back to see how things play out first, she gathers information (wonder where she gets that) about what is going on before she jumps in the middle of any bickering.  She gets along with everyone, she doesn't like to see her friends get hurt and when she needs to she will step up and defend the person who needs defending.  This "mean girl" is jealous and is insecure, she wants what my youngest daughter has.  During the last year my daughter's friends have been doing everything they could to protect her from this "mean girl".  For being a 12 year old, just starting 7th grade I think my daughter has done an amazing job of building lasting, solid friendships with a large group of girls.  I'm proud of her!

Well, my boss saw the posting.  His immediate reaction..."Are they picking on her because she is excited about having an older sister?"  I told him I was pretty sure this had to do with the "mean girl".  He kept carrying on about how these girls are now trying to hurt my youngest daughter because I lost my First Daughter to adoption.  I told him to get over himself.

Why on earth would he automatically assume her posting is adoption related?  She's a 12 year kid, she just started Middle School...there will be drama and it's usually about other girls at school or boys...not about having an older sister lost to adoption.

So my thinking on this is, correct me if I'm wrong, is that my boss will be the one having the nervous breakdown if I get rejected (or constant ignore) by Ashley.  He keeps asking if I have heard anything and when I tell him no he starts to get really upset and he starts worrying it will be bad.  I love my bossman dearly, but seriously.  He needs to believe me when I tell him if I get rejected via facebook I might get a little sad, but I won't give up.  If she tells me to F*** Off in a letter I will probably cry, but I won't give up.  If she shows up at my doorstep and tells me to go to hell I might fall back into that pit of despair, but I won't give up.   Who knows, these will be my emotions to deal with...not his.

BTW - I was correct.  Her posting was because the "Mean Girl" was trying to stir crap up.

Waiting and Waiting and Waiting

It has been a week now since I sent my First Daughter Ashley a message on facebook.  The message was short and sweet.  Started off with a "not sure you are the person I'm looking for".  I know she is my First Daughter, but I did not want her to panic.  I went on to explain that I am a Birth Mother who lost her First Daughter to adoption 23 years ago.  I chose "lost" because I wanted to keep her and I didn't want to go into telling her I was coerced, and I didn't want her to think I willing to give her up.  I made it very clear that I did NOT want to disrupt her life, I just wanted to know if she was happy.  All she had to do was respond with a yes or a no and if she was comfortable with more then that would be great!  I wanted to keep it easy for her...all she had to do was type yes or no...that's it.  The message was wrapped up with me telling her if she is my First Daughter then I wanted her to know she has always been in my thoughts and I carried her in my heart and if she is not then I apologized for this "weird random message".  Signing the message was a little difficult, I  wasn't quite sure how to do it.  I finally decided on signing it with just my nickname everyone calls me by, my name on her OBC in parenthesis and my current last name.  I figured this would give her the choice to call me whatever she wants with no pressure.

The message was short, to the point, tried to help make it easier for her, tried to leave it open enough for a response, no pressure and a little humor.

So I wait.  I am proud of myself for not checking my messages every 5 minutes, I only check it two - three times a day.  The sent message is still showing up in my messages, I don't know how to check to see if she has opened it and I don't know if she deletes it if it will be deleted from my messages too.  On the bright side she has not blocked me...I know, strange way of picking out the silver lining, but I will take it!

If she responds in a negative way I know I will be okay.  I might be a little disappointed, but it will not throw me down a path of self-destruction (been there, done that, got the t-shirt).

If she responds in a positive way then I will probably shout my joys from the rooftop!

But right now I worry that I am being ignored.  I don't like being ignored, hell, my personality is too big to be ignored!!  I just wish I would get something as simple as a "Yes, but I am trying to figure out how to respond" or a "Leave me alone!"  Something, anything, I need this band-aid ripped off quickly, not pulled slowly.  

I know it has only been a week and I know better than to expect something in return so fast.  I just wish I knew if she read the message and if she is trying to figure out what to say or if she wants me to just go away.  This feeling of not knowing is making me feel very anxious and I just don't like that feeling. 

So here I am...waiting and waiting and waiting....

The Cat Is Out Of The Bag

Last Thursday I received a text from my kept Daughter's (we will call her C) best friends Mom (we'll call her F).  What I read really made me angry.  I was at work and I wouldn't be getting off until 8pm, so I was stuck.  The message I received was a snapshot of a text C sent to her best friend H, about a boy coming over to the house earlier that morning.  All kinds of things went running through my head.  I heard C and H's other best friend was also at the house, this concerned me because this friend, L, was not allowed to be at our house if we weren't home because her Mom (who we will call B) didn't completely trust her to be alone.  I called B, she knew we weren't home and L was at our house for about 15 minutes before the girls came over to her house.  I told B about the text, she found it upsetting also and she said she would get back to me.  She later called to tell me last Tuesday my 12 year old daughter thought it would be a good idea to have 5 of her friends over and 3 boys.

I did call C about this, she kept changing her story.  I called my husband and he told me I was over reacting.  Over reacting?  Seriously?  

I left work and rushed home.  My daughter was sitting in her room.  I pulled out my photo album from high school and called her into the kitchen.  I was furious!  I explained to her what could have happened, she kept saying these boys were only friends.  So I flipped open the photo album, pointed out the boy I dated for about 4 years.  I told her about the "gatherings" in his parents house when they were out of town.  I told her about the drinking and about how some of them would smoke pot, or drop acid, or take ecstasy (which was legal back then).  I told her about how we would sneak off and have sex.  Then I asked her "Do you know what came of this?" She shook her head no.  I went back to my bedroom and grabbed the picture of Ashley on my nightstand.  I showed it to her and told her this is what came out of it.

C was looking at the picture and I told her "This is your half sister, I had her when I was 18."  I gave her the cliff's notes version.  I told her this was the reason I didn't have her until I was 29, this was the reason she was an only child, this was the reason I can not hold babies.  She stood there in shock.  I told her about how I was paranoid that someone was lurking in the corners waiting to take C from me when she was an infant, this was the reason I was very protective of her, this was the reason I spoiled her.

My husband came home right in the middle of this.  C asked if this was the reason I acted weird in July and around the holidays, I told her yes.  She asked who knew, so I told her.  Then she started asking questions about Ashley, I told her what I could and I told her that I sent a message to Ashley the day before.  I asked her if she wanted to see a recent picture of her, she nodded yes.  We went to my computer and I pulled up a picture.  C stared at the picture for a few moments then said "Damn! She looks more like you than I do!" (Yes, C is allowed to use minor curse words as long as she can spell them properly, know the definition and use it in a sentence correctly and she can only use them at home)

We went back into the kitchen.  She asked my husband how long he knew.  He told her from the beginning, he thought I did that to push people away (I did).  What he did next floored me.  (When I first started getting info on Ashley my husband told me I had no right, I was no mother.  This infuriated me and I had told him when he miraculously grows a uterus and gives birth then maybe I will listen to his opinions, but until then shut up!)  

He told our daughter that he never had a uterus and he never spit out a child (His words, not mine) but he knew this not only hurts me, but this also affects all of us.  I was shocked!  Not only did the things I said to him 5 years ago stuck with him, but he finally understood that losing Ashley to adoption affected ALL of us and not just me!!

My husband explained to her that it's okay to talk about it, but she needed to be very selective about who she tells.  He told her that unfortunately we live in a society full of ignorant people and there is still a stigma attached to Birth Mothers and I could be under "attack" again like I was when I was 18.  We did tell her that she could talk to her best friends because I had already opened up to their mothers.

I don't know why I told her about Ashley, this certainly wasn't the way I wanted to tell her.  C took it better than I expected.  She hugged me and told me she loved me.

The following morning as I was taking C to the doctor for her check up and sports physical she asked if I checked my messages.  I told her I didn't and I didn't expect a response anytime soon.  My brilliant child smiled at me and said, "Ashley didn't want contact before because I didn't know about her.  Now that I know about her she will respond."  That would be amazing if it really did work out that way!!

Later that Friday afternoon I received a text from F.  She knew how everything played out the night before.  F said, "I went home for lunch.  C came up to me grinning from ear to ear, she asked if she knew about her good news.  I asked what good news and she said I have an older half-sister"

Everything will be okay, the cat is officially out of the bag.  No more secrets.  I actually made direct contact with Ashley and hopefully she will respond, so I can let her little half-sister know.  If the response is negative then I know I will still be okay...no more secrets.

A Different Corner

This week has been an interesting one for sure.  I'm not sure what has finally made me reach the breaking point where I no longer was willing to receive second hand information...and why did it take me so long?  I don't expect a response anytime soon and I honestly don't know what to expect right now.  All I know is that after all of these years of quietly, patiently waiting I actually reached out to Ashley, in blind faith...

A Different Corner

George Michael

I'd say love was a magical flame

I'd say love would keep us from pain

Had I been there, had I been there

I would promise you all of my life

But to lose you would cut like a knife

So I don't dare, no I don't dare

No I've never come close in all of these years

You are the only one to stop my tears

And I'm so scared, I'm so scared

Take me back in time maybe I can forget

Turn a different corner and we never would have met

Would you care

I don't understand it, for you it's a breeze

Little by little you've brought me to my knees

Don't you care

No I've never come close in all of these years

You are the only one to stop my tears

I'm so scared of this love

And if all that there is, is this fear of being used

I should go back to being lonely and confused

If I could, I would, I swear

Jumping The Roadblock

Well, I did it!  After five years of running and tripping over obstacles in my way  I finally jumped over that hurdle roadblock.  I don't know how I did yet, but I took a deep breath and I jumped!  I took a flying leap over that hurdle roadblock!!!

I honestly don't know what came over me.  At first I was going to send a small package, but a friend said that would really freak her out and make her think I was stalking, even though I was not.  The last thing I wanted to do was to scare her and make her think I was stalking her.  Why does adoption have to be so horrible?  Oh that's right, because adoption sucks!

I decided to send a message via "a social networking site" to my First Daughter.  I was very hesitant about making contact this way, I always wanted to send her a handwritten letter with a small gift.  Since I was having a difficult time getting a mailing address for her I decided it needed to be done this way.  I guess one way I can look at this is that she doesn't have to worry about hiding a letter or explaining where this gift came from.  A message could be easily hidden from prying eyes...she can keep it a secret if she feels like she needs to.

Maybe I finally had enough of just quietly sitting and patiently waiting.  If Ashley is like me then she's sitting there doing the same thing, quietly, patiently waiting...not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings.  I don't know for sure if the adoptive parents are controlling her and if they are then that is just sad.  I'm an adult, not a child...Ashley is an adult and also not a child. I will not allow possible insecurities dictate what I can and can not do.  The a-parents can not control me, but I can try to make contact while being considerate of their feelings, which is more than what they have given me.  I do hope that one day I will be able to embrace the a-parents and reassure them that I am not trying to step in and be Mom or be a second Mom.  I just want the opportunity to get to know my First Daughter and hopefully have her in my life someday.

So I bit the bullet. I composed a simple message.  I took a deep breath and I hit send.  I'm not expecting a response anytime soon.  If she is like me then she will probably freak out when she sees it, closes the message and walks away then comes back to look at it several (hundred) times.  She might try to respond only to delete what she had written and then try to re-write it several (hundred) times.  She might get flustered and have to call her friends to help her process so she can find her words.  I know that is what I would do...if it will be a positive response.

So whatever comes of this I hope it is positive.  I hope that Ashley and I can build a solid foundation for a relationship and I hope that one day in the future I can also get to know the a-parents and build some kind of relationship with them too.  I guess at this point it is what it is and I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And for some reason I'm not a basketcase over this, I actually feel a little lighter.

Hopefully, I successfully cleared that hurdle roadblock and I didn't trip up and fall to the ground...

Roadblocks Are Like Hurdles

Last night we went to my kept daughter's 7th grade expectation night, she picked up her schedule and id badge.  Looking at her schedule we noticed something wrong, they put her in theater arts for 1st semester and art for 2nd semester.  This is not what she requested...she quit the Synchronized Ice Skating Team to be in track for the spring semester.  So we go to the counselor table set up in the cafeteria.  We dropped the theater arts and requested art for the 1st semester...easy enough.  Track on the other hand was not so easy.  Last spring we were told Track was not a "try-out" sport, I thought this was a little odd, but we figured she would make it either way (this girl has some seriously strong legs).  The counselor told us she will make the adjustments for the Spring semester.

So now that her schedule seems to be settled we go to find her classrooms and teachers.  Things sure have changed since I was in 7th grade back in 1982!!  Seeing all the girls with feathers in their hair was the only familiar thing...okay, our feathers were attached to little "roachclips" and theirs are braided in.  My daughter was focused on finding her classes and it was funny seeing how annoyed she was getting when I would stop and hug my friends.  Ahhh...the joys of teen angst!

We were standing in line to meet my daughter's Math Teacher, a friend my daughter has known since kindergarten was in front of us with her parents.  We were talking and laughing and carrying on.  My daughter mentioned about requesting track and not having it listed on her schedule.  Her friend's dad asked my daughter if she thought she could make the track team if there was a try-out.  My husband laughed and said there was no doubt, thanks to Figure Skating she has the ability.  I laughed because the day before my daughter's private skating coach said that track would be good for her skating.  My daughter said there was no way she would do hurdles, her coach told her she would be willing to bet that hurdles would be her strong point.  I reminded my daughter last night that hurdles were simple, she could jump right over them.  Then it hit me...

Roadblocks are like hurdles.  All I have to do is just get a good running start and I could jump right over that roadblock. I need to remember as I am getting ready for my running start to keep in mind that there are things in my way and if I don't watch out I could trip and fall before I ever make it to the roadblock. 

And now to find out if the apartments I think my First Daughter lives in will accept a FEDex package for her and let her know...without an apartment number.

Roadblock

When I was pregnant I was told by the Adoption Counselor about these parents.  She carried on about how wonderful they were and how perfect they were for my unborn child.  I was told about how the PAM was the most infertile woman the Counselor had ever come across.  Back then these little comments gave me hope that Ashley would be loved and have the most wonderful childhood.  Now I realize these were tactics used to manipulate me.

After Ashley turned 18 and I was starting to gather information (yes, I'm an information gatherer).  Everything I was seeing showed that Ashley had everything her heart desired.  She was a cheerleader, was an honor student, had tons of friends and was getting ready to go to a very good private university.  It appeared she had the perfect wonderful life.  When I use to be on adoption .com an Adoptee commented on one of my posts, "she hit the adoptee lotto".

Ashley had gotten into a sorority, I'm guessing the same one her Adoptive Mother was in.  All responses I received from the agency rejecting any reunion were emails forwarded to me, signed by "Her Dad".  Okay, she's not 21 yet and the Agency's policy requires parental permission until the child reaches 21.  So I let that slide.

I would stumble across blogs written by Ashley.  Most of the postings made me smile.  A few had me a little confused.  She would talk about how she had this problem and she would go to her Dad to have him solve it for her.  My concern is; these problems were simple...a 5 year old could come up with their own conclusion.  I began to wonder if she was so sheltered that she never had to figure things out on her own, someone always did it for her.  I understand getting advice or getting a different perspective on things, but I can't understand allowing someone else to actually solve your problems for you.  Again, I let it slide.

In the few references she made about contacting me she always said her boyfriend was going to do it for her, her boyfriend would write the letter, her boyfriend would include pictures, her boyfriend would send this little package to me...her boyfriend.  It was never "I", it was always "her boyfriend".  Even the MySpace profile I had, after I had to lock it down it was her boyfriend who friended me (using a fake name) so he could get access to the little stories I wrote.  She always had someone else doing this for her.  I'm guessing it is because she could honestly say she wasn't the one looking this up.  At the time I thought this was how she felt comfortable...so I let it slide.

Ashley's boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) had an open social media profile.  Sometimes I would check it.  Ashley had posted a question asking the boyfriend what should she do.  It was odd...it was another simple solution she could have figured out on her own.  I'm starting to wonder if she can solve simple problems on her own.  I let it slide.

My former HR Manager brought in her daughter's yearbooks, she let me scan the pictures of Ashley.  In the back of the Senior yearbook were ads that parents put in for their graduating children.  The ads were 1/4 - 1/2 page ads and they were predominantly sweet and funny.  I came across a full page ad, there was a picture of Ashley when she was a baby, another picture of her with a friend on a boat when she was about 6 or 7 years old and two cheerleading pictures.  I loved the pictures, but it was the message that I thought was strange.

(I rubbed out the obvious names...in case you couldn't figure that out)

Am I reading the message wrong?

"You made us a family"...this I understand, but to me it sounds like a guilt trip.

"You should never forget the special story"...okay, it's their story about how she came to them.  (I am curious about what she was told, but in time I know I will find out.)  This also sounded like another guilt trip.

"You became a great big sis"...the adoptive parents finally conceived and gave birth to their very first biological child.  This I already knew and I was always so happy for them and I had hoped that the Adoptive Mother would know how much I love Ashley.  Were they reminding her this was the only sister she would ever have?

"You made the house a delight with your friends"...I was glad to see that she was fun and had fun friends.

"Your achievements made all of us proud"...well of course, who wouldn't be proud?  I was very proud and I was kept out of her life.   Was this another guilt trip?  Reminding her of what they did for her?

"You will feel our love forever as we do yours"...WHOA!  Hold the phone!  I thought this was a little weird.  Are they trying to say that only they can love her?  This sounded a little controlling to me and why on earth would you put that in a High School yearbook?  It's normal for people to assume the parents love their children, was it necessary to put it in an ad for her Senior yearbook for everyone to see?

"YOU ARE ***** ********* *****"...seriously, was it necessary to scream out her name?  Was she doubting this name?  Was she questioning who she was and the family had to keep drilling in her head that she belonged to them?  I'm sure she knows what her legal name is and actually, I like the name they gave her!!  Were they concerned she would find out what her birth name was and start using that?  Seriously, the girl knows her name I don't see the need in screaming it out in a full page ad in a High School yearbook.

This ad did not sit well with me.  It found it to be very bizarre and unnecessary when compared to the other ads.  It was like some competition and Ashley's family wanted to make sure that everyone who went through that yearbook for years to come saw that ad!  To me it looked like a sick, twisted reminder that they own her.  My HR Manager thought it was really weird too.  She told me about the things the Adoptive Mother had said about me...you name it, she said it.  I let those comments roll off of me, they don't know me and they are feeling insecure and hopefully one day they will realize that I can not step in and be Mom because Ashley already has a Mom who deserves that title more than me.  So I let the yearbook and the comments made about me slide off.

Last week I was wanting to reach out to Ashley, this need was overpowering.  Sure, I have always wanted to reach out to her, but this time I had this strange sense of urgency.  So, I was weighing out my options.  If I'm going to reach out I want to do it in a way that will not cause anyone to feel threatened or freak anyone out.  I don't want Ashley's Adoptive Mom to feel insecure, I can not or will not try to take her place.  I just want to get to know Ashley!  A client at the salon/spa I work at is a Private Investigator.  I asked her how much would it cost to get a mailing address, just a mailing address, nothing more.  The Investigator told me to email the info to her and she will see what she can find.  So I did and I explained a little bit to her about the situation.  She checked, kept sending me emails wanting to clarify what she was finding.  By Friday she sent me an email telling me everything was pointing to the adoptive parents, she can tell Ashley lives about 300 miles south, but EVERYTHING has the parents names and address on it.  She said it looked like they were maintaining control of her by taking care of everything financially.

The last couple of years I had this feeling that the reason Ashley didn't want to make contact was out of fear that her Adoptive family would cut her off financially.  Last month when I was driving and I ended up behind the truck that belonged to the Adoptive Dad I was wondering what this could mean.  Now I think I know...it was a reminder that they stood in the way of me and Ashley getting to know one another.  I am starting to believe that Ashley is just a possession to them, I really do hope I am wrong!!

So here I am today.  There is a roadblock in front of me.  As I have mentioned before, I am a stubborn, inquisitive little thing and if I feel in my heart that it is important for me to proceed I will...with caution if need be.  So here is this roadblock and I need to figure out the best way to proceed.  

I can just stand there staring at the roadblock and throw my hands up in the air, but that is so not like me.  

I can go around the roadblock by reaching out to Ashley's friend (who I don't think would be completely honest with me) or even reaching out to the now ex-boyfriend (the one who was suppose to be handling contact with me for Ashley).  

I could jump over the roadblock and proceed with making direct contact, but if the Adoptive parents are still controlling this 23 year old who graduated college over a year ago then I would think it would be safe to guess that they are monitoring her mail and all forms of electronic communications.  

I could just blow right through that roadblock by reaching out to the Adoptive Mother.  I know this is a bad idea and would make the situation worse, but that would be her own insecurity and not mine...I have always been willing to embrace the Adoptive Mother and I have always carried her in my heart too!

So now to decide the best way to handle this roadblock that is before me...

Time After Time

Time after time I think of Ashley.  Time after time I can only hope she knows I am right here waiting...

Time After Time

Cyndi Lauper

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
I think of you
caught up in circles 

confusion is nothing new
Flashback warm nights
almost left behind
suitcase of memories,
time after--

sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said
Then you say go slow
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time

if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time 

after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time

if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time

you said go slow
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time

if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time

time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time 

time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time 

Climbing The Walls

For some reason the last few days I feel as if I'm climbing the walls.  I'm feeling anxious, like something is left undone or there is something bigger I am suppose to be a part of.  

Maybe it has something to do with the 41 days of 100+ degree weather we have been having here in North Texas.  I'm a Texas Native...4th generation.  So it can't be that, I'm built for the Texas heat ;-)

Maybe it is business being slow right now at the salon I work at.  I know the summer months are slow for Aestheticians and building a good solid client base takes time.  School is about to start and business will pick back up again.  

Is it because my daughter I am raising is about to start Middle School?  I know every milestone is a reminder of what I missed with my First Daughter.  I have had 12 twelve years to learn how to cope with what I missed out on with "Ashley".  I also know I will never be able to make up for the lost time with her.  I cherish the moments I have with my kept daughter, possibly more than other Mothers who did not lose a child to adoption.

It just feels like I have unfinished business or I am waiting for something important.  The last couple of weeks I have been having dreams of my First Daughter, I don't know why, but it seems to be happening an awful lot lately.  Making contact is what keeps popping into my head...the problem I am having with making contact (besides the intense fear of rejection) is that I want to go about this the right way.  I don't want to push her away and I don't want her to feel like she is betraying her Adoptive Parents.  

So in the meantime...I'm climbing the friggin' walls!

To Contact, or Not To Contact...That Is The Question

For years I have written tear stained letters and sent cards to my First Daughter...through the Agency.  About five years ago the Agency told me they passed everything on to the Adoptive Parents.  I want to hold on to my positive thoughts about the Adoptive Parents and hope they are holding them, but a little voice in me is telling me they have been destroyed.

A third person made contact with my First Daughter when she turned 18, it freaked her out.  Big mistake on my part...lesson learned.

My First Daughter's boyfriend (I'm assuming he was a boyfriend) friended me on MySpace when I had that profile.  He used a fake name...I guess they underestimated my abilities to gather information.  At least they were looking which warmed my heart.

I stumbled across a blog written by my First Daughter which has been removed.  In this blog she talks about being adopted, how upset she was about this random person making contact with her about me, but she was thankful about being told about the MySpace profile I created.  She talks about how her friends encourage her to make contact, but she tells them they don't understand what she is feeling.  She mentions reading my posts on MySpace and how she really likes me from these little stories.  She mentioned how she doesn't want to hurt anyone, her Parents or me, but she doesn't know what to do.  She said she doesn't want me to wait around forever so she and her boyfriend decided to put together a little package for me with a few pictures.  I never received a package...

Fate brought a close childhood friend of my First Daughter to my wax table at work a little over a year ago.  After our conversations it appears my First Daughter has friends who would be in total support of her meeting her Birthmother.  Even this friend asked if she could take my First Daughter's place because she thought I was fun.

My girlfriends and I decided to make a video.  This video would show my personality and it would include my girlfriends somehow...to show how much love there is.  I've spent the last six months trying to track down a mailing address for my First Daughter, but everything comes back with the Adoptive Parents address.  Right now, sending something to the Adoptive Parents address is not an option.  Plus several of my girlfriends want me to wait until this murder trial I'm a witness for is over, they said they can see it weighing on me.

So here I am...waiting.  I know I can't mail anything to her, I can't send something through the Agency, my only option is to make contact through Facebook.  I don't like the thought of reaching out through social media because it seems so impersonal to me, but this looks like my only option.

Fear does keep me at bay.  I've never been the type of person to let fear stop me, I usually take a deep breath and push forward.  This for some reason scares me.  The fear I have is rejection...

I just don't know what to do...make contact or not?

Don't You Forget About Me

I loved this song when it came out!!  Now this song has a different meaning for me...

Don't You Forget About Me

Simple Minds

Hey, hey, hey ,hey
Ohhh...

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhh.....

Don't you try to pretend
It's my feeling we'll win in the end
I won't harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security

Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on - call my name
Will you call my name?

I say :

Does My First Daughter Think Of Me?

I was reading the latest post on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum, Does My Natural Mother Ever Think Of Me? like Lorraine I am reminded of losing my First Daughter to adoption everyday.  Over the last five years I have  unexpectedly crossed paths with friends of my First Daughter, I have received lots of tidbits of information about her and I have seen recent pictures of her.  So with all of this information I began to wonder...does my First Daughter think of me?

The reason I ask this is because of the debate of Nature vs Nurture and in my honest opinion...Nature always wins, especially in my case.

Personalities seem to be inherited, at least in my family.  My Paternal Aunt was amazed at how much my younger sister was like my paternal Grandmother.  Not only does my sister have our Grandmother's personality, but she talks like her, sounds like her and even has the same body language as her.  Funny thing is, my parents never brought my sister around our Grandmother because she was an alcoholic so my sister never had the chance to pick up on any of the behaviors from our Grandmother.  I have a paternal cousin, I saw her briefly when I was young, we were about the same age, but we did not grow up together.  A tornado blew through their town, wiping everything out back in the 70's so that small part of my family packed up and moved to Oregon.  In 2001, I was reunited with that part of my family.  My older cousin's grown son thought it was hilarious how much my cousin and I were alike.  He would say we were twins separated at birth...except we didn't look anything alike. We had the same personality...we could complete each others sentences!

Three people have told me that my First Daughter and I had the same quirky personality.  She is animated like me and laughs easily like me.  These people also said that I was probably the only person who would be able to keep up with her quickly changing topics in a conversation because I do the same thing.  So does my First Daughter wonder where she gets these traits?  Does she think of me?

I grew up studying art.  My Mother was an artist, she use to paint with watercolors and oils.  When I was younger, before my parents divorced, my Mother use to encourage me to paint.  My mother put down her paint brushes when my parents divorced and she never picked them up again.  My Mother's Father was an artist.  He preferred metal, he welded.  My Mother still has the iron coffee table my Grandfather created on her back patio.  My Grandfather even created the Masonic Emblem for his Lodge in South Dallas, it is now displayed in a Masonic Museum.  My Great Grandfather (maternal grandfather's father) was also an artist.  Like my Mother, he painted.  My medium was pencil and acrylic paints.  When I went to college my major was Advertising Art and I was starting to get interested in Graphic Arts when I had to quit college.

My First Daughter majored in Advertising Art.  I couldn't believe it!  I had to call my Mother and tell her we now know the artistic ability that runs in our family is definitely inherited and not taught.  So does my First Daughter wonder where she gets this ability?  Does she think of me?

A friend of mine found a picture of my First Daughter after she turned 18.  He sent it to me with a note saying to call him before I looked at the picture.  I called, I asked if he was sure this was her.  He told me he knew it was and open the attachment and I would see why.  I opened the picture.  There in front of me was the very first picture I saw of her grown up...it was like looking at a picture of me, except for the chin and eye color.  Another person who knew my First Daughter because her daughter went to Junior High and High School with my First Daughter brought in years books.  It was like looking at my year book pictures, except the hair style was different.

Is my First Daughter aware of where she gets her traits from?  I know she had made the comment before that if she wanted to know anything she would go to the Agency.  Doesn't she know that reading forms and half truth documents isn't going to tell her about her?  About where she came from?  About who she really is?  Does she wonder where her build, her facial features, her hands, slightly narrow feet come from?  Does she wonder about any of this?  Does she think of me?