It was NOT God's plan

Religion is something I normally don't talk about.  I'm not a "religious" person, I have faith and I carry God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in my heart.  For me this is something personal, so I do not discuss it.  

Last year within a 6 week period I had three different people approach me...asking if I was ready to reborn, my response to them was I was born 40 years ago.  They asked again and I would reply that I do not think my mother would appreciate giving birth to me again when I am full grown.  Two dropped it, but the third continued, telling me I didn't understand and I told her I did understand and God and I are good.  

I was very irritated, I called my Minister and told her what had happened.  She laughed (not at me, she was laughing at the arrogance of these people) and she told me she could see me drop to my knees with my hands up in the air saying "Lord, please save me...from this insane woman" (yes, this is something I would do).  The third woman who constantly tried to beat me over the head with a bible was my boss.  After this incident I told her she was a lunatic who gave Southern Baptist people a bad name and I quit.  

Again, I do not discuss religion.  I have my views, you have yours.  I respect your views and I also expect my views to be respected.

I prefer to call my husband an extreme Agnostic, with a touch of Atheism.  Religion is something we do not discuss, it's a mutual respect thing.  He doesn't give me grief when I go to Church and I don't give him grief when he is still asleep in bed on Sunday morning.  

My husband loves a good debate and one of his favorite arguments is religion.  There was a Mormon man he use to work with.  This man kept trying to "convert" my husband.  My husband tried to let it roll off because he did like this guy and he had to work with him.  Well, my husband had enough one day.  He ended up in a huge debate about religion, by the time it was over with my husband had this man so rattled he was now questioning his own belief.  Needless to say, this man never brought religion up again with my husband...they are still friends.

So now you know, don't start talking religion to me.  Only my childhood Minister and my current Minister are allowed to preach to me.  I am good with God, thank you.

When I tell people my story of losing Ashley to adoption I get a lot of different responses.  Most people just don't know what to say, they usually say the first thing that pops in their heads.  I know a lot of them mean well, but some of the responses rub me the wrong way.

"It was God's plan" or "It was God's will"

My response "I am so sorry that your God is so cruel and hateful"

So you guessed it, this is the number 1 response that irritates the fire out of me!  I do get this response a lot because I do live in the Bible Belt.

You see, the God I believe in is a loving, caring God.  He did not give me the ability to conceive and give birth to Ashley for someone to take her away from me.  Only a hateful and cruel God would separate a mother and child...

oh wait...

wait a minute...  

It's not God that separates Mother and child, it is the greedy, power hungry, self-righteous people who separate a Mother and her child. 

Dumbasses.  It's not God making this happen, it's the human race.

This post is not intended to offend the people who have different religious views than me. I do believe that most religions have the same goal, it's just taught differently.

If I offended the people who honestly believe losing my First Daughter to adoption was God's plan then you can get over it and stop forcing your cruel and hateful religious views down my throat!

Voices Carry

For so many years I have been told to keep quiet.  Almost convinced that I did not have a voice.  I know I do have a voice and a lot of people don't want to hear what I have to say because it makes them uncomfortable, they don't want to hear about the ugly side of adoption.  Well, I have a voice and one day, my voice will be loud enough to hear and my voice will carry...

Voices Carry

by 'Til Tuesday

In the dark, I'd like to read his mind

but I'm frightened of the things I might find

Oh, there must be something he's thinking of
to tear him away

when I tell him that I'm falling in love
why does he say

hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry

hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry

I try so hard not to get upset

because I know all the trouble I'll get

oh, he tells me tears are something to hide
and something to fear

and I try so hard to keep it inside
so no one can hear

hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry

hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry

hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry

He wants me
but only part of the time
He wants me
if he can keep me in line

hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry

hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry

hush hush
keep it down now
voices carry

hush hush, darling, she might overhear

oh, no-voices carry

he said shut up he said shut up
oh God can't you keep it down

voices carry
I wish he would let me talk.

Things to do: Chinese Fire Drill

Still no word on the message I sent to my First Daughter on August 17th.  I am stubborn enough to not give up hope and I have a quirky enough personality to come up with a random list of things to do to help pass the time.  I know as long as I can keep my sense of humor then I should be able to keep from climbing the walls!!

Things to do while you patiently wait for some sort of response from your First Child...Chinese Fire Drill.

Yes, you just read Chinese Fire Drill! To make it more fun try it at 2am while sitting at a drive thru wearing a cocktail dress.

The best Chinese Fire Drill I was involved in was the night of our 20th High School Reunion...I know we aren't kids anymore, but it was hilarious!  It was my old gang from Junior High, we were in two cars.  The gala was over and we were tipsy (except for the two designated drivers).  We needed food, greasy food before heading back to the hotel.  While we were sitting in the drive thru (for some reason Whataburger was awfully busy at 2 am) my car decided to do a chinese fire drill.  We had a blast, the car behind us was part of our group and they were cracking up!!  Nothing like watching a bunch of grown women jumping out and running around the car in cocktail dresses and bare feet.  Our designated driver was horrified, she couldn't believe we did that.  When we pulled up to the window the employees were laughing and our designated driver was so embarrassed she couldn't look at the girl who was taking the money...I think she forgot what kind of people she ran around with.

Ahhh...the fun you can have with girlfriends at 2am.

What they didn't tell me: Babies

In a closed adoption the Counselor Recruiter Brainwasher fills a naive, scared expecting mother with all kinds of wonderful stories lies.  They say things like "You will forget" or "You will move on" or the one that makes me gag every time I hear it, "You will have more children so let this deserving, infertile couple have this one."  Ugh!  Gag!

What they didn't tell me was how I would handle being around babies.

I held Ashley every chance I had when I was in the hospital with her.  So after leaving the hospital I found myself looking at every baby, checking to see if it was her.  I kept this up through the years, if I saw a girl who was about her age I had to look to see if it was her.  I know this was silly of me, they said I would never run into her because we lived nowhere near each other (they were wrong about this one too).

As time went on and friends and family members started having children of their own I could never hold their babies.  They would try to hand me their baby and I would quickly take a step back and put my hands behind my back.

Nope, couldn't do it...I could not hold another baby.  Holding another baby would remind me of Ashley, of our brief time together.  I could not hold a child because I would turn back into that scared 18 year mother who just lost their daughter to adoption.

Holding my kept daughter was different.  I didn't trust anyone to hold her, I was afraid they would take her away from me.

To this day I still can not hold a baby.  I know Ashley is an adult now and I know she would be too big for me to wrap up in a blanket and cradle in my arms.  23 years later and I still feel that pain like it was yesterday...

A Funeral, Adoption and an Adoptive Mother

Last week my Daddy (super awesome, kick ass stepdad) passed away.  At first I was (still am) angry that adoption has kept a Grand daughter from knowing her Grandpa.  As the events unfolded I didn't have time to be angry, I had things to do.

Thursday morning while we were helping Mom with the funeral arrangements I had to get a head count of grandchildren and great grandchildren from my Stepbrothers (they weren't around much in the last 15 years).  I told Mom it was 4 grandchildren from the brothers, then 1 from my sister and my kept daughter, 6 grandkids total.  Mom told the Funeral Director there are 7 grandchildren.  I told Mom it was 6, she said "No, there are 7, Ashley is his grand daughter too".  Okay, I wasn't arguing.

Saturday morning we had the family graveside services and in the afternoon we had his memorial service, we celebrated his life.  

After the Memorial Service we had a Reception afterwards.  The place was packed.  A friend of my Mother's who has been around since I was about 14 approached me.  This woman Mother henned us like crazy since Tuesday.  I'm not one to be smothered with "motherly love", I was trying to not have a melt down anywhere near my mom.

Mother Hen is an adoptive mom, before she and her husband adopted their daughter through Foster Care they were Foster parents.  They are huge child advocates, at one point they managed to get the State of Texas to investigate how CPS handled things.  Years ago they were going to adopt this 3 year little girl they were fostering.  Two weeks before the adoption was to be finalized CPS took the girl away and placed her with a 16 year old second cousin who was married to and pregnant by a 50-something year old registered sex offender.  Mother Hen knows people, people in the Foster World who can help make a difference, and they did...changes were made with CPS.  A few years later Mother Hen and her husband adopted a 10 year old girl they were fostering.

At the reception Mother Hen cornered me.  Adoption was not something that was on my mind, I lost my Daddy...I wanted my Daddy.  She quietly apologized to me for consoling my sister on Tuesday.  I had no idea what she was talking about.  My sister buried her daughter 18 years ago on September 22nd, my niece died from a respiratory infection when she was 9 months old.  She said she was not discounting that I lost a daughter to adoption.  

Did she just say lost a daughter to adoption?  

Mother Hen:  Which Agency did you go through?  

Me:  Jewish Family Services.  

Mother Hen:  They were very expensive and they took very good care of the soon-to-be-parents.  How did they treat you?  

So I told her about the letters and cards that were "lost" and how they dropped me like I had leprosy when Ashley turned 21.  

Mother Hen:  I was hoping they would have treated you with more respect.  Adoption Agencies only care about how much money they can make and it makes me sick.  

I was a little surprised to hear Mother Hen say this.  

Mother Hen:  Have you tried to make contact? 

I had told her what I have done.  I also told her about the resume and I was wondering if I could get her forwarded address.  Again, she surprised me.  

Mother Hen:  Write a letter and send it to the address you found.  

Me:  it would probably get forwarded to the adoptive parents.  

Mother Hen:  It doesn't matter.  

Me:  It does matter, if they got it then Ashley would never receive it.  

Mother Hen:  Send it!  This was something they would have to explain to her.  As an Adoptive Mother I am giving you permission to send that letter!

Me:  What?

Mother Hen:  You heard me, send that letter!

Honestly, I thought for one day I would be able to escape the fact that I was a Birth Mother.  I never would have imagined getting cornered on the day we buried my Daddy and I would have an Adoptive Mother giving me permission to send a letter to my First Daughter.

Adoption Sucks!

Monday, September 19, 2011 about 10:15pm I get a phone call from Mom, "Daddy is in the hospital.  This shouldn't be a big deal, but I just wanted to let you know."  I told Mom to call and let me know if anything changes.

Monday about 11:00pm I just went to bed when the phone rings, it's my sister.  At first she's crying so hard I can't understand what she is saying.  Then she tells me "Daddy".  I told her I was on my way.

Monday about 11:15pm, I'm on my way to the hospital.  As I am driving, I'm trying to shake the sleepiness off and fight back the tears.  Daddy is my super awesome, totally cool, kick ass step dad.  He married my mom in 1996 when I was 26.  I wasn't around him for the first couple of years before they got married because I was having issues with my mom.  As I got to know this man, he became daddy.  He was more of a Daddy to my sister and I in the last 15 years then our own fathers were (biological or adopted).  

By the time I pull out of my neighborhood it hits me.  Adoption sucks!  Another person who is very important to me is being ripped from my life, another person I wanted Ashley to meet.

I was in the emergency room a little before midnight.  He had a stoke which caused a massive brain bleed, once he was off the ventilator he could survive one or two days.  It was my job to reach my step brothers (because I am a little squeamish) and then call every one else after the sun came up.  About 7:30am on Tuesday, he was taken off of the respirator and moved to a room upstairs, made comfortable, given a morphine drip and a DNR tag.

Wednesday afternoon, I had a total of 5 1/2 hours sleep since arriving at the hospital, I left the hospital for about 30 minutes on Tuesday night and that was it.  We had convinced my Mom to go down to the cafeteria to get away for a little bit, she left with my aunt and her best friend.  My sister and cousins left for my sister's house to decompress for a little while.  I stayed behind, I stayed and held his hand, counting the seconds between each breath.  About 1:15 my older step brother showed up.  I didn't know he was coming so early and I was so glad to see him.  It was just the two of us, alone with Daddy.  About 1:30 ish, Daddy took his last breath. 

Adoption has erased another important person I wanted Ashley to meet.  She will never laugh at his jokes, she will never know this super awesome, totally cool, kick ass man.  Adoption Sucks!

You aren't good enough to be a Mother

WRONG!

I must have heard this a thousand times when I went for my counseling brainwashing sessions at the Agency.  They actually had me convinced I was not good enough.  And let me tell you...they were WRONG!  W-R-O-N-G...WRONG!!

My kept daughter who I will call Cindy has always been an interesting child.  She is pretty level headed for a 12 year old who just started 7th grade.  One of the things about her that I find fascinating is how she handles things.  Drama follows her wherever she goes, she tries to avoid it, but we are talking about a bunch of 12-13 year old girls with raging hormones...drama will be everywhere.  Cindy tries not to get wrapped up in the drama, she watches how things play out.  She tries to remain neutral, like Switzerland, but when one of her friends has been hurt she will stand up for them.  Since she tries not to get in the middle of things and she tries to help her friends work out the problems she has quite a following.  She's pretty good about standing up for what is right.  

It's almost like she is wise beyond her years, if this makes any sense.  I don't know if she is like this because she is being raised as an only child, or if it is because my husband and I have always given her the tools to handle sticky situations, or if she has an old soul.  She has this amazing ability to stand back and watch and come up with solutions to help solve the problems.

Now she isn't always like this...there are times where she does some REALLY stupid things!  Nobody's perfect.

Since the first day of school Cindy has had this substitute teacher for her 7th grade reading class.  No one knows what happened to the teacher and no one knows when she is coming back.  Sometime during the first week the substitute told the class that she use to be a teacher in the ********** school district.  This got Cindy's attention, she knew I attended this school district and she knew Ashley attended school in the same district I grew up in.  When class was over Cindy approached the substitute and asked her if she knew Ashley.  The substitute asked which school did she attend.  Cindy wasn't sure and told her she would find out and let her know.

I have to admit that this did freak me out a little bit.  I told Cindy she needed to be careful with who she shares this information with.  She told me she was being careful, so I gave her Ashley's full name and the name of the junior high and high school she attended.

The next day Cindy gave the substitute the name and schools.  The substitute didn't teach at any of these schools.  She asked Cindy why she was so interested in this person, so Cindy told her she was her half sister and I lost her to adoption when Ashley was a baby.  The substitute told Cindy that her husband and sister-in-law were adopted.  Cindy asked if they found their First Mothers.  The substitute told her no.  Cindy told her they should try, chances are their First Mothers were hurting like me and they might have a younger half sister who is hurting too, like Cindy.

I was shocked when Cindy told me this.  She said it so "as a matter of fact" and she told me she was only speaking the truth...adoption is painful.

Later that night I kind of laughed about it.  They told me I wasn't good enough to be a mother.  Turns out, I was good enough and I'm doing a pretty good job with my second daughter.  Cindy knows she has a voice and she is allowed to state her opinion and she knows not everyone will agree with her and she is figuring out how to stand up for what is right.  Looks like my second daughter just might grow up to be a thorn in the "money grabbing adoption machine's" side.

You have got to be kidding me!

I have been searching for Ashley's mailing address.  I even had a private investigator acquaintance help out.  Of course no luck.  My original plan was a ship a small package to her with a couple of pictures, a letter and a small gift, I was going to send this FedEx or UPS so I could get a confirmation.

I jumped the roadblock and sent her a message instead on facebook.   Part of my decision to do this was so it wouldn't completely freak her out, another part was so only she received the message and it did not get intercepted.  Of course I still haven't received any type of acknowledgement back from the facebook message.

As I was getting my younger daughter ready for her first school dance tonight (another milestone to remind me of what was taken from me) I thought I would google Ashley's name.

OMG!

You have got to be kidding me!

WTH?

Right there, in front of me, plain as day...her resume!  Complete with contact info!!

I couldn't believe it!  Why didn't I find this a month ago?  Before she packed up and left for California?

My friend (my daughter's best friend's mom) came to pick up my daughter and of course take pictures.  I told her what I just found.  Her eyes got really big and she asked if I printed it off.  I told her I did.  She asked how her resume looked, I told her I was impressed and she listed that she had a 3.5 GPA in college.  She reminded me it was too late, I told her I knew.  Then she reminded me...Christmas is coming up.

Christmas IS coming up.  Maybe in a couple of months I can do another search and maybe find an updated resume.  Maybe, just maybe, I can send her a Christmas gift.  She knows I'm not Jewish and she knows that I know she went to a Jewish family...so I could send a Christmas present...right?

And now the mother in me takes over...OMG!  Her contact info is out there for the world to see!!  Haven't her parents taught her anything about internet safety???  Great...another thing to worry about that I have no control over.  Sigh...

Alien Pod People

My Mother wasn't around much after my parents divorced when I was 7.  She went back to school, she got her associates degree, then went on to get her bachelor's degree and finally her master's degree.  Education was very important to her, she married when she was 18 then had me five years later.  So her dreams of a college education was put on hold for 12 years.  I'm not sure how she did it, but she managed to go to college full-time and work full-time, I guess my sister and I were the sacrifice.  If my sister or I ever did anything to get into trouble the question my Mother always asked was "Are you doing this to keep me from going to school?"  Of course this would make us feel horribly guilty.  So from a very early age I learned that my Mother's school and career came first.

Growing up I feared my mother more than anything.  She wasn't physically abusive, she was mean...maybe she was just grouchy from work and school and being a single parent for a little while, who knows.  My pregnancy certainly did not soften her up any, instead she became cruel, she titled her master thesis "Legs in the air syndrome", this paper was turned in a year after I delivered Ashley.  Needless to say, I was not close to my mother.  She was an angry woman and I couldn't wait to get away from her.

When I was 25 years old I moved from Dallas to San Antonio with my boyfriend (who later became my ex-husband).  I was looking at this as a way to escape from everyone and everything.  I can remember leaving behind an empty box in a storage space with a piece of paper, on the paper was a list of things (and people) I wanted to leave behind, my mother was on that list.

We moved back to Dallas after 13 months.  While living down there something inside me was pulling me back to Dallas.  I could never explain it without sounding like some kind of nut.  I figured it was because Dallas was my home, I was a second generation Dallas Native and my entire family was there.  In 2006 when I received the information on Ashley from an amazing search angel I realized that I had to go back because of Ashley.  I had always lived close by to where she was growing up and I never knew it!!

While I was in San Antonio my Mother remarried this man she had been dating for a couple of years.  After I moved back I noticed something had changed, I don't know if it was me, or if it was my mother.  Slowly I started talking to my mother again.  This wasn't the same person that raised me.  My mother was happy, she joked around, she would tell me she loved me and she would hug and kiss me.  Holy Crap!  Did alien pod people take over my mother's body while I was in San Antonio??

For ten years our relationship started improving and I think my super awesome step-daddy had something to do with this.  I never wanted to question it, I just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.  

When I started receiving information about Ashley I did keep it from my mother, I did not want to hear the same hateful crap she use to say when I was pregnant.  Finally, a few months passed when I decided I was going to tell her.  I told her all of the information I had received, where she grew up, where she was going to college, etc.  I braced myself, ready to fight back when something happened that threw me for a complete loop.  My Mother started to cry and started apologizing for the way she treated me and she wished she had never made me give up Ashley.  I was dumbfounded.  I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  

Who the hell was this woman?  This was not the same woman that raised me!  I swear alien pod people really did take over my mother!!

I couldn't take it anymore, I had to ask.  I asked her when did she have a change of heart.  She told me she noticed she was treating my sister and I the exact same way her mother treated her and her sister.  (This will be another post later) She didn't like what she was becoming so she tried to change.  I was shocked!!

So today, everytime I find some tidbit of information, or a picture, or if I get some hairbrain idea I call her.  She gets excited over the little things I come across, gets sad when the holidays come around, and she helps calm me back down when I start to get extremely anxious.  A few weeks ago my mother said something that had me stunned.  All these years I thought I was the only one dealing with losing a child to adoption...my mother told my daughter that not only did I miss out on raising Ashley, but she also missed out on being a part of her first grandchild's life.

Yep, I believe Alien Pod People took over my mother's body...and I am totally cool with that, because my Mom is pretty awesome.

At This Time In My Life

At this time in my life...

At This Time In My Life
by Carole King


At this time in my life very conscious of who I am
I know that who I am doesn't matter
All the chatter that goes on between
As we talked around what we really mean
Really makes me wonder
At this time in my life
(At this time in my life)
A feeling I can't control
is creeping up inside my soul and growing
What is it all about
Wouldn't knowing help me to work it out
I can't be afraid of thunder
At this time in my life
(At this time in my life)
(At this time in my life)
(At this time in my life)


At this time in my life let me stop
let me take control of myself and be me
I can see me in a few years
trying to see where reality has gone


I won't let it take me under
At this time in my life
I won't let it take me under
At this time in my life

Things to do: Stare at the ceiling

Still no word on the message I sent to my First Daughter on August 17th.  I am stubborn enough to not give up hope and I have a quirky enough personality to come up with a random list of things to do to help pass the time.  I know as long as I can keep my sense of humor then I should be able to keep from climbing the walls!!

Last week I stared at my boss.  It was a lot of fun for me, even my co-workers joined in.  He knew why I was doing this and he was a good sport about it.

So this week, my thing to do will be to stare at the ceiling in a crowded restaurant, store, or some public place like something is about to drop.  That's right, stare at the ceiling!

Last time I did this was in 1983, I was 13 years old working at Vikon Village Flea Market. I had a friend who also worked there.  We were bored and we had these silly, slimy little octopus' things that you could throw at a wall and it stuck at little and rolled down.  We didn't have a wall to throw them at so we threw them up in the air.  The Flea Market was indoors, inside of a building that was once a warehouse, it had a metal roof and the ceiling consisted of huge steel beams and chicken wire.  We would throw these silly things up in the air and catch them.

At some point I threw mine up too hard and it landed on the ledge of one of the steel beams.  My friend and I kept looking up calling "Come on, jump!"  We kept doing this, we didn't realize what kind of scene we were causing.  People were stopping and looking up.  They had no clue that this ridulous little octopus was barely hanging off the ledge, instead they thought we were messing with them.  A lot of them would walk off shaking their heads and smiling...crazy kids.

Things to do:  Stare at the ceiling.  This should help keep me occupied for a little bit.

What They Didn't Tell Me: Milestones

In a closed adoption the Counselor Recruiter Brainwasher fills a naive, scared expecting mother with all kinds of wonderful stories lies.  They say things like "You will forget" or "You will move on" or the one that makes me gag every time I hear it, "You will have more children so let this deserving, infertile couple have this one."  Ugh!  Gag!

For years the thought of having another child terrified me.  I already had one miscarriage and I believed God was punishing me for losing my First Daughter to adoption, so why would I put myself through this again?  So it happened...I got pregnant again.  I was was married so what was the big deal, right?

The thing is, the Counselor Recruiter Brainwasher was still in my head.  Even though I was 29 when I gave birth again I had turned back into my 18 year old self.  I was scared, I was reliving everything.  They lied to me, I never forgot!  There was one thing I was never prepared for and that was the milestones of my second child.

I always knew another woman was raising my first daughter, I knew this woman had earned the title of Mom and I would never hear my first daughter call me that.  I knew I missed out on Ashley's milestones and I knew I would never be able to experience them with her.

So with my daughter I am raising I made sure I never missed a single milestone in her life.  I did my best to be there, to document it, to cherish it.  What I did not expect was the sharp pain I felt in my heart.  I was cherishing every moment with my kept daughter and at the same time I was reminded of what I missed with Ashley.  It was (and still is) very painful, it is a constant reminder of what was stolen from me.

My daughter I am raising is 12 years old now, a 7th grader in her first year of Middle School.  She still has many milestones to go through and I am very proud of the amazing person she is becoming, but my heart is still being ripped apart because I have missed out on every tiny piece of Ashley's childhood and teen years.

They never told me how the wonderful milestones of subsequent children would end up reminding me of my First Daughter and rip my heart to pieces.

Faith, Patience, Understanding and Hope

Adoption is not always the best option, especially a closed adoption.  A family is torn apart so a third party can make money so another family (a worthier family) can be built.  No matter how the greedy adoption machine spins it adoption is like suicide, a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  (Whoever originally made this comparison is brilliant!)

In a closed adoption the mother is left not knowing anything, not knowing what the truth is.  Left with nothing but a feeling of emptiness, longing, left with no one to help cope with the myriad of emotions.  A mother is left alone, to learn how to function in a life while hiding a secret.

Eventually, as time moves on this mother has been able to pull herself up from the pit of despair and crawl out from under that damn rug.  As pictures and information start falling into my lap I began to open up.  It was terrifying at first because I used my experience to push people away, but this time was different.  I had grown, this was no longer a secret I was willing to keep.

At 36 years old, 18 years after I lost my First Daughter to adoption, a new feeling was creeping up.  I started to feel lighter, everything seemed brighter, it took me a little while to figure out what it was.  I was becoming stronger, the kool-aid was wearing off, I had hope.

Hope that one day Ashley would be ready for me.  My path has crossed with many people connected to Ashley.  This kept my hope alive and because of this hope I now had faith.

With faith, blind faith, I have somehow managed to find patience.  The much needed patience to wait for Ashley.  I began to listen to Adoptees and they have given me something else I needed...understanding.  This understanding has helped keep me patient.  For all of the Adoptees out there that I have listened to, thank you!!

In blind faith I patiently wait and I pray that the client who randomly came in to see me over a year ago will tell Ashley the truth, tell her that she has met me.  At the time I truly believed fate brought this client to me for a reason.  I did not know why, maybe so she could tell her friends (who were also friends with Ashley) that she met Ashley's Birth Mother and she would tell Ashley.  I thought this was the reason, maybe it is part of the bigger picture.  Ashley is moving out of Texas for a job, she will possibly be moving in, or near, this friend of hers (my client).  I know in my heart this will be a good move.  I am hoping Ashley will be able to grow, to find out who she is and a part of me is secretly hoping this will finally lead her to me.

In blind faith I wait with patience, understanding, and hope....

Breakeven (Falling to Pieces)

Still no word from Ashley and I just found out she is leaving Texas for a job.  Maybe this will give her the space she needs to grow and figure out who she is before she can respond to me...I don't know.  In the meantime, my heart breaks.

Breakeven (Falling to Pieces)

by The Script

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in

'Cause I got time while she got freedom

'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst

She finally met a man that's gonna put her first

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping

'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I suppose to do

When the best part of me was always you and

What am I suppose to say

When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do

When the best part of me was always you

And what am I suppose to say

When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces

(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame

Now I'm try an make sense of what little remains, oh

'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in

'Cause I got time while she got freedom

'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break

No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no

What am I gonna do

When the best part of me was always you

And what am I supposed to say

When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces

(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

Oh, it don't breakeven, no

Oh, it don't breakeven, no

Oh, it don't breakeven, no

Wishing on a star

After I found out what Ashley's name was changed to and received information on her I found myself going outside on the patio every night.  If the sky was clear I would look up and find the brightest star I can see and then I would find myself repeating the nursery rhyme....

Star light, star bright

First star I see tonight

I wish I may, I wish I might

Have the wish I wish tonight

Then I would close my eyes really tight and wish.  I would wish that my First Daughter would make some kind of contact.

Star light, star bright

First star I see tonight

I wish I may, I wish I might

Have the wish I wish tonight

Then after repeating this silly rhyme I would watch the stars and wonder...is she looking at the same stars and wishing on them too?

Things to do: Stare at your boss

Waiting for Ashley to respond to my message is making me climb the walls.  It has been three weeks now and I am starting to wonder if I am being ignored.  

Actually, I'm really starting to get the feeling that I am being ignored. 

To keep me from climbing the walls I need to find something to keep me distracted, so today I have decided to stare at my boss like he has something on his nose.

Yes, you read me right me right...stare at my boss like he has something on his nose.  Thankfully, I work in a place where I can get away with this and it would be pay back for him picking on me about my silver hairs.  (They are silver, silver is prettier than grey)  The hard part will be doing this while keeping a straight face.  If I can keep from laughing, or smiling then it should be fun to see how many times he runs to a mirror.  I know he will get me back for this, but as long as it's fun and no one ends up hurt or bleeding then it should keep me distracted...for a few hours at least.

I'm glad I have a boss that is a pretty good sport and in the end he would be happy to help keep me from driving myself nuts while waiting for some kind of message from Ashley.  

A strange path to cross

Before I became an Esthetician and started working working in this strange Beauty World I was an Executive Assistant.  I spent 20 years working in Corporate America, supporting Executives at different levels, in different industries.  My favorite was IT, there was something wonderful about working in a department with a bunch of eccentric, brilliant people.  My worst was working for this one man at a recruiting company.  A while back I wrote about my former HR Manager, well, this HR Manager reported to this man I supported at the recruiting company.

You guessed it...this will be about the COO I supported.

When I started working at the recruiting company my HR Manager felt the need to tell me COO was adopted.  I do not know why she felt the need to tell me this and to be completely honest, I thought it was very tacky of her.  She kept telling me the reason he was such an ass was because he was adopted, again, very tacky and I bit my tongue, she was an ignorant fool and you can not reason with stupidity.

On my first day the COO wanted to take me to lunch, so we could get to know one another better.  The restaurant was extravagant, a place that made me feel very uncomfortable.  It became very clear that he loved throwing money around and loved showing off how much he had.  Great, another one who has his head up his ass.  I was very quiet,  wanted to get a good read on the person I was supporting, and he loved to talk...about himself.  At some point he told me it was important for me to know he was adopted...I thought it was very odd that he said it this way.  I asked if he ever thought about finding his Birth Mother.  His response had me completely shocked me!!  He spent about 20 minutes explaining to me that he was "saved" because his Birth Mother was nothing but a whore and he would never search her out because his adoptive Mother had explained what kind of trash his birth family was and his Mother was always right.  I got this sick feeling, I knew it would be best to keep my mouth shut on the subject.  

The hatred this man had was unbelievable and the brainwashing from his adoptive Mother was unbelievable!!  And he didn't stop there, oh no, he went there...he proceeded to tell me that all unwed teenaged mothers were whores who didn't deserve to be a part of society.  This man was 10 years older than me, he was born during the BSE and thanks to the brainwashing of his "Saintly" Adoptive Mother who rescued him had successfully filled his head (and heart) with hatred and taught him how to not have any compassion for anyone.  It was sick!  My heart broke for his Birth Mother and I wanted to throw my iced tea in his face.

COO asked what I thought about adoption, so I told him my father relinquished his rights.  He said that was interesting and he couldn't understand why I still maintained some kind of relationship with him...because afterall...he was no better than a Birth Mother.  I told him, unlike his Birth Mother, my father chose to sign away his rights because he thought his step children were better and more deserving than his own biological children.  He was not bullied into signing his rights away.  I was becoming very angry and I tried my best to remain calm.  So I changed the subject because I knew there was no sense in fighting a battle with a man who has spent his entire life being brainwashed.  Like I said before you can not reason with stupidity.

The next day COO called me into his office.  He told me he was thinking about our conversation at lunch (more like his conversation about himself).  He said there was something about me that he could not put his finger on.  He couldn't figure it out, but there was something about me that I was hiding and he liked it.  Megalomaniac Dumbass...I am a Birth Mother.

I left this job about 5 months later.  This man was seriously out of control about everything.  There was a happy hour one night, the same night as my youngest daughter's Meet the Teacher night at school.  I have never missed this event and I wasn't about to miss this one.  COO gave me a choice, I needed to decide which was more important...him or my daughter.  I've missed everything with my First Daughter and there was no way I'm missing out on my youngest daughter!   Arrogant asshole!  I tolerated alot with him, I put up with his unforgivable bashing of Birth Mothers, I kept my mouth shut when he referred to his employees as peasants, and I watched him pitch fits when people did not bow down to him and treat him like some kind of a God.  No job or boss will ever come before my daughter!

If I would have met this man 20 years ago he would have made me feel so dirty and ashamed for being pregnant when I was a teenager, but I know better now. Maybe I was suppose to experience this, so I could see an extreme side of adoption.  See the damage an adoptive mother can do when she teaches her adopted child to hate and see the damage an adult Adoptee with a cruel and hateful heart can do...I don't know.   What I do know is that is he giving Adoptees a bad name, and I don't like that.  This was a battle I chose not to fight, I chose to walk away from it.  You can't reason with stupidity. 

Maybe I was suppose to experience this so I could be prepared...in case Ashley feels the same way about me.  Or maybe I was being tested to see how well I handled this type of situation.  I don't know.  I know there was a reason I was there.  I hope that Ashley wasn't taught to behave the same way as COO and I hope HR Manager was exaggerating when she told me she remembered Ashley's Adoptive Mother saying awful things about me.  I may never know, all I can do is learn from it.  It certainly was a strange path to cross.

I Made It Through The Rain

I made it through the first 18 years of not knowing anything.  I made it through the next 5 years of getting information and running across people she knew.  I made it through the weird "cat and mouse" game that left me devastated and excited.  I finally made it through sending contact directly from ME!!  I made it through the rain, I kept my world protected, I made it through the rain, I kept my point of view, I made it through the rain...

I Made It Through The Rain

Barry Manilow

We dreamers have our ways
Of facing rainy days
And somehow we survive
We keep the feelings warm
Protect them from the storm
Until our time arrives
Then one day the sun appears
And we come shining through those lonely years

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain

And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

When friends are hard to find
And life seems so unkind
Sometimes you feel afraid
Just aim beyond the clouds
And rise above the crowds
And start your own parade

'Cause when I chased my fears away
That's when I knew that I could finally say

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain

And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it through the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain

And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through
And made it through
I made it through